The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Imagine yourself walking out of your apartment building on your way to pick up your morning coffee. You notice a rather out-of-place man looking through some garbage on the street. As you walk by him, a van parked along the street’s doors blast open, the garbage man flips off his dirty, tattered clothes displaying a blue windbreaker with the word “POLICE” emblazoned across the back. Detectives pour out of the van and city police cars with lights flashing block the streets ahead and behind you. Commands of “get on the ground” and “show me your hands” shatter the still, crisp morning air. This isn't a great way to start a query. You're basically sharing a scene, and asking the agent to consider themselves as your main character. It's not that much different from starting with a rhetorical question, and the scene itself is a pretty standard takedown scene, there's nothing new or original about it. I also thought the man on the street with the garabage was the one being arrested, so overall not a good way to introduce your book. Start with the hook.

Richard “Rick” Wayne is a successful businessman and third generation owner of his family’s manufacturing business who found himself in this exact situation. “Innocence Framed” follows Rick on his journey across the country running from the law searching for who framed him and why. Framed him for what? Murder? Money laundering? I don't know what he supposedly did or did not do. During his journey, he exhausts those he would naturally suspect of framing him and enlists the help from unlikely sources as well as some friendly sources. He uncovers a serial killer who had been weaving her craft of destruction and vengeance who was completely unnoticed by law enforcement. This is all very vague. I don't know what he's been framed for, or what if any connection there is to his business, or this serial killer.

Innocence Framed is an 85,000-word novel set in modern times and looks at the possibility of innocent people being charged and convicted with their own shed DNA. How does DNA come into it? There's no indication in the description. It will appeal to readers who enjoy the suspense of Harlan Coben's thrillers, or the relentless pursuit of "The Fugitive," and the chilling psychology of serial killer novels like "The Silence of the Lambs." I appreciate your time for reading my email and first five pages of my novel. I look forward to talking to you soon and can send you the entire manuscript when requested. You're using up a lot of space and word count here for comp titles, while giving almost no information about your book itself. A query needs to establish what the main character wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they will do to overcome those obstacles, and what is at risk if they fail. Right now this isn't doing that.

I am REDACTED. My life has taken a wandering path after graduating from high school in 1985. I worked for nearly 30 years as a machinist before finishing my undergrad degree in legal studies and attending law school. I graduated from law school at 49 and currently practice law in Colorado. Good bio in that it's clear you have some knowledge of law, but what kind of law? Is it related at all to anything in the book?

I am seeking representation for Innocence Framed. I currently am editing the initial draft. I do have an idea for a follow up novel with Rick. Thank you for taking the time to review my submission. Don't bother with this info, it's just taking up space. You're querying, so they assume you're seeking representation. Definitely don't say that you are still editing it; they want you to have a final, polished version in hand if you've proceeded to the point of querying. Same with mentioning a sequel. Right now your job is to interest them in reading the first one, and this query isn't doing that.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my thriller ALL THE MEMORIES COME TO KILL (89,000 words) in which a man is blackmailed into tracking down a serial killer by a mysterious woman with his same nightmares. Since this is a little convoluted I suggest jumping right in with your hook, and put title, genre, and word count at the bottom.

Jack Foster is a Hong Kong accountant busting the books of the Hong Kong Triads. After he uncovers a triad money-laundering scheme, the gang’s enforcer derails his investigation by brutally murdering Jack's his wife, Mara. Jack’s grief turns to anger after the police run out of clues.

Then a similar murder in Los Angeles makes the news. Jack quits his job to travel there and track the killer down. While waiting to depart, he’s sent a video depicting Mara's final moments. The trauma wipes all memory of her death and with it, any plans to investigate.. That seems incredibly unlikely. He lands in LA, convinced he’s arrived for a new job and Mara will soon be joining him. .But that's not a memory wipe, that's either hallucination or severe mental illness.

Only Jack’s subconscious isn’t about to give up. His vivid imagination creates a female alter ego. an alter ego for who? Himself? who blackmails him to continue investigating under the ruse her sister was the victim.. So he's blackmailing... himself? And for what? What did he do that is worth blackmailing him for? Together,they skirt the line between reality and fantasy while torturing suspects to very real deaths. Now a psychopathic enforcer must face his ultimate nightmare—a victim. But Jack isn't a victim, technically. His wife was. crazier than he is. Only Jack’s strength depends on believing Mara is still alive, and to complete his revenge, he must first accept her death.. Does he though? If he and this female alter ego are murdering people, aren't they on the path of the killer anyway?

For the most part, this is just confusing. I don't think you want to frame this as him having his memory wiped. It's more like a psychotic break, but to my understanding, those don't tend to last for a long time, the way you need it to for this plot to work. I don't understand what the alter ego is blackmailing him for, or really what's at stake since the end game will be the same - the death of the killer - whether Jack gets his memory back or not.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

HER MOTHER’S KILLER is a 71,000-word dual-POV, dual-timeline, adult psychological suspense with speculative elements. My novel is a twist on “Fatal Attraction" that combines dark secrets, trauma, and twisted relationships similar to “Look What You Made Me Do” by Elaine Murphy with the unreliable narrator and morally grey characters in "The Housemaid's Secret" by Freida McFadden. Good comp titles, they need to be in call caps, like your own title, while the name of a film should be in italics.

When Norma was eight, she testified to seeing her father murder her mother. Perhaps use "witness" instead of "seeing." He was sentenced to death.Combine these two sentences: "...her father murder her mother, sentencing him to death. She went through years of therapy, broken and alone.

Twenty years later, she's not the girl who put daddy behind bars. She's the woman looking for hook-ups with different men, deceiving herself that she isn't still broken, and keeping her distance from everyone-except the little girl no one else can see. A little more here. What is her relationship with this girl? Is she scared of it? Why does she not keep her distance from the little girl?

Tonight, the new man is Norma’s reserved boss, Paul. But when she beckons for him to come hither, he doesn't.

Paul knows he shouldn't touch Norma — he's the one who really killed her mother. But Norma is as seductive as her mother; the married woman he slept with when he was eighteen. Norma is Paul’s second chance at the only woman he's ever loved. But why would he / did he kill her mom? And also - ew - he thinks of Norma as his second chance at... her mother? How is the reader supposed to feel about Paul? Becuase this sentence makes me think he's a total creep, but the para below makes it sound like he's charming and an actual love interest. It's confusing.

Norma entices Paul into her typical hook-up. But I thought he rejected her? Does she try again, and succeeds? But she's captivated by Paul’s reserved boyish charm and falls desperately,obsessively in love. What about him? How does he feel? He appears to have rejected her, then went ahead and went through with it anyway? Then the little girl, the manifestation of herself as a child, helps Norma remember what she really saw when she was eight: Paul, not her father, killed her mother, destroyed her family, and broke her. But... why? Why would Paul kill her mom? And why would she not remember it that way? Getting an 18 year old boy confused with her father seems like a long shot, even for an 8 year old.

Now Norma's not thinking about hooking up. She's thinking about killing. But what's at stake? A query has to do a few things -- establish what the main character wants, what stands in their way of getting it, what they'll do to overcome the obstacles, and what's at stake if they fail. So... what's at stake? I don't have an indication of how the reader is supposed to feel about this relationship. Are we rooting for them? Not rooting for them? Is Paul a creep, or what? What is Norma's relationship with this little girl, and does she have any concerns at all about her own sanity, since she only has a relationship with a hallucination of her child self? This all needs to be much more fleshed out in order to be compelling.