The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

After Annalise Bennet loses her father, she turns to her dreams for escape, reveling in these fabricated realities to draw away from the pain. Are these like daydreams? Or sleeping dreams? Is there any sort of negative impact from these? Disconnected from reality, family doesn't like it? That is, until they reveal a perilous truth about her father’s death and the Dyson Sphere that rocks her world and everything she knows. What's the truth? We need to know the plot, a query isn't a place to tease.

Ever since she was young, seventeen-year-old Annalise has known about the Dyson Sphere, a structure that surrounds a star and captures its power for use. When an opportunity arises to travel to the Dyson Sphere—exactly what her father died building a year ago—she refuses to consider the chance. Still shattered by his death and haunted by memories of a past she cannot forget, she prefers to live safely. She has her mother to care for. A twin sister she knows better than herself. Not a complete sentence here. But when the threat of a deadly asteroid pushes her family to make a difficult sacrifice, she has no choice but to take up the chance. What is the sacrifice? Just making the trip? Why it is so scary, just b/c her dad died there? Or b/c of the truth that her dreams revealed? We need to know what is at risk. Is she currently on Earth? What is being threatened by this asteroid?

For what it's worth, the Dyson Sphere is worth echo here with reuse of worth the excitement it riled up. Endless waterfalls, perfect nights for stargazing, deep forests, quaint towns. Even more, Annalise begins to find herself again. However, she quickly realizes that the accident she believed her father’s death to be was a lie, as was the perfect life she was promised: the nights are growing longer, while the days are shortening. The creators of the Sphere are withholding the truth. Nobody knows why. As the hours tick down, time is draining, and there is little chance to search for answers before they never see daybreak again. What is at risk here? Are they just losing light? What is the danger?

For years, Annalise has been told that her dreams aren't real. But as she grapples with an unfamiliar world and struggles to distinguish between dreams and reality, a question arises: What if it wasn't just a dream? But we don't really know what her dreams are, so we don't know what the threat is. Right now I don't really see the plot. Just that she has to find the courage to go there, and when she does, everything is not what it seems, but I don't really know what's at risk, or what the danger is, or if her dreams are visions, or just hopes and wishes.

A THOUSAND BROKEN DREAMS is a young adult sci-fi romance Romance? Where? No mention in the query. novel at 99k This word count could hurt you. SF gets a little more room for world building, but as a debut novelist, if you can get this down to 85k that would raise your chances words. I am submitting this to you because [insert personalization]. My book appeals to fans of sci-fi in Marissa Meyer's THE LUNAR CHRONICLES and romance and self-discovery in Amber Smith's THE WAY I USED TO BE. This is my first novel.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Emily is rummaging through a pile of books in a cellar. She is searching for the missing text of the Legend of Arthur, a volume that's been on her mind for a long time. Meanwhile, someone else is looking for it too. Starting out in London, October, 1948, a newspaper advertisement sends her on a quest through Europe, with twists and turns making her question this mission, and a competitor who is drawing out a side of her she’s afraid to face. But returning empty handed means losing a childhood dream to a life of silent obscurity. None of this is working - I don't know who Emily is, why a newspaper ad would send her through this, why it matters at all, what those twists and turns might be, what the mission is in the first place and why she would question it, who the competitor is, what this other side of her is, or what a childhood dream has to do with anything. These are all very vague concepts that could be applied to hundreds of storylines. What makes yours different? What makes yours stand out from any other adventure quest novel?

John Radley, a stoic historian and art collector, has his own reasons for finding the book. In the course of their mutual path, Emily and Radley’s friction as opposites sets them on the run from a hired killer and the police. Trailing a mysterious man with a briefcase, they travel through a German Oktoberfest, Parisian cafés, a lavish Italian mafia party, and the quiet landscapes in between. They meet philosophers and famous figures of the day, discovering a new perspective on the world, as well as the simple delight of venetian gelato. In time, both must decide what price ambition has, and when compassion for the other comes before personal triumph. Same story. No idea what they're trying to get, why they want it, what the goal is, what's at stake, who anybody is, why there's a hired killer and police involved, etc. It just feels like random words strung together, there's no indication of what the plot is, who these people are, or why their goal matters in the first place.

THE BOOKHUNTER (complete at 170 000 words) is like National Treasure set against a historical backdrop of the 1940’s, focusing on the two main character’s personal journey's and their budding love story. I like the pitch - National Treasure in the 1940's - but I don't know what the Treasure is, or who the people looking for it are, what's at risk, and why I should be rooting for them in the first place. I know nothing about these characters, and very little about the plot. As we talked about, this word count will tank you from the beginning, as well.

Having been raised in several countries growing up, I like to include different elements of language and culture in my writing. I have traveled and given workshops in theatre, dance and music, and come home to write in the quiet, swedish countryside.

The first three chapters are attached to this email, and the full manuscript is available upon request.

I hope this story finds interest with you.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I hope you will consider TITLE OF BOOK a book one in a NA contemporary romance trilogy with dark twists complete at 88.000 words. I always tell everyone to start with your hook, not word count, title, etc. Everyone has those. No one else has your hook. Start with that. Also - consider querying this as a standalone with series potential. Querying a trilogy is difficult as a debut, no need to stack the deck against yourself further.

Madison Pierce was brought up in a Christian environment in Charm, Ohio by her single mother. You need more here than "Christian environment." I was brought up in a Christian environment that was also fairly sex positive, feminist, and non-judgemental. That's not what you're saying here. And her entire life she has had to live up to expectations that her mother has set for her like what?, and her future is no different.

However, when college begins, Madison is forced to leave her entire life repeated phrase entire life behind in the hopes of a better life for her ill mother. What would her mother's illness have to do with anything?

Upon arrival, she catches the eye of her roommate’s mysterious boyfriend, Miles Ryder. And every rule her mother has spent years teaching her is not only bent but broken. She suddenly finds that the world she once knew is turned upside down with feelings Feelings like romance? Or feelings like lust? Or boht? for him she can’t deny for long. For long, like she held out awhile? Above you said the rules weren't only bent, but broken, which sounds like early capitulaion.

But Miles is hiding a dark secret, What is it? Don't be coy in queries and Madison is nothing but a pawn in a sick rivalry game he’s conducted. Except in his process of winning, Miles doesn’t expect to fall in love. This last line makes it sound like the book is more about Miles than Madison. Does he have a POV? What's the plot here? The query is all set up, but I don't know what the plot is. So she breaks all her personal rules, but he's a scoundrel, but maybe deep down he actually isn't... but what's the plot? What does the MC want, what is keeping them from getting it?

‘TITLE OF BOOK’ has gained over half a million reads and counting on the platform Wattpad. My parents moved with me to Iceland when I was very young. And while living in a small town there, I discovered my love for writing early. In my spare time you will find me dreaming of the beach and trying new recipes in my kitchen.