The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Benjamin Reed Harrison is the perpetual new kid, as his family is constantly moving. He’s not sure why, only that is has something to do with the shadowy figure his mother refers to as “THAT WOMAN” and his father calls his writing partner. Who IS this woman and why does she have such power over Ben’s family? Why do they have to move so often? And what will Ben do to get to the bottom of the mystery? My immediate takeaway upon reading this is that dad is having an affair. I realize that is probably not it, but the fact that mom refers to her as "that woman," just makes my mind instantly jump to that. If that's not the case, you might need to do some rethinking about phrasing.

THAT WOMAN…and Ben is a 32,851 word debut Middle Grade book, which tells the heartwarming story of Ben, his family and friends, and…THAT WOMAN. You don't need to state that it's a debut. Also, I'd put this paragraph at the end, along with some comp titles, followed by a brief bio. Just sitting here isn't the right place.

Name - Redacted Email - Redacted 000-000-0000

Definitely don't put your personal info right in the middle of the query. It goes at the bottom, like any letter.

Synopsis A synopsis and a query are two different things. You don't put a synopsis inside of a query, besides of which, what's below is definitley more of a query than a synopsis, so just strike this line.

Ben and his family have lived in multiple states in his fifteen years of life. He’s gotten used to being the new kid, but it doesn’t mean he likes it. Now that he is beginning to pay more attention attention to what?, he realises that the constant moving is due to a connection between his father and the reclusive A.H. Reed, whom his mother refers to simply as “That Woman”. What kind of connection? Again, it just sounds a bit like an affair, so you might need to rethink the approach.

Ben meets Jazz, a new girl who seems to charm anyone around her, and Montrose, the teen computer guru who has a way with the ladies- at least HE thinks so. The trio uncover a huge literary secret, the discovery of which could lead to Ben having to leave again, and continue on the run. A query isn't the place to tease. What is the literary secret, and how is it connected to his parents? Before that can happen, Ben has a chance to stand up to his parents and force them to decide if they want to continue to run, or face the future and build a life in Fairview. How does he go about doing that? What are they running from? Why does he want to stay in Fairview?

About the Author Don't state this, just have a bio at the end.

Having lived all over the Eastern United States, I grew up with Ben’s life. While I have written and published poetry, winning the 21st Century Emily Dickinson award for my book “Love, Loss and the Hope In Between”, this is my debut novel for Middle Grade readers. Good bio, but don't state it's your debut for MG. It's assumed.

I believe That Woman…And Ben is a perfect fit for readers who enjoy Louis Sachan, Sachar Gary D Schmidt and other authors who spin engaging tales about growing up in unusual situations and places. I’m confident that my engaging storytelling and vivid world-building will captivate middle-grade readers. Saying that your own storytelling is engaging, vivid, and will captivate people doesn't do you any favors - of course you think that. You wrote it. Get the comp authors into the paragraph with the wrod count and title, move that para to the end with the bio. And overall, get more plot into the query. What does Ben want? What stands in the way of him getting it? What will he do to overcome those obstacles? That's the essence of a query, and while some elements of that are here, they need to be brought out more, along with more plot details, such as the secret.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I saw on your MSWL that you’re looking for______. I hope you’ll consider my adult mystery novel THE SECRET LIFE OF A PET DETECTIVE complete at 75,000 words. It combines the whip-smart amateur detective from J.C. Kenney Elmo Simpsons’ Mystery series set in the pet-themed setting set in the pet themed setting is repetitive of Julie Chase’s Cat Got Your Diamonds series. It features #ownvoice Asian American experience with a multicultural cast.

In the picture-perfect East Valley, failed Cornell vet student Clark Zhang is working as a pet shelter attendant while licking his wounds from past failures and getting his life back on track. I don't think you need the second part of this sentence. It's all easily fill in the blank for the reader Life is fine until his parents come to visit with an unexpected birthday gift: a Foreclosure notice on their family house. Clark has no choice but to accept an offer from the wealthy Baxter family for their missing poodle, despite the warning of his best friend, a cop for the local PD. So the foreclosure became his responsibility just because of family affiliation? What does "an offer for their missing poodle" mean? It might be more easily understandable if you state that it's a reward?

Then, Clark discovers why the Baxters hired him: someone wants the family heir, fifteen-year-old John Baxter, dead. Is that connected to the poodle? Why would he dis cover this? Only Clark, an underestimated pet-detective, can dig around town using the missing poodle as a cover story and find the origins of the death threats targeting John. And with his connections to the local PD, How does he have those connections? only he can update the family on the police on doings. Not sure what you're saying here. With the Baxters’ less than stellar reputation around town, they can’t trust anyone. Nor can Clark.

After the Baxters’ security guard is killed and John disappears, Clark must choose I 'd use decide if the case is worth risking his friendship with who? and life, when the death threats start showing up at his apartment. And quick, with a Foreclosure notice looming over him. Fairly awkward phrasing, retool this at the end.

I’m a Chinese Canadian female writer passionate about mysteries and multicultural narratives, who spends too much money on audiobooks.

It sounds cute, but the threads need to be drawn together. How does the poodle connect to the investigation with John? Did the family purposely draw him in, like a bait and switch? We need more plot here, right now it's just reading very generic. Also, not sure if it's a pet-centric setting if the only pet mentioned is missing. If he's still working in his full time job, cool, but put that in here so that the pet element is present. Ask yourself what about this narrative is different from any other pet-themed mystery, and get that into the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

We all want power until it’s the reason we are hunted and destroyed for. Awkward phrasing here for your hook. Ruined Light is a tale of two powerful females, Princess Quien and Princess Rose, who navigate a fantasy world of powers Echo where with powerful and powers, plus power in first line and creatures while realizing their magic is like a dagger with no handle. I don't know what that means. I am seeking representation for my 109,000-word YA- Fantasy novel, Ruined Light. My novel is perfect for readers who love Lightlark by Alex Aster and One Dark Window by Rachal Gilling.

Quien has always felt worthless in life ever since she failed to save her father on his deathbed, which her mother, the Queen, is still resentful of to this day. When the world each year crumbles to the devastating creatures that lurk in the wild, awkward phrasing The Queen hosts a ball gathering all the last standing kingdoms. During the celebrations, Quien discovers that her mother is controlling the rebellion what rebellion? The creatures mentioned above just sound like wild animals, not a controlled force and has plans to put her sister on the throne after assassinating her. Confusing - the "her" here could refer to her mother or Quien Striking a deal with a prince to help her escape, Quien travels to his kingdom to use her healing ability to cure a sickness among his citizens. On the road, Quien's bodyguard, Terricus, hunts them down and, to Quien's surprise, decides to join them on the journey across Magnathan but fears his secret reasoning for being here. Why would she fear it? What is her suspicion based on?

Princess Rose across the world has just lost her magical ability and her best friend all because of the ruthless rebellion that wants to take out anyone with magical abilities. Awkward and run-on sentence here, and I still don't know who is rebelling or why or against who Feeling powerless and with her only companion left, Steggin, they adventure to the ancient civilization of Ioni, where a group of other Blessed who have turned into mundanes gather. I don't know if Steggin is a dog or a person, and I don't know what a mundane is There, Princess Rose feels a pull to the center of Ioni, where strange magic awakes, granting her a new ability: death. Given this second chance, Rose hunts down the prince and rebels who betrayed her and gets the revenge she deserves. What does it mean to give her the ability of death? Everyone has the ability to kill someone, you just need a weapon. Why is this special. Who is this prince and who are the rebels, and what connection at all do these two women have to each other?

As an author, I have a solid educational background. I hold a bachelor's degree in middle education from the University of Cincinnati. I actively participate in multiple writer and author groups and regularly attend writing conventions.

Good bio, but the query needs a lot of work. There's nothing tying these two stories together, and I don't see a spark of something new and different, either. There's magic and loss of magic, and revenge, and rebellion, but nothing to say how this is different from any other fantasy, or how all of these disparate elements come together to form a cohesive plot.