The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Magdalane wanted a raise. Just a raise. Surely after five years as the sole overworked, underpaid secretary of a kingdom courthouse, she’s earned that. Your tenses are throwing me off a bit here. The first sentence is in past tense, and I'm not sure there's a real reason to do that. It takes away the immediacy of the hook. Also, I think a better hook is in order - a mail slot to the Assassination Department (mentioned below) - definitely got my attention. I'd find a way to work that into the first line.

She did not ask to be forcibly reassigned to Lord Morbotron’s castle in the Empire’s capital. But since her new workspace comes with direct a mail slot to the Assassination department, she’s not about to file a complaint. So... did she ask for the raise and got reassigned? Or did the reassignment come with the raise? What's the benefit of having a mail slot to the Assassination department? Is this something that works into the plot?Is she slipping her enemies names into it?

Better to make the best of it. After all, working for the Empire comes with plenty of perks. Three watery meals a day, four supervised vacation days a year, state-of-the-art enchanted office equipment, and a tiny living space shared with an off-puttingly bubbly coworker. This para is setting up some type of world building, but it's not really adding anything to the plot at all, and this query is lean on plot.

To be fair, it does pay well, which means she no longer has to worry about supporting her aunt. And the job could hardly be described as boring. As the new Incident Secretary, Magdalane interviews all the colorful characters who commit crimes in the Empire, from flirtatious pirates to talking bears to rebel brawlers who… are surprisingly nice to talk to.

But working for an evil empire takes its toll. Rebel tensions are rising, and a lackluster performance review might mean dire consequences for Magdalane’s family and newfound work-friends. How long can she keep this up? And if she can’t, is there any way to submit her two weeks' notice and make it out of the castle alive? I think your ideas here are interesting, but I don't see a plot. It sounds quirky and fun, but I have no idea what this story is actually about. What does M want? What stands in her way of getting it?

Told in a series of vignettes and snapshot scenes, SECRETARY OF EVIL follows Magdalane as she navigates office shenanigans and malevolent magical altercations, set in Dungeons and Dragons-style fantasy. It runs 60,000 words long and is the first installment of an adult fantasy duology. It might be hard to plot out something that is structured in this way, but right now everything in the query feels very loose and disconnected. We need to have a better idea of the through line of the narrative.

I earned a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Creative Writing from [University]. SECRETARY OF EVIL is my first novel.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Peter Prior was born with dopplism. Not a great hook, for a few reasons. I don't know what dopplism is, so I had to go Google it, and it's not a real word. I think the concept is cool, but essnetially you're beginning the query with a made up concept and word while not explaining what it is. This isn't a good move for a query, but additionally for an MG it raises the question of whether the text itself might be similarly veiled for the young reader. Whilst sleeping on his 15th birthday, he spawns a twin - the ganger to his original doppel. Start with this instead! This is interesting, and doesn't need a ton of explanation. Government Guardians, sent to snatch the ganger, take Peter by mistake and imprison him in an underground training kingdom, known as Subterra. There, Peter joins the 'renegades' – a group set upon escaping the punishing regime where gangers are at the mercy of the President's absolute power. Peter is determined to tell the world about the government's hate crime against gangers and to destroy Subterra. I think we need a little more world building here - so having dopplism is something that happens on a fairly regular basis in this world, it seems. Peter isn't necessaily an anomaly. This needs to be more clear. Also, why are the gangers hated / disliked? Is there something different about them? How are the distinct from their doppel and why are they persecuted?

The novel comes with a copy of the handbook given to all gangers when they enter Subterra, containing important information, including a map of the kingdom; the history of the organisation; the rules which recruits must follow; their training timetable and details of future missions. This is not the place to talk about bonus content. We don't really know what the plot of the book is, so you need to use your query space to get that across. We need more worldbuilding, as mentioned above, but we also need the plot to be more clear - what does Peter want? What is stopping him from getting it? How does he feel about his ganger? How does he feel about the other gangers he meets? Is there a supporting cast? Friends? I think the concept is awesome, but we need more plot here in order for an agent to jump.

SUBTERRA is an upper middle grade novel, complete at 54,000 words. It will appeal to readers of Chris Bradford's BODYGUARD series as an action adventure story, as well as to readers of Ben Oliver's THE LOOP in its story of teenagers’ bravery when imprisoned within a callous, fictional regime.

I have a First Class Honours Degree in English Literature from Durham University and I have been Head of English in 11-18 schools not sure what that means? for 13 years – a job which, happily, allows me to read and talk about books with young people, all day. I have had a short, humorous story published in Reader's Digest and I have met both my father's and my brother-in-law’s ganger. Good comp titles, good bio.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Once an archeologist extraordinaire, Alice Webb has been banished to an arctic wasteland. Why? The headteacher, who rules the University with chalkboards and grindstones, refused to take her word for it that fairytale creatures existed. Carnivorous birdmen to be exact. Instead of degrees and World Peace Prizes, Alice found herself expelled. It's an interesting premise, but I don't have a feel for the when of this. There aren't any words here to convey that this is SF or futuristic, but someone beng banned to the Arctic for their beliefs feels very dystopian, so I'm confused about the genre / setting.

Desperate to restore her soiled reputation and find shelter from the eternal blizzard beyond civilization, Alice discovers a most peculiar palace. Lo and behold, who should answer but a birdman named Pip? Despite bearing a beak with thousands of needlelike fangs, Pip is more than happy to usher Alice inside for a cup of tea and a bite of raw wolf. Inspiration strikes Alice. Wouldn’t this birdman make a fine homecoming present? Yes, there is the tiny issue of being banished. However, who could claim birdmen are nothing but fairy tale once Alice makes her triumphant return, birdmen in tow? Okay but... what's the plot? Right now I feel like you're walking us through maybe the first 50 pages or so, but I don't really know what the plot is, or why I should care.

Pip leaps at the chance to see more strange featherless creatures like Alice. After all, what are friends if not one-way tickets from a frigid hellscape? But if Alice continues regaling speeches on how she “single-handedly bested carnivorous birdmen,” these creatures will have none of her so-called “civilization” nor academic pride. I don't really know what this means. Friction develops between Alice and Pip / the birdmen? Are they back in civilization? Why does this matter? What's at stake?

[Personalized sentence] I saw you on Publisher’s Marketplace. I am seeking representation for my adult fantasy novel, THE PARADOX PALACE, complete at 95,000 words. It will appeal to fans of AXIOM’S END by Lindsay Ellis with its comedic interspecies friendship with an eldritch entity and PIRANESI by Susanna Clarke as it features a clueless protagonist exploring otherworldly architecture. Good comp titles

My short fiction won placement in the Gunard B. Carlson Memorial Foundation Creative Writing Contest and received an honorable mention from Writers of the Future. I am a graduate of the Immaculata University Honor Society and went on to work at the Phoenixville Public Library. Good bio!

You've done a good job of getting voice in here, which is usually a challenge for queries. However, it's at the sacrifice of the plot. I don't really know what Alice wants (other than validation) or what stands in her way. I don't know what's at risk - the friendship? Civilization itself if she pisses off the birdmen? And I don't know much about Alice's personality. She seems like an affable goof, but then in the last para it sounds like she's talking a lot of shit, and making enemies. More plot, more explanation of who Alice is would be a good move.