Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Once an archeologist extraordinaire, Alice Webb has been banished to an arctic wasteland. Why? The headteacher, who rules the University with chalkboards and grindstones, refused to take her word for it that fairytale creatures existed. Carnivorous birdmen to be exact. Instead of degrees and World Peace Prizes, Alice found herself expelled. It's an interesting premise, but I don't have a feel for the when of this. There aren't any words here to convey that this is SF or futuristic, but someone beng banned to the Arctic for their beliefs feels very dystopian, so I'm confused about the genre / setting.
Desperate to restore her soiled reputation and find shelter from the eternal blizzard beyond civilization, Alice discovers a most peculiar palace. Lo and behold, who should answer but a birdman named Pip? Despite bearing a beak with thousands of needlelike fangs, Pip is more than happy to usher Alice inside for a cup of tea and a bite of raw wolf. Inspiration strikes Alice. Wouldn’t this birdman make a fine homecoming present? Yes, there is the tiny issue of being banished. However, who could claim birdmen are nothing but fairy tale once Alice makes her triumphant return, birdmen in tow? Okay but... what's the plot? Right now I feel like you're walking us through maybe the first 50 pages or so, but I don't really know what the plot is, or why I should care.
Pip leaps at the chance to see more strange featherless creatures like Alice. After all, what are friends if not one-way tickets from a frigid hellscape? But if Alice continues regaling speeches on how she “single-handedly bested carnivorous birdmen,” these creatures will have none of her so-called “civilization” nor academic pride. I don't really know what this means. Friction develops between Alice and Pip / the birdmen? Are they back in civilization? Why does this matter? What's at stake?
[Personalized sentence] I saw you on Publisher’s Marketplace. I am seeking representation for my adult fantasy novel, THE PARADOX PALACE, complete at 95,000 words. It will appeal to fans of AXIOM’S END by Lindsay Ellis with its comedic interspecies friendship with an eldritch entity and PIRANESI by Susanna Clarke as it features a clueless protagonist exploring otherworldly architecture. Good comp titles
My short fiction won placement in the Gunard B. Carlson Memorial Foundation Creative Writing Contest and received an honorable mention from Writers of the Future. I am a graduate of the Immaculata University Honor Society and went on to work at the Phoenixville Public Library. Good bio!
You've done a good job of getting voice in here, which is usually a challenge for queries. However, it's at the sacrifice of the plot. I don't really know what Alice wants (other than validation) or what stands in her way. I don't know what's at risk - the friendship? Civilization itself if she pisses off the birdmen? And I don't know much about Alice's personality. She seems like an affable goof, but then in the last para it sounds like she's talking a lot of shit, and making enemies. More plot, more explanation of who Alice is would be a good move.