My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am writing to seek representation for my completed manuscript, Emperor of Bones, a 36K word Middlegrade fiction Novella that is the prelude to my YA series, The Long Road Home. I always tell people to open with their hook, not their title or word count - everyone has those. And, bad news - nobody is going to represent a novella. There's no market for them, especially not one that is a prelude to a series. And the additional problem here is that you're saying the novella is MG, but the series is YA... so you're going to attract MG readers to a series that isn't age appropriate to them. Sorry to tell you, but no one is going to read past this first paragaph, for all of the reasons listed above.

Sometimes we’re faced with a mission much too large for us, but it’s that very challenge that helps us persevere, no matter what we lose nor what the cost. Don't open with a generic we that represents all of humanity. Who is your main character. Also, you said this is for an MG audience, but this language isn't MG -- nor Emperor Write the whole title here is the shocking I don't know if shocking is a good way to attract someone to an MG manuscript story about twelve-year-old Pyralous of Istoria and his dog Maven, who are sent on a quest to deliver a satchel to the city-state of Galitross. His mission is simple, survive and do not open the satchel under any circumstance. He holds this in his heart as he traverses the country doing all he can to make it back home, Back home, as in, he already delivered it and is now turning around and going back? remembering the wise words of his Lance: I don't know what a Lance is “The road ahead is wrought with danger; your journey will be long. You will falter, you may break, but you will endure, Pyralous. Because you must. Because you are our last hope.” Don't quote your own book within the query. Pyralous is a boy with to nothing to set him apart at the start of his journey, driven by his compassion, loyalty, and desire to return home. His youth is both an advantage and hinderance as he’s manipulated by the adults around him into doing their bidding and learns that there’s no one he can trust more than himself and Maven. How do compassion and loyalty fit into the plot? The dual timeline Why is it dual timeline? story leads to a startling conclusion Don't tell us it's startling, show us. And the conclusion doesn't really need to show up in a query, that's more of the role of a synopsis as he learns the truth about his mission and loses what is most precious to him. What does this mean? What is the truth about his mission? What is most precious to him? Yet, it’s not without catharsis, for he discovers that there’s more to himself, and more to what home truly means. Tragic, at times funny, harrowing, and full of heart, Emperor is a story that will resonate within its readers for years. You're not really telling us anything about the plot. You're telling us that it's funny or harrowing, and full of heart, instead of showing us how it is those things. Fans of books such as A Wrinkle In Time and The Giver, which inspired me to create worlds of my own, will be enraptured by Pyralous’s adventure, as my early readers already are. Don't bother mentioning early readeres such as friends, family, or critique partners. You have to impress the agent, and the fact that you might have impressed other people isn't really relevant here. Aside from Emperor, I have five full-length novels, a children’s book, short stories, and screen stories. Definitely don't do this. You need to focus on one thing, sell one thing, get them interested in one thing. If you've got more to share, that can come up in a phone call, if they're interested in the first thing you have offered. While researching your agency, I’ve come to believe that this book is a great fit because you’re looking for emotionally and mentally engaging stories and are in search of a manuscript unlike any out there. It's incredibly, incredibly difficult to write something is is unlike anything else out there. Claiming such a thing will only make the agent think exactly the opposite. I truly feel that your expertise and guidance could greatly benefit my book and career, and in turn my book will benefit your agency.

Right now, this isn't telling me anything about the plot. There's a boy with a mission, he has a dog, he wants to go home and... along the way he'll discover the truth about himself. That sounds like just about any other adventure story / plot. Details about how this story is different from the others that are already out there are imperative. What does the main character want? What stands in his way? What is at stake? And how will he overcome these obstacles? These are plot-relevant questions that need to be included in the query.