Landall Proctor On the Vulnerability of Writing Memoir

Mindy: Welcome to Writer Writer Pants on Fire, where authors talk about things that never happened to people who don't exist. We also cover craft, the agent hunt, query trenches, publishing, industry, marketing and more. I'm your host, Mindy McGinnis. You can check out my books and social media at mindymcginnis dot com and make sure to visit the Writer Writer Pants on Fire blog for additional interviews, query critiques and more as well as full transcriptions of each podcast episode. at WriterWriterPants on Fire.com. And don’t forget to check out the Writer, Writer, Pants on Fire Facebook page. Give me feedback, suggest topics you’d like to hear discussed, and let me know if there is someone you’d love to see a a guest.

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Mindy: So we're here with Landall Proctor, whose memoir Headwinds is about an attempt to bike around the perimeter of the United States riding 10,000 miles in 100 days. So first of all, just tell me about that decision. What made you decide? Hey, this is what I'm doing now? 

Landall: I talk about it a little bit in the foreword of the book. I think the absolute objective like answer to that question is, I was in my early twenties and I was working a job that I was really unhappy, and my boss also happened to be a friend of mine. And so it made conversations about being like, unhappy with that job really, really sort of challenging. And I didn't have the emotional maturity to have those difficult conversations. And so I was looking for an out, but in a way that didn't result in some sort of like drag out blowout conversation where we like, left mad at each other. 

A friend of mine mentioned that in college he rode his bike- he went to college in Chicago and his family had a house on the coast of Maine, and he convinced his girlfriend at the time that they should ride there instead of driving or flying. So they did, and the story was just filled with mishaps and hilarity and and all sorts of things, and ended with his girlfriend literally got to their family's house and said, “This relationship’s over. Take me to the airport.” 

It was just such a great story that it sort of planted a seed in my head that I felt like, you know, I would like to ride my bike across the country, and it's sort of connected the dots with, like, Oh, well, my boss won't get mad at me if I'm quitting because I want to go on this epic adventure. It was not something that I have had sort of in the back of my mind for years, and planned and planned and planned and was prepared for. As readers would find out, I was very ill prepared for the trip from a logistic standpoint, pretty much from the start the stars aligned in a way that just made me think like sure, why not? I could do that.

Mindy: The early twenties is the time to do something like that. It's when you feel invincible and also like you're an adult now. I remember my early twenties. I got married in my early twenties.

Landall: I graduated from college with a religious studies degree with no interest in doing anything related to religion. And in 2006, we weren't like at the height of the job crash, I guess, we sort of, like, historically look on it now. But it wasn't exactly like a plentiful job market to roll into with sort of a non applicable degree to, like, you know, sustaining like employment. So I moved back in with my parents. I was living at home at the time. All the ways, like embarrassing. But what it did do is it gave me the opportunity to be able to do this trip because I had no obligations. I didn't have, like, rent that I had to pay when I was gone or a lease to get out of. I wasn't in a long term relationship. So the timing in that aspect also worked out well.

Mindy: As someone that also has a degree in religious studies, I can back you up on that really hard. I graduated from college with a degree in English literature and a degree in religious studies. No desire to teach. Didn’t have the qualifications to teach either. I didn't major in education, so I didn't want to teach. I didn't want to go into the ministry in any way. And I was like, Well, I mean, I feel very educated, but I'm not employable. So I got married, like that was my answer. You moved in with your parents. I got married. I think it’s Interesting, the freedom aspect being a huge contributor to your decision. I really like that. So how much time had passed then, in between you making this trip and then making the decision to write it down?

Landall: Right before I left for the trip a friend of mine who was like a critical component to letting me even be able to, like get myself together and the capacity of acquiring equipment and plans and things like that right before I left, handed me a moleskin journal. He's like your book will come from here, you know, And at that time it wasn't a thing that I'd even considered, but I did. I journaled every night just would write down the things that happened. Whatever funny interactions, stories, whatever, like, came to mind at the end of each day. And when I got back from the trip, I opened up that journal and I read through it and I sat down and I would start writing and would almost immediately stop. For all the reasons someone starts and stops writing a book, you know, I would overthink like what kind of book it was supposed to be. 

I remember very distinctly at the time when I was planning for the trip, I was just desperate because I didn't have a big, like I said, a lot of experience in terms of doing these types of things. So I was desperate to just read other people's experiences and what they encountered or what they did. And from a bike packing--which the term didn't even exist in 2006-- but from a bike packing experience like, no one had written about that. There just wasn't anything out there. And so I ended up reading like Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods. They weren't helpful from a like, Here's how you do this and don't die perspective. And so when I got back, I was like, Well, maybe that's what I should write about 

And then I was like, Well, but like, I didn't even -- spoiler -- didn't even finish my set out loop of the country. Who's going to take my advice on, like how to do this thing, you know? And so I just could never get settled on what the book was supposed to be. And I would also get caught up in self doubt. And like all who wants to read anything I'm going to write? And those types of things. And so just the project always just got pushed aside fast forward then, like many, many years. So in the fall of 2019, me and my ex wife, who we were living in Detroit at the time, decided we didn't really want to live in Detroit anymore. We neither one of us wanted a custody battle with our kid. We sat down and figured out a place that we could move together and we settled on Berkeley, California. 

I'm a software developer. I was kind of burned out from it. And so I took the opportunity during that move to just not look for another job. You know, I had some savings. I was going to be able to sustain myself. And I thought, you know, now is the time. You know, now is the time to, like, write that book, and I still didn't quite know what kind of book it was gonna be. But I guess I just was like, age and maturity. I decided that I wasn't gonna let that be the thing that got in the way. This time I was just going to start writing the stories, see what it ended up being, And I hope that it would inform itself through the process. So it was 14 years between coming back from the trip and before I actually sat down and, you know, hammering out pages.

Mindy: I've never written a memoir, but I really do think that that would be a great approach because you have distance from those experiences and those stories, and you're actually coming to those journals, into your own writing in that period of your own life with a different perspective than you had in that moment. Because you have 14 more years of experience. What was your experience then coming back to these stories 14 years later? Were there things that you had forgotten? Were there things that surprised you? Were there things that you were like? Man, I wish I would have done that differently. 

Landall: I mean, without the journal, there's no way I would have been able to write even remotely half these stories. There are things like reading the journal, I was surprised at how vividly details of conversations would like come back to me, where without that journal, I had completely forgotten the person I've had that conversation with, like, existed on the planet. It was really amazing how our brain works in that capacity, right? I think you're exactly right. The space between and allowing for my own worldview to develop further and create a little bit more of a nuanced realization of how different people see The world, I think, allowed me to like write some of the interactions and stories from the book in a way that if I had done it in 2006, I would have still been, like, amped up on the rage of them putting me in an awkward position to talk about. 

I got proselytized quite a bit by people that I would stay with and at the time. And I didn't want that. You know, I didn't ask for them to be like, concerned about my soul. You know, I would be like, really angry that this was happening to me. If I had written that in 2006, I would have been like these assholes blah, blah, you know? But I just think like the way that I wrote it now with some space and like, they view things differently than me. I didn't appreciate what they were doing, and I still didn't like it. They were doing what they thought was the thing. And so I tried in those cases to leave some space for whoever's reading it to determine their own sort of, like take on those situations, right? Maybe they side with the people who wanted to save my soul for Jesus. Or maybe they side with me. The kid who just, like, wanted to drink some coffee and get back on the road. 2006 version of me would have been like, You must side with me on this. 

Mindy: Your twenties are kind of polarizing. You're always right. I truly wish I would have kept a journal when I was younger. Not necessarily in my twenties, perhaps in my teens. Not that I did anything amazing than either, but what's astonishing to me - You're right. The brain is not quite the functioning machine that we believe it is. And I have done so much reading. I read a lot of nonfiction, and I've done some reading about how we don't Medical science doesn't necessarily understand how our brains even really work and memory, especially. It's something I've read a lot about. It's a malleable thing. It's just like ballast, like they'll just drop stuff we don't need and aren't using.

And I'll have conversations with people from high school or people from college that will be like, Yeah, then this happened, and this happened and you did this and it was so cool this thing that you did or so funny and I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Like I don't remember being there. Was I drunk? What? Are you, Are you sure that was me? I have no recollection of this. And they're like, No, dude, like that was the thing. You were there, man. That sounds interesting. I don't remember.

And funnily enough, I even have experiences Where my dad, if I'll talk about something that he has that reaction to where he's like, Yeah, I don't remember that at all. And he'll be like, You dreamt that. That's just his dismissive answer. He's like no, you dreamt it. I don't know what you're talking about. And so sometimes I'll even have moments where I'm like Wait a minute. Am I making this up? Did I dream that? Did that really happen, or has my author's brain created this narrative around this thing that is not reality. Like that is not what happened. 

So many people I know journal and I admire them for that. I personally... my therapist has been like many times - you should journal. I've never written a word just because so much of my life is words. Freelance editing. I write, you know, the podcast on the blog, and it's like words are work for me. So I think your story is definitely a notch in The belt for people that journal.

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Mindy: I want to talk a little bit about something. You had written a guest post on my blog for me and one of the things that you talked about specifically was one of the first roadblocks. And for me, I think, and for many other people who were to consider writing a memoir is you know, who the hell cares? What is the audience for this? Exposing yourself, first of all to assuming that anybody is going to care about your story. But then also, the question of how vulnerable am I going to make myself? And  how honest, am I going to be? How revealing am I going to be? And you already said you didn't actually achieve your goal. And yet you still are writing this book and sharing these stories. So talk to me a little bit about that just in this role of, What the hell is even the point here and anyway, number one. And number two - how much of my true self and true experience am I going to share?

Landall: So I think there's actually sort of, like, two answers to that question. The first is I didn't finish the loop piece because I struggled with that quite a bit, like even after the trip. And obviously I talk about it, um, in the book itself. But the trip, as it was set out, was a totally arbitrary goal. The way that I came to trying to do an entire loop was really like a random node on my thought path, where I had read an article years previous, about a motorcycle trip where, the Honda Gold Wing. Those big like touring motorcycles, when the new version was coming out, they had set up these four different guys To each ride up, essentially to the four corners of the U. S. The one guy would ride from, like Key West to some point in Maine, and then he would hand it off to another guy. And then that guy rode it from Maine to Seattle. And then he handed it off to another guy and that guy, and so they connected the four corners of the US that way.

And so as I was thinking about the trip and most people just ride across the country again, like early twenties bravado, I was like, I guess I could ride across the country. But instead I could also - and my head thought back to this article - and I thought I could connect all four corners and not realize how absurd that would be. But also how arbitrary that was as well. It was absolutely my goal to complete that loop, but it was also completely invented by me. Still, I did not accomplish what I set out to do. That really grated on me for just years. 

And then Cheryl Strayed - and I'm not comparing myself to her in any capacity is a writer - But Wild came out. And then here was a story of someone who had gone on this established hiking route, the PCT, and she didn't finish it, But yet she wrote a book about it and clearly like the parallels between our stories ends there, you know, like we don't have a lot of other things in common. You know, she didn't finish the entire Pacific Crest Trail. And then so in the back of my head, I was like Huh? I haven't heard a single person say like, Oh, this is a good story. But what about the Washington portion of the trip that she didn't do? 

Realizing that did not make me immediately, like run to my computer and start writing. It was still years before I sat down and wrote Headwinds, but it did at least plant a seed that like Oh, like, maybe my own internal hang up on not finishing isn't as big of a deal to other people as it has been to me. And maybe there's something in that to be like, poked and prodded. 

And so what made me think that people would want to read it? I don't know if they do want to read it. There's a lot of people that were integral parts of this trip that I always wanted to tell them all of the stories but never had time. Invite them over for dinner and say here, Please sit while I hold court for, you know, 10 hours and tell you every story of my bike trip, right? And so there were just lots of stories. There's lots of funny stories that make the highlight reel as I'm sitting around with friends in bars. I accidentally spent the night at a nudist colony, and by accident part, I mean my mom set me up to do that, and did not inform me ahead of time until large, naked people on golf carts were driving past me as I made my way to the to the office to check in. 

Those stories make the rotation right, like somebody says tell me about your trip. Everybody thinks the nudist colony stories are funny. So I'll tell that one. But there's lots of other stories that never got told. I wanted to tell the people who, like, really helped with the trip. Just yesterday, in fact, I got a text message from one of those people. She was like, Look, I don't read any book slowly, but I'm reading yours so slow because while I thought we talked about it a lot and I knew a lot of these stories, she's like, I'm discovering new things that, like I had no idea about, and I'm just really enjoying the rest of the stories. The ones she was unaware of. 

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And so I think like when I sat down to write it, I didn't know who would be interested, but I sort of viewed it as a very long thank you note to the people that helped the trip come to fruition. Way back in 2006. I didn't and I don't have grand aspirations for this book to change the way that I support myself or my family. So I think taking that pressure off of it allowed me to worry less about who would potentially want to read this thing and know that I had, like, an audience that I just wanted to tell these stories to as sort of a thank you. And then if I could get even more people to read it than that, then that's great. That's fantastic, that just icing on the cake. 

Mindy: I love what you're saying about arbitrary goals, especially because I have always been  an athlete. As an adult, I certainly haven't been competitive, but when we went into lockdown last winter, my gym closed, you know, and I'm like, Oh, crap, because I had always been active, but I usually went to the gym. It's a CrossFit gym. I went to the gym like twice a week. That was kind of it. So when everything shut down, I was like, Oh, man, you're going to have to do this on your own. You're going to make your own rules. 

So you know, I went and my gym was posting workouts online for you to do at home. So I went to town and I bought myself a kettle bell and a Wall ball and some free weights. I started running. I've never been a runner. I've never been good at running. I played softball and basketball. Running was punishment for doing your sport wrong. I live in the middle of nowhere. And in the lock down world, it was just like, Well, you have all the time and running is free. So go do it. 

So I started running and I was working out every night. For the very first time in my life, I ran a mile. The only reason I even managed it was because it was very, very foggy out. So I couldn't see the stop sign that represented the mile, so I had no idea, really, how much longer I had to go. I just kept going. And I was like, and then I got there and I'm like, I actually feel okay, so the lock down helped me get to a point where I could run a 5K. Pretty much like every morning I would wake up, run a 5K, and then work out in the evenings. And I am here at 41 probably the healthiest and the strongest that I've been in my life. 

All that being said last night, I go to the gym and we had a CrossFit workout. It was a good workout. I won't recite the whole workout, but it was a hundred reps of seven different movements, and the very last one was we had to do 100 Burpees at the end of the workout. It sucked. And it's like when I saw the board, I was like, Oh, shit. I didn't do it. I couldn't... I actually could not do it. So we did like, I think, you know, 100 wall balls, 100 sit ups, 100 push ups, 100 whatever's, squats. And then it was time to do 100 Burpees. And I think I did 50 and I quit and I have never quit a workout before, ever. And I went home last night just feeling like shit. I was like dude What the hell is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? You couldn't do 100 Burpees. I stopped and I thought about it. I was like, Okay, however, a year ago, you couldn't have done the first two reps. Like you couldn't have done the first two activities. So shut the hell up, Mindy. And so I do think we set these arbitrary goals for ourselves. Good for us for being humble people. But if I don't hit my goals, I'm just like you're a piece of shit, right? It's like I'm pissed at myself and I don't recognize everything that I did write up before I quit. 

Landall: You'll go back to your cross fit gym the next time, and everyone will be happy to see you, you know, and they'll be asking you how your day's been going, what have you been up to. And then, you know, no one's going to say like, Hey, what have you done to improve on those like 50 Burpees that you didn't do? 

That was my experience too. I got home, I got back to my folks place and I just was hiding in my bedroom. Hoping that, like I didn't even tell my friends that I was back, you know? I guess, someone saw me. My buddy Cary texted me and he's like, Hey, rumor has it you're back in town. Is that true? And I was, you know, like hesitantly.. I probably wrote like four different responses before finally sending off like, Yes I'm back. And he's like, Cool, let's go to dinner and you tell me some stories. Nobody cared. No one cared that I didn't complete this full loop. Like every person that I was nervous, that I had let down in some capacity, just wanted to, they just wanted to hear stories. They wanted to tell me how happy they were that I didn't die, you know, like apparently a lot of people thought I was going to die. 

So they were just all very, very happy. And another component of the trip was I raised money for the local Meals on Wheels program. I wrote a check for a little over $5000 to them for the trip, which, which felt really nice. And so I went in to call them. It was like, Hey, I'm back. I'd love to, like, give you guys the check and they're like, Oh, yeah, come on in for lunch one day and they had set up like a full, like the entire, all the volunteers and staff and everything were just like in this like room. And it was all people who I had never seen before because I'd only really been in contact with, like, a few folks from the organization. Who are all these people and why do they care? They wanted to hear stories. It was all very emotionally overwhelming. It's sort of reiterated that these are arbitrary goals. They're great to set. You should obviously work very hard to achieve things that you set out to do. But sometimes the failure part of that is more in our head than maybe our peers or friends care about.

Mindy: Absolutely. I have a lifting partner. We don't work out that often together because he's a dude. We usually pair off girls, girls, guys, guys. But if there's an uneven amount he and I will work together. He lifts more than I do. But we lift at about the same rate of speed. Like some people really fly through workouts. I think more about my form and like trying to do things right. But also, it's like I'll stop. I gotta stop. I gotta take a drink of water. I gotta wipe my forehead. I gotta blow my nose. You know, he and I work at about the same rate. It wasn't a partner workout last night. We weren't paired up, but he was already done. So he was giving me a hard time because that's just what we do. We just give each other shit. That's part of a gym. Like he was like counting my reps partially To, screw with me, but partially also like, encouraging me to keep going. And I looked at the clock and I've been working out for 45 minutes and I was like, I'm done and he's like, No, come on, He's like, you can do this. You only have 50 more left. I was like No, dude, I actually can't. I physically am not able to do 50 more Burpees. It’s not gonna happen. And you know, at first he did what a good training partner does, which is like, Yeah, you can! Come on, let's go And he's even like, I'll do them with you. Let's go! And I was like, No, I'm done. And he saw it in my face that I was done and he was like, Okay, he's like, That's cool. That's cool. I'll leave you alone. He's going to, I'm sure, give me shit about it tonight. He will also be glad that, like you said, be glad that I show up and then I come back. It was the first time I'd ever quit a workout. He's still my friend and is still impressed that I show up every day. So, you know, it's like Yeah, I couldn't do 100 burpees at that particular moment in my life. I thought I was gonna puke. I have yet to. I have pissed my pants, but I have not puked.

Landall: I’ve had that experience, but I have vomited during workouts before, but I think sometimes because I thought if I did it would make for a better story to tell my friends afterwards. I'm not sure that I’ve ever peed my pants though.

Mindy: I was pretty proud of pissing my pants, to be honest with you, because that’s like a rite of passage. So I told everybody. I was like - pissed my pants. It’s a lot easier for women to piss their pants than it is for men. I'll just say that. 

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Mindy: Last thing I want to talk to you about is the decision To actually move towards publishing. So you've written the book. You had the book. Now you're at the moment of deciding the method, the mode of publishing. So there's traditional publishing, attempting to get an agent and move through the traditional publishing world or self published or use an indie publisher. So what was your process there? 

Landall: I had a manuscript, right? So I sat down and I wrote the whole thing out and had, like, a first draft. I thought that my best bet, going back to the idea that, like, if this thing turned out to just be a very long thank you note to the people that helped, I was going to be totally content with that outcome. And so From that point, I was like, Okay, well, I want to keep working towards that goal so that I had something to give to people. 

So I hired an Editor. So then it became, instead of the writing process, it was going through and editing, and we went through it four times. We made a lot of decisions on what stories should stay and go. The first version, The Rough Draft, the first one that she started with 730 pages. The current published version in six by nine paperback is like 334 pages. So quite a bit of stories got cut for a variety of reasons.

To get to the crux of your question, I felt that my best chance if I was gonna have a publisher have any interest in this was to present them as close to a polished version as possible. And so we got to the point where we were happy with where we were at. I wrote up a couple proposals. I figured sending it to large publishing houses was not going to result in anything just cause I’m a complete, unknown entity, you know? So I thought maybe some small publishers that specialized in outdoor adventure or memoirs and things like that would be open to the idea of the project. Sent them off. And then it became like that waiting game, and it just... I had no confidence that I was going to get a positive response back from any of these publishers that they wanted it, but not from a like, I don't think this is good enough, but from a like you don't know who I am. I'm sure that you're wading through hundreds of these proposals at any given time. 

I just decided that I was tired of kind of  waiting to see it, like in print, since the last time I looked into self publishing like the whole world seems to have changed, right? You don't have to order 1000 copies of your own book and store them in your living room and try to peddle them through your own website anymore. Right? So I just used Amazon KDP. And so I don't have any of those overhead costs. And so, you know, I wasn't gonna have to shell out thousands of dollars of my own money to get the printing per unit costs down to something stomachable. 

I just decided. You know what? This is the way that I could see this thing in print and I could start sending out some of these thank you notes. So that's what I did. It just sort of, like met the needs. And the central goal of this project was to get it out there and not necessarily Like I said, I don't think that this is going to change the way that I'm supporting my family. And so, waiting on a publisher, I felt like I had been working on it long enough, and I wanted To see it live. So I just made that decision to go ahead and go the self publishing route. 

Mindy: That is true of so many people that I talk to that have self published. And I totally understand that urge. I write under a pen name as well with some friends and all that is self published stuff. And most of it in my world, I write very dark, very gritty and realistic fiction. Everything that I write is pretty rough around the edges. But I have ideas that are fun or silly or just, you know, off the wall and bonkers. And I can't really ever print those under my real name because it would skew my brand so badly. And it's something that I've talked with my agent about, especially about one of the very first books I ever finished, and she was just like, Yeah, it's great and it's fun, But it goes against your brand so hard that publishers gonna have a hard time marketing this and I was like, Yeah, I get it. That makes sense. 

But it's a book that I care about. I don't know. I mean again, it's not going to change the world. It's silly. It's a fun beach read. That's not what I write, but I did write it I can write that. I enjoy writing it. So eventually here, hopefully this year, I'm going to be self publishing that under my pen name because it's fun. I like writing. It doesn't have the depth and the smack in the face that my writing under my real name does. And that's fine. It still has value. It still has worth, and I have fun making it. So my opinion, much like the self publishing world, has changed. How I feel about and view self publishing has changed very much in the past 10 years. 

Landall: I should say, like Maybe as a caveat, You know, if someone from some you know, publishing house is listening to this and they want to talk,I look like I'm open to negotiation, right? I'm happy to have that. I'm happy to have that conversation. 

At the time. It felt like, you know, I wrote every day during that break between jobs to get all the words down and get the story out. I just felt this sort of anxiety over the waiting period that was inevitable with trying to, you know, to shop it properly and stuff. And I was just like, man, I just like I don't know if I have that in me, I wanna hold it, You know?

Mindy: We call it a book, baby, but it is very much like having a baby. You grow it for nine months. It's in there. People can kind of interact with it, but you haven't... you wanna be like, here's the thing that I made, right? And like I said, my opinions about self publishing have changed because the industry itself has changed dramatically. But I would never tell someone that they have made a mistake or gone the easy route by going with self publishing. It has its own trials and tribulations and they are different from trad publishing. But they’re there.

Landall: Also like a couple other independent authors that I have discovered who started with self publishing too, and I enjoyed their books so much, and I was like, Man, these guys are such talented writers. If they’re as good as they are and they self published, it sort of took some of that - If there was gonna be a stigma about it, which I didn't really feel - but if there was like that would have completely taken it away, these guys were great. 

Mindy: The pool of talent in self publishing is very, very different than it was 10 to 15 years ago for sure. Last thing. Why don't you let listeners know where they can find the book Headwinds and where they can find you online? 

Landall: Landall Proctor dot com Is my little space on the Internet. There's a link to your Headwinds there where you could get more information. There's a link, so it's available on Amazon readily. Iif you happen to live in Berkeley, California and you want to buy from a local bookstore, Books Inc on Shattuck Avenue is carrying it, which is really cool. There's a couple copies available there. I'd love for them to get purchased so they want more of them. You can find me on Instagram @Landall basically like with a name like Landall, I don't have to have interesting social media handles. I'm on Facebook as well. I'm pretty easy to find.

Mindy: Writer Writer Pants on Fire is produced by Mindy McGinnis. Music by Jack Korbel. Don't forget to check out the blog for additional interviews, writing advice and publication tips at Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com. If the blog or podcast have been helpful to you or if you just enjoy listening, please consider donating. Visit Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com and click “support the blog and podcast” in the sidebar.

Eliza Jane Brazier On the Popularity of True Crime With Female Audiences

Mindy: Welcome to Writer Writer Pants on Fire, where authors talk about things that never happened to people who don't exist. We also cover craft, the agent hunt, query trenches, publishing, industry, marketing and more. I'm your host, Mindy McGinnis. You can check out my books and social media at mindymcginnis dot com and make sure to visit the Writer Writer Pants on Fire blog for additional interviews, query critiques and more as well as full transcriptions of each podcast episode. at WriterWriterPants on Fire.com. And don’t forget to check out the Writer, Writer, Pants on Fire Facebook page. Give me feedback, suggest topics you’d like to hear discussed, and let me know if there is someone you’d love to see a a guest.

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Mindy: We're here with Eliza Jane Brazier who is here to talk about her debut novel If I Disappear, which has all kinds of different elements that interest me, first of all being true crime and podcasts, and then also para social relationships. Which are especially interesting in today's world. So why don't we just start off with you telling us a little bit about the book.

Eliza: It is a story of this woman who is like a true crime podcast fan, right? And she's kind of like adrift like in her life. Like she sort of doesn't feel like she has a place where she belongs, like things kind of aren't working out for her. But she kind of finds comfort in this podcast, and she sort of feels like this sort of connection to the host. You know, she sort of feels like a friendship. She also, I think, really admires her. So when the host goes missing, she decides to take it upon herself to go and look for this host, and she's going to use all the information and everything she's learned from listening to podcasts to figure out this mystery. So she ends up like diving into this - the host lived in this like really rural location in Northern California, which is based on a real place, and she kind of goes in undercover in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by kind of creepy, suspicious people, to try to solve this mystery and, of course, thrills ensue. 

Mindy: Wonderful. One of the things that I've talked with thriller authors before on the podcast, and it's been a topic of conversation just among friends before, as well, is the heavily female readership, listenership, viewership, for true crime material. It is a heavily female consumer content area. There's a lot of different theories about why that is. My own is that I feel like one reason we do This is just the age old adage of Know your enemy. The more we know, the better we can protect ourselves or be more aware. That's my theory about why we do this, combined with the idea of why we always look at a car crash. Deep down, what's going on there is, you're thinking, Oh, that's not me. And you have a sense of relief. 

Eliza: Yeah, no, I think going along with what you say, and I think you'll probably agree, like women are much more likely to be victims of violent crimes or to have experienced trauma. So I think in a way it could be like a safe space to address that and to feel less alone, like for me. Personally, I actually got into true crime, and this is like gonna be different in probably specifics, but I don't think necessarily in feeling. I got into true crime after my husband died, my husband's death was actually like an unlawful killing. Like I spent almost a year of watching Dateline's because there's nowhere, when you go through trauma or things like that, there's really nowhere for you to talk about it. People don't want it, obviously to hear about it. They think it's, you know, sort of depressing and scary. That is like a place and a community where you actually can, like, talk about that stuff. So in a way, it helps you to feel less alone. 

Then I also think that, you know, there's an element of seeking control, like if I'm listening to a podcast, I know the bad things coming. Whereas in real life it catches you off guard. So you feel like you're preparing yourself. And then I think that there is one other element that, like came in for me a little later when I started to get into actually true crime podcasts like My Favorite Murder or like Crime Junkie, I actually started to go to like, live events, and that's when I first sort of experienced the community that surrounds true crime. 

And I think that, you know, that's obviously something that's come up in the last 5 to 10 years and very much from My Favorite Murder from Karen and Georgia and from who they are as people. They're funny. They're smart. They talk very honestly and openly about mental health. Because of that, that community reflects that. So you go to these live events and they're like, joyful, they’re warm. They're open. Like I went to one with my mom and we because it was like, sold out, we couldn't sit together. So we both were sitting in like different parts of the auditorium. Both of us talked to our seat mates, made immediate friends with them. You know what I mean? That doesn't happen, like if I go to a concert. So I think a huge part of it is that community, and it's really down to the women, the women who built that community surrounding that, you know, because otherwise I don't think it would be having this huge moment. 

Mindy: My novels deal with darker material, and as someone that even as a young child, it's like I was always interested in the macabre, and things that were darker. People didn't necessarily want to talk about or encourage me to be interested in. And also, I think there's still a little bit of that taboo, if you're female, should you really even be interested in this? It makes me wonder if there's a big push back there where we're like No, this happens to us? So, yeah, we're interested. 

Eliza: I was similar when I was younger than I was drawn towards, like dark, dark stories, like when I was younger. My earliest stories are like probably some of my darkest to me. To not be interested or not be looking at it would be to sort of ignore and marginalize something that should be addressed. It's like what we all experience, like as human beings, is the fear that we're gonna die, You know? It would be to me like putting on blinders and living in like La La Land, like it's not the real world. It's important to address that and like, try to, I guess, make it feel not as scary.

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Mindy: So you touched a little bit on how speaking about conventions and going to events where true crime or themes like that are the topic. And you talked about the immediacy of having these friends where you could just meet someone. And it is true. Like everyone there has this shared interest, and it is very easy to have conversations, and to have things pop up. I know just from attending so many writers conventions as a speaker, but then also as an attendee, over the years, you know, you could just turn to the person next to you and say so what do you write? And you have an immediate conversation. So speaking of like those relationships in a very real and flesh and bone, face to face interactions, moving that then into the Parasocial relationships which so many of us have. Why don't you talk a little bit about that? And how that idea plays so deeply into the plot? 

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Eliza: I mean, so this is, like, an interesting thing. Because, like whenever I wrote this book, I didn't know what a Parasocial relationship was. I've never heard the term. So my publicist reached out. Oh, you know, you could write about or talk about Parasocial relations. I was like, Yeah, for sure. And then I, like, quickly looked it up. So what it is, is it's like the relationship between, like, a celebrity or like a public person, I guess, And their audience, right? So, for example, like you and your listeners, right? So you talk to them, you tell them things about yourself, sometimes even personal things, and they feel like they know you like you’re friends. But you, in many cases, don't know anything about them. So it's kind of a one sided relationship. 

With this book, that relationship is at the center of the novel. So Sarah, the protagonist, has this relationship that's very intense with Rachel, who is the missing woman. She sort of feels that she knows her. And I think it was kind of like an interesting thing to explore, because I guess, like in those relationships, who are you actually seeing? I think I know you. But I've never met you. Am I projecting myself onto you? Is It really a reflection of the self? So I think it's either I'm projecting my own self and my own feelings onto you, or I am projecting the person that I need, the friend that I need to have. 

So I think that, like for Sarah, there's times when it's both of those things. There's times when she looks at Rachel and sees herself like, she's thinks, well, what if I disappeared? would anyone look for me? Because she feels like no one cares about her. So when Rachel disappears and it seems like no one cares, she has this intense personal connection to that kind of feeling and she's like, I'm going to be the person that cares. 

And then there's other times I think when she sees Rachel as the person that she wants to be like, as somebody who maybe doesn't care about fitting in the sort of social norms that Sarah feels pressure to conform to. But then, I think also, if you look at like any relationship, they're all a little para social because you don't really know anybody. Like, as we true crime fans know, you really don't know anyone. 

Mindy: It's really fascinating, because I know, for example, I wear so many different hats in my life. And I've told people before. You know Mindy McGinnis, the author, that you come see, that speaks and interacts, like she has a certain way. When I am Mindy McGinnis, author I've changed. When I drive somewhere- when we used to do public events - you know, I would take that drive and of course I'm alone in the car and the very essence of your true self alone in the car, you know, for however long the drive lasts like, you know, I could be in the car for like, three or four hours And then get to where I'm going and I'll just sit there for a second. It's like, all right, you gotta switch like you gotta flip into Mindy McGinnis, writer.

Eliza: You have to be, like, more confident. That's like the hard thing I think about for at least to me about, like, doing like, public events. Is that like, normally I'm, like, not confident. And you don't want to start like sitting there like spiraling in front of people. 

Mindy: You gotta walk in there confident. I agree. And I'll give myself a little pep talk. Sometimes I just roll like the first, like eight or 12 bars of the Indiana Jones theme in my head.

Eliza: Like Eye of the Tiger, yeah. You're just just running in there, man. 

Mindy: I remember when I was younger and I would have crushes, you know, when I was like, junior high, early high school and I would have crushes on movie stars. This would have been like the nineties. And I had the biggest, just most irresponsible crush on Christian Slater. We were getting married, and that was that. You know what I mean? 

Eliza: I'm like the same, man, but I like, kind of took it one step further because when I was younger, you know, I lived in Southern California, and then I also like, would go to a lot of concerts, so I would go to like, concerts. And think this is my community. These are my people. I’d find a way to sneak backstage to meet these people. Pretend I didn't know who they were because I was like, That's the only way they're gonna be friends with me. That's how I met my late husband through, like showing up at some concert and being like, I don't know who you guys are, But we're all gonna be friends. I know we are! 

Mindy: Here in Ohio we don’t really have access to any famous people. If Christian Slater was on like the Tonight Show or Good Morning America, I would not miss it. And I would tape it like on my VCR. I felt like I knew this man because he would sit and talk to, you know, Jay Leno or whoever. I know everything about him. And he told the story about getting a root canal. And he likes to play Nintendo. I can still tell you his birthday because it was just grounded into my head. It's like, super fucking weird. I don't know. Now, as an adult, it's like-  you have no idea who that man was.

Eliza: That's the thing too, I guess, like the continuation of my story, like when I would actually meet these people, like I would be wildly disappointed. Funny when you're a kid, I think it's so much easier to believe that you do kind of know them. And then you realize you're like Okay, No, that's like a presentation. 

Mindy: I substitute in the local school district. I worked there as a librarian for 14 years, and now I substitute because I'm able to write full time, but with COVID, they're just dying for help. So I substitute and I'll cover anything from fifth grade to seniors. So I have a professional teacher substitute Mindy that has to have even, different sections inside of that. Like the substitute that walks into fifth grade is very different from the one that walks into a room full of seniors. I definitely compartmentalize my personality and I'm not, like, really famous, so I can't imagine being very famous and how, you know, the decisions that you make about what you share and what you keep for yourself.

Eliza: Image and stuff are very like controlled in a way too, like a product you're selling. So sometimes it's like it's very different from what is the reality.

Mindy: My ex, he told me once, because he came with me to one of my events and we were together for like, 12 years. But he came with me to one of my events one time, and he's like, It was weird for me because it wasn't even like you up there anymore. He's like, You were different. You were a completely different person. And I’m like Well, yeah, that's because you get the real me, you know? And he's like, I’m not sure I like, author you.

Eliza: Good thing he’s an ex. I'm doing an event tonight with another author who's actually like my sister in law, and I was thinking I was like, This is gonna be weird. Am I being author Eliza? I don't think I have as clear maybe of a distinction as somebody like yourself who's been in the game for a long time. 

Mindy: I actually did an event. This was funny. My sister is an English teacher at the high school, and I did an event where they took different English classes from different schools in the area. I was doing my presentation and I was Author Self, which my sister and my co workers had actually never seen before. And there was a kid in the audience who had the same last name as we do, my sister and I. And we had, through the course of, like moving through local sports and stuff like that, his name would come up and I'm really interested in geneaology. And she is, too. And so we were always like, Oh my gosh, are we related to this kid? And we would talk to each other about it and he was in the audience and we didn't know it. And I'm doing my thing, and I'm being, you know, author Mindy. And then I'm taking questions and this kid raises his hand, and he's like, Hey, we have the same last name and I just stopped hardcore, like hit a brick wall, pointed at him and looked at my sister and went, RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE! And everybody else was just like What the fuck is going on? We're just making faces at each other and no one knows what's going on. And I'm like, Sorry, guys. 

Eliza: That was a personal moment. I couldn't control myself.

Mindy: Let's talk about, you mentioned Northern California and the fact that you chose to set this in a very rural area. I always write rurally because that's how I live and how I grew up. And very often I have people that are, like, excited to read something that isn't set in the suburbs or in the big city. So how much of the rural setting tied into just plot necessity for you?

Eliza: I'd been living in England for like 10 years, and I was married and then my husband died. I moved back to America and I got a job at, like, a dude ranch in northern California. A  lot of that is like, pulled from reality. Like I went to this place and I was thinking, you know, I'm gonna have this magical healing summer, like working with horses. It's gonna be like this, you know, idyllic like paradise and I got there and like, right away, I was like, Oh, this is not what I expected. It's like the kind of place, especially in California, like you don't think that it really exists anymore, like it's so inaccessible. And there's so few people and the people that are there have been there for usually a long time and also usually they're kind of there for a reason, like they don't want to be around other people. 

So it was just like this really intense setting, like a psychological experiment because, like when somebody would get paranoid or scared like it would escalate so much and people would tell these scary stories, I only lasted there for six weeks before it literally got to the point where, like, someone crossed the line and I was like, Okay, I actually have to leave because this is literally dangerous. I took, like all of those kinds of feelings from that very unique intense experience and put that into the book. So I definitely pulled from my actual experiences in that place. But then I, you know, I populated the world with fictional characters.

Mindy: My friends and the publishing world, you know most of them live in, if not directly in big cities, they live in, um, at least the suburbs. And a couple of times when my friends that are writers have come to visit me or stay with me, they have just been like Oh my God, because I mean, it's not as rural as Northern California or a desert setting. But, you know, my nearest neighbor is a mile away. It’s how I grew up, it's what I'm used to. To me, there's nothing weird about it, but one of my good friends that came to stay with me a few years ago. She grew up in Miami, and then she lived in Chicago and I picked her up at the airport and, you know, we were just chatting and driving out of the city. And when we get off the freeway and she's like, Oh, man, you really do live in the middle of nowhere And I was like, Dude, this road has paint on it like this is still the city to me. So it's like we get out where I live And she was like, Alright, I'm sorry, I don't want to sound stupid. Like, how do you know where you're going? She's like, there's no street light. I can't see any signs. And I'm like, Dude, I know where I'm going because I live here. Nobody is here that doesn’t live here. And then being outside, she practically ran into the house. And I'm like, Dude, what's up? She's like, it's so dark.

Eliza: Yeah, it's scary to be surrounded by all this, like space. Yeah, if you're not used to it, You know what I mean? Like, you just feel like you start to feel like, Oh, my gosh, I'm so small in the world is so big and I'm really scared. 

Mindy: That's how I feel when I go into the city. Tying into that idea of isolation - Do you think that this book is going to tap into some pandemic experiences? 

Eliza: I don't know. That's like an interesting thing that I obviously would never have anticipated. But I do think like, for example, when we talked about Parasocial relationships, I'd certainly have more podcasts and bloggers that I listen to now than I ever did before. Especially in the very early stages of locked down, um, in Atlanta when it was like, Oh, my gosh, the world's ending. And like, I didn't have my puppy yet that I would like to listen to their like vlogs like they're, you know, mundane updates every day of life, like - I got coffee. I, like, looked out my window and listened, like I am invested in those people and I will forever like, associate them with this whole thing. And I always, like, want well for them, even though I am one of, like, you know, 50,000 people who watch their show. So I definitely think that maybe people will, like, get it more than they might have otherwise. 

Mindy: Last thing, why don't you let listeners know where they can find the book If I Disappear, and where they can find you online?

Eliza: So I think the book is in bookstores, um, I Hope. Which I know are hard to get to right now. But there's Barnes and Nobles, like Amazon. I I think it's always great to like, check with your indies. And then online Twitter, Instagram and yeah, like, reach out and say Hi, man, because I love to talk to people. That's like a really fun part, is being able to like, I guess open up your community and expand your horizons. 

Mindy: Writer Writer Pants on Fire is produced by Mindy McGinnis. Music by Jack Korbel. Don't forget to check out the blog for additional interviews, writing advice and publication tips at Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com. If the blog or podcast have been helpful to you or if you just enjoy listening, please consider donating. Visit Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com and click “support the blog and podcast” in the sidebar.

Ashley Audrain On The Complexity of Motherhood & Writing Advice She Loathes

Mindy: Welcome to Writer Writer Pants on Fire, where authors talk about things that never happened to people who don't exist. We also cover craft, the agent hunt, query trenches, publishing, industry, marketing and more. I'm your host, Mindy McGinnis. You can check out my books and social media at mindymcginnis dot com and make sure to visit the Writer Writer Pants on Fire blog for additional interviews, query critiques and more as well as full transcriptions of each podcast episode. at WriterWriterPants on Fire.com. And don’t forget to check out the Writer, Writer, Pants on Fire Facebook page. Give me feedback, suggest topics you’d like to hear discussed, and let me know if there is someone you’d love to see a a guest.

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Mindy: We're here with Ashley Audrain whose first novel, The Push, released earlier this month. It is up my alley because it covers something that I think a lot of people don't like to talk about. And that is the possibility of a truly bad child. So why don't you tell us a little bit about the book? 

Ashley: Sure. Thank you for having me, Mindy. The Push is about a woman named Blythe Connor, and she comes from a history of women who have struggled greatly with motherhood, her own mother and her grandmother in particular. And she's determined that she's going to break the cycle, that she's going to be the warm, present engaged mother that she herself never had. And so she and her husband have a baby named Violet. And it is not long until she starts to realize that there's something wrong with Violet. She is a very aloof child. She's distant and not attached, and she's quite an angry little girl. And she soon starts to demonstrate some malicious behavior towards other Children. And the problem, of course, is that her husband cannot see in their daughter what she sees. He thinks this is very much a result of Blythe’s maternal anxiety, and you know the fear that she's carried about motherhood for so long and they, you know, sort of try to move on and have another baby. And in that new baby named Sam, Blythe finds that maternal connection she had always hoped for until something goes terribly wrong in the family and they are forced to really take a look at who their daughter is and who Blythe herself is and what has happened. And the family unravels from there. 

Mindy: So much going on there. I love that you made the decision To make the bad child a female. 

Ashley: Yeah, that's interesting. No one has said that to me yet. Blythe is raising a daughter who she hopes is going to be the better, kind of, reflection of the women that she comes from. It was important to me to sort of capture these four generations of women. So we go back to the grandmother, the mother Blythe herself, and now this fourth generation in Violet. And I really wanted to explore that idea of, you know, this chain of motherhood that we come from, what we as women, sort of the women that recreate, and the females that we create in the children we have. What we can't help but pass along to them. What we try to pass along to them. Explore that kind of balance between what is innate in us, totally innate in us as women. And what is, you know, the learned behavior that we have as women when it comes to, especially when it comes to kind of our maternal behaviors. 

Mindy: It's such a great question and so interesting to me personally. As a joke, but also very true - my mother is extraordinarily kind and sweet. Never says a bad thing about anyone. For an example. Their house was broken into maybe two years ago, and my mom came home, discovered it and didn't call the cops because she and I quote, “did not want anyone to get into trouble.” That's my mother. 

Ashley: Aw, that's so sweet. 

Mindy: Oh, yeah, just well, It's okay, I'll clean it up. That is the hereditary line, and it's very true, and I was fortunate enough to know my great grandmother, that really kind of conservative, “I don't want to cause a problem or get in your way or be too loud. I'll just clean up this mess” for a woman, really came down very strongly through all three generations. And then I showed up. And I can tell you that my mother... I'm 42 and my mother repeatedly has told me she just keeps wishing that someday I'll be nicer and I'm like mom, it's I'm 42.

Ashley: So funny. And also that expectation and pressure to be nice as women. I mean, we get it all the time. 

Mindy: Yeah, we certainly do. Another point I want to bring up your using a female child to be an aggressor. I really like it. I really like it because when we see, when we notice-in some circles, obviously it is changing and thank goodness - but when we see aggressive behavior, they're not even necessarily aggressive. Sometimes just strong qualities of resistance, defiance, things like this in a female child. It gets translated and magnified in our minds simply because it's a female enacting it. We are immediately like No, no, no, no, You can't act that way. It doesn't simply boil down to the “boys will be boys” like It is a true cultural thing that when we see a female speaking up speaking out, there's automatically a problem. She doesn't have to be mean or aggressive. She's perceived that way. So does that come into the book at all? Or are you focusing more on that maternal line because I think it's just fascinating with the- as you were saying - the chain of motherhood because it is strong and it is real. 

Ashley: It really is. And yeah, it's interesting. There are moments Violet, the young girl has aggressions towards other Children and those Children that she treats that way are boys. But it's this example of this girl you know, doing these things to these boys. And there are some conversations that I capture in the book where her husband, Fox, speaks of their daughter and sort of, you know, the ways that we tend to learn how to speak about little girls. You know what the Mother in Law's sort of does the same thing, and Blythe sees her daughter differently, but she doesn't conform as much to that sort of, You know,  - there's nothing wrong with her. She's just this sweet little girl like other people in the book do. 

And there's also, you know, some questions with her or conversations with, her preschool teacher and whatnot about the kind of child she is. I'm or was sort of focused on that idea of motherhood and sort of what we passed down as women and, you know, it's interesting. I think you know the relationship between a mother and daughter is just such an interesting one to me because I obviously, because I am a woman but even even more interesting than sort of the relationship between a mother and son. It is, I think, the most complex, often the most emotional relationship that we can have in our lives. And, you know, we look at our mothers, and I think you just spoke perfectly to this. But, you know, we see things in our own mothers sometimes that we don't see in ourselves, or we do see in ourselves whether we like to or not. But I think we're always quite conscious of it, like we're all quite, I think conscious of Are we being like our mother right now? And it's almost sort of become an insult, you know, for someone to say, Oh, you're being just like your mom. That's so interesting to me that we speak that way about how we think of our mothers. 

And the other thing about that I kinda wanted to explore here, and that's really interesting to me is, I think, as daughters, you know, we think we really know our mothers so well, like we really feel like we completely understand them. We are so close to them, you know, we kind of know them inside out. Many of us and speaking, you know, broadly, we didn't even know who our mothers were as women before they had Children. We do understand and see our mothers through such a narrow lens when you really think about it. And so I like that idea of, you know, exploring this part of your mother that you can't quite understand and the parts of her identity that you can't quite understand because you weren't there for them. You didn't witness them. You don't know them. All you get is that woman as mother. I wanted to explore that by looking at kind of the back stories of, like mother and her grandmother as well. 

Mindy: I think it's so true we do view our mothers Only through that very narrow scope of motherhood, and we don't think of them as actually women, I think very often. And I think that's particularly damaging because I mean, it is something that we say often as teenagers will be like, Oh, you know, you just don't understand me? Um, of course they do. Of course they do, because they were teenagers once too. And of course, that's true across the gender spectrum. But I think particularly for girls and especially like my generation. And I think probably yours as Well, our mothers are probably more in that mold of - well, at least where I'm from because I live rurally - a little more in that mold of what a woman was supposed to be in an old-fashioned conservative sense. So it's hard to think of them as being… my mom grew up in the sixties, right? She can drink like a fish, you know. And that's something that when I figured this out, like in my twenties, that my mother has a higher alcohol tolerance than I do,  I was just like, Wait, what? 

One of the things, moments in life that I enjoy very, very much are those very brief, very quick moments when you spot someone that you know, like in a crowd or somewhere you don't expect to see them, and your brain has not processed the recognition yet. They're just processing person. And you see this person in this case, my mother, in a different manner simply because you haven't identified them as mom yet. I've had that experience multiple times. You know what those moments are like for anybody, But I had an experience this past fall showing up To a sports event for my nephew, a cross country race. I didn't know that my parents were coming. Because of COVID, the attendance was, you know, limited and I hadn't spoken to them. And I was walking up to the gate and I'm just looking at people and and there's a woman like waiting, leaning against the fence, just waiting, obviously to meet someone. And you know, she's older, but I just like, glance at this woman. I'm like, Wow, that's a very good looking older woman. She’s really beautiful. 

And I was walking with a person. I had just begun dating somewhat recently at that point, and he was like, Oh, hey, isn't that your mom? And I was like, Oh my God, that is my mom. And it was just this moment. It was like my mom is very, very pretty.  And I just had I love that experience of seeing her just as a person. 

Ashley: Oh, I love it. That's such a good example. That is a really good example. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. And I've had that moment too. I totally had that kind of moment with my own mother. And there's a, you know, a couple of scenes in the book. I mean, maybe at least one scene that kind of captures this, but that idea of -  I don't know if you experienced this when you were younger, but you would be, you know, a child and you would go to bed. You'd be like, sent for bedtime and then your parents would have friends over like there would be something social happening in their life. And I can totally remember that feeling of, you know, being in bed and kind of falling, trying to fall asleep and knowing that my parents were like having this sort of experience downstairs that was social with other adults. And their voices changing and their conversation style changing and that being like... feeling very shocking and feeling very intriguing. It's uncomfortable, I think, as a child sometimes because you feel like that's a different person, downstairs in the kitchen. It's so interesting to me, and I'm sort of a little bit conscious of that now. And I, you know, my oldest kid is five, so you know he's not quite there yet. But I still do kind of catch those moments where I sort of see him kind of standing off to the side, sort of watching me in conversation with somebody, you know, completely out of my mom identity, but in a different identity. And it is such an interesting thing.

Mindy: Your example about adults gathering and the Children being there is very precious, very accurate. I know having those experiences as a child. If I needed something suddenly, like if I wanted to drink or if I wanted to go downstairs and ask if I could have you know, another cookie or whatever, I would hesitate in a way that I never would have if it was just my mom downstairs, because she's not just my mom now, like I'm going down there. I'm intruding on this new person, this different person. 

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Ashley: I remember that kind of feeling of almost embarrassment. It's funny how visceral that feeling that memory is for both of us. It reminds me of there was this book, It was called Women in Clothes. And I think it came out maybe 2012 or sometime around there, because I remember I had just started working at Penguin when it came out, and it was more of like, an anthology on, like a collection of essays about women writing all kinds of perspectives and stories on articles about their relationship with clothing. And there was one article that really stuck out to me, and I should go back and read it now I haven't read in a long time, but it was a woman talking about how she wanted to go back and look at pictures of what her mother wore before she became a mother. How it gave her a completely different perspective on how she considered her mother at that time. And I thought, That's so interesting because, you know, it may seem like a frivolous thing to be, you know, thinking or talking about clothing. But I mean, clothing is such a huge part of our identity and how we express ourselves. That's also quite interesting, too. Like I think you know, there are all these little sort of artifacts of the way that we kind of see our mother or can understand her. 

Mindy: It's very true. And my mother, apparently, this is a story that gets tossed around in the, uh, the family because it is highly amusing, but she had gone to college. Again, we live very rurally. and she went to a tech college, like to become a secretary. She went to Columbus to go like a two year college and right around the time she had left home, apparently there was a woman roughly her age and looks very similar to her working in pornography. And people would notice this and be like Oh, my God, Like she left home and really just cut loose. And apparently my grandma and my grandfather had to have, like, these really uncomfortable conversations. And my mother was just like, That is not me!

Ashley: A real stroke of bad luck. That is very funny. Oh, dear.

Mindy: Also like when my mom told me that story, of course I was older. I was all, Oh my gosh, Ha ha ha. But then I was like, Oh, wait, you do have sex, though. 

Ashley: Exactly. That sudden realization

Mindy: Yeah, it was funny. And then shit got real.

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Mindy: So you mentioned working in publishing. I know that you were in the industry for a while before you went to the other side of the desk as an author. So why don't you talk about that and about that transition? 

Ashley: Sure. Yeah. So I started my career in PR like working for PR agencies, doing more like consumer marketing. I really liked that. But I did sort of feel this kind of missing connection to, you know, what my passion was, and that was writing and books and reading. And I was very fortunate to have the opportunity To move over to Penguin Canada to work as their publicity director because it could be hard to get a job in publishing. And so I was lucky to get that job. And I really felt like a kid in a candy store when I went into the office every day because, you know, I love doing, you know, marketing and communications and publicity, and that was still my role. But I was surrounded by some of the best authors in the world and books every day. And that's, you know, obviously what we all kind of hope for. 

I had been writing a lot leading up to that, weekends and nights. And writing had always been such a big part of my life, and it was, you know, what I had hoped to do. But of course, you know, you have to have a job that pays your bills every day. I did not write much when I worked at Penguin. I kind of just let writing sort of go to the side, and I think it's because when I was in that job, well, first of all, it is very humbling to work in publishing, especially at, you know, one of the best publishers in the world.

But more so, you know, I was doing so much reading at that time, and when you work in publishing, you have to read everything. You have to read the books you're putting out, you know, as a publisher, you're reading competition, you're reading the best sellers, and I read wider than I ever had before, like far more commercial than I had before and also far more literary than I had before. Looking back now, I did not realize this at the time, but looking back Now I can see that that was its own very powerful education in writing, to be reading so voraciously and so widely. 

I really loved working at Penguin, but I left in 2015 To go on maternity leave with my son. We're very lucky to have a year maternity leave here in Canada. I guess around like the six month mark or so I started to write again. I just felt this really compelling urge to write about motherhood. And the story was, it really felt urgent to me and I felt that was what I wanted to do with, you know, the precious few hours I had every week. And so it kind of happened from there and I didn't go back to my job, you know, for a couple of reasons. But I really wanted To pursue writing. That sort of was, you know, the end of my time at Penguin as a publicist, but I'm there now as an author, so it kind of comes full circle for sure. So that was sort of how the writing journey for the novel began. 

Mindy: I know as an author - I never worked in publishing, previous to being an author. But I've been publishing now since 2013. I work just freelance editing for aspiring writers. I've had a lot of luck with that, especially during quarantine. So many people who had said, Yeah, I want to write a novel just did it, which is wonderful. I have a lot of editorial work come in and it's been such an experience having words just be my entire day and life, where I'm reading other people's words, giving them advice on how to make things better. I'm looking at writing from a completely critical standpoint, like not getting lost in the story or anything of that type, completely deconstructing everything that I'm reading, then moving into creating something of my own and having to turn the critical parts off so that I can just let some flow happen.

Ashley: It’s a completely different mindset.

Mindy: That's right, it’s a completely different interaction with words. Maybe in the evening I’m reading, right? And that kind of stopped. I have to tell you.

Ashley: I hear you. Reading during the pandemic, you know, in this pandemic life that we're still in, I have gone through different relationships with reading as well, times when I just couldn't do it and then times when I needed it. Do you find that your editing work, like your manuscript help for other people, is helping your writing as well? 

Mindy: For sure. It's also humbled me incredibly, because I was always very confident in myself and self-assured and verging on being egotistic, because I was in my early twenties. But I really believed at that time in my life that writing was a talent, that it was a gift. That you had it or you didn't. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. I think I had finished at that point, like three novels and, of course, was convinced that they were all Pulitzer worthy. 

Then I came home and was not in college anymore. Was married, having no, absolutely zero success with my writing, just rejection after rejection after rejection, just feeling like this undiscovered genius. And it's so interesting to me. Because then, of course, through 10 years of further life experience of improving and improving and learning and accepting criticism, I actually became a good writer. I went back and looked at some of the stuff that I had written early and it was so bad. Like, That's not like mock humility. It’s terrible. And so I bring that to my editing. I mean, don't get me wrong. There are times when I'm editing and I'm just like, Really? This is super basic. You should be able to do this. And then I'm like, But could you, Mindy? Could you?

Ashley: Exactly. Because it really is just about the practice of it. Talent for sure. That is a part of it. But so much of it is the hours, the hours that you spend doing it. Yeah, for sure. I totally get that. 

Mindy: Before you left Penguin, when you were so immersed in words and publishing and in that every day truly grind of having a relationship with words of every minute of the day, Were you still attempting to write at that time or had you set that aside? 

Ashley: I had really set it aside, and it wasn't so much a conscious choice to do that. It just sort of was the way things happened. Looking back, I think I sort of knew that I had other things to learn, and I think That's why I was so compelled to read so much. I think that's kind of where that came from. Yeah, so I really had kind of put that aside. I mean, I always had kept that dream. I always kind of felt that dream that want to do it. To, you know, to write, but also to get published and that pursuit of it. 

I remember before I started working at Penguin, you know, I always had a writing class that I was in. I didn't have any kids. And so I had, you know, all Saturday and all Sunday at that time in my life, kind of to myself until I would sit for eight hours and write. And I was kind of working on, you know, pieces here and there and, you know, testing out ideas for a book and kind of doing assignments for these writing classes that I was in. I loved it. I just loved it so much. And that  had really convinced me just of the joy that writing brought to me and how, like, connected I felt to it. It is kind of strange that it sort of fell away when I was, you know, working for those couple years in publishing. But again, kind of in hindsight, I could see that as sort of... It was almost like the other part of my brain was kind of turned on at that time, Um, kind of just absorbing, just learning through seeing how it worked and also just reading, you know, so much more widely. 

It didn't surprise me at all when that urge, that kind of rush, to need to write Again came back to me as soon as I left that job. That whole time, the ideas were brewing. Like an urge is the best way to describe it, like just a really creative urge with something to say. It's interesting you hear writers say write this, you know, the story that only you could tell. You have to write what’s kind of burning in you at that moment. 

Mindy: A cliche, a piece of writing advice that I hear often that I dislike - even though I think if you have the opportunity, you should take it - but so often I hear writers saying “write every day.” And I think that is just--

Ashley: I hate that, too. Mindy, I'm so glad you said that because that is also my most loathed piece of writing advice is “write every day.” Because I mean of course, if you are in a certain writing routine, of course you're writing every day. I never wrote every day and I still don't. And I never wrote every day then for several reasons and one was because I was a new mom. And that is an impossibility as a new mother. Write Every day? I mean, you are not in the head space to sit down on the computer every day of your life. There's no time. You're exhausted. Personally, I was trying to find just a couple moments in the week that I could write. That was all I could manage. 

But I think the other thing is that and I know everyone is so different. But for me, I never wrote every day because I needed time to think. And I needed time to kind of let things percolate. And I definitely thought about the book every day. That I could do. Like I had the energy to think about it. But I didn't always have the energy to sit down and work on it, you know, because I had a newborn. Even that whole first year of his life, you know, I take him for walks and pushing the stroller and going to the swings and nursing at night. And I would constantly take notes, and I would constantly think about it. It wasn't always that I could sit down and you know, up my word count. I don't agree with that advice for everybody. I know people who will say That's the only way I got the book done was to write every day, and you know, that is great, because that works for them. But it's not gonna work for everybody. 

Mindy: No. And I think that it raises a bar of exclusivity as well, because there are people that simply cannot write every day. Like you were saying early motherhood, but also people that are working two jobs, people that are single parents, people that are just freaking exhausted at the end of the day. You can't write every day. I could. Technically. I don't want to.

Ashley: I just don't want to. It's not the day. 

Mindy: I find so many aspiring writers hearing that advice and just hanging it up because they're like, Well, I can't do that.

Ashley: It feels quite daunting, doesn't it?

Mindy: Yeah, I agree. And I think I see a lot of people having the reaction of, Well, I must not be a writer then. It's like, No, dude, you can not write for six months. You cannot write for six years and then be like, Okay, I'm gonna do it again. That's fine.

Ashley: I totally agree. I totally agree. And I do remember kind of going through a point where I almost like, in those early days, and I was just starting to write where, you know, because that advice is so prevalent. I remember thinking like, I have no chance. Like I have a job.I can't make it the biggest priority in my life. 

Mindy: I cringe when I hear it every time I'll contradict people. If I'm on like a panel or something.

Ashley: I should say. I mean, it took me three years to write this book, so I guess that's why I guess it depends.

Mindy: It took me 10 years to get published, so you know everything with a grain of salt. So last thing, why don't you let people know where they can find you online and where they can find your book The Push?

Ashley: Sure, thank you. Well, The Push is out now so you can find it basically anywhere that you prefer, anywhere you like to buy books should be available. And you can find me online on Twitter at @audrain And I'm on Instagram @AshleyAuDrain And I have a website, Ashley Audrain dot com, that I'm updating with event news and that sort of thing. So, yeah, I love to hear from readers, and that's been, that's been a real joy in this process, is just, you know, finally having this book out and just hearing back from people about what they think of the book and what's resonating, and it's been really great. 

Mindy: Writer Writer Pants on Fire is produced by Mindy McGinnis. Music by Jack Korbel. Don't forget to check out the blog for additional interviews, writing advice and publication tips at Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com. If the blog or podcast have been helpful to you or if you just enjoy listening, please consider donating. Visit Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com and click “support the blog and podcast” in the sidebar.