The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope this reaches your deepest fantasy desires and I'd look forward to working with you if it does. I know it might seem abrupt to just jump directly into the query, but what's what is expected. You don't need to worry about an introduction like this.

Avatar the last airbender meets the fantastical universe of The Vampire Diaries with an the allure of the Cruel Prince.

Child of Legend revolves around 16-year-old Ariya. A teenager you don't need to state that's she's a teenager; you just said she's sixteen. Pick one or the other who grew up in a witch dominated society where she aspires to become a Knight for Queen Sienna's army. However, only witches are able to become Knights and she is just a mortal. After receiving military level training in her childhood, her father enrols her into specialised combat classes in Avrin Academy. Right now this is reading more like a synopsis than a query. Instead of walking us through the plot, pull the reader in with thematics Ariya's skills impress her teacher who recommends she participates in a contest with the students. Having won the contest and taking she takes the a spot on her first official quest where she meets a charming warlock named Francis, a fierce vampire Salia and a lovely warlock Alfen.

In the midst of finding the Blood Ruby on the deadly quest, she discovers something that makes her question everything about her own existence. I don't know what any of this means. I don't know why the Blood Ruby matters or what it has to do with the plot, and I have no idea what she discovers. A query is not the place to tease. It's much too vague - she finds a cool thing, and discovers something surprsiing. Revelling from the discovery, the Dragon Queen is she the dragon queen now? uncovers many other secrets along the way as she sets out to the Shadowlands where she encounters the mysterious Shadow Knight. Working alongside him, she and her allies fight back against the threat of the Dark Faeries that harbour secrets of their own. Whilst coping with her new found powers, memories and many hardships along the way.

Even the most powerful being must suffer the price. What price? I don't know what this means or what her powers are

Again, none of this really means anything to me. I don't know why they are fighting the faeries, all the discoveries and secrets mean nothing b/c I don't know what they are or why they matter. Child Of Legend is a YA fantasy adventure novel, complete at 89,444 words and is perfect for the fans of The Cruel Prince and Vampire Diaries, with series potential. Content warnings: Sex/cursing/violence I don't know if you need content warnings in a query, but it's possible that people are including them now. I am a South Asian writer. This is my debut novel and has series potential only in the fantasy adventure category. You already stated it has series potential, and mentioning the genre again doesn't need to be done Whilst I am underrepresented and not many authors in my community typically write in the fantasy element, I'm not sure that's the case? I could be wrong! this project touches my heart in a world where imagination and fantasy become a reality.

Right now everything is much too vague. I don't know what matters and why, what the character is questioning about herself, what the goal is and what stands in her way. It starts out feeling like a synopsis that is just walking us through the plot points, then gets too vague by not letting us know anything about what is actually happening.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

After Annalise Bennet loses her father, she turns to her dreams for escape, reveling in these fabricated realities to draw away from the pain. Are these like daydreams? Or sleeping dreams? Is there any sort of negative impact from these? Disconnected from reality, family doesn't like it? That is, until they reveal a perilous truth about her father’s death and the Dyson Sphere that rocks her world and everything she knows. What's the truth? We need to know the plot, a query isn't a place to tease.

Ever since she was young, seventeen-year-old Annalise has known about the Dyson Sphere, a structure that surrounds a star and captures its power for use. When an opportunity arises to travel to the Dyson Sphere—exactly what her father died building a year ago—she refuses to consider the chance. Still shattered by his death and haunted by memories of a past she cannot forget, she prefers to live safely. She has her mother to care for. A twin sister she knows better than herself. Not a complete sentence here. But when the threat of a deadly asteroid pushes her family to make a difficult sacrifice, she has no choice but to take up the chance. What is the sacrifice? Just making the trip? Why it is so scary, just b/c her dad died there? Or b/c of the truth that her dreams revealed? We need to know what is at risk. Is she currently on Earth? What is being threatened by this asteroid?

For what it's worth, the Dyson Sphere is worth echo here with reuse of worth the excitement it riled up. Endless waterfalls, perfect nights for stargazing, deep forests, quaint towns. Even more, Annalise begins to find herself again. However, she quickly realizes that the accident she believed her father’s death to be was a lie, as was the perfect life she was promised: the nights are growing longer, while the days are shortening. The creators of the Sphere are withholding the truth. Nobody knows why. As the hours tick down, time is draining, and there is little chance to search for answers before they never see daybreak again. What is at risk here? Are they just losing light? What is the danger?

For years, Annalise has been told that her dreams aren't real. But as she grapples with an unfamiliar world and struggles to distinguish between dreams and reality, a question arises: What if it wasn't just a dream? But we don't really know what her dreams are, so we don't know what the threat is. Right now I don't really see the plot. Just that she has to find the courage to go there, and when she does, everything is not what it seems, but I don't really know what's at risk, or what the danger is, or if her dreams are visions, or just hopes and wishes.

A THOUSAND BROKEN DREAMS is a young adult sci-fi romance Romance? Where? No mention in the query. novel at 99k This word count could hurt you. SF gets a little more room for world building, but as a debut novelist, if you can get this down to 85k that would raise your chances words. I am submitting this to you because [insert personalization]. My book appeals to fans of sci-fi in Marissa Meyer's THE LUNAR CHRONICLES and romance and self-discovery in Amber Smith's THE WAY I USED TO BE. This is my first novel.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Emily is rummaging through a pile of books in a cellar. She is searching for the missing text of the Legend of Arthur, a volume that's been on her mind for a long time. Meanwhile, someone else is looking for it too. Starting out in London, October, 1948, a newspaper advertisement sends her on a quest through Europe, with twists and turns making her question this mission, and a competitor who is drawing out a side of her she’s afraid to face. But returning empty handed means losing a childhood dream to a life of silent obscurity. None of this is working - I don't know who Emily is, why a newspaper ad would send her through this, why it matters at all, what those twists and turns might be, what the mission is in the first place and why she would question it, who the competitor is, what this other side of her is, or what a childhood dream has to do with anything. These are all very vague concepts that could be applied to hundreds of storylines. What makes yours different? What makes yours stand out from any other adventure quest novel?

John Radley, a stoic historian and art collector, has his own reasons for finding the book. In the course of their mutual path, Emily and Radley’s friction as opposites sets them on the run from a hired killer and the police. Trailing a mysterious man with a briefcase, they travel through a German Oktoberfest, Parisian cafés, a lavish Italian mafia party, and the quiet landscapes in between. They meet philosophers and famous figures of the day, discovering a new perspective on the world, as well as the simple delight of venetian gelato. In time, both must decide what price ambition has, and when compassion for the other comes before personal triumph. Same story. No idea what they're trying to get, why they want it, what the goal is, what's at stake, who anybody is, why there's a hired killer and police involved, etc. It just feels like random words strung together, there's no indication of what the plot is, who these people are, or why their goal matters in the first place.

THE BOOKHUNTER (complete at 170 000 words) is like National Treasure set against a historical backdrop of the 1940’s, focusing on the two main character’s personal journey's and their budding love story. I like the pitch - National Treasure in the 1940's - but I don't know what the Treasure is, or who the people looking for it are, what's at risk, and why I should be rooting for them in the first place. I know nothing about these characters, and very little about the plot. As we talked about, this word count will tank you from the beginning, as well.

Having been raised in several countries growing up, I like to include different elements of language and culture in my writing. I have traveled and given workshops in theatre, dance and music, and come home to write in the quiet, swedish countryside.

The first three chapters are attached to this email, and the full manuscript is available upon request.

I hope this story finds interest with you.