My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I was looking for Literary Agents in the market for unique, out-of-the-box Science Fiction stories featuring BIPOC, and a search led me to your website. I am writing in hopes that you will find my 51,560 word sci-fi sports story “War/Game” interesting. Not a bad way to start, but I always encourage writers to open with the hook. They know that you're looking for an agent, b/c you're querying them. Everyone has a title, a genre and a wordcount. Start with what makes you unique - the hook of your book. Also, word count can be rounded - so this would be 52k.

Ahmed Dean is a star point guard for a lowly basketball team in the midst of one of their worst seasons. Right now this hook isn't indicating in any way that this is an SF story. It sounds like a straight up sports tale He came to this team to change its losing attitude and habits for the better, but inept play from his teammates, clashes with coaches and the selfishness of the other star player on the team are wearing on him. He is losing track of time and alienating himself from his friends, fans and girlfriend. What does this mean? How? What does losing time look like? A season-defining game against his defending champion former team is right around the corner, and Ahmed cannot afford to fail. Again, all the focus here seems to be on sports, not SF.

Ahmed Dean is a leader of a small army of freedom fighters sent from planet Earth to liberate planet Mars from a tyrannical rule. The enemy is always well prepared for Ahmed’s army, and his troops are losing every battle. The grind of surviving a losing you've got an echo here with losing war on a foreign planet with a harsh climate, hazardous sandstorms and giant man-eating wurms is making it hard for him to rest, and he frequently blacks out from sleep deprivation. One final, desperate raid on a crucial military post is his last hope of turning the tide of the war, and Ahmed cannot afford to fail.

One of these worlds is real. The other one is all in Ahmed’s mind.

And Ahmed needs to figure out which is which before his losses cost him everything. What is everything? What is at stake? Losing his mind? Losing the war? Losing a basketball game? I think what you have here is interesting in a Fight Club type of way, but you'll need to be more clear about what is at stake - and I would also advise opening with the SF element, rather than the contemporary basketball element.

I am an African-American writer, and I have already had four novels published. Did they do well? If so, mention the titles. If they did badly, I wouldn't mention them at all. I wrote and illustrated a webcomic for three years, definitely link it and I was an entertainment journalist for the Michigan Daily Newspaper. I studied creative writing under the tutelage of Jonis Agee (Strange Angels, South of Resurrection) and Tish O’Dowd (Floaters). I also maintain a weekly writing advice blog at www.proseandquans.substack.com Just as an FYI, I get an error message when I try to visit this link = uses an unsupported protocol

The first few pages and a complete synopsis is available upon request. I thank you for your time and look forward to your response.