The Saturday Slash
Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
After Claire catches real feelings for a dating app match that dupes her, she swears off romance to focus on her fitness brand. The ordeal ends with shots fired on both sides—including cheap ones Claire dearly wishes she could take back. Shots at who? The guy from the app? Is this public? Is it hurting her brand? Or is this just a personal issue? Channeling her heartbreak into bulking up her start-up, Claire empowers women on their health journeys for years—until the official launch of her business implodes, and only one IT genius can save the day. So did this dating mishap occur years in the past, and the business launch is a current event?
When IT freelancer Will meets his new client, he isn’t surprised Claire doesn’t recognize him from their dating app encounter. He’s turned his health around, using his newfound passion for activity to climb out of his rut. This info makes me feel like we need to know more about what exactly went wrong with their date / meeting The impetus for his transformation was to take control of his future, especially when his past is a place he’d rather escape. The unexpected reunion with Claire enables him to rewrite a painful piece of that history, and maybe, have a second chance with the girl he’s never been able to forget. Yep, I definitely think we need to know what went wrong.
After striking a deal to bring her start-up to life, Claire and Will find a mutual passion for wellness and sexual magnetism so heavy they can benchpress it. But every moment they're together brings her closer to recognizing Will as the man who deceived her; a revelation that will shatter their connection and tank her career. Although Will wants to believe Claire can love him for who he truly is, the acceptance he needs most starts with loving himself. If Claire can’t curb the reckless ambition that’s burned every bridge in her life, she’ll lose the only ally who can save her business and her heart. I feel like Claire wasn't cast in this light until now. It was reading like Will made a mistake and doesn't want to be found out, not that Claire also had a character flaw that could tank the relationship. This reads well, but we need to know what went wrong years ago, and Claire's foibles need to be clear as well.