Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I’m excited to share my debut paranormal thriller, THE COUNT IN THE ANDES. I wouldn't bother with this line. The genre and title will be mentioned at the bottom, and you don't need to say it's your debut. That's assumed. Better to jump in with your hook.
Pablo García’s life is a mess. His wife is divorcing him, he’s an alcoholic, and he was just demoted from his job for a botched operation, It might be better to state where he works before this, because with this wording I immediately assumed he was a surgeon which he doesn’t like to talk about. Kind of an assumed, I wouldn't waste word count on it As a detective in Ecuador’s Terrorism Operation Division, he’s seen his fair share of violent and gruesome scenes. Now, he’s been reduced to record deaths which in a country like Ecuador and a city like Quito, happens every day. Record deaths? Or murders? And just record them? Is he investigating them, or just like walking around with a clipboard and an abacus?
However, when a dead prostitute appears drained of all her blood, everything changes. Changes how? Like changes how he feels about the job? Changes his alcoholism and now his wife isn't leaving him? What is changed?
More victims soon appear and Pablo joins forces with an intrepid journalist, Fernando, to crack the case. Their search leads them to other people connected to it. Gregorio, the son of a wealthy businessman, Johanna, a woman who survived an attack, and Alicia, a forensics official who is romantically involved with Pablo. As they navigate dead ends and close calls, they realize they are caught in the middle of a war of not gangs or drug cartels but vampires. On one side, Leonardo, an impulsive and dangerous vampire, and, on the other, Count Dracula. In the shadows, Luzmila, a vampire who works for Dracula and is Leonardo’s mother, plots the best outcome for her. I'm not sure if naming all of these characters is doing you any good. I've just got a cast list here, but no idea of what the actual plot is.
Meanwhile, Pablo’s wife, Marta, has issues of her own after Dracula kidnaps her on the eve of a momentous decision. Pablo and the rest uncover a web of secrets and lies that involve the vampires and the country’s elite, who are in league with the creatures of the night.Way too vague. Why would Dracula kidnap her? What is this momentous decision? A web of secrets and lies, plus a coup with rich folks isn't exactly brand new material. Right now, this isn't doing it's job. We need to know 1) What does the main character want? 2) What stands in the way of him getting it? 3) What will he do to overcome this obstacles? 4) What's at stake if he fails? Right now I've got a vague idea of plot that isn't doing anything new, and a cast list that I don't know how to apply to the plot. Save that space, and get information about what distinguishes your ms from all the others into the query.
THE COUNT IN THE ANDES is a 94,000-word, four-part novel As in, a series? It's better to pitch it as a standalone with series potential, especially if you're trying to push four books at once in the same vein as books like Certain Dark Things by Silvia Moreno-García, Vampires of El Norte by Isabel Cañas, The Outsider and Holly by Stephen King, and The Searcher by Tana French.
It transports Dracula from XIX-century England to present-day Ecuador and uses him as an anchor to talk about the many problems the country currently faces. Corruption, colonialism, reproductive rights, violence (especially against women), inequality, and greed are depicted in a society on the verge of collapse and where “choice” is something reserved only for the most powerful. Like Stoker’s novel, it’s written in epistolary form through journal entries and letters, and it’s also told from different points of view. So this is what actually makes it different from other books. Get this information inside of the query itself, get rid of the vague language above and show how it does these things through the query, not in an explanatory paragraph at the bottom that the agent may not even read far enough to get to
I’m an Ecuadorian writer who has mostly written for TV. I’ve written two children’s TV shows that were broadcast nationally and won two local awards. On the print side, a short story I wrote won third prize in a national competition and was published in an anthology book. This is my first English-language novel. Great bio! Strike the last line, it's assumed you don't have any novel publishing credits if they aren't mentioned.