Linda and Charlie Bloom on Repairing Trust When It's Been Broken

The foundational quality of all relationships is trust.

When it has been broken or damaged, it can and needs to be repaired quickly and completely. And since none of us is perfect, breakdowns in trust are all but inevitable. But here’s the good news: nearly all breakdowns in trust can be repaired and even enhanced their pre-breakdown levels.

For those who would like a starter kit, here are a few guidelines:

·      Acknowledge to your partner that you have a concern and ask if they are open to discussing it either now or at another time

 ·       When the two of you do sit down together, thank your partner for their willingness to address your concern.

 ·      Speak and listen from a feeling perspective without blame or defensiveness.

 ·      Speak in terms of your own concerns, needs, hopes and intention for the conversation, without blame or accusations of your partner.

 ·      Accept responsibility, for your part in the breakdown.

 ·      Let your partner know what would be helpful for you to hear from them that that might help to restore a higher level of mutual trust.

 ·      Invite your partner to share their perspective with you and thank them when they have done so.

 ·      Listen attentively to your partner to your partner when they speak to you and try to stay focused on the situation that activated the breakdown in trust.

 ·      Be willing to apologize when you deem it appropriate without demanding that they do the same.

 ·      Practice forgiveness when you feel the need for it.

 ·      When you feel that there has been some progress in the repair process bring the conversation to a close and express gratitude to your partner for joining you in the conversation.

Most breakdowns in trust require multiple conversations to repair the damage that a breakdown in trust causes. Keep in mind that this is just a starter kit. Most relationships bring multiple opportunities to practice committed listening and respectful speaking, both of which are essential in the process of trust-building and trust repair. It does take work, but it’s a labor of love and it’s worth it!

Find more tips like this in the Bloom’s new book an End to Arguing: 101 Valuable Lessons for All Relationships.

Linda Bloom, LCSW and Charlie Bloom, MSW have been married since 1972. Trained as psychotherapists and relationship counselors, they have worked with individuals, couples, groups, and organizations since 1975 and have lectured and taught at learning institutes throughout the USA and internationally, including the Esalen Institute, the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, Northern California Mindfulness Institute, The California Institute for Integral Studies, and the World Health Organization. They have authored five books, including the bestseller, 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (over 100,000 sold), Secrets of Great Marriages, Happily Ever After... and 39 Other Myths about Love, That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places, and An End to Arguing: 101 Valuable Lessons for All Relationships. They are founders and co-directors of Bloomwork, based in Santa Cruz, California. Check out their YouTube channel.

Norma Watkins on Bad Sex

Young women coming up in the middle of the last century were not supposed to think about sex, much less have any. Sex was what happened after you got married and before you were blessed with a child, preferably male. In middle school, we were shown a film about menstruation, an experience so embarrassing, girls and boys were not allowed to view it together. That was the end of sex education. The lesson appeared to be: after a girl got “the curse,” she could get pregnant, and it was a proper young lady’s responsibility to keep uncontrollable males from going too far. No explanation or excuse for the feelings of lust roiling inside our own bodies. 

Boys set up residence in my head at fourteen, cleaning out what little sense I had. I was obsessed with sex. I thought about it, dreamed about it, and tried to find books that might give me some idea how it was done. Most novels were sadly deceptive, ending love scenes with “and then he took her,” or “the storm echoed their passion.” Even those paltry descriptions filled me with scalded longing. Out there somewhere was perfect lovemaking, and when you found it, when a boy put his thing inside you, bells rang; you fainted into ecstasy; you were fulfilled. Reading about it, I felt pretty sure if a boy got anywhere near me with his thing, it would probably work. 

My first experience, in the back seat of a Buick, turned out to be nasty, painful, and short. At least I didn’t get pregnant. Never mind, I would wait for marriage and real fulfillment. On our wedding night, my new husband nibbled on a breast, pushed inside me, and came. It hurt like hell. After several repeats, I asked when things might get better for me. “Takes time,” he said, “maybe three years.” Three years! None of the magazines I read gave any helpful advice beyond “satisfying your husband.” My friends did not discuss sex, and I was too embarrassed to admit I’d never had an orgasm. 

After giving birth to four children, I finally got up the nerve to ask a doctor for help. I explained the situation while he studied his desk blotter. When I finished, he said, “When my wife and I first moved South, I didn’t like turnip greens, but I ate them a couple times a week and now I like them.” I told him I’d been eating the turnip greens for ten years. 

We were ignorant and I wonder now if ignorance wasn’t built into the system. Men appeared to have no problem with satisfaction, and women who complained too much could be labeled hysterical. If you got overly hysterical, a friendly judge would be happy to place you in an institution. Sex was for procreation and a real lady was not expected to enjoy it. 

Good sex was for bad women, and I finally learned how to be one.  

Norma Watkins has a Ph.D. in English and an M.F.A. in Creative Writing. Her memoir, The Last Resort: Taking the Mississippi Cure, won a gold medal as best non-fiction published in the southeast by an independent publisher. The sequel, That Woman from Mississippi, relates the consequences of impulsivity and exile. She publishes short pieces in newspapers and anthologies (See Stories). Watkins lives with her woodworker husband Les and two cats on the Mendocino Coast of California.

Publishing a Book Is Not the End but Rather Only the Beginning in Getting Your Book Read

Congratulations on getting your book published!  

Now, get to work!

If, like me, you signed with a small publishing house, you must do almost everything to market, publicize, advertise, and sell your book to get it read.  Nothing about it is glamorous.  All of it is time-consuming, frequently disappointing, soul-sucking, and expensive.   You must become shameless and relentless at self-promotion, leaving you with bouts of imposters’ syndrome and self-doubt, not to mention less financially secure.  The modern-day author’s life isn’t for the faint-hearted or starry-eyed idealist.

Here are a few things to consider:

  • Take advantage of your publisher’s free offerings, like posting on their social media using some marketing lingo.  Publishers often get discounts on promotional/marketing deals, but they’re still hundreds of dollars each.

  • Enter “book award” programs at around $70/entry, plus copies of the book.  

  • Do book fairs but the fees and expenses may not be recouped.

  • Visit/call independent bookstores.  However, most small bookstores buy only a few copies wholesale from Ingram at about 30-40% discount, with the right to return.  Some may agree to carry on consignment but will take 40-60% of sales.

  • Do readings at bookstores, libraries, and schools.  Getting approval could be difficult.  Once approved, publicize the event through traditional and social media, flyers, word-of-mouth, etc., and market the book through give-aways, raffles, and a book sale/signing during the reading.  

  • Find bloggers and other reviewers.  You may be asked for a physical copy of the book, book copies and/or a gift card ($10-$50) for a giveaway contest, etc.  

  • Contact traditional and social media to try to get publicity.

  • Talk to everyone you encounter about your book and enlist everyone to do the same.  This may require giving away free copies.

  • Join/form an author group to swap marketing ideas.  Note, however, that some of them may be competing against you in the same genre and you’ll have to deal with all the emotional and psychological ups and downs inherent in any competition.

I don’t mean to discourage anyone from writing and publishing their ideas.  But I also don’t want writers to believe in the false hope popularized by the movie Field of Dreams: “If you build it, they will come” – i.e., “If you publish it, they will read.”  In truth, if you do nothing more than just publish, chances are they will not read.  If you want to reach readers beyond your family and friends, doing nothing is simply not an option.  Of course, neither book sales nor increased readership can be guaranteed no matter what you do but doing nothing ensures no book sales and no readership.

Marissa Bañez is a lawyer and author of the children’s illustrated book, Hope and Fortune.  Her second book, Hues and Harmony (How the Rainbow Butterfly Got Her Colors) will be published on July 20, 2023.