The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m writing to seek your representation for my first novel, Twin Shadows of Fate, a thriller of 85,000 words. This will be the first book in a series of three. You definitely don't want to try to pitch a trilogy as a debut author. If it's possible to make this a stand alone with series potential, go with that. Also, if there's a way to expand on the genre that would be great. What kind of thriller? Political? Psychological? Domestic?

My novel deals with identical twin girls who know nothing about each other. When they finally meet it's at a scene of devastation. One of them has to survive and save the world her way. This is pretty vague, a "scene of devastation" doesn't mean anything to the agent. It could be the Titanic sinking, it could be WW2, it could be a crash crash on the interstate.

Louise is a killer and she’s out for blood.

Brandy is a nurse and she wants to save the world.

Louise has just murdered her parents and is grieving the death of her partner.Why would she kill her parents, whow did her partner die? They were successful international assassins. On their final mission together, they discovered details of a plot funded by ex-Nazis to take over the world. Louise and Brandy had been experimented on as part of that plot. In what way? For what purpose?

Brandy is trying to recover from a horrendous childhood. She’d been brought up by a seemingly mad doctor who’d tried to whip her into submission. But who is she, what does she want, and what does it have to do with the plot?

Louise has to bring the plot to the attention of the world. She knows most of the press and media is ultimately owned by the ex-Nazis so she decides to do it by taking the daughters of some of the wealthiest men in the world as hostages. Being Louise, this also involves mass killings. Why? An assassin is more of a fine instrument, mass killings are a blunt weapon.

Brandy, a medic, goes along What does "goes along" mean? Is she hanging out with Louise now? The beginning says they have no idea that the other exists to help the wounded. The two are guided to each other by a mutual bond which pulls them together, for a final fight to the death to save the world. What kind of mutual bond? Is it paranormal? Again, very vague wording. A final fight to the death with who? And why is the whole world in danger? What about those hostages?

"Twin Shadows of Fate" is a thrilling tale of redemption, resilience, and the indomitable power of kinship. In a world where darkness threatens to engulf all, Louise and Brandy must harness their unique strengths to unveil the truth, expose the villains, and ultimately determine the fate of humanity. While committing mass killings? As they navigate a treacherous path of self-discovery, their journey serves as a reminder that even in the darkest of times, the bond between twins can illuminate the path to salvation.

I’m a sixty-something retiree with a wife, two young children and stories to write.

I studied English Language and English Literature at college and I completed the Open University Start Writing Fiction Course. The only writing competition I have entered was with the Literary Consul in which I received an Honorary Mention.

A query needs to do the following things: establish what the main character wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they need to do to overcome those obstacles, and what the stakes are if they fail. The MC's seem to want to get revenge more than justice, I don't know who the "bad guys" are, what the kidnapping plot has to do with the overall goal, or how that plays out, and how the entire world is in danger if they fail, and what these experiments have to do with anything tied to the Nazi plot. Also, ex-Nazi's make it seem like this isn't set in a contemporary timeline, so that needs to be addressed as well. Right now this is reading as rather chaotic. All of these elements need to be drawn together and the connections clarified.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my CATEGORICALLY FALSE, an upmarket novel with elements of suspense. (105K) Right now you don't really have a genre listed. It's just a "novel" with elements of suspense, which isn't really a genre. And I'm sure it's not a surprise, but that word count isn't doing you any favors. SF/F gets more wiggle room for word count but 105k for suspense is a bit long in the tooth for a debut.

After years of striving, Alexandra and her husband Noah have arrived. She’s semi-famous after publishing a major exposé on sexual misconduct in New York literary circles. He’s super-famous, a Columbia professor whose bestselling book on populist authoritarianism has established him as a celebrated public intellectual. Noah tutors economically disadvantaged kids and donates to the Against Malaria foundation. Alexandra’s friends, with loving mockery, call him Saint Noah. She likes to joke that she won the cis straight male Powerball. Great so far!

When Samantha—a beautiful and brainy Columbia student who can talk Rawls and The Bachelor with equal authority— approaches Alexandra after a journalistic symposium on sexual assault, she happily agrees to chat. The "she" here is a little ambiguous as to which female it's referring to. But the conversation turns dark when Samantha says that, following an initially consensual relationship, she was assaulted by a professor. Alexandra urges her to come forward. Samanatha says she wants to but isn't sure she can.

Who would believe her over the great Noah Ashford?

A shocked Alexandra accuses Samantha of lying and knowing she’s married to Noah. This is getting a little murky, since it's an assumed that S knew A was married to N, since they're a semi-famous couple Samantha insists she only contacted Alexandra because of her reporting background and has no motive to lie. Samantha ultimately goes public and Noah insists her allegations are categorically false. But he’s soon suspended from multiple platforms and Columbia announces an investigation, throwing his tenure in doubt. Noah’s denials are as vehement as Samantha’s accusations and no one, least of all Alexandra, knows who to believe until a seemingly irrefutable piece of evidence emerges, settling the question for good. If only the truth were that simple.

I'd rework this paragraph a bit, the beginning is assumed. I want to see more of the emotional reaction of A to the accusation, not the "she doesn't know who to believe" angle. I also don't think you should tease what the "irrefutable piece of evidence" is, or whose favor it works in.

Told from Alexandra, Samantha, and Noah’s POVs, CATEGORICALLY FALSE is like Yomi Adegoke’s The List if it had been written by Gillian Flynn. It would appeal to fans of unreliable narrators and to those who enjoyed the examination of sex, marriage, and media on Showtime’s The Affair. Great comps

I am a recovering academic and currently work in election forecasting.

Overall I think you're in good shape! That second para needs a little more emotion and detail, and I think you need to consider your genre. Domestic suspense could be a good fit.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Actress Lena Callaway once held Hollywood in her hands like a glass of fizzing champagne – until the day she disappeared, and dragged her daughter, Bryn, with her. This is a good hook! I would suggest some indication of Bryn's age at this time - child? teen?

Now, four years later, Bryn resides in her childhood town – Belle Falls – caring for a reclusive, unstable Lena and desperately trying to avoid notice. Why? Is her mother's sudden vacating of Hollywood a big story? When you say disappeared do you mean like people literally don't know where she is, or is more like a ghosted situation? But when she begins to glimpse eerie woodland spirits through the trees – the first sign of the legendary curse upon the Callaway women – and Lena’s former best friend, famous director Ada James, comes knocking, Bryn is forced into a situation she’s dreaded since her mother’s first movie released: the spotlight. What does Ada want? What is the situation that is going to force her into the spotlight?

Upon threat of revealing Lena and Bryn’s location to the press – and the reason why Lena fled Hollywood – Bryn agrees to Ada’s proposal: return to New York, promote Ada’s new film, and play along to the attention with a smile on her face. Only, the film is about Lena herself, and Bryn is forced to work with Eamon, Ada’s begrudging son who is slipping under her skin in a concerning manner. So... there's a movie being made, and Ada is in it even though she's not stable? Is Ada the one doing the publicity, or Brynn?

But Bryn has a plan. Ada might have a chain around her neck, and fans may be clamouring for her and Lena’s secrets, but Bryn is determined to tell their story from her own lips, defy Ada James and her manipulative film at every turn, and protect her mother from slipping further into insanity.

That is, if the curse doesn’t claim her first. What does the curse have to do with anything? There's only one mention of it, and then it's your closer. Is it the reason she left Hollywood? The reason her sanity is a problem? Clarification is needed as to how the Hollywood angle and the paranormal angle work together.

The Unmaking of June Farrow by Adrienne Young meets The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid in A SMALL AFFAIR, a standalone YA magical realism novel with crossover potential. Perfect for fans of Ann Liang and Kelly Andrew, A SMALL AFFAIR is complete at 84,000 words.

I read this whole thing as if it was an adult narrative, becuase Brynn's age isn't clarified in the beginning. Your query is pretty strong, you just need to tie the paranormal element to the real world element more clearly, and establish early on that this is YA.