Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I’m writing to seek your representation for my first novel, Twin Shadows of Fate, a thriller of 85,000 words. This will be the first book in a series of three. You definitely don't want to try to pitch a trilogy as a debut author. If it's possible to make this a stand alone with series potential, go with that. Also, if there's a way to expand on the genre that would be great. What kind of thriller? Political? Psychological? Domestic?
My novel deals with identical twin girls who know nothing about each other. When they finally meet it's at a scene of devastation. One of them has to survive and save the world her way. This is pretty vague, a "scene of devastation" doesn't mean anything to the agent. It could be the Titanic sinking, it could be WW2, it could be a crash crash on the interstate.
Louise is a killer and she’s out for blood.
Brandy is a nurse and she wants to save the world.
Louise has just murdered her parents and is grieving the death of her partner.Why would she kill her parents, whow did her partner die? They were successful international assassins. On their final mission together, they discovered details of a plot funded by ex-Nazis to take over the world. Louise and Brandy had been experimented on as part of that plot. In what way? For what purpose?
Brandy is trying to recover from a horrendous childhood. She’d been brought up by a seemingly mad doctor who’d tried to whip her into submission. But who is she, what does she want, and what does it have to do with the plot?
Louise has to bring the plot to the attention of the world. She knows most of the press and media is ultimately owned by the ex-Nazis so she decides to do it by taking the daughters of some of the wealthiest men in the world as hostages. Being Louise, this also involves mass killings. Why? An assassin is more of a fine instrument, mass killings are a blunt weapon.
Brandy, a medic, goes along What does "goes along" mean? Is she hanging out with Louise now? The beginning says they have no idea that the other exists to help the wounded. The two are guided to each other by a mutual bond which pulls them together, for a final fight to the death to save the world. What kind of mutual bond? Is it paranormal? Again, very vague wording. A final fight to the death with who? And why is the whole world in danger? What about those hostages?
"Twin Shadows of Fate" is a thrilling tale of redemption, resilience, and the indomitable power of kinship. In a world where darkness threatens to engulf all, Louise and Brandy must harness their unique strengths to unveil the truth, expose the villains, and ultimately determine the fate of humanity. While committing mass killings? As they navigate a treacherous path of self-discovery, their journey serves as a reminder that even in the darkest of times, the bond between twins can illuminate the path to salvation.
I’m a sixty-something retiree with a wife, two young children and stories to write.
I studied English Language and English Literature at college and I completed the Open University Start Writing Fiction Course. The only writing competition I have entered was with the Literary Consul in which I received an Honorary Mention.
A query needs to do the following things: establish what the main character wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they need to do to overcome those obstacles, and what the stakes are if they fail. The MC's seem to want to get revenge more than justice, I don't know who the "bad guys" are, what the kidnapping plot has to do with the overall goal, or how that plays out, and how the entire world is in danger if they fail, and what these experiments have to do with anything tied to the Nazi plot. Also, ex-Nazi's make it seem like this isn't set in a contemporary timeline, so that needs to be addressed as well. Right now this is reading as rather chaotic. All of these elements need to be drawn together and the connections clarified.