The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I hope you will consider TITLE OF BOOK a book one in a NA contemporary romance trilogy with dark twists complete at 88.000 words. I always tell everyone to start with your hook, not word count, title, etc. Everyone has those. No one else has your hook. Start with that. Also - consider querying this as a standalone with series potential. Querying a trilogy is difficult as a debut, no need to stack the deck against yourself further.

Madison Pierce was brought up in a Christian environment in Charm, Ohio by her single mother. You need more here than "Christian environment." I was brought up in a Christian environment that was also fairly sex positive, feminist, and non-judgemental. That's not what you're saying here. And her entire life she has had to live up to expectations that her mother has set for her like what?, and her future is no different.

However, when college begins, Madison is forced to leave her entire life repeated phrase entire life behind in the hopes of a better life for her ill mother. What would her mother's illness have to do with anything?

Upon arrival, she catches the eye of her roommate’s mysterious boyfriend, Miles Ryder. And every rule her mother has spent years teaching her is not only bent but broken. She suddenly finds that the world she once knew is turned upside down with feelings Feelings like romance? Or feelings like lust? Or boht? for him she can’t deny for long. For long, like she held out awhile? Above you said the rules weren't only bent, but broken, which sounds like early capitulaion.

But Miles is hiding a dark secret, What is it? Don't be coy in queries and Madison is nothing but a pawn in a sick rivalry game he’s conducted. Except in his process of winning, Miles doesn’t expect to fall in love. This last line makes it sound like the book is more about Miles than Madison. Does he have a POV? What's the plot here? The query is all set up, but I don't know what the plot is. So she breaks all her personal rules, but he's a scoundrel, but maybe deep down he actually isn't... but what's the plot? What does the MC want, what is keeping them from getting it?

‘TITLE OF BOOK’ has gained over half a million reads and counting on the platform Wattpad. My parents moved with me to Iceland when I was very young. And while living in a small town there, I discovered my love for writing early. In my spare time you will find me dreaming of the beach and trying new recipes in my kitchen.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

The panicked herd trips over itself, clawing and shoving and running into the backs of those in front. The fallen receive two bullets at close range because Malcolm is going for fatalities, not injuries. Blood splatters his face and lips as he shoots an old man in a Rascal—there are many old men riding Rascals—in the side of the neck from three feet away. The bullet leaves a hole wide enough to see through. Malcolm reloads on the run. The herd needs further culling. I definitely would not start this way. It's dumping the reader directly into the fiction, and that is not the purpose of a query. A query introduces the piece of fiction in the role of a third party, not the fiction itself. Also, I was just thinking it was cows until the third line, so confusion is rampant, and the reader is being thrown directly into gun violence, so there's nothing about this approach that is working, imo.

Malcolm Sitwell is a grandfather leading a quiet existence, intent on avoiding conflict and anything emotionally difficult. Even though he’s just 50 and still works, some would say that he is already retired. Anyone would seek a quiet life if they witnessed their wife’s face getting crushed by the wheel of an F-150. I feel like the hook is lost here - it's at the end of the para. I don't understand his reason for seeking this life until I get to the end, and we've got this emotional swerve, from a quiet life to someone's face getting crushed under a tire. Also - with no setup for that tire crush, I was immediately thinking this was a farming accident, and that Malcolm was responsible for her death. There are a lot of details here that the reader isn't getting, and because you already know them, are assumed on your part. Your brain is autofilling information - like the fact that she died b/c of traffic violence / domestic terrorism, or that it's people being shot in the opening para, not cows - that just isn't in the text itself.

In the trauma of his wife’s death, Malcolm latches onto his daughter (April) and two granddaughters (Mackenzie and Lizzy) in a death grip. But when Mackenzie and Lizzy are killed in a school shooting, and April commits suicide months later, Malcolm’s grief transforms into uncontrollable rage. The annual NRA convention just happens to be in Malcolm’s hometown. Armed with nothing to lose not sure if this phrasing works, Malcolm plans on attending.

The Safest Square Mile (88,000 words) is a psychological revenge thriller that takes aim at traffic violence, gun violence, generational trauma, and grief. Comps include The Revenge List by Hannah Mary McKinnon and I Kill Killers by S.T. Ashman.

I have a BA in journalism from the University of Oregon and I work as a legal content writer. I am also a professional athlete and have blogged about my sports career since 2008. My most popular post has 100,000 individual views. I have a strong online presence and marketing background.

So you've put yourself in a tough spot - critiquing a violent culture while asking the reader to have a sympathetic view of a mass shooter. That in itself is going to narrow down both your reading audiecne, and people willing to represent you. I'm sure you already know that, just putting it out there.

In terms of the query, most of my thoughts are above, but overall we need more plot. All this does is tell us what Malcolm is going to do and why he's going to do it. But... what's the point? What's the plot? What does the main character want? What obstacles stand in the way? How will he overcome them? Right now all of the tension just feels pyschological which is fine - and how you've identified it yourself. But again, if you're asking the reader to have sympathy for a domestic terrorist - no matter who they are shooting at - you're going to need to have plot as well, and it will need to be present in the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I'm currently seeking representation for my debut novel, Standing Darkness. It is a 70,000 word thriller set in Appalachia. It is the first in a planned series, I would only pitch as a standalone with series potential focusing on the central heroine's journey back and forth between law and her family's criminal habits. It is told from the perspective of four major and five minor characters, with a focus on women and their interactions with law enforcement. Are there four narrators? I wouldn't mention POV if there is a single narrator. Right now, this sounds like it has 9 different narrators, which woudln't be a good move for this genre. Also, I typically encourage writers to open with their hook, and put title, word count, etc., at the bottom. Open with the one thing you've got no one else does - your hook.

One night, a man followed June Morgan home from a tent revival. Five years later, the spring thaw is revealing pieces of murdered women along the hillsides of Appalachia. This is a good hook - open with it!

Kentucky State Investigator Gretchen Connor hears about one of these women from her estranged cousin in a West Virginia lockup. They were all busy, respectable and tragic, similar in a sad and indescribable way. I think you need more here - HOW are they similar? Saying it's indescribable isn't a great way for an author to present an element of their story Someone is tearing them apart. Struggling against her doubtful supervisors and a reputation marred by her family's criminal past and present , she enlists the help of retiring FBI agent Charles Yancy to hunt for a killer who leaves very little behind and moves through rough, mysterious terrain with ease. Really, really long sentence here. Break this up. How is the terrain mysterious? If she's a person who is familiar with Appalachia, would she really feel that it's mysterious? As possible cases and clues pile up around them, they struggle to understand what motivates the man they hunt.

Meanwhile, June is starting to receive strange gifts that leave her confused. The local police aren't worried but someone is watching again. This is super vague - what are the gifts, and what does watching again mean?

Standing Darkness is my first foray into fiction as a published legal scholar on the 14th amendment in the Tulane Journal of Law and Sexuality. My 15 minutes of fame already came as a Jeopardy contestant, so I plan to publish under the nom de plume E.A. Cannon. Oh that is super fun!! Love the bio.

Overall, you need more detail in order to distinguish this from any other female detective seeks to catch killer who goes after women narrative. What makes this one different? And what is June like? I don't have a sense of her character here.