The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Once an archeologist extraordinaire, Alice Webb has been banished to an arctic wasteland. Why? The headteacher, who rules the University with chalkboards and grindstones, refused to take her word for it that fairytale creatures existed. Carnivorous birdmen to be exact. Instead of degrees and World Peace Prizes, Alice found herself expelled. It's an interesting premise, but I don't have a feel for the when of this. There aren't any words here to convey that this is SF or futuristic, but someone beng banned to the Arctic for their beliefs feels very dystopian, so I'm confused about the genre / setting.

Desperate to restore her soiled reputation and find shelter from the eternal blizzard beyond civilization, Alice discovers a most peculiar palace. Lo and behold, who should answer but a birdman named Pip? Despite bearing a beak with thousands of needlelike fangs, Pip is more than happy to usher Alice inside for a cup of tea and a bite of raw wolf. Inspiration strikes Alice. Wouldn’t this birdman make a fine homecoming present? Yes, there is the tiny issue of being banished. However, who could claim birdmen are nothing but fairy tale once Alice makes her triumphant return, birdmen in tow? Okay but... what's the plot? Right now I feel like you're walking us through maybe the first 50 pages or so, but I don't really know what the plot is, or why I should care.

Pip leaps at the chance to see more strange featherless creatures like Alice. After all, what are friends if not one-way tickets from a frigid hellscape? But if Alice continues regaling speeches on how she “single-handedly bested carnivorous birdmen,” these creatures will have none of her so-called “civilization” nor academic pride. I don't really know what this means. Friction develops between Alice and Pip / the birdmen? Are they back in civilization? Why does this matter? What's at stake?

[Personalized sentence] I saw you on Publisher’s Marketplace. I am seeking representation for my adult fantasy novel, THE PARADOX PALACE, complete at 95,000 words. It will appeal to fans of AXIOM’S END by Lindsay Ellis with its comedic interspecies friendship with an eldritch entity and PIRANESI by Susanna Clarke as it features a clueless protagonist exploring otherworldly architecture. Good comp titles

My short fiction won placement in the Gunard B. Carlson Memorial Foundation Creative Writing Contest and received an honorable mention from Writers of the Future. I am a graduate of the Immaculata University Honor Society and went on to work at the Phoenixville Public Library. Good bio!

You've done a good job of getting voice in here, which is usually a challenge for queries. However, it's at the sacrifice of the plot. I don't really know what Alice wants (other than validation) or what stands in her way. I don't know what's at risk - the friendship? Civilization itself if she pisses off the birdmen? And I don't know much about Alice's personality. She seems like an affable goof, but then in the last para it sounds like she's talking a lot of shit, and making enemies. More plot, more explanation of who Alice is would be a good move.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Vivaswan, (an Incarnatus, of course) reflects freely beyond time, space, and even memory. Ironically, he cannot remember why he was created, and though other Incarnatus have attempted to fathom their arcane origins - or expand their ethereal potencies - all have failed, merging too deeply within the expanses of the Causal Ocean, where the collective consciousness of all worlds and living entities rests eternally. Not gonna lie, I'm a smart person and I had to work to pick apart what this is saying. A query needs to be easily understood. This is a philosophy, not a hook. I don't really have an understanding of who this is, what their purpose is, and certainly not what the plot might be When otherworldly forces set upon him, Vivaswan reincarnates as an inconsequential beggar from India who again reincarnates within the continent of Dravideya, where forces churn against each other in the (usual) struggle for supremacy. Same thing, honestly.

In the South, Dwarka is under siege from the Krithim Empire. Rebel King Maitreya brings change - wanted or not - upon the land. Supported by his stalwart elder brother Ugrasena, Maitreya defies the oppressively lavish merchant nobility in the name of vindicated equality, and they are winning. This makes more sense, but I have no idea how any of this connects with Viviswan

Meanwhile, the threatened Ista Gosthi - a secret monopoly formed of Dwarkan merchants, political leaders, and economic influencers- attempt to infiltrate Krithim, only to discover Maitreya’s purpose is not so noble: in his attempt to upturn Dravideyan society for the so-called “better”, he has joined arms with a Siddha… I don't know what a Siddha is, so I don't know what this means or why it's impactful

Niyantr - the only other remaining Siddha on Dravideya - is a piece of work: an advanced sage with unmatched magical power, decades of knowledge, and a Machiavellian approach to goals. Whilst Maitreya uses him to further his siege on Dwarka, Niyantr uses Maitreya to revive Virinchi, an Incarnatus long-since betrayed and defeated for having been the only one close enough to achieve oneness with the Causal Ocean. He is desperate to seize Vivaswan to complete the resurrection, but Vivaswan barely escapes capture, grappling with an ever-growing question: is he just an Indian beggar lost in another world, or perhaps something far, far, more universal…? Again, I don't have a great idea of what the plot is, who the main character is. What is the goal, what does the main character want, and what is standing in their way?

If beginnings are anything to go by, then let’s start with the assumption that I entered this world half South African, half South Indian, and somehow another half was left over to be a first-generation American. Not bad, right?

After my parents emigrated and settled in the USA from South Africa, life brought me somehow to India, and I grew up in the world of bhakti yoga, studying the Gitopanishad and the Vedanta Sutra texts (great inspirations for my submission, in fact), and understanding a little bit more about the vedic way of life. Life is actually pretty fascinating here! I grew up for many years in a gurukula (a vedic sort of boys’ ashram) where spiritual, academic, and material life are all wrapped up like a holy school-shaped burrito. We distributed food to the local communities, helped clean up a never-ending pile of trash from the town, joined the boys for some sankirtan singing from time to time, and bizarrely: I even learned to cook for myself (shocker, I know!). Sometime shortly after that, I happened to turn into a 20-something-year-old aspiring author navigating the nebulous tides of query letter and book edit lore, to which I can only say: “Lord have mercy!”, but in order to not have to live under a bridge (the traditional scenario for tortured artists), I decided to get a crispy degree in BB Finance & Administration.

I work in ecclesiastical education, and the community I live in is literally multi-national from all over the world (we’re still waiting on the North Koreans who are currently unavailable for comment), in the village of Sri Mayapur, which is about 4 hours by flying carpet - err, I mean car - from the nearest place where good coffee can be found. It’s not a bad life. Your bio is almost as long as the query, which isn't a good move. Your bio needs to relate to your writing experience, or how it relates to the content. I also don't advise being cutesy in your bio. Agents see hundreds upon hundreds of people trying to do this, and it's pretty much impossible to do this in a way that is actually charming.

Lots of things not working here - you don't say the title, the genre, the word count, or anything regarding where this would fit into the market, etc., which is pivotal. Again, I don't have a good idea of what the actual plot of the book is b/c the wording is so convoluted, and the bio is way, way too long. Look into some query writing basics, check out Jane Friedman in particular (link below).

https://janefriedman.com/query-letters/

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Twenty-One years old assassin Elysia Stormbringer’s destiny was pre-determined isn't a destiny presumed to be pre-determined? even before her birth. Her mission, This should be a colon, not a comma To end the reign of the Bloodborn King, who is responsible for the genocide of thousands of mortals by unleashing a deadly plaque upon their realm.

Her Plan,same thing, not a comma, a colon. Also plan should not be capitalized when she hears that the Bloodborn King is seeking a potential bride through bride trials, she boldly eliminates a contestant bride, taking her place in the trials. She is going to win the trials, Kill don't captialize this the Bloodborn King and the cherry on the top, She don't capitalize this is going to take his kingdom for herself. You are using echoes - the same word repeated too closely together - with bride and trials. Find a way to rephrase without repeating yourself.

The only problem, the King is missing from the palace and in his place he left his two best friends, his commander and his adviser in charge, one of Whom’s touch sets her skin on fire and he refuses to leave her alone. This is a run on sentence, whom shouldn't be capitalized, and he sounds vaguely stalkery.

With demons from hell on the loose trying to eliminate the fiercest competitors and someone using forbidden blood magic to control them, Elysia's journey becomes a struggle for power and survival. What do the demons have to do with anything? Who released them? Wasn't her journey already about power and survival? And why are the trials still going on if the King is missing?

The deadly plague, debarred magic, hell demons, forbidden attractions, and obscured secrets that challenge her understanding of actuality becomes the least of her problems when she uncovers secrets that may change her perception of reality and threatens to challenge the very foundation of her identity. Way too vague. Secrets that threaten to undermine someone's identity / purpose are pretty common in the genre, so you need to be clear about what happened, and why it matters, and how your plot point is different from everyone else's

“Shadows of Destiny” is complete, with a potential to become a series, at 100,000 words and is perfect for the fans of Fairytale by Stephen King and Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse.

Before being a writer, I am an avid reader who loves to read books especially of Fantasy and Romance genre. Being almost Twenty-one years old didn’t stop me from pursuing my passion, I have written many stories over the last decade but none of them felt worthy of being published until, “Shadows of Destiny”.

I am confident that once you delve into the world of “Shadows of Destiny” you will be captivated by its rich tapestry of characters and gripping storyline. I would eliminate this paragraph. Of course you have confidence in your own story and believe the agent will be captivated. It's assumed.