The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Like all of Notowi’s pilot cadets, seventeen-year-old Mokwin Gallworm is looking forward to a simple but exciting life flying on the backs of the island nation’s huge birds. Okay cool, but doing what? Is this like a special aerial soldier status, or are they releaseing weather balloons? Mokwin’s expectations, however, are shattered when he receives the startling news that he's been named as the next Wingmaster Chief and ruler of the Notowi — a role he didn't know he was under consideration for. Why would this shatter his expectations? Does this mean he can't be a pilot now? The reader doesn't know what the worldbuilding is here, so we don't see the problem. The way it reads, it sounds like he'll be in charge of the whole venture, which surely would be attractive to him.

As he tries to determine how and why he even became a candidate, doubt creeps into Mokwin's mind over whether he can step up. Does he even want to? But he’ll have to rise to the occasion and fast when hostile Bargasia declares war, sending its Grand Armada in an invasion force to overrun his homeland. Why does he have to make this decision fast? Is there currently no leader? Did someone die? Mokwin and the other young pilots move out to the front lines in a desperate attempt to halt the inexorable Bargasian advance.

Mokwin is determined to do the best he can with his situation and ensure the survival of his people, but he can’t protect everyone. As casualties mount and he’s forced to watch as friends and comrades die around him, the reality of war weighs heavily on his mind and he struggles with feelings of inadequacy and incompetency. As if all of this weren’t enough, exposed enemy secrets and increasingly bizarre behavior by the Bargasian royalty reveal that dark powers may be at work behind the scenes of the war and his unexpected election — unnatural, unholy powers thought to be the stuff of ancient myth. This sounds like the actual plot, all the way down here.

With enemy forces closing in on his homeland, Mokwin is thrust into a race against time to discover the truth behind the war and his unwanted position of responsibility before all he has ever known collapses before his eyes. Right now this is pretty vague and cliched. There's a young male character tasked with stepping into power at a young age, who then sees bad things at war and struggles with his ability to lead his people. That's not a new story. Enemy secrets and bizarre behavior by Bargasian royalty sounds like the point where your plot actually diverges into something possibly original, but you already used up all your space outlining a trope.

A standalone novel, WINGMASTER is a glimpse into the trials of transitioning from adolescence to the reality of adulthood, combining the mystery of MURTAGH with the action and character struggles found in THE WAY OF THE DROW.

I live in South Dakota, where I am pursuing a Master’s in Paleontology at the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology. My nonfiction work on issued SP - "Issues" affecting young adults has been recognized and awarded by the DSU Heritage Foundation in North Dakota, while my short story The Temptation of Christ was praised by Mysterion Online as “well written and containing good theological insight.” WINGMASTER is my debut novel.

This is a good bio. You're illustrating that you have an understanding of human cultures, that you're connected with the YA audience, and that you have writing creds. That's solid. What you need to do is work on getting your query focused on the elements of the story that differentiate it, not explaining the ones that follow a known path.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Seventeen-year-old Cal Anderson has a secret: he can rewind time five seconds. It’s a neat trick for dodging punches or cheating on tests, but when he discovers his ability comes from the Roman gods—and that his destiny is written in an ancient book of prophecies—his life veers off course. This is a great hook! Cal isn’t just an ordinary teenager; he’s the reincarnated grandson of Julius Caesar, descended from Venus herself. And the accident that killed his mother? Maybe it wasn’t his fault after all. I think a little more here. Is this something that he's always blamed himself for? What happened? Just a line would help.

When Cal finds a new prophecy hinting at his mother’s resurrection, he’s willing to risk everything to bring her back—even if it means rewriting history. But the gods who took her from him have laid a trap: to complete the prophecy, Cal must travel to 408 AD, How, if he can only go back five seconds? a time when barbarian Goths stand on the brink of burning Rome to the ground. If he fails, Fails at what? the city will fall. How is it a trap? What do the gods gain? If he succeeds, the consequences could be even worse. What does this mean? Along the way, he falls for Amalia, a half-Goth girl fated to die in his prophecy.What's the timeline here? Is he existing in both the present and the past? With the gods pulling the strings, Cal faces an impossible choice: save his mother, protect the city, or follow his heart—even if it means dooming them all. Why would following his heart mean dooming them all?

THE AMULETS OF CAESAR is a 92,000-word YA historical fantasy that blends the fatalistic themes of Threads That Bind by Kika Hatzopoulou with the mythological stakes of Lore by Alexandra Bracken and the cunning heists of Among Thieves by M.J. Kuhn. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

I’m querying you because [personalized reason for querying the agent]. My passion for history has fueled a lifelong obsession with ancient civilizations, leading to trips to Rome and Istanbul and an alarming ability to turn any conversation into a history lesson.

Overall, this is in pretty good shape, but you need to draw the plot a little more clearly. Why does he have to save one or the other? Why would the gods lay this trap in the first place, are they just being cruel and this is entertainment for them? Draw more clearly the through lines between the fate of the city and the fate of the women in his life, and what outcomes result from each. Also, I don't really know what he's supposed to be doing... leading an army? Fighting? It just says "if he fails," so we need more detail there.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Imagine yourself walking out of your apartment building on your way to pick up your morning coffee. You notice a rather out-of-place man looking through some garbage on the street. As you walk by him, a van parked along the street’s doors blast open, the garbage man flips off his dirty, tattered clothes displaying a blue windbreaker with the word “POLICE” emblazoned across the back. Detectives pour out of the van and city police cars with lights flashing block the streets ahead and behind you. Commands of “get on the ground” and “show me your hands” shatter the still, crisp morning air. This isn't a great way to start a query. You're basically sharing a scene, and asking the agent to consider themselves as your main character. It's not that much different from starting with a rhetorical question, and the scene itself is a pretty standard takedown scene, there's nothing new or original about it. I also thought the man on the street with the garabage was the one being arrested, so overall not a good way to introduce your book. Start with the hook.

Richard “Rick” Wayne is a successful businessman and third generation owner of his family’s manufacturing business who found himself in this exact situation. “Innocence Framed” follows Rick on his journey across the country running from the law searching for who framed him and why. Framed him for what? Murder? Money laundering? I don't know what he supposedly did or did not do. During his journey, he exhausts those he would naturally suspect of framing him and enlists the help from unlikely sources as well as some friendly sources. He uncovers a serial killer who had been weaving her craft of destruction and vengeance who was completely unnoticed by law enforcement. This is all very vague. I don't know what he's been framed for, or what if any connection there is to his business, or this serial killer.

Innocence Framed is an 85,000-word novel set in modern times and looks at the possibility of innocent people being charged and convicted with their own shed DNA. How does DNA come into it? There's no indication in the description. It will appeal to readers who enjoy the suspense of Harlan Coben's thrillers, or the relentless pursuit of "The Fugitive," and the chilling psychology of serial killer novels like "The Silence of the Lambs." I appreciate your time for reading my email and first five pages of my novel. I look forward to talking to you soon and can send you the entire manuscript when requested. You're using up a lot of space and word count here for comp titles, while giving almost no information about your book itself. A query needs to establish what the main character wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they will do to overcome those obstacles, and what is at risk if they fail. Right now this isn't doing that.

I am REDACTED. My life has taken a wandering path after graduating from high school in 1985. I worked for nearly 30 years as a machinist before finishing my undergrad degree in legal studies and attending law school. I graduated from law school at 49 and currently practice law in Colorado. Good bio in that it's clear you have some knowledge of law, but what kind of law? Is it related at all to anything in the book?

I am seeking representation for Innocence Framed. I currently am editing the initial draft. I do have an idea for a follow up novel with Rick. Thank you for taking the time to review my submission. Don't bother with this info, it's just taking up space. You're querying, so they assume you're seeking representation. Definitely don't say that you are still editing it; they want you to have a final, polished version in hand if you've proceeded to the point of querying. Same with mentioning a sequel. Right now your job is to interest them in reading the first one, and this query isn't doing that.