Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Twenty-One years old assassin Elysia Stormbringer’s destiny was pre-determined isn't a destiny presumed to be pre-determined? even before her birth. Her mission, This should be a colon, not a comma To end the reign of the Bloodborn King, who is responsible for the genocide of thousands of mortals by unleashing a deadly plaque upon their realm.
Her Plan,same thing, not a comma, a colon. Also plan should not be capitalized when she hears that the Bloodborn King is seeking a potential bride through bride trials, she boldly eliminates a contestant bride, taking her place in the trials. She is going to win the trials, Kill don't captialize this the Bloodborn King and the cherry on the top, She don't capitalize this is going to take his kingdom for herself. You are using echoes - the same word repeated too closely together - with bride and trials. Find a way to rephrase without repeating yourself.
The only problem, the King is missing from the palace and in his place he left his two best friends, his commander and his adviser in charge, one of Whom’s touch sets her skin on fire and he refuses to leave her alone. This is a run on sentence, whom shouldn't be capitalized, and he sounds vaguely stalkery.
With demons from hell on the loose trying to eliminate the fiercest competitors and someone using forbidden blood magic to control them, Elysia's journey becomes a struggle for power and survival. What do the demons have to do with anything? Who released them? Wasn't her journey already about power and survival? And why are the trials still going on if the King is missing?
The deadly plague, debarred magic, hell demons, forbidden attractions, and obscured secrets that challenge her understanding of actuality becomes the least of her problems when she uncovers secrets that may change her perception of reality and threatens to challenge the very foundation of her identity. Way too vague. Secrets that threaten to undermine someone's identity / purpose are pretty common in the genre, so you need to be clear about what happened, and why it matters, and how your plot point is different from everyone else's
“Shadows of Destiny” is complete, with a potential to become a series, at 100,000 words and is perfect for the fans of Fairytale by Stephen King and Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse.
Before being a writer, I am an avid reader who loves to read books especially of Fantasy and Romance genre. Being almost Twenty-one years old didn’t stop me from pursuing my passion, I have written many stories over the last decade but none of them felt worthy of being published until, “Shadows of Destiny”.
I am confident that once you delve into the world of “Shadows of Destiny” you will be captivated by its rich tapestry of characters and gripping storyline. I would eliminate this paragraph. Of course you have confidence in your own story and believe the agent will be captivated. It's assumed.