The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Everything’s perfect in the Waglan Empire, a thriving futuristic paradise powered by the magical element Elyxir. Money is obsolete, scarcity is a thing of the past, and 12-year-old Jelly has the power to destroy it all. Oh, I like this! Good hook!

THE GREENBLOOD CHRONICLES (complete at 77,000 words) is an upper middle grade fantasy perfect for fans of THE GOLDEN COMPASS and THE MARK OF THE DRAGONFLY. Based on your interest in [insert detail from manuscript wishlist], I think this could be a great fit!

When Jelly is kidnapped Why? Do they know of this power? Do they want to use it? What is the power? What does Jelly want? by the silver-skinned Greenbloods who lurk on the outskirts of the Empire — the same Greenbloods that killed her parents when she was just a baby — it’s up to her brother and their two best friends to save her. So, is Jelly not the main character? It sounds like the POV is with her brother and friends? And it’s not exactly the dream team you’d want on the job with your life at stake. Larry’s afraid of breaking curfew, let alone dealing with bloodthirsty monsters, and Cam’s dead-set on using another one of his harebrained inventions to guide the way. (Oh boy. We all know how FanPants turned out.) Sounds humorous, good voice injection

Meanwhile, in a first-person narrative The way this is written it sounds like only this POV is in first person told in alternating chapters, an unidentified Greenblood tells the story of his father’s abduction and haunting final words: “Find the Greenstone!”

Jelly’s friends journey to find her, and the Greenblood searches for the lost artifact, but as they all get closer, they uncover the dark and twisted truth about the stolen land the Empire stands on and the human cost of that so-called “paradise.” When the stories finally converge and their impossible connection becomes clear, Jelly learns she holds a power that will determine the fate of the Empire, whether she likes it or not. Whatever she does, some will suffer — and now it’s up to Jelly to decide who.

As a high school English teacher, I’ve devoted the past ten years of my life to helping my students tell their stories, and it would be the honor of a lifetime if you’d help me tell mine.

The writing here is good, but the way it comes together is disjointed. I don't know who has a POV. It sounds like the brother and friends have a journey story, but Jelly is pitched as the MC. Is she in captivity the whole time? Her learning about her power seems important to the plot, so I assume she has a POV as well, but then you mention the Greenblood having a POV, so I don't really know how many POV's there are here. Two? Three? Don't use Jelly as the hook if she's not a POV. Otherwise things here are quite strong, although I would adjust the fact that it's multiple POV's to the bottom. Structure would be - hook, Brother / Group POV para, Jelly (if that exists) para, Greenblood POV para, then clarify multiple, alternating POVs at the end.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Shortly after her tenth birthday, the outlandish and strange Emrys Edevane, an exiled dancer Was she exiled before being accused of witchcraft, or after? If she's already exiled, why would she be in public at a bonfire? known for her luminescent skin and ember do you mean amber? eyes, walked into a public bonfire and reemerged unburnt. After being hunted do you mean accused of? for witchcraft, her family staged her death and fled into the deep woods, where she has been living amongst foxes and hares ever since. And her family, I assume?

A decade later, her quiet life is shattered when she receives a message from a mysterious stranger and her brother goes missing. She discovers that her estranged father so her father isn't with her in the wilderness? has betrothed her to Lord Bastien from the oversea empire of Valaennya, and plots to kill him. So confused - is she royalty of some type? Why would she be betrothed to a Lord when she is an exiled dancer who is accused of witchcraft? And who is plotting to kill who? She's plotting to kill Bastien, or her father? Or her father is plotting to kill Bastien? Why would either one of them want to do either of those things? But upon finding her brother in Bastien’s grasp, her hands become tied and her plans backfire gruesomely. What does this mean? How do they backfire? Why does she not want to marry this Lord?

Emrys’s world is not the only thing that has fractured. As the powers of Valaennya shift, an outlaw prince rises from his kingdom beneath the ground, drawn to her light after spending decades in darkness, and threatens her betrothal to Bastien. But I thought she didn't want to marry Bastien? As a result, Bastien becomes increasingly possessive and paranoid, and confines her to the sunless tunnels beneath his castle with a warning: If she betrays him, he will ruin her. So she's WITH Bastien now? Not in exile in the wilderness anymore?

Isolated and on the verge of madness Why would she be losing her mind?, she meets Vaenyssa, the prince’s enigmatic, silver-eyed sister who hunts Valaennya’s worst men after being assaulted as a girl. Why does his sister live in the tunnels? She helps Emrys face the true, fire-breathing nature of what she is, transform her grief into strength and prepares her for revenge. Revenge against who, and for what? But not without stealing her heart.

Emrys returns to kill Bastien, Returns from where, and why does she want to kill him? but soon realises that he is no longer her only opponent. With her incendiary gifts, she has become the main pawn in Valaennya’s sadistic game of power, and when someone betrays her, the consequences are devastating.I don't know what any of this means. Why are her powers important, why would she be a pawn, and who betrayed her and why? In a desperate attempt to save herself, she is left with no choice but to do what she vowed she never would: Burn. I have no idea what this means. Burn who? Burn what? Burn herself?

THE ECHO OF LIGHT sheds light on the dark side of being chosen, of living a life that was never one’s own. I don't really know what this means, either The 90’000 word fantasy novel explores the making of a female villain, So she's a villain? and will appeal to fans of Game of Thrones and The Witcher, with a feminine and poetic twist.

I am Swiss student at the Arts University Bournemouth, majoring in screenwriting and producing, with the hopes of adapting my books for the screen someday. As per your submission guidelines, I have included the first 10 pages of THE ECHO OF LIGHT below. The full manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your consideration.

Right now this is reading more like a synopsis than a query, and it's a little long. The query needs to establish at bare minimum -- What does you character want? What is preventing them from getting it? How are they going to overcome the obstacle? -- Right now I don't know what Emrys wants, why she would want or not want it, or what's stopping her from getting it. Motives are entirely lost and there's a lot of vague wording that isn't doing you any favors. Answer the questions within the query above, and work on getting the basics for a query in here, rather than including so many synopsis-like details.</span

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I hope you will consider HIGH SCHOOL DIARIES a YA contemporary complete at 60.000 words.

AMANDA You only capitalize a character's name if you're writing a synopsis is a freshman in high school when she decides she has had enough of her previous life. Previous life in what way? If she's currently in a life, and hasn't made any changes, she's still in that life, and it's not her previous life. Definitely dig for a better hook.

In middle school, she was known as the shy, weird outcast who barely spoke. But when high school starts, she’s determined to become the girl who goes to parties and has boys lining up to be her boyfriend—without of course ever dating any of them. Why would she never date any of them?

But as her new chapter unfolds, the challenges continue to grow, Amanda realizes she’s standing mostly alone, her only best friend grows distant, and worst of all, her love life takes and unwelcome turn. This is way, way too generic. What are the challenges? Why is she stnading alone? Why is her friend growing distant? How does her love life take a turn? What's going on? What's the plot? Basic rule of a query - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of getting it? What is at stake? How will they conquer the obstacles? This is way too generic - girl tries to make changes and loses herself along the way. Details matter - how is this any different from every other story like this? Get them into the query.

My inspiration for writing High School Diaries comes from a similar experience I had of being moved to another country and dealing with being shy but wanting a bigger life. In my free time, I enjoy cooking & baking, game nights with friends and focusing on self-improvements.

It's a nice bio, but if you have any sort of writing credentials, even membership in organizations like SCBWI, etc. mention that here. You don't necessarily have to have any prior writing experience in order to query, but try to mention any ties you might have.