The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m excited to query you with my novel SERENDIPI-DON’T (70,000 words). This Serendipity-inspired could I'm old, but I don't know what you're referencing here. Also not a romance fan, so that could be it, too romance pairs the heat and witty banter of Emily Henry’s Funny Story with the lifestyle rebuilding of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love. Although specifically targeted toward Gen Z and Millennial women, SERENDIPI-DON’T is perfect for anyone who's ever worried about the soon-to-be ex-partners stumbling along in the background of their favorite end-game romances.

Bridget and John are the perfect couple. They go together like WASPs and white wine, celery juice and Soul Cycle. that's a big lol from me

Except now, unexpectedly, they don’t.

Because John just ended his engagement to Bridget to pursue the love of his life – the love of his life who isn’t his long-term, live-in girlfriend and current fiancé. No, no. The love of John’s life is a woman he hardly knows at all, a woman he spent a few magical hours with ten years ago but has never forgotten.

And, wouldn’t you know it? On the morning of John’s wedding to not-the-love-of-his-life, fate stepped in to push him toward that magical, mystery woman.

Fate! Who can argue with that?

Bridget, that’s who. Well, at least she can try.

While on a desperate hunt for answers, what does this mean? Answers to what? Is she trying to get him back? Bridget’s neglected friendships, lackluster career, and ancient goldendoodle are all that’s left to comfort her in the wake of the disastrous gamble she made that John was to be her future husband. Are the friendships and career in this state b/c she put everything into John? A little clarification would be good.

That is until an unexpected run-in with her neighbor, Ollie, who transforms Bridget’s misguided quest for answers into a shared game. Need more on that. What kind of a game? Group sex? Scavenger Hunt? Weightlifting competition? What follows for Bridgette and Ollie is a year of friendship, rebuilding, mysteries solved, and destinies reconsidered.

Serendipi-don’t is a mostly joyful (sometimes spiteful) love story to escape into this holiday season How is it connected to the holiday season? and a reminder that fate often takes inexplicable turns along the route to happiness.

I am a chemical engineer by day and an aspiring writer of happily-ever-afters by night. When I'm not working or writing, you'll find me in a dance class or walking my goldendoodle, Pippin. This would be my debut novel, but I am currently working on my third contemporary romance and letting my second rest before edits. I am looking to form a long-term relationship with an agent. If you don't have any writing credits, I wouldn't bother mentioning other projects that are unpublished. Don't state it's your debut, that's assumed - as is that you probably have some trunked projects and want a long term relationship with an agent. If you have other elements of your life that are tied to themes in this book, get them in here. Bios are hard when you don't have publishing creds, you just have to show that you know what you're talking about in terms of your life experiences and this story.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

GERALD FRANCIS FINN (“Finn”) You only capitalize character names in a synopsis, not in a query is a trained fighter and enforcer who is he fighting? What is he enforcing? on the planet CARON, that was founded by the ultra-wealthy alien KERET as a haven from restrictive institutions. Finn has both seen and lived the bottom and the top of Caron society and is torn between the Caron cultural imperative of self-serving achievement, versus his intense sense of honesty and caring for others. Finn also has an impulse to action that does not always turn out as expected. What does that mean? This entire paragraph is just setting up his personality, and we have no indication of plot

When Finn’s friend LOUISE REYNOLDS is killed, his investigation uncovers deceptions and cross-purposes, and finally the apparent killer: Louise’ lover TRISTAN HELSING. Overcome by grief for his friend, Finn rushes to confront Helsing and kills him in a duel. This is reading much more like a synopsis than a query. A query needs to establish what the main character wants, what stands in their way of getting it, and what they will do in order to overcome the obstacles. This isn't doing that. It's walking through the plot points, which is the job of a synopsis, not a query

Finn thinks the mystery is solved, until Finn’s mentor WILL MACHADO accuses Finn of being the real murderer. Finn escapes and turns to his enemy, the Phair MAYHAN DEL CARRA. With Del Carra’s help Finn learns that Machado is plotting to take control of the robotic SENTRIES, the only advanced weapons on the planet. If Finn fails to stop Machado, one faction will gain total power, obliterating the few scraps of freedom that exist on Caron. How does all of this tie together? How does this plot interact with his character? What does he want? What's standing in his way? What does the murder have to with anything?

Finn’s story, STONE BY STONE, is a science fiction novel of 98,000 words. The title is inspired by Finn’s father, Charlie. A master mason, Charlie worked to build splendid buildings for the rulers of Caron. The story of Charlie’s life, and death, animates all the actions and feelings of his son. This isn't relevant information in a query. An agent doesn't really care what the title means or what the idea behind it is, and the fact that it's tied to the father of the main character means even less becuase they aren't part of the story. You need to use every bit of space you have to illustrate what Finn wants, what stands in his way, and what will he do to overcome that?

A book similar to STONE BY STONE is PROVENANCE by Ann Leckie, a 2018 Hugo nominee that explores intrigue and coming-of-age themes against the backdrop of a ruthless culture. Another would be PLANETFALL by Emma Newman, a 2020 Hugo nominee for best series, where a tale of mystery unfolds on a bootstrapping colony world. How is coming of age similar to what you have here? Is this culture ruthless? We don't have any indication of what's going here other than there's a guy who is nice but realizes that won't get him ahead, his friend dies, somebody betrays him, and now a bad person is trying to take over weapons of mass destruction. Right now the culture isn't present on the page, the murder doesn't feel like it ties to the larger plot, and there's no sense of what Finn will / is going to do in order to stop the bad guy, or what is at stake if he doesn't.

About me, I am a member of the SFWA, have workshopped my writing with Craig Shaw Gardner and Jeff Carver, and have self-published four books. Unless these have really good sales numbers, I wouldn't mention them I have worked as a scientist, co-authoring papers for peer-reviewed journals. For ten years I intensively studied, and taught, the martial art Aikido. Later I worked in tech for cloud startups and companies including IBM where I achieved the title of Distinguished Engineer.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Thirteen-year-old Billy and his younger sister Megan were raised by their AI mother Darla two hundred feet underground in a two-room den. They’ve never seen the light of day and hardly know anything about their biological parents or the outside world, but Darla provides them food, education, and entertainment every day. That is, until the power suddenly cuts out, forcing Billy and Megan to evacuate the den armed with laser guns, protective clothing, a compass, and instructions to hike to the north end of the island, turn the power station back on, and call for help. Great start. Good hook, good first para

They emerge from the den in a fancy house and head north along a road congested with heavy, black mist and bordered with frail, withering forest. After barely evading death by a couple steel, black machines firing lasers, they meet up with more kids who recently evacuated underground dens. One of them discovered a diary in a nearby apartment building explaining all their parents were employees of a top-secret government corporation that opened a portal to another dimension eight years ago. So they would have been five when that happened, so they would know their parents, would have been outside, and would know about the outside world The black mist—which has diminished over time—and slew of lethal robots are emergency mechanisms designed to destroy all life on the island should anything potentially dangerous enter Earth’s dimension. But it would also kill the humans, right? Which... is the problem the kids are dealing with right now, so this isn't a great plan on their part The dens were installed to save the kids from such a potential fate. This is all reading like a synopsis, which isn't what you want. A query needs to establish what do the MC's want, what stands in the way of their getting it, and how will they overcome those obstacles? That's not what this is doing; this is walking through the plot step by step. First paragraph is great, second one needs to be more broad and less detailed. We know what they want (turn on electric) we know what stands in their way (laser robots), but we need to know how they're going to overcome the obstacles (not just they have laser guns, too) Now Billy, Megan, and the rest of the kids must find a way to get all the way to the power station, turn it back on, and call for help but who are they calling? If they have no experience of the outside world, how would they know to call out for help, or that anyone is there to answer them?—without getting liquidized, or worse. There's got to be another goal other than get the power on. Are they going to learn more about their parents, or the Earth in general? We need more emotion - what are Billy and Megan like? I have no idea of their character traits, just their names. Is there tension between the other kids? How do they feel when wandering out into the world? Are they shocked at the appearance of other humans? More emotion in general is needed, less plot detail

The Corporation is a 38,000-word middle-grade science fiction that will appeal to fans of Heidi Lang’s and Kati Bartkowski’s Whispering Pines series, William Golding’s Lord of the Flies, and the TV show Stranger Things. My debut young adult dystopian novel, The Fourth Generation, was released by Clean Reads/Astraea Press in August 2015. Clean Reads published my middle-grade science fiction novel called Picket Town in April 2018. I have a degree in Creative Writing from Fairleigh Dickinson University and won the individual award for Outstanding Achievement in Creative Writing. I also obtained an MFA in Writing Popular Fiction from Seton Hill University. I interned at Kensington Publishing Corp. in New York City in the Publicity and Marketing departments. Great bio! Just get the emotions into the query, and clean up some of the questions I have. The premise sounds good, it just needs to be drawn together with emotion, and a little less detail