Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Magdalane wanted a raise. Just a raise. Surely after five years as the sole overworked, underpaid secretary of a kingdom courthouse, she’s earned that. Your tenses are throwing me off a bit here. The first sentence is in past tense, and I'm not sure there's a real reason to do that. It takes away the immediacy of the hook. Also, I think a better hook is in order - a mail slot to the Assassination Department (mentioned below) - definitely got my attention. I'd find a way to work that into the first line.
She did not ask to be forcibly reassigned to Lord Morbotron’s castle in the Empire’s capital. But since her new workspace comes with direct a mail slot to the Assassination department, she’s not about to file a complaint. So... did she ask for the raise and got reassigned? Or did the reassignment come with the raise? What's the benefit of having a mail slot to the Assassination department? Is this something that works into the plot?Is she slipping her enemies names into it?
Better to make the best of it. After all, working for the Empire comes with plenty of perks. Three watery meals a day, four supervised vacation days a year, state-of-the-art enchanted office equipment, and a tiny living space shared with an off-puttingly bubbly coworker. This para is setting up some type of world building, but it's not really adding anything to the plot at all, and this query is lean on plot.
To be fair, it does pay well, which means she no longer has to worry about supporting her aunt. And the job could hardly be described as boring. As the new Incident Secretary, Magdalane interviews all the colorful characters who commit crimes in the Empire, from flirtatious pirates to talking bears to rebel brawlers who… are surprisingly nice to talk to.
But working for an evil empire takes its toll. Rebel tensions are rising, and a lackluster performance review might mean dire consequences for Magdalane’s family and newfound work-friends. How long can she keep this up? And if she can’t, is there any way to submit her two weeks' notice and make it out of the castle alive? I think your ideas here are interesting, but I don't see a plot. It sounds quirky and fun, but I have no idea what this story is actually about. What does M want? What stands in her way of getting it?
Told in a series of vignettes and snapshot scenes, SECRETARY OF EVIL follows Magdalane as she navigates office shenanigans and malevolent magical altercations, set in Dungeons and Dragons-style fantasy. It runs 60,000 words long and is the first installment of an adult fantasy duology. It might be hard to plot out something that is structured in this way, but right now everything in the query feels very loose and disconnected. We need to have a better idea of the through line of the narrative.
I earned a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Creative Writing from [University]. SECRETARY OF EVIL is my first novel.