The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m seeking representation for RUNELIGHT BURNING, my 106,000 word new adult romantic fantasy novel with series potential, inspired by Norse mythology. It’s the slow-burn romance of Spark of the Everflame meets the intricate worldbuilding and politics of The City of Brass. Given your interest in XXX, I thought it might be a good fit for your list. Not a bad start, although if you think it's possible to get it under 100k, I would definitely try. You'd be surprised how much you can cut out.

Her power could spark a war, but will she let it burn? Let what burn? Her power? The war?

Half-breed Aelia Fairburn has never truly belonged, with too much Runelight in her blood to be accepted in the Mortali realm, yet not enough of it to be welcomed amongst the elitist Álfr. So why should she care about the growing discord between the two? Especially when she’s busy looking after an overly altruistic father and a thriving smuggling business. Why is there a growing discord? What is the problem over?

But when escaping arrest leads to her revealing the true extent of her Runelight – a light power greater than the Four Runes – the Mortali hunt her as a weapon for war. This really doesn't mean much to the reader, b/c there is a lot of assumed knowledge here. We don't have a grasp on the worldbuilding, so this is just kind of a jumble of words that I understand, but don't know what they mean when put together. That’s when Cahír, a condescending mercenary hired by Aelia’s estranged half-brother in the Álfr realm, This is a pretty long descripion. I think you can just say he's a condescending mercenary arrives promising to escort her to safety. Unable to contain her powers, or her growing attraction to the unusually moral mercenary, their journey forces Aelia to confront her fears; what will happen if she lets him, or her Runelight, in.

But as it turns out the Mortali aren’t the only ones after her power, and choosing not to wield it may cost her everything.

Same problem here at the end. I don't really know what the power is, or what's at stake, or who is arguring, or what they're arguing about. There are a lot of words here that aren't necessairly coming together with meaning unless you already have background information (like the author) to fill in the gaps.

I work in communications at a university library and consume books with a passion when not writing or walking my dog. I was a finalist in the London Festival of Writing’s Friday Night Live competition. Good bio! Just work on getting more plot into this query rather than leaning on the worldbuilding.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Your enthusiasm for smart, commercially appealing fiction with strong protagonists and unexpected twists makes me think my manuscript, Capo Cruise Lines might interest you. Not a bad start, but you need to indicate a genre for your story here. Smart, commerically appealing fiction with strong protags and twists is a broad swath. Where would this be shelved in a bookstore?

Josh, a repressed engineer, reluctantly joins a singles cruise at his father’s urging to loosen up and live a little. But when he’s seated with four captivating women—each with ties to organized crime—his vacation spirals into a dangerous flirtation with seduction, secrets, and betrayal. As shipboard antics and exotic ports of call complicate the group’s dynamics, Josh must navigate a web of intrigue to escape with his life and livelihood and a newfound sense of self. This isn't really doing the work of a query, it's way too broad. What are the secrets? The seduction? The betrayal? What are these antics and how are the group dynamics complicated? What is this web of intrigue? Right now this could be anything from an at-sea Amish puppy mill to sex trafficking. There's no indication here of what the book is actually about. A query needs to answer these questions -- 1) What does the MC want? 2) What stands in their way of getting it? 3) What will they have to do to overcome the obstacles? 4) What's at stake if they don't? Right now this answers the first one - the MC just wants to chill out and maybe hook up. What stands in their way is vague at best, and the last two questions are unanswered.

Complete at 70,000 words, Capo Cruise Lines is my debut novel.Don't bother mentioning this. I’m a professional freelance writer specializing in cybersecurity courseware for high school students, where I craft engaging, accessible content on complex topics. This manuscript draws from my own travel misadventures and is written in the spirit of Elmore Leonard, Carl Hiaasen, and Janet Evanovich. I studied under Pulitzer Prize winner, Frank McCourt, who described my work as “witty, intelligent, and humorous”—qualities I’ve strived to carry into this manuscript.

Right now your bio is longer than the part where you actually talk about the book. Get the word count and comp authors into the first paragraph to make your genre more clear. Studying under Frank McCourt is awesome, but the query isn't conveying wit or humor. If it's a voicey work (and the authors you use as comps are very voicey) then the query needs to have a voice that conveys the voice of the manuscript itself.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Complete at 78K words, THE WORST OF US is a romantic suspense exploring a conflicted love story tangled in past trauma and lingering guilt, similar to All the Missing Pieces by Catherine Cowles. It also mirrors the morally gray character and the found-family dynamic of The Last Thing He Told Me by Laura Dave. Good intro! You're clear on your genre, comp titles, and audience.

Against her better judgement, thirty-year-old teacher Emma Johnson provides a false alibi when her troubled but beloved brother Tony is accused of a minor drug-related crime. However, a week later, Tony kills a single mother in a hit-and-run, leaving the victim’s eighteen-year-old daughter, Brianna—one of Emma’s students—completely alone. Overwhelmed with guilt, Emma vows to offer the girl support and a stable home, carefully concealing her brother’s involvement in the accident. Normally I would say that I need to know how the two crimes connect to each other, but that becomes clear later on, so I think this para is good as is.

Detective Nathan Stone has made it his mission to dismantle the drug organization Tony is tied to, committed to live up to his father’s reputation in the Narcotics Division. Despite his sharp instinct for reading people, he cannot determine whether Emma is a victim of her brother’s manipulation or a masterful liar hiding his whereabouts. Either way, he knows she could help bring Tony to justice.

Bound by their mutual concern for Brianna’s struggle with grief, Emma and Nathan find themselves unexpectedly aligned and slowly drawn to each other. Soon, their nightly conversations Nightly conversations seem like a lot. How did this develop? Did they cross paths as part of his investigation? shift from formal to intimate. But when Tony threatens to expose Emma’s false alibi But wouldn't that implicate him in the drug related crime? I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense in terms of something he's holding over her head; he loses his alibi if he rats her out if she doesn’t help him stay hidden, she must choose between the man she’s falling in love with, the girl she promised to care for, and the brother who protected her throughout their abusive childhood. Technically these are three things, so she's not choosing "between" them, because that implies two things.

Overall this is in pretty good shape in terms of plot. What it needs is a little more character injection. We don't have any feel for who these people are. Sad or scrappy? Doing great or pretending? We don't really have any idea what they are like as people, just what their purpose in the plot is. The last line says that Emma had an abusive childhood, which needs to be developed more and metioned earlier.