My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my YA fantasy novel, SEND DOWN THE STARS. This novel has been an ongoing project I’ve worked on for more than a couple of years now, and is a way of expressing my love for both the genre of fantasy and literature as a whole. It is mostly based on the vivid pictures I would chase in my head, though like all stories, there is a little bit of truth thrown in there. I honestly wouldn't bother with this. The story of how long you've been working on it, or your inspiration, isn't useful to help gain representation.

The stars died before she was born. This is a great hook. It's so good I would just open with this.

Eliza Sterling has never been able to explain just why her eyes have always been drawn to the stars. Like all reasonable girls, is she supposed to be reasonable? Is that a prized character trait in her world? she can examine the situation, observe the details, and reach the conclusion that to think there was anything special about the stars was only wishful thinking. And yet, she can’t bring herself to turn away from them, to pull away from their presence. This is a lot of words that are really only saying the same thing - what the first line said.

His name is Archie Griffin, and he was one of them. I'm from Ohio, so this name automatically makes me think about football. I have no idea how well Griffin's name is known throughout the general population. But here in Ohio it's an instant assocation. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archie_Griffin Also, I have no idea what "he was one of them" means.

Eliza’s secret suspicions what are her suspicions? are confirmed to be true in the wildest possible way when she witnesses the fall of a single star from the sky and follows its light to the forest just beyond her backyard. From there, the truth is merely a shard of a shattered mirror, a reflection that changes depending on whose hand is clutching the glass. I have no idea what this means or how it conveys the plot. She is thrust into a world of magic unlike anything she has ever seen before, a world she is certain her father played a role in. Does she live in the regular world, our world? Why would she think her father had anything to do with this new world, and what role could he have possibly played?

In a desperate attempt to fix what had gone wrong in her life, what went wrong in her life? Eliza agrees to help Archie Griffin how does she know him? track down and stop the man who had taken his soul and placed it within the fiery cell of a star, just as he had done to countless others. With the help of Noah Brook and Phoenix Levisay, two boys who were bound to fall into the web of Archie Griffin and his quest for justice, Eliza Sterling must venture into the darkness that has been waiting for her. Don't bother adding the boys' names, since they aren't playing a major role in the query. Why must she venture into the darkness? What does that even mean?

Will her interference be the end of the tragedy of the stars, or just the beginning? Don't end on a rhetorical question. Also I have no idea what the tragedy of the stars actually is.

The novel is approximately 108,000 words and has undergone several drafts throughout the months I’ve spent working on it. This is the first of a four-book series, all of which have already been completed. It's assumed that you've gone over several drafts; no one should query a first draft. Your word count is high and this needs to be a stand-alone with series possibility.

Right now this is reading as a lot of disparate things that don't seem to be drawn together in a cohesive way. You say it's a fantasy, but it reads like it's set in our world, which would mean the genre needs to be tweaked. I don't know why she wants to help Archie, how her life is ruined, what role her father plays, or what her relationship is with any of the people mentioned in the query. You already know all of these things, so when you read it, it makes sense. To an outsider, it's a mish-mash.