The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m excited to offer my adult M/M romantasy novel, THE IRIS AND THE ACONITE, complete at 105,000 words. Romantasy is still going strong, but as a trend it is beginning to cool. With that in mind, your window is likely closing and a word count over 100k as a debut isn't going to do you any favors It features the court politics and conflicting loyalties of Mask of Mirrors by M.A. Carrick, and is set in a secondary, Slavic-inspired world reminiscent of Where the Dark Stands Still by Ania Poranek.

It’s a simple plan. Seduce the king, platonically. Get him alone. Kill him. The chancellor’s only warning? Do not let the king charm you. So I wasn't really sure how a person would go about seducing someone platonically, then I remembered this is M/M so it could be under the guise of friendship, etc. Overall, I think it's a good hook.

Kresimir Zaheriev, beautiful as he is prickly, is a courtesan by trade, so he is certain nothing of the sort could befall him. Not when it was all the king’s fault that he was in this business. Your tenses are getting mixed up - some present (is a courtesan) and some past (was in this business) Had his benevolent monarch not slaughtered his parents under false accusations of heresy, Kresimir and his ailing best friend wouldn’t have had to fend for themselves. It is only reasonable that when he learns of the chancellor’s search for a king’s assassin, Kresimir jumps at the opportunity for vengeance. So I read this as a job opening to assassinate the king - which the opening hook supports - and wondered why someone would just advertise that job title. Then I realized you meant that he's the king's personal assassin, but I had to untangle it. Needs clarifying.

As expected, Kresimir effortlessly steals the king’s attention upon his arrival in the capital. idk if "steals" is the word you want here, b/c it implies he's taking it from someone else. When a kidnapping case targets Kresimir's fellow courtesan, the king insists the two of them work together, often in close quarters. But, as Kresimir grows closer to the king, another problem arises: King Athanasi is nothing like the tyrant Kresimir had dreamed of–infuriatingly handsome, maddeningly cheery, with a keen interest in gardening and a habit of lending a hand to anyone who needs it. Soon, the king's affection chips away at Kresimir's carefully tailored armor, and Kresimir begins to doubt the circumstances of his parents’ execution. But he has already promised the King’s death to the chancellor, and going back on his word means not only losing his life, but that of his best friend as well. And there is nothing that Kresimir would not sacrifice for her, not even the king who had accepted every jagged piece of him with a smile. Not totally clear on what this last line is trying to say.

I am a first-generation Polish immigrant raised in the Midwest, and I currently live and work in Hokkaido, Japan, as an assistant language teacher. I also hold a B.A. in English and an M.A. in Library Studies from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and have self-published on the serial-publishing platform Tapas under the pseudonym REDACTED. Through my work, I hope to bring more attention to Polish history and culture. Thank you for your consideration.

Overall this is in good shape, but the word count might give you an issue. The only other thing I would clarify is whether or not this is historical, or fantasy. There's no place / kingdom name, and since you lean on your Polish background in the bio, I wasn't sure whether this is suppposed to be historical or fantasy, or a fantasy kingdom based on Polish history and culture.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am currently seeking representation for GOREMAGE: AWAKENING. It is a 100,000-word standalone adult dark fantasy book, with series potential. Fantasy gets more wiggle room in terms of word count, but 100k is still a lot for debut, especially when fantasy is currently so clogged A world-weary veteran is forced to accept a dark power within him, to save his country from a tyrannical government harnessing eldritch magic with the help of another outcast with gripes against the world. This is a reall convoluted sentence and it took me a few tries to untangle it. Your hook needs to be much more simple and straightforward. It may appeal to fans of ‘Six of Crows’, ‘One Dark Window’ or the ‘Godkiller’ series.

Elio, a disenchanted man burdened by a dark past as a Goremage, finds himself drawn into a growing conflict in search of money, instead finding rot that runs deep in his beloved country’s veins. There's a lot of assumed knowledge here. What. Goremage is, if the dark past is a result of how he is, or what the job / role was, what the conflict even is, etc. Drawn Echo here with "drawn." by his sense of duty, Duty to what? he forms an uneasy alliance with another outcast: Atlas, a former politician turned conman, unknowingly elbow deep in the corruption caused by his ex-lover and mother of his child. Another super convoluted sentence here. Queries need to be smoother a lot more easily readable than this.

In what should be the country's golden years, Atlamaria is threatened with societal and structural collapse. The magic required to sustain it has become a dying breed, like the magic is a person? and the government, driven by greed and desperation, seeks to return to a totalitarian rule by harnessing the power of a heretic god. Again, super convoluted and I don't really know what's going on here. Why societal and structural collapse? Why is the magic dying? Why would a return to totalitarian rule by the answer and how does the god play into it?

Struggling with his identity and the true origins of his magic, Elio embraces the power that could destroy him to avenge his newfound allies and protect his home. But as the lines between right and wrong blur, he must confront not only the corrupted system - but the shadows within himself. If he can’t trust his own thoughts, how can stop forces so much larger than himself? Their confrontation becomes more than a clash of strength; but a test of wills, faith, and sacrifice. The further Elio goes for the greater good, the more of himself he loses. Again, these are a lot of barely conjoined things that I'm not really understanding. These statements aren't specific, but they're really convoluted and wordy without actually saying much. After reading this I get that there's a conflicted, probably brooding hero, who kind of connects to another guy whose subplot also feels really complex, and they are... trying to save the country from... itself? Right now you're using really broad strokes so I don't actually have any idea of what the plot is, other than what I can infer. And what I do infer is mostly based on tropes so I'm not seeing what makes this stand out in the crowded fantasy genre.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Confessions of a Rock and Roll Queen is a 100,000-word upmarket historical fiction novel that combines Daisy Jones & the Six’s back-stage drama with the voice-driven, intimate emotional stakes of Deep Cuts. Good opening, but I'll need to know what makes this historical

Kaysi Bright will never achieve her rock star dreams in small-town Mississippi. After a scandalous church performance brands her a disgrace, Kaysi hitchhikes to Los-Angeles. But fame isn’t waiting to embrace her. With a long list of studio rejections and a two-bit blues club gig, Kaysi is ready to call it quits. Should that read "gigs?"

That is, until she meets Greg Stilton, a charismatic guitarist with I Do, I Do, a rising ‘70s rock band. So this takes place in the 70's? I don't think they would identify themselves as a 70's band if it is in fact, the '70s. They would just be a rock band. I realize that's your way of slipping the time frame in here, but I'd find an altnernate route When the lead singer quits to join a cult, Kaysi’s voice propels the band to arena fame. But with fame comes increasing pressure: Greg’s volatile love, fraying band loyalties, her bandmate, Kathy’s steady, complicated devotion, and the ever-present lure of alcohol and cocaine. Who is Kathy? She just kind of showed up here.

When I Do I Do implodes, Kaysi reinvents herself with Lace Riot, an all-girl band poised for success. But Kaysi is spiraling deeper into addiction. Lace Riot issues an ultimatum: get clean or get out – on the same day her sister dies in childbirth. Reeling from grief, Kaysi takes custody of her newborn niece, only to soon lose her to the baby’s father. The double loss pitches her into a drug-induced psychosis that no one believes she’ll survive.

Now Kaysi faces the hardest fight of all: not for fame or love, but for her own life. Kaysi must confront her addiction and her grief or risk losing not only her music and the people who love her for her, but the chance to become the artist she was meant to be.

I have an MFA from the Iowa Writers Workshop,and am a psychoanalyst living in Santa Cruz, California.

Honestly this reads a little more like a synopsis than a query, but I don't think you're way off base here. I think what you've got is worth taking out and see if you get any nibbles.