The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am writing to seek representation for my completed manuscript, Emperor of Bones, a 36K word Middlegrade fiction Novella that is the prelude to my YA series, The Long Road Home. I always tell people to open with their hook, not their title or word count - everyone has those. And, bad news - nobody is going to represent a novella. There's no market for them, especially not one that is a prelude to a series. And the additional problem here is that you're saying the novella is MG, but the series is YA... so you're going to attract MG readers to a series that isn't age appropriate to them. Sorry to tell you, but no one is going to read past this first paragaph, for all of the reasons listed above.

Sometimes we’re faced with a mission much too large for us, but it’s that very challenge that helps us persevere, no matter what we lose nor what the cost. Don't open with a generic we that represents all of humanity. Who is your main character. Also, you said this is for an MG audience, but this language isn't MG -- nor Emperor Write the whole title here is the shocking I don't know if shocking is a good way to attract someone to an MG manuscript story about twelve-year-old Pyralous of Istoria and his dog Maven, who are sent on a quest to deliver a satchel to the city-state of Galitross. His mission is simple, survive and do not open the satchel under any circumstance. He holds this in his heart as he traverses the country doing all he can to make it back home, Back home, as in, he already delivered it and is now turning around and going back? remembering the wise words of his Lance: I don't know what a Lance is “The road ahead is wrought with danger; your journey will be long. You will falter, you may break, but you will endure, Pyralous. Because you must. Because you are our last hope.” Don't quote your own book within the query. Pyralous is a boy with to nothing to set him apart at the start of his journey, driven by his compassion, loyalty, and desire to return home. His youth is both an advantage and hinderance as he’s manipulated by the adults around him into doing their bidding and learns that there’s no one he can trust more than himself and Maven. How do compassion and loyalty fit into the plot? The dual timeline Why is it dual timeline? story leads to a startling conclusion Don't tell us it's startling, show us. And the conclusion doesn't really need to show up in a query, that's more of the role of a synopsis as he learns the truth about his mission and loses what is most precious to him. What does this mean? What is the truth about his mission? What is most precious to him? Yet, it’s not without catharsis, for he discovers that there’s more to himself, and more to what home truly means. Tragic, at times funny, harrowing, and full of heart, Emperor is a story that will resonate within its readers for years. You're not really telling us anything about the plot. You're telling us that it's funny or harrowing, and full of heart, instead of showing us how it is those things. Fans of books such as A Wrinkle In Time and The Giver, which inspired me to create worlds of my own, will be enraptured by Pyralous’s adventure, as my early readers already are. Don't bother mentioning early readeres such as friends, family, or critique partners. You have to impress the agent, and the fact that you might have impressed other people isn't really relevant here. Aside from Emperor, I have five full-length novels, a children’s book, short stories, and screen stories. Definitely don't do this. You need to focus on one thing, sell one thing, get them interested in one thing. If you've got more to share, that can come up in a phone call, if they're interested in the first thing you have offered. While researching your agency, I’ve come to believe that this book is a great fit because you’re looking for emotionally and mentally engaging stories and are in search of a manuscript unlike any out there. It's incredibly, incredibly difficult to write something is is unlike anything else out there. Claiming such a thing will only make the agent think exactly the opposite. I truly feel that your expertise and guidance could greatly benefit my book and career, and in turn my book will benefit your agency.

Right now, this isn't telling me anything about the plot. There's a boy with a mission, he has a dog, he wants to go home and... along the way he'll discover the truth about himself. That sounds like just about any other adventure story / plot. Details about how this story is different from the others that are already out there are imperative. What does the main character want? What stands in his way? What is at stake? And how will he overcome these obstacles? These are plot-relevant questions that need to be included in the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m thrilled to introduce you to THESAR, my 98,000-word YA novel. It’s a stand-alone novel with series potential, capturing the excitement of adventure, secrets, and treasure seeking, reminiscent of The Gilded Wolves, coupled with the themes of bonding, unexpected friendships, and loyalty found in One Piece. This is a great intro para, but I usually advise people to open with your hook. Everyone has a title, a word count, and comp titles - start with something only you have - the hook to your book. I'll add that you don'specify a genre here, which you should, and that the word count is probably a bit high. There is wiggle room for some genres, but it's hard enough to land an agent, and you don't want to have a word count be what turns them off. If it all possible, I'd try to get this down to 85k

Flori never imagined that the death of his grandfather would lead him on a dangerous quest to recover his family's stolen gold, but when he witnesses it being stolen for someone connected to his family, he's thrust into a world of secrets, lies, and unexpected allies. Confused by this... it was stolen once, then... stolen again? And it's stolen for someone with a connection to his family... Basically, I don't really understand what this is saying. It needs to be simpler, and clarified. With no time to grieve, the 17-year-old finds himself scrambling to understand the only clue given to him and to fulfil his grandfather’s last wishes- getting his family’s treasure back.

Flori sets out to find his family’s treasure and answers.Lots of repeated words here family's treasure in the past few sentences, and stolen above A twist of fate would have him meet Fija, a stealthy 17-year-old who somehow seems to know all the right and wrong people. How is she stealthy? What does that mean? Is she a thief?* For reasons unknown to Flori, she’s determined to tag along when she realizes that he’s after something and she won’t take no for an answer. The two colliding have certain aspects of Flori’s plan falling into place while simultaneously falling apart. Don't tell us this, show us People from Fija’s past come back to haunt her, and jinns, beings they’ve only heard stories about take great interest in their journey, threatening to get in their way. How are the jinns getting in their way? What is happening? The two enlist the help of Fija’s friend, Trim, a sarcastic and provoking 19-year-old who agrees to guide them to where the clue leads, What is the clue? the village Radomirë, but not without payment. The hunt for his family’s treasure takes them on a long journey, where the three sometimes butt heads but are quick to realize that they have more in common than they initially thought. Flori must fight against his own instincts What does this mean? to keep pushing forward as time runs out, and as the gold, being the last thing tying him to his family, becomes more and more out of reach.

The inciting incident in THESAR is inspired by a true story, This isn't particulary relevant, since you're writing fiction, and I wouldn't worry about mentioning it is set in Albania, and predominantly features Muslim characters. I graduated from Western University with a MA, and I work remotely as a research analyst in the youth homelessness sector in Toronto. When I’m not writing, I’m either reading manga, watching anime, or playing volleyball. I personally wouldn't bother with the last sentence. I think using the information about you that is relevant to the story is important, and anything that establishes you as a serious person (degree, job, etc) is great. But anything beyond that, not so much.

Right now, this query is very generic. We've got a search for treasure, an unlikely band of people on a journey, and some obstacles in the way. This could be literally any adventure story, ever. What makes yours stand out? What makes it special / different? I had no idea it was set in Albania or that the characters were Muslim until you said so st the end. Get the cultural elements highlighted, establish how and why this is different from other adventure stories, and get plot elements that distinguish it from any other fantasy / adventure into the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am contacting you because I am searching for representation for my middle grade novel. I found you through Firstborn by Tor Seidler, a book I read shortly after finishing this one, and after a visit to your website, I thought you’d be a good match. I always tell people not to open with the statement that you are seeking representation... it's kind of obvious. However, the personalization here is nice, so I think it could stay as is and not hurt anything.

Years after a prophecy is first uttered, a wolf pup, Moon, speaks of seeing things in her dreams she’d never encountered in the waking world—a final sign taken by the wolves of Yellowstone to head east, where mountains meet the sea, to escape a certain, or so they think, supervolcanic eruption. Wow, that is a superlong unbroken sentence. Find a way to rephrase this and keep the key components - prophecy, dreams, signs, Yellowstone, escape, volcanic eruption - into two or more concise sentences. Moon befriends Auburn, a runaway house cat, only based on the belief that he is the feline who the prophecy foretells will, albeit vaguely, cast a shadow over the moon and bring peace between the wolves and an enemy they are to meet at their journey’s end. Another really convoluted one here, and I'm confused by the statement at the end - the way it's written it could be interpreted as the peace will be brought both between the wolves themselves, and this unknown enemy, too.

In a time where wild and domestic animals view each other as vermin, the duo’s adversaries are plentiful, from another pack who, fueled by their own prejudice, accuses them both of murder, The murder of who? to the hostile pets at their destination Where are they going? who attack the wolves at any chance they get. Upon a mysterious stranger wolf revealing to Moon the lost ending of the prophecy, which gives the alternate outcome of a war beginning with the quarreling wolves and pets, but spreading so far that it results in the death of half the Earth’s animals, she and Auburn must uncover what exactly he is called to do to prevent this before the deadline it sets. Another really long, really convoluted sentence. You need to take a hard look at every sentence, pull out the relevant elements, and keep the writing more concise.

Like No Place on Earth is a 99,000-word You're already aware that your word count is too high for MG, but the writing in the query itself says a lot about your style. Make sure you're not indulging in convoluted sentences, especially when writing MG. middle grade low fantasy novel that will pique the interest of those who have enjoyed the works of Eliot Schrefer, Katherine Applegate, or Erin Hunter. It blends real-life places with a fantasy world of talking animals whose history and social structures are as complex as ours. It has its low, hopeless points, but not without humor and lightheartedness scattered throughout to balance this. I wouldn't take up all this space explaining that it has humor, and also low points - if the query is doing it's job, you don't have to state these things. Though it is a standalone, it has series potential—I am working on a sequel, following Moon as she goes on another journey, this time across the southwestern United States. I wouldn't bother mentioning a sequel, for various reasons. Say it's a standlone with series potential, and leave it at that.

You need to tell us more about the plot itself. There's a lot of words here, but I don't really know what the problem is -- they are escaping something, there are perils on the way... but what's the goal? What do they want, and what is stopping them from getting it?