The Saturday Slash
Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
A magical palace. Magic Eaters. A dark family secret. You definitely need a better hook than this. It's just a list of elements that any book could have. What makes your book different?
Ten-year-old Adam is an orphan with snow-white hair and little hope of finding a family because everyone in the adoption centre says he’s cursed. This would actually work well for a hook! That’s until a gnome delivers him a letter from a Gushmar couple—individuals connected to magical monsters. Is this adoption centre in the real world, or a fantasy world? How alarming would it be for a gnome to show up? What do you mean by connection? Do they train them? Battle them? Keep them as pets? Adam learns he’s Gushmar, too, and enrolls in an academy to develop his magic and learn self-defence against the Magic Eaters. What are the Magic Eaters? At the academy, some students’ monsters go into a frenzy and attack each other. What does this have to do with the overall plot? With his two friends, Adam uncovers an evil Magic Eater’s plot to drain Gushmar magic, and must confront the dark part of his peculiar nature and save the Gushmar community. Does he have a dark part? First indicator here.
ADAM RAYAN AND THE CHAMELEON ROOM—If Harry Potter has the dæmons of His Dark Materials—is a 48,000-word Middle-Grade Fantasy with Mystery elements and unexpected twists à la J. K. Rowling. It’s perfect for fans of Nevermoor, and Amari and the Night Brothers, and stands alone with the main plotlines resolved and lays the groundwork for a five-part series. Good comp titles and smart to say it can stand alone or be part of a series. However, I think the similarities between Harry Potter are so strong - magical academy, trio of friends, dark side of narrator - that you may have trouble getting any agent interest.