Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Imagine yourself walking out of your apartment building on your way to pick up your morning coffee. You notice a rather out-of-place man looking through some garbage on the street. As you walk by him, a van parked along the street’s doors blast open, the garbage man flips off his dirty, tattered clothes displaying a blue windbreaker with the word “POLICE” emblazoned across the back. Detectives pour out of the van and city police cars with lights flashing block the streets ahead and behind you. Commands of “get on the ground” and “show me your hands” shatter the still, crisp morning air. This isn't a great way to start a query. You're basically sharing a scene, and asking the agent to consider themselves as your main character. It's not that much different from starting with a rhetorical question, and the scene itself is a pretty standard takedown scene, there's nothing new or original about it. I also thought the man on the street with the garabage was the one being arrested, so overall not a good way to introduce your book. Start with the hook.
Richard “Rick” Wayne is a successful businessman and third generation owner of his family’s manufacturing business who found himself in this exact situation. “Innocence Framed” follows Rick on his journey across the country running from the law searching for who framed him and why. Framed him for what? Murder? Money laundering? I don't know what he supposedly did or did not do. During his journey, he exhausts those he would naturally suspect of framing him and enlists the help from unlikely sources as well as some friendly sources. He uncovers a serial killer who had been weaving her craft of destruction and vengeance who was completely unnoticed by law enforcement. This is all very vague. I don't know what he's been framed for, or what if any connection there is to his business, or this serial killer.
Innocence Framed is an 85,000-word novel set in modern times and looks at the possibility of innocent people being charged and convicted with their own shed DNA. How does DNA come into it? There's no indication in the description. It will appeal to readers who enjoy the suspense of Harlan Coben's thrillers, or the relentless pursuit of "The Fugitive," and the chilling psychology of serial killer novels like "The Silence of the Lambs." I appreciate your time for reading my email and first five pages of my novel. I look forward to talking to you soon and can send you the entire manuscript when requested. You're using up a lot of space and word count here for comp titles, while giving almost no information about your book itself. A query needs to establish what the main character wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they will do to overcome those obstacles, and what is at risk if they fail. Right now this isn't doing that.
I am REDACTED. My life has taken a wandering path after graduating from high school in 1985. I worked for nearly 30 years as a machinist before finishing my undergrad degree in legal studies and attending law school. I graduated from law school at 49 and currently practice law in Colorado. Good bio in that it's clear you have some knowledge of law, but what kind of law? Is it related at all to anything in the book?
I am seeking representation for Innocence Framed. I currently am editing the initial draft. I do have an idea for a follow up novel with Rick. Thank you for taking the time to review my submission. Don't bother with this info, it's just taking up space. You're querying, so they assume you're seeking representation. Definitely don't say that you are still editing it; they want you to have a final, polished version in hand if you've proceeded to the point of querying. Same with mentioning a sequel. Right now your job is to interest them in reading the first one, and this query isn't doing that.