Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
TAKE THE POWER BACK (93,000 words, speculative) is an adult speculative heist novel pitting a Lupin style thief against tech billionaires. I am a traditionally-published speculative fiction author with a Master’s degree in English literature. I am querying you because this novel resonates with [YOUR MSWL]
Really strong going in. The Lupin reference might be lost on those who aren't knowledgeable about the genre.
Shelby is a security professional struggling with catastrophizing OCD. It is a gift in her line of work – helping her hyper-focus on flaws in security systems – but a torment to her mental health. Great setup! When catastrophe hits close to home and her brother begins suffering an illness that conventional medicine can’t cure, Shelby falls down the rabbit hole and becomes convinced the only treatment for her brother is a drug invented by a genius billionaire named Leader Zenden – the creator of a hyper-capitalist island utopia. So far, really good. If you can find a way to indicate in some way what her brother's illness consists of, that would be good. Because OCD and metnal illness have been mentioned already, my brain goes that direction. If that's not the case, I'd find a way to clarify.
Shelby spends all her money to journey to Zenden’s island to buy the drug – only to learn it is a scam. She swears to take revenge, and what better way to do so than by stealing Zenden’s greatest invention yet and prove to the world that it’s a fake. What's the invention? How would she steal it? How would she prove it's a fake? Her revenge plot soon throws her into the middle of a power struggle for Zenden’s island. Shelby encounters a tantalizing thief, an old flame with ulterior motives, and Zenden’s most ardent zealot, while fighting the pull of Zenden’s cult upon her psyche. As her heist barrels toward its own catastrophe, Shelby must decide who she trusts – and maybe even learn whether her brother is truly beyond saving. There's a power struggle for the island? In what way? Are these people all there, physically present and this is going own like guerrilla warfare? Why would all these people end up there at the same time? What is this cult, and why is she being pulled toward them? Another mention of her brother and the question of if he can be saved means that we definitely need to know more about his illness.
TAKE THE POWER BACK is a recipe for activism about how an everywoman can beat the 1%. It asks big questions about who we really can rely on in times of catastrophe, saving the biggest for its audacious finale. I'm not sure this is coming across in the query The novel blends the timely satire of Alderman’s The Future with the mysterious, utopia-hiding-dystopia of The Last Murder at the End of the World by Stuart Turton (May 2024, Sourcebooks Landmark).
This is my second novel picking apart corporate power and oppressive tech through a speculative lens; my first [NOVEL] I have spoken as an author panelist at [LITERARY CONFERENCES] and have forthcoming pieces in [LITERARY MAGAZINES].
Really great bio and intro. The first para of the query is good, the second wanders into generic pretty quickly. I don't really understand a few things - what is this invention? Is it related to her brother's illness, is it the drug itself? Is everyone there after the same thing, or are they all after something that's privately important to them? What does who she trust have to do with anything? She already doesn't trust Zenden, so what's the decision involving trust? If it's connected to the supporting characters, their roles need to be fleshed out more.