A 2013 Class Reunion with Rae Carson, Madeleine Roux, Michelle Gagnon and Sherry Thomas

Mindy: Welcome to Writer Writer Pants on Fire, where authors talk about things that never happened to people who don't exist. We also cover craft, the agent hunt, query trenches, publishing, industry, marketing and more. I'm your host, Mindy McGinnis. You can check out my books and social media at mindymcginnis dot com and make sure to visit the Writer Writer Pants on Fire blog for additional interviews, query critiques and more as well as full transcriptions of each podcast episode at WriterWriterPants on Fire.com. And don’t forget to check out the Writer, Writer, Pants on Fire Facebook page. Give me feedback, suggest topics you’d like to hear discussed, and let me know if there is someone you’d love to see as a guest.

Mindy: We are here with a group of ladies that I met 10 years ago when we all were touring together, and at least for two of us, it was our debut year. And we very recently discovered, I guess in some ways because we're not math people, that it had in fact been 10 years. So we are doing a reunion episode. We're going to talk about what it was like then and what it's like now and things that have changed in publishing and the world in general because I want to talk about social media. But first we're going to start... Everybody go around and say who you are and what you're probably best well known for.

Sherry: My name is Sherry Thomas. I write a bunch of everything. My first book came out in 2008, and I wrote a bunch of historical romances. While at the same time I was writing these romances, I also wrote three young adult fantasy trilogy, for which I went on tour with you guys. Nowadays, I'm probably best known for writing historical mysteries. I write the Lady Sherlock Historical Mysteries, which is a gender bending Sherlock Holmes, and that's what I've been doing since like 2015 or '16.

Rae: I'm Rae Carson. I can't believe I've been doing this for over a decade now. Thanks for reminding me, ladies. I guess I'm probably best known for The Girl of Fire and Thorns trilogy and some Star Wars. That's all I'm going to say right now.

Madeleine: I'm Madeleine Roux. I am the New York Times bestselling author of the Asylum series. This tour that I went on with all these ladies was my young adult debut. I had written a few zombie novels to absolutely no fanfare or recognition previous to that, but Asylum kind of blew up. Which was cool. I've done a bunch of other young adult horror since then and then also transitioned into doing adult science fiction, adult romance, and some, you know, intellectual property stuff. I've written for Star Wars, World of Warcraft, Dungeons and Dragons, Critical Role.

Michelle: My name is Michelle Gagnon. I am the author of the young adult trilogy, Don't Turn Around series. And also just had an adult novel come out a couple of weeks ago called Killing Me. That's the first in a new series, and it's kind of a feminist neo noir thriller.

Mindy: Can you repeat what you're best known for? That was a great line.

Michelle: Yeah, no. I'm best known for being the oldest of this crew.

Mindy: Yeah, we all toured together in the fall of 2013. I guess I should say, I'm Mindy McGinnis and my debut novel was Not A Drop To Drink. And so we were traveling together for that, for me on my end. And I remember being really excited. I guess this is the first thing that I want to talk about is I remember just being like, "Oh my God! I'm going on tour, and this is going to be fantastic." And of course, Rae was established and well known. You know, Rae is a big name in YA, and Sherry and Michelle are going to pull the adult audience. And then Maddie's new book, people were talking about it already. And I was like, "Oh, man. There's going to be like a million people at every signing." And I distinctly remember walking into our very first signing and Rae turning to me and saying, "You know there's going to be like four people here, right?" And I was like, "There's five authors. How can there only be four?" And yeah, there were four fucking people there. So, I guess if you guys... Would you like to talk a little bit about expectations? Not necessarily our tour, but in general when you're, when you're putting yourself out there and how expectations are really... Can be very different from reality.

Sherry: I have always feared book signings. It might have been an irrational fear, but I think it's actually a very rational fear because my first impression of a book signing, my first understanding of a book signing, was when I was a teenager, and I was lingering in a bookstore in Baton Rouge. I think it was like Books-a-Million that had just opened back then. I just remember in the central aisle of that bookstore, a man was sitting at this table and every time I walk by he would look hopefully at me. You know how it is. If you are a teenage girl and a grown ass man is just looking at you, you feel a little weird. Like. Like, why? You know? So finally this man left. And then I went over to where he was sitting and look at the little plaque on the table, and it says... Oh, apparently he was there to do a book signing. And this whole time I was there walking...

Madeleine: He just desperately wanted you to notice him.

Sherry: Exactly. He just desperately wanted me to even stop and ask what he was doing. Ever since that point in my life, I've always known deep in my heart, I mean front in my heart, that book signing can be a deeply isolating and humiliating experience. Which is the reason I almost never arranged for book signings for myself.

Madeleine: Yeah, they're hell. Like, truly just a nightmare. I think my first one ever, when I was fresh out of college and my first, Allison Hewitt Is Trapped, my first book came out. I actually got a pretty decent turnout. I mean, a lot of it was friends, let's be honest. But like, you know...

Mindy: Right.

Madeleine: Just having your own crew there, it kind of tricks people into thinking you're something. So then more people will sit down. Which is a great thing to know, by the way, if you're like new to this and you're... Always bring some people because then at least there'll be curiosity. But so it's going pretty well. I do a reading, and then I open it up to questions. And I'm getting some good questions. I'm like, "Oh my God. Like, I'm doing it. This is it. Like, it's not so scary." And then this guy had been kind of lingering in the back ,and all of a sudden he just keeps raising his hand to ask questions. And it's like, uh... Basically you are promoting the devil with zombies. And he was kind of sly at first, but then like, tricked me into keep... Like, I kept calling on him, and he just wanted to harangue me for being a sinner, basically, because it was about zombies. So that was my first public reading experience, and it was mortifying. At least you all were so cool that it was like, "I don't care if nobody shows up. At least we're having a good time."

Sherry: Screw the trolls. My God, screw the trolls.

Rae: I had so much fun on that tour that by the end I didn't give a single shit how many people showed up.

Madeleine: Exactly.

Rae: You all were awesome. It's rare, and I know this from talking to insiders at HarperCollins. It's rare for them to do a big group tour and for everyone to get along and like each other.

Mindy: Yeah.

Rae: Someone always divas out. That just wasn't the case with us. We had all these really strong, really feminist personalities, and we all meshed. And it was delightful. I loved every moment of that tour, and I love all of you. And I love all of your books. And I just did not give a single shit who showed up.

Sherry: I have to say, the last stop was at the big book festival?

Michelle: That was the giant book festival. Yeah. Austin...

Sherry: Yeah. That was, that was good though, because people actually lined up to buy books afterwards. That was nice.

Rae: It's not like we had no audience. We had some decent turnouts. I don't wanna undersell. 

Michelle: We had a few people. 

Rae: It ended up being a pretty good tour, and we did end up selling a bunch of books. The value I got from that tour was meeting you ladies and comparing experiences and talking on the plane and all that stuff.

Madeleine: Everyone had warned me how fucking cliquey YA is, and they're like, "Oh my God. Those women are going to eat you alive." And I was like, I'm terrified. I am not good at conflict. I am awkward, and YA is very cliquey and shitty, but that's why...

Rae: It really is. Oh my God.

Madeleine: It's even more incredible miracle that this worked out the way it did. Because like I went on other tours. Actually, I went on another one that was very good as well, and then another one that was not so great. But yeah, it's like I think the fact that all five of us clicked is pretty astounding given that, like, that is not the norm inside of YA.

Rae: I mean, let's not forget our video.

Madeleine: Can we please forget?

Sherry: That was... That was a very cool video. I think came across it accidentally a bunch of years later, and I was like, "We look good." 

Rae: Right? We looked good man! Come on.

Madeleine: I completely blocked that out. And then you guys were like, "Check it out!" Ugh.

Mindy: It is, it still up? Because I know that it got like... It got pulled off YouTube because of the song.

Madeleine: It had to get copyright striked. Yeah. That doesn't surprise me at all.

Mindy: Yeah. But I remember making it. It was so much fun.

Madeleine: So much fun.

Mindy: I've had the experience of touring. Pretty much every year after we toured together, I toured right up until Covid. And I had like one other where everybody was copacetic, and it was really good. And we actually wanted to hang out together, and we had a great time. But immediately after our tour, pretty much any time I toured with anybody after that, I would be like, "Hey, what's your cell phone number?" And then I would be like, "Hey, let's go out to eat or let's go to dinner. Let's have drinks after the signing." And most people are like, "You know what? I'm good." 

Madeleine: Oh, no. 

Mindy: Don't you know, when you tour, you become friends and you have fun.

Madeleine: Right? This is like a giant adult sleepover that someone else is paying for, right?

Michelle: That's true.

Madeleine: Getting the vibe here.

Michelle: It's funny. I still think sometimes about how like the nicest hotel they put us in was the one we were only in for like three hours in the afternoon.

Sherry: Yes. Yes. I've been trying ever since to find the couch that they had there. That was, like, the best couch I've ever sat on.

Mindy: Yeah, I remember that. That was the hotel that we just took a shit in. Like that was it. Yeah. Basically.

Madeleine: What a glorious shit it was.

Mindy: It was all we had time to do. Like, we go in and we take a shit, and then, like, we basically checked out. And the lady downstairs was just like...

Michelle: She thought we were prostitutes. She was like, 90% sure we were prostitutes.

Madeleine: Have you seen me? No shot. There's no shot she thought that.

Mindy: That was fun. That was kind of ridiculous. Well, that. And, um... I think we were in Denver. I think that was in Denver. But...

Sherry: No, that was in Houston.

Rae: That was in Houston. Yeah, that was Houston.

Sherry: We were to drive from Houston to Austin, and we spent the overnight in Austin.

Rae: Yes. Much inferior hotel. Can I just say? It was a real letdown. To go from that hotel to the one we actually slept in really bummed me out.

Mindy: Did we go to Denver, though, at some point?

Michelle: We did. We did. We went to Denver.

Sherry: I think we were in the Tattered Cover in Denver.

Mindy: Yes.

Rae: Tattered Cover.

Madeleine: I know for a fact we went to Denver because everyone just kept talking about the giant scary horse that's at the airport.

Mindy: Exactly.

Rae: Oh, my God.

Mindy: Okay. So for listeners, there is a ridiculously large, I don't even know how big. Like I don't... Like hundreds of feet. Maybe a hundred. I don't know. But it's huge. There is a huge ass blue horse at the Denver Airport.

Madeleine: Yeah, it's called the Blue Mustang.

Mindy: I just remember driving towards it, and there's nothing. Like everything's flat. And for some reason, one of you was really into the prairie dogs and kept looking for prairie dogs. And it was like either really late at night or early in the morning. And I just remember seeing a humongous horse on the horizon. And I was very tired and we were approaching it, and no one was saying anything about the humongous horse on the horizon. And I was just like, "Oh shit. Am I the only person that sees this thing?" And then finally somebody was like, "What the fuck is that?" It was this humongous horse. But then if you remember, we ended up Googling it, and it's also anatomically correct.

Rae: Yes. Yes, it is.

Mindy: And it killed the artist that made it. Like it's made out of...

Sherry: Exactly.

Mindy: Yes.

Sherry: Exactly. I was in Denver this past spring. And I actually asked my friend if that's true, that, you know, the horse really killed the sculptor. And she said, "Absolutely." Fell over on him.

Mindy: Oh, God. Okay. Yeah. So that was, that was Denver. Like, that's how I remember that horse. And I just remember Googling it and the first return and the images was the anatomically correct close up. And I was like, "Dang!" In terms of just the actual tour, obviously it was so much fun and we had a great time... Successful or not in terms of sales. And I have learned after that that, yes, that's just how it goes. When you show up, you may get 4 or 5 people and you're glad it's not zero. And that has been true for me continuously throughout the...

Michelle: Oh, I'm never glad that it's not zero. I much prefer zero. My worst case scenario is one. One person. That's my own personal hell. Zero. I can just chat with the bookseller for a few minutes and then, like, jet on out of there. But one person. You're both miserable, and you feel like you have to go through it. 

Madeleine: Yeah. You want like zero or greater than ten.

Group: Yes.

Madeleine: Then you can at least like... You'll get some questions. You're likely going to sell a book or two. It's that weird middle of just like enough people that you have to stay and try but not so many that it's going to pay off in any real way.

Rae: Exactly.

Madeleine: My policy now is that if it's less than ten, I'm like, "Everyone has to come sit in the front row and we're just going to have a conversation." I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna put on a big "to do" because I just don't think that's valuable. I also usually tend to pivot to like, "Hey, is anyone here an aspiring writer? Do you have any questions? Do you want to just know about the industry?" Because usually the people who reliably show up to this kind of stuff are aspiring writers or nerdy about publishing, and I think it always ends up better. You always get more out of it. And I think if you can also establish that you're easy to talk to and kind of a chill person, they're much more likely to follow up and follow you on social media or feel like they made a connection with you and then become more of a true supporter rather than just like, "Oh, okay. I went and they did an awkward reading of their first chapter. And then we just kind of looked at each other," you know? So.. 

Sherry: I actively campaign against anybody who asks me to do a reading. I'm like, I don't know why.

Madeleine: Yeah same. I hate it.

Sherry: You know, like...

Rae: Ugh. I hate doing readings. 

Sherry: The audio books sound better. And the book reads better by itself than I can read it. Like, let's just have a chat since we're here. Yeah.

Rae: Yeah. I had someone recently do it in conversation with me. And they hadn't told me they were expecting me to read, and they just handed me the book and I was like...

Madeleine: No! Surprise!

Rae: I was like, "No. That's why you're here."

Mindy: I don't read either. I don't like to read. Typically, if I do read, I use a lot of words in my books. I use a lot of four letter words, and I'm not ashamed of them or anything. But when you're saying them out loud to a room of people and one of them is pussy and you're just like, "eh."

Michelle: That's especially fun when you're in a bookstore and they're having like story time in the next aisle. 

Madeleine: Right. Some family shoppers, you know, wandering by.

Rae: Did a reading last month in a very conservative community. I chose to read a short story I had written that has multiple all caps the word "fuck." And so I basically yelled fuck to my audience multiple times throughout the reading. And afterwards someone came up to me and said, "I think it was good for this community to hear that."

Madeleine: Oh my gosh.

Rae: I'm not sure what that means, but I did get to yell fuck a bunch, so I was calling it a win.

Mindy: I want to talk about social media because Maddie brought up social media. When we first started, so back in 2013, like we had Facebook, we had Twitter, and like I think kind of Tumblr. But it was like that was all we were really doing. I, at least me... It was Facebook and Twitter. And now social media has changed so much. And I don't know about you guys, but I am basically almost not doing it anymore. I just... I almost resent it. Everything is video, and I'm not interested in sharing that much of my life with everyone in the world. So, just like the other day, my boyfriend... We were going to go hiking, and he was like, "Hey." He's always trying to help me out and that's cool. But he's like, "You know, we can make a little video, and you can be like, 'Yeah. I'm getting ready to go on a hike.'" And I'm like, "No. I'm getting ready to go on a hike, and I want to go on a hike with you. And I don't want to think about how I can use that to sell books or create content. I'm just going on a hike with my boyfriend like a normal ass person." So, I don't know. If each of you could talk a little bit about whether you're even still using social media or how you use it or how you think it's changed from when we were working at this ten years ago.

Madeleine: I know that for me... I was actually just talking about this with another author, Mallory O'Meara, who is a total fucking badass. She does a lot of cool nonfiction stuff. But, you know, she was kind of saying like, "Oh, I'm... You know, I'm sorry, I'm so, like, bedraggled. I just... I'm in the middle of a deadline and promoting a launch, and it's just so much work." And I was like, "Yeah, I'm going to be honest. I... I will do, you know... I'll usually do like a giveaway, and I'll definitely like, be like, Hey, it's coming." In the weeks leading up to a launch, I will definitely like take some nice pictures of the book or give excerpts or make some little like, you know, quick little Photoshop things to put on Instagram. But I have just sort of like dropped out of the rat race of trying to be viral, get on TikTok, like that sort of stuff. Because you just really can't compete with the juggernaut of a publisher. If they want the book to succeed, they're the ones who make that happen. And I've just... I have 20 books out now. I've seen this cycle enough times to be like. "Nothing I personally do on Instagram is going to skyrocket this book into the stratosphere because I don't have the hundreds of thousands of dollars that any of the big three publishers have to promote something." 

And so for me, it's sort of like I now have really pivoted to just not agonizing over it, number one. I'm not going to waste a bunch of my money on it, number two. And number three, I'm just going to put my energy where I know I can best control it, which is like the quality of the book. Because I don't enjoy social media. I think if you like it, that's a different conversation, right? If you like, have a natural pizzazz for social media. You like making videos. You like TikTok. I think like, that's great. And you should do it because you like it. But I just think I've gotten real with myself that like, I am a pebble in a stream, right? And so I'm going to put all my energy into the book. Promote a normal amount, but not kill myself trying to, like, go viral. Do something ooh la la. Like, it's just not going to do much is what I've come to realize.

Rae: Things got really tricky for me on social media when I did the novelization for The Rise of Skywalker.

Madeleine: Yeah. I had your back though.

Rae: Yeah, yeah. Some of my friends did, and I will never forget that. Thank you, Maddie.

Madeleine: Always.

Rae: But yeah, like trolls just come out of the woodwork. And they love to make fun of your appearance, especially if you're a woman. They would, like, find old videos, freeze frame the most unflattering frame they could find. Post it on Reddit. It's just... It was just gross, you know? So it reminded me so much of high school. Like you're putting yourself out there trying to impress people who are refused to be impressed. And if anything, you're going to use what you do against you. And I thought, "why would I put myself through this when I've spent so much money in therapy trying to get over what happened to me in my adolescence?" You know, I don't want to go through this as an adult, too. So, I kind of bowed out of social media, and I just mostly post cat pictures because that makes me happy. What Maddie was saying about, you know, when you have a launch coming up, I don't mind doing... Taking some nice pictures of the book. Reminding everyone that I exist. All that's great, but pretty much I feel like my job is done. 

Sometimes I'll get a marketing plan from my publisher, and I have a little resentment about this, because it'll say something like... One of the tick marks is "leveraging author’s social media platform." And I'm like, "No. That doesn't count. I'm not a self-published author. And the reason I'm not is because you're supposed to do promotion and stuff." So I kind of bow out of that responsibility except for the stuff that I think is helpful. Like I should have a cover of my book on a social media profile, you know. That kind of a thing. Like Maddie says, the publisher decides who's going to break out. If they pick you, great. If they don't, there's not a goddamn thing you can do. Why worry about it? I have my close friends I talk to on a pretty regular basis. I have my close but not nearby friends like you guys that I talk to once in a while, and I have my cat pictures. And I find that that's what I need. So I'm happy with that.

Michelle: I hate doing videos. 

Rae: Oh, right.

Sherry: Yeah, I totally echo that sentiment. I barely take pictures or videos. It's just... I don't even have a TikTok account. I don't... I don't think I've ever been on TikTok per se. I've seen TikTok videos either on Twitter or Instagram. I've never been on TikTok. And I totally echo what Maddie said about social media. Everything. I mean, I would echo what Rae said, except I haven't had that sort of exposure to the worst elements online. So, you know, I haven't had any personal experience like that being made fun of and all that. But I just want to say Maddie basically said everything I would have said. I don't think social media really matters at this stage in our career.

Rae: Mmm hmm.

Sherry: I don't think I've posted anything in like two months because I've been writing and because I just don't have anything I want to say to the whole world.

Mindy: I think about it, and I'm 44, right? And I think about... Am I just getting bitter? Am I too old that I'm just like, social media is stupid, you know? It's just like, you know, when my grandparents were like, who wants a color TV? That's dumb, right? So, sometimes I feel like, you know, I am really missing out on something that I should be doing that could be helpful. But pretty much every author that I talk to is like, "No. It's dumb, and I don't do it anymore." And I don't know. I just... I find that really refreshing because I too Rae have had so many conversations with my publisher. They are supportive. My publisher is actually super supportive of me and I've always feel like I have...

Rae: Yeah, you got lucky.

Mindy: Yeah, I did. And I've been with the same editor for, I mean, gosh, since 2015. I've had the same editor...

Rae: Yeah, I mean... That never happens.

Mindy: Yeah, I know. I'm very fortunate. So I actually do have my publisher in my corner, which is really, really cool. But I am not the kind of person... And we've had conversations and they've been like, they're always supportive of "Don't do anything you're not comfortable doing." Guys, if you want me to do more social media, I'm just going to be like kind of an asshole all the time. And we're just going to broadcast that. Because that's who I am and that's how I act. And I had actually texted my boyfriend. "I am so frustrated that I feel like I should be doing more, but I also don't want to. And my new plan is that I'm just kind of going to be an asshole all the time. And if there's videos of it, fine." And he was like, "So the NEW plan is to kind of be an asshole all the time?" Like, you really don't need to comment whether or not it's just like an old plan or that's always been happening. It is interesting that you guys all feel similarly about social media and like, you know, we're all still here and we've been here. I think that's...

Madeleine: I think it's a bizarre demand or expectation to have of like... You picked truly the most solitary...

Michelle: Yes. 

Rae: Mmm hmm.

Madeleine: Anxious, weird job that like... Of them all. And then it's like, hey, and we really need you to be charming, gregarious, put yourself out there, be vulnerable, engaging. You know, really like hook into youth culture. And you're just like, I never did I ever give the impression.

Rae: Remember being on stage at the festival?

Mindy: Yes. 

Madeleine: Right. Yeah, yeah. It's just this... Yeah, it's really strange. 

Rae: What does that have to do with writing? We were just like playing games for the entertainment of children, which is something they would never ask adult authors to do.

Madeleine: Right. And also the idea that, like, books and YA books don't appeal to the kind of kids we were, right? Which is like, you're inside. You're an indoorsy type. You like... You're kind of weird.

Rae: A little bit cerebral. A little bit introverted, maybe.

Madeleine: Yeah. You're like a little anxious mental health bomb, and you just want to sit in your room and escape for a while. It's just really strange that there's so much pressure put on our type of artist, you know what I mean, to do this kind of stuff when that's like never been what was on the tin. And it's always funny to me. Sometimes I'll play this game where I'll think of authors from like a much older generation that I love, right? And that I grew up reading. And I'll see how many of them even have like a single social media presence, and none of them do. Right? And that was never part of what was expected in the past. So, it does make me feel a little better that I'm like, "Well, okay, A. S. Byatt doesn't have a Twitter, you know?" And you're just like, these are people that I look up to and really aspire to have a career like. So it makes you feel like it's not hopeless. And I'm not trying to, you know, shit on people who do like doing this stuff or have a knack for it. I desperately wish I did, but I have... It takes so much energy just to write three books a year that o then also be like, "Hey, let me devote an equal amount of time to promoting it, even though there's just no demonstrable benefit." I don't know. I can't get myself there anymore.

Sherry: Yeah. For me, for me, social media has always been a professional requirement. As in like, I never would have signed up on my own to do this. So, I always viewed it as work, and I try to do as little work as possible.

Mindy: Rae, I'm really glad that you brought up that festival that we were at where we were basically like, we played charades. And we played... I don't even know what the fuck we were playing. But we played games in front of, you know, like a thousand teenagers so that they could laugh and have fun. And they did. And like, ultimately, I had a little bit of fun myself. It frustrates me. I almost balk when I'm introducing myself to someone and I say I'm a writer, and they ask, "What do you write?" I actually just have come to a point where I talk genre and I don't say that I write YA. Because I am just so used to being dismissed out of hand when I say that I'm a YA author, and I hate that.

Sherry: Well, you haven't been a romance writer.

Mindy: Yeah, that's true.

Madeleine: Try being that too, and then also trying to go into like science fiction. And people are like, "You need to leave." Like, you do the two things we hate the most. Please get away from me.

Mindy: I guess I struggled with more at the beginning of my career, and I was like, "Man. Nobody takes me seriously because I'm YA author." But then at the same time, I am running around on this stage with a funny hat on and trying to make people laugh. So, I guess if I am... Want to be taken seriously, maybe I need to stop playing 20 questions on stage for a laugh.

Michelle: For the record, though, we did. We did kill. We killed.

Mindy: We did.

Madeleine: Yeah, we did crush.

Michelle: We crushed.

Rae: We won every game we participated in because we were all... 

Michelle: We won. We just... We made that other team from... I don't remember if they were from Putnam or Simon and Schuster.

Madeleine: I mean, we put them in the dirt. They didn't have a chance.

Michelle: We... We made them cry.

Mindy: I felt bad for them.

Madeleine: Yeah, we had to, like, guess, you know, like, what each other would answer to certain things, and...

Michelle: It was like the dating game. And we loved each other, so we... We killed.

Madeleine: Yeah, we actually had, like, gotten to know each other. There wasn't a bunch of weird tension. So we actually did pretty well. I also... Like, I've noticed of the people who seem to be very, very successful on social media, particularly in the YA space is like.... It also coincides with just incredible success, right? Your book is constantly on the... It's constantly charting. It's a guaranteed hit, and it's like, you know, "oh, let me like film myself opening my royalty check." And like, check out... Look at my, like, look at this fancy new place I bought with my money. And it's just like, that is so alien to me. And so, like, it also... Look, do what you want, and it's clearly working for them. So I should maybe take a lesson. But to me, that just hooks into influencer culture and like flex culture in a way that I find really disgusting. Especially because, like, I never got into this for the money. Like, I never... I never started doing this because I thought, "Oh, this is what's gonna make me rich and famous," right? I just...

Rae: That was a wise choice on your part.

Madeleine: Yeah. Thank you. Thanks. Yeah. Um, but, like, you know. I mean, there's always that dream, right? And I... And I think that's great. I think you should keep the dream alive. But it's just, to me, it's such a weird interpretation of what this lifestyle is. And it... I get that it appeals to teenagers because they are also very hooked into flex culture and, you know, flash and look at my cool author life. But I guess for me it's really hard to reconcile that, right? Where it's like, Well, yeah, you do have a 1 million people following on Instagram because your books are always supported by your publisher and are always given the biggest budget. And that doesn't mean they're bad. I'm not trying to imply that they're bad books. I'm just saying it's like... It's very easy to maintain a happy, upbeat, flashy, sexy social media presence when it coincides with unimaginable success.

Sherry: It's like the chicken and egg. Actually, it's not. It's... It's simpler than that.

Madeleine: Right, I don't think their book's not famous.

Sherry: It's not like their social media... It's not like their social media made them. It's them that made their social media.

Madeleine: Not a one of them did the social media predate their book success, right? It's not like they made themselves famous by having such an incredible social media presence. It's just that like, yes, it's very easy to show off a cool, attractive lifestyle that people want to follow when your books are that popular. And it's like a self fulfilling thing, right? It's like if someone already has a huge name in the industry, then yes, their book coming out will almost guarantee success. And it just like... It just kind of dominoes that way. So... And that's, I'm not like bitter about that. Like, I know that because I have a New York Times bestselling book, I can get a lot more money when I am doing a book contract. That's just a fact of the industry. But I think when you're talking about maintaining this career over a long period of time to try to also maintain a just like, relentlessly upbeat attitude about it is asking a lot.

Mindy: Yeah. Yeah. I'm sitting here. I'm recording this in my bedroom, and I had to wash all of my, you know, bedding and everything today because it's really nice out here today. And so I hang it all out on the wash line. So everything smells nice. But I'm sitting here, and I'm looking at my mattress. And I'm just thinking, you know, if I shot a video right now... So my dog sleeps with me, and I can see at least two urine stains on this mattress. And then also, you know, I'm a female, and I menstruate. 

Madeleine: Is this an intervention? Are we like... Is this a Hoarders episode? What's happening?

Mindy: Oh, no. It's just my daily life. So, it's like I have this shitty mattress that's covered in stains, and there's literally... Like, my dining room has a hole in the ceiling that has insulation dripping out of it. And that's what I said to my editor when they talked to me about maybe trying to do a little more action in social media. And I was like, "Yeah, I can totally show you my like, piss stained mattress and the insulation."

Rae: Is that what they... Did they specifically request that?

Madeleine: It kind of fits the vibe of your books though. Like, let's be real. It's...

Rae: I think you're getting... I think you're getting confused. That's like an onlyfans thing. That's not a...

Madeleine: It's like a performance art situation where you're like, "I'm just going to live my books."

Mindy: Well, I kind of do. I mean, that's just... I write the way I write for a reason. My life is pretty stark. And so it's just like maybe... Like, guys, you don't want me being on social media the way you think you want me on social media. I mean, like I said, we're just going to go back to kind of an asshole all the time, and I'm just going to be like, "Yeah, see that hole in my ceiling? Pay me more. Okay." You know, it's just... I don't know. It's bullshit. Um, Michelle, you said something interesting that I'm going to hook onto real quick. Um, you said... You mentioned only fans. So I really do feel like at this point in time and the internet and everything being what it is, the only thing that actually sells is sex. I just feel like sex is where it's at. And if you want to promote yourself, you either have to be, um, you know, young, attractive, flirty, open. I don't know. Doing something different than what I fucking do, you know what I mean?

Rae: Can I weigh in on this? Because all of you are beautiful and could do lots of TikTok videos, but you'd have to put so much effort into it. You get the right filter, you know. You have to do the lip purse thing. You have to do your makeup just right. It's just... I find it all kind of gross. 

Michelle: Yeah.

Madeleine: I also think that TikTok Booktok can be kind of a scam. I've noticed a lot of the people who, like, tend to get big followings. I just see the same like five books in every genre getting pushed. And I'm like, I don't know that there's really like space for everyone here and, you know, do what feels right. But again, I just like... I will always come back to the fact that, like, Harper Collins has an astronomical amount of money to spread around to support different authors, and they have to make decisions just like every company does. But that decision at the end of the day is what's going to decide. You know, like I pick up books all the time that I read. I'm like, this is fucking incredible, and I don't know a single other person who's read it or talked about it. This person has like no social media presence. They like... This book is not a success, and it should be, right? And it just... It always goes to show you like it is not a meritocracy. There are a million incredible books that will never get the recognition they deserve.

Mindy: Yep.

Rae: There's this myth, I think, that what happens on social media is somehow organic and impulsive.

Madeleine: Yes. Yeah.

Rae: But even TikTok and Instagram, those big influencers are paid. They are paid by HarperCollins to promote certain books or whatever. Which is not to say that some word of mouth doesn't happen. Of course it does. But the myth that social media is a completely organic thing, that your book, word of your book, can spread like wildfire with the right social media presence is completely wrong.

Mindy: We're just talking about the oversharing part and also the pressure to look good in order to really do well. And it's like I don't give a fuck. It's like I, I don't care in my regular life. I'm not going to... I'm not trying to impress anyone with what I look like. I don't care enough to do that. And I'm certainly not going to do it for strangers. It's just not who I am. So, it's just not a fit man. It's not. I'm not interested.

Rae: Now, for some people it is a good fit. I think Maddie was making the point earlier, if you love it, do it. And I think too glamming up for social media is like a creative exploration for some people.

Mindy: Yeah.

Rae: And I wouldn't want to, you know, shit in someone's chocolate pudding and tell them they couldn't do it. But it's not for me.

Mindy: No, it's not for me either. Yeah. Like I said, I'm on this mattress, and I have dirt under my fingernails because I was gardening before I came in. And I got a sunburn.

Michelle: You just... You're just painting such a gorgeous picture. I can't...

Madeleine: If you need help...

Michelle: Party at Mindy's house. On the mattress.

Mindy: Yeah. I mean, I set this up because it's actually a cry for help, and you guys need to help me.

Madeleine: I was like, just be clear, right? If you need something. We all showed up. So... 

Sherry: A Go Fund Me for a new mattress for Mindy.

Michelle: Yes. 

Mindy: Just a quick... I mean guess it's a lot to ask someone to cover your shit for a decade real quick, but it's... What have you done since then? Where have you been? What are you doing now?

Michelle: Oh, I can go. So I moved from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I got married a second time. I went back to school for a master's degree in clinical psychology that I'm just finishing now. So I'm...

Mindy: Wow.

Michelle: Yep. I'm doing therapy sessions at the LA LGBT Center with their youth and homeless kid outreach. That's... It's been a big decade, man. It's been a lot of stuff.

Sherry: Wow. Thank you. Thank you for the work you're putting in, Michelle.

Michelle: Yeah, no worries.

Rae: You still writing books, Michelle? 

Michelle: I stopped for a while. I kind of... I went through, like, a real bad writer's block right before the pandemic and then during, and I really kind of thought I was done, and then during the pandemic, I had an idea. And I wrote the book just for fun as kind of like an escape hatch for me and ended up selling it like right around the time that I was going back to school. So, for the last two years almost, I've been kind of working on the book and working on the sequel and working on school and doing the clinical hours. And then I've got this damn family that I'm trying to like, keep alive.

Rae: That's a lot, Michelle. That's a lot.

Michelle: Yeah, it's been... It's been a lot. And, and you'll all appreciate this since I know we have a lot of proud pet owners here. I've now have three dogs and two cats. Yeah. Not, not by choice. So I'm just kind of, you know, running a small petting zoo.

Madeleine: Yeah, I'll go. Umm, let's see. Ten years. Uh... I live in Seattle now and have for, like, eight-ish years, I think, we're coming up on. And I love it here. That I've done a lot of work for in sort of the nerd space lately. Um, I did a book for... I did two books for World of Warcraft. I did, um, a Critical Role tie in that came out in November. And I've been doing a series of middle grade Dungeons and Dragons books that I am absolutely in love with. And that will... The final one, it's done. It's, it's just sort of in production. It comes out next year. I've put out a bunch of YA horror - two complete series and then a standalone. And then I'm actually today working on the follow up, which hopefully will be out sometime next year. I'm not sure. We'll see. And I also started publishing in romance. I published two books in adult sci-fi.

Sherry: Are all these books traditionally published? I mean, I know your intellectual property ones definitely are.

Madeleine: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

Sherry: But are the... Are the YA, the romance, the sci fi, they are all traditionally published?

Madeleine: Yeah. Penguin Random House, Harper... Oh, shit. I'm going to forget someone, and they're going to get pissed. Del Rey. Yeah, they're all traditionally published. I haven't self-published anything. Um, it's all traditionally published. I had my 20th book come out in November. That was pretty darn cool. I'm just keeping up. I had... I had kind of a tough year. I had a family tragedy in August. So, I've slowed down a little bit this year. I'm only writing like three books this year instead of, instead of however many I usually do. So but, you know, it's... It kind of goes in cycles. So this year is like a slow release year. And then next year, like uh 400 things come out. That's how it goes. It's like a year where you don't see anything from me, but I'm like busy, busy, busy typing. And then the next year 4 or 5 books drop. So, um... Yeah. So that's what I've been up to. And yeah, I live with my, my two doggies and my partner in Seattle and just living, living the life, you know.

Rae: I'll go. Um, I wrote another YA trilogy, a western. That was a lot of fun. Wrote some Star Wars, couple standalones. Moved to Arizona because I decided I was done with Ohio and stupid Ohio winters. That didn't take, but that was good. It was a good move. We like it back here in Ohio. We like where we live. It's really great. There was a feral cat colony here when we arrived. So, I now have five cats. Five accidental kitties. A couple of them were planned, but that's okay. I love cats. So, I'm living my best life. Um, I had a... I had a rough career moment a few years ago because Covid hit right when two of my hardcovers came out.

Michelle: Oooh.

Rae: And so they went out into the world and then the shutdowns happened. And one book did okay because it was in Walmart and stuff. It was a Star Wars book. It was... It did okay. Not great, but whatever. But the other one didn't even hit shelves. It was... It got to the bookstores. The bookstores weren't open. So they sent it right back to the publisher.

Sherry: Oh, my God.

Michelle: Wow.

Rae: And then the book after that, which I was already under contract for at that time, was about a worldwide pandemic.

Madeleine: Oh, no.

Rae: And I had a come to Jesus meeting with my publisher. Is this really the right book for this time? I can give you something else. We don't have to do this. They assured me that they wanted to move forward. They loved the book, which was really sweet, but it did as expected. I just... I couldn't get traction with marketing. No one was excited about promoting a pandemic book during a pandemic for some weird reason. So my career took... I'll just be honest, it took a hit. And I'll be recovering from that, I think, for a while. I do have a book under contract, but I kind of had to... Between that and some the Star Wars trolling I got and a few other things, I had to take a mental health break from writing. And my publisher has been... 

Michelle: Good for you. 

Rae: very supportive, but I'm starting to get back on the wagon. And I hope that about a year from now I'll have another book come out finally. So, other than the writing, everything is great. I'm happier than I have ever been. I love my life. I have a great partner. I love my house. It could not be better. So, I actually have no complaints when all said and done.

Sherry: You did say you moved back to Ohio.

Rae: We were just lonely, you know. We got there and we didn't make friends because no one was going anywhere.

Michelle: Yeah.

Rae: So we moved back and now we have family and friends again and it's great. And I think we're probably going to stay here forever. Sherry, your turn.

Sherry: I was sort of, you know, occasional YA writer. So, most of my career has been in books for the adult commercial market. I published my first romance in 2008 and my last one in 20... Last Historical Romance in 2013 or 2014, I think. And at that time I was like, I'm basically out of ideas, and I wanted to switch genres. And I got lucky in that 2014 was when um, or 2013 was probably when I was trying to make the shift, that was when publishers were losing romance writers in droves because self-publishing was so good back then.

Mindy: Yeah.

Sherry: And so they actually didn't even ask me any questions. They didn't do any push backs. I said I wanted to write a gender bending Sherlock Holmes book, and they said, "Here's a three book contract. Go have fun with it." So, that's where I got lucky. I didn't have anybody who said, "No. We don't want you to change genres" or anything like that. So I managed to change genres without any resistance, and the books were well received. And I am at the moment writing book eight.

Madeleine: Oh, that's fantastic.

Sherry: Yeah. So when I was writing romance... I mean I was like making put food on the table kind of money, but it was always uneven. It's wildly unpredictable how each one of my books will do.

Mindy: Yeah.

Sherry: There's just no telling. Like, one would do well, and the next one would be like, you know, half the sales and whatnot. But with the mysteries, it's been much more even and it's been like.... I was like, wow! You can actually make steady money in publishing. So it hasn't been a bad decision all around, but I would like to write other stuff also. Just see. But I really envy Maddie that you can be so productive. On the other hand, I think maybe it's good for me not to write so much because I think my brain has an automatic shut down button. It just... It will work this much and no more. Like on any given day or any given month or anything, it just will shut down. On the flip side of that, I've never really had writer's block or when I seriously couldn't write. I just cannot write that fast. That's all.

Madeleine: I've definitely transitioning to slowing down a bit. You know, a lot of self work and therapy has shown me that, you know, kind of doing so much was trying to just fill the hole in my soul that cannot, cannot really be filled with that kind of stuff. I hit burnout real bad this fall. I was just... After my brother passed, I was just sort of like catatonic for months and barely wrote a word. And it was like, "Oh, like something's wrong, wrong," and not just because of like, grief. But like I was doing too much, and it was a wake up call. So, I think I'm really looking forward to a more sort of balanced approach to this job and not just saying yes to everything. Saying yes to myself, and to what I feel actually called to do. So...

Mindy: Yeah. I had a similar experience. I've been doing well. I've been doing just fine. Book a year in the traditional market under my real name, and you know, just kind of trucking along with that. I started writing under a pen name with a couple of friends in self-publishing, and it did okay. Not great, but, you know, just something to kind of do on the side. And I had like in the past ten years, right before Covid, I went through a breakup. So it was the person that I was dating when we all went on our tour. We'd been together for like 12 years, and it just fell apart like very suddenly. Like within a space of 24 hours, and he was gone. Like, he left and took his stuff. And so that happened. And then my dog died, and then Covid hit. And it was just like breakup, Covid, dog died. It sucked. It was not good. But writing, keeping myself very, very busy with writing, was what, you know, kept me going, like through the pandemic. But I got a puppy, and I got a new boyfriend. And, you know, everything just started, you know, from scratch. Mattress is still the same. But, you know, it's like...

Rae: We gotta... I'm willing to chip in for a new mattress. Who is with me?

Michelle: Sure.

Mindy: The sad thing is, is this mattress was actually... It's not that old. It's just that I, I'm not careful with my things. All my stuff. Everything I touch breaks or dies. Like, that's just where we're at. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, I've been doing well, but much like Maddie I had, um, last fall was actually like super tough for me. I made the decision, because I was in a very, very good relationship and things were really good and I was like, You know what? I probably don't need these antidepressants anymore. Not realizing that having been on them for 15 years was one of the reasons why I was doing better. So I just like.. And I was, you know, safe. And I tapered, and I did everything the right way. And I was fine until about two months off of them. And it was like jumping off a cliff. It was really bad. And I had a book due, and I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. 

And I ended up writing a book. It's the one that comes out next March. I wrote it in about three weeks because I kept putting myself off, and I wrote that book while I was basically having a nervous breakdown. And then I edited it while I was transitioning onto a new medication. I basically felt like this was a dumpster fire, and it was trash, and it was horrible. And this is going to be like, what breaks my career. Luckily, the main character in the book... It's very heavily focused on mental illness. Not through design, but having going through what I was going through when I wrote it. Everyone that has read it for me is just like, "Holy shit! This is your best book yet." I'm just like, "That's cool. But honestly, I don't know what happens in it" because I wrote it... I wrote it in such a state, and then I edited it in, in like a total, like, I don't know, zombie mode of, you know, ramping onto a new medication. Everyone says it's good. I'm going to have to read it if I end up doing tours for it because I don't know what happens in it. But, um. But yeah, so it's like I'm good now. 

Maddie and I actually connected about a couple of things and she gave me some advice that was really good about like handling the depression and anxiety arena. And I'm like, much like Rae, really don't have any complaints right now. Um, and my puppy, who's of course now a full grown man. He's a Dalmatian. And I was just... I was in California just like 24 hours ago, and a Dalmatian showed up, a stray Dalmatia, showed up at our local pound. And literally, because I live in a very, very small community, I literally had like ten text messages and five DMs. People are like, "Oh my God! Gus is at the pound." And I go, and I look at the picture. And I'm like, "No. That's not Gus, but man, do I need another Dalmatian? Maybe" So I mean, that's where I am. Things are good. I just signed a contract for 25 and 26. So, like doing well. And like I was saying, much like Maddie, I... My little period of pretty serious mental downtime made me go, "Okay, what are you doing that you don't need to be doing? And how much work are you putting into places that maybe you shouldn't?" And the returns that I'm getting on the pen name? Probably not worth it. And the work that I put into even this podcast and my blog, it's like... Well, I'm not making money. I need to only do the things that, number one, I want to do. And number two, that secondly, are lucrative. 

So I sat down, and I looked at my income. And I figured out that after my traditional income and my money that I get off of contracts, after that, the place that I make the most money is appearances. I do school visits, and those are just a wonderful experience for me. I love doing them. So I just sat down and, you know, did the math and was like, okay. I need to be focusing on writing under my real name and booking appearances. So, that's kind of where I've been concentrating my energy right now. I've trimmed the excess, and I just have to make sure that all my efforts are going to the right places. And I'm saying this as someone that might go adopt another dog. So, I don't know. Let's finish up by everybody sharing your websites. We already like slammed social media for a while. So if you would like to share any of your social media that you're active on, of course, feel free to do that. But your website or if you have a newsletter that you use. Whatever it is that you use, plug it here as we finish up.

Madeleine: Cool. I am Authoroux on everything that I participate in, which is honestly, truly just Instagram and occasionally Twitter. Although I'm thinking about getting off of that. It's A-U-T-H-O-R-O-U-X, and Instagram is probably where I'm the most active. You can also find... I have a public email address there. If you have questions about the industry or publishing or whatever, I'm happy to take them. And then I have a website Madeleine dash Roux dot com

Sherry: I am at Sherry Thomas dot com. On Twitter, it's just at Sherry Thomas. Facebook, it's Author Sherry Thomas, and I think Instagram is Writer Sherry Thomas. I am equally inactive on all of them, and typically only post like stuff like okay cover reveal, book title, and you know, time to order. And occasionally I will do like you know... Because I cook a lot. We cook almost every day, every meal at home. So and occasionally I will post stuff what I'm cooking, and people who follow my Instagram know that I am the worst food photographer in the world. So, if you want to see some, you know, delicious but spectacularly ugly food, head on over. Otherwise, there's not much content to be had.

Michelle: So, I am Michelle Gagnon dot com. Just my full name. And I think I'm mostly on Instagram which is Michelle A. Gagnon because I had to slide the middle initial in there.

Mindy: Rae, do you have anything you want to share as far as where people can find you?

Rae: Sure. My website is Rae Carson dot com. You know, in addition to this being the ten year anniversary of our amazing tour, it might be the ten year anniversary since the last time I updated my website. So, if you want something kind of vintage, retro, blast to the past, definitely check out my website Rae Carson dot com. Like Sherry, I'm equally unavailable on all the different social media platforms. You can find me at Rae Carson except on Instagram, which I do once in a while. I'm Rae Carson pics. You can find a lot...

Michelle: That sounds so dirty.

Rae: I know, right? The pics you've always wanted of my cat. Just all cat pictures. And I have to say without any bias at all, I do have the cutest cats in the world. So you definitely want to check those out.

Michelle: I feel like "Rae Carson Cat Pics" was probably right there for the taking. It feels like false advertising to me.

Mindy: Yeah. Yeah. I have to say one reason Sherry mentioned food pics, and taking pictures of your food and taking bad pictures. The one time I did a food pic, I had eaten like the best possible meal. I was in Texas somewhere. And I took a picture of like the empty plate, and I was like, "Hey, this is what I ate, and it was awesome." Everybody was like, "That is not how you do this. You take a picture of the food," and I'm like, "No! It's way better if I'm like, Look, I ate all of it, and it's gone now." And everybody was like, "No, you're wrong. That's not how you do social media." And I was like, "Okay, I'm never trying that again."

Mindy: Writer Writer Pants on Fire is produced by Mindy McGinnis. Music by Jack Korbel. Don't forget to check out the blog for additional interviews, writing advice and publication tips at Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com. If the blog or podcast have been helpful to you or if you just enjoy listening, please consider donating. Visit Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com and click “support the blog and podcast” in the sidebar.

Actress & Life Coach Melanie Smith On Moving Past Trauma & The Weight of the Creative

Mindy: Welcome to Writer Writer Pants on Fire, where authors talk about things that never happened to people who don't exist. We also cover craft, the agent hunt, query trenches, publishing, industry, marketing and more. I'm your host, Mindy McGinnis. You can check out my books and social media at mindymcginnis dot com and make sure to visit the Writer Writer Pants on Fire blog for additional interviews, query critiques and more as well as full transcriptions of each podcast episode at WriterWriterPants on Fire.com. And don’t forget to check out the Writer, Writer, Pants on Fire Facebook page. Give me feedback, suggest topics you’d like to hear discussed, and let me know if there is someone you’d love to see as a guest.

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Mindy: We are here with Melanie Smith, who is a former actress who was on Seinfeld as well as As the World Turns, and she has moved on to write a book called Unfinished Business, which I was particularly interested in because it deals with past traumas, especially dealing with your own behavioral patterns and overcoming your own long held beliefs that have been holding you back. And one of the things that I specifically really like about this book is that it is kind of aimed toward an audience that is a little bit older. So 40 to 65. People who are just kind of carrying around their baggage that we've been building up for our entire lives. So let's just start, Melanie, with you telling us a little bit about yourself and how your career transformed from acting into becoming a writer and a life coach.

Melanie: I was out in Hollywood completing a series with actually my best girlfriend, Nancy McKeon. I was offered a new series, but my son at that point was about four years old, and I really felt, at that point, that I wasn't being a great mom or a great actress. Because when I was with my son, I was thinking about my work, and when I was at work, I was thinking about my son. And I finally just said, "I think I need to retire and be a mom." People said, “How did you make that decision?” But it really wasn't. It was a very deep commitment to my child. But prior to that, I had been doing so much work on myself and on my inner emotional life and my past and the work that I was doing and the teachers that I was studying with and the practices that I was activating in my own life became so profoundly meaningful that in some ways I was getting more joy from that work than I was from the acting. When I decided to leave the field of acting and raise my son, it was just a natural transition for me to open a wellness center, which I'm very, very proud of. It became one of the top three in the United States. We worked with people in all different parts of the world and actually all different parts of the globe educating them and how to live their best life and how to evolve spiritually, emotionally, physiologically, biologically, intellectually. And that was just this natural transition. And once that came into my life and became tremendously successful, and at the same time, I got to have my son with me all the time. It just was a natural evolution. I don't know. It was pretty seamless, pretty seamless.

Mindy: I can't imagine the pressures of the entertainment industry on the film and TV end. Obviously I'm a writer, so I operate in a different field. As a female, when you're a writer, looks centric isn't quite as much of an obstacle. Aging isn't quite as much of an obstacle. But I can't imagine having to balance the hustle of being in the entertainment industry, also being a female. Trying to be a mother, and some of the stress and the fallout and just the emotional turmoil of that. One of the things that Unfinished Business talks about a lot is past trauma and healing past trauma. We carry around so much. It's amazing to me. I'm a big fan of therapy. I've... I think last summer I was probably going once a week. It was just where I was. It's amazing to me the things that you don't realize you're carrying around with you. I had a great childhood. You know, idyllic. I think about my childhood and just really doing really well right up until adulthood when I went through a divorce and all of those things. It's amazing the things that you don't realize, even if they're not necessarily traumatic, but things that you don't realize affecting you and shaping you when you're young.

Melanie: It's really fascinating that you said that about having an idyllic childhood. One of the things most of us think... That our childhood, because it wasn't overtly traumatic, that nothing happened to us. But we have to understand that chronic traumas, not just acute traumas... But let's say we had an incredible family life, but our father was disappointed in us every single time we brought a B home, but didn't shine a light on the fact that we were masterful artists. We may have had families that were very, very close, but maybe siblings were pitted against each other. Not in a negative way,.in a fun way. But we don't know the way the internal makings of a child take things personally, right? So, if you have one sibling that's incredible at sports, one sibling, that's incredible at science, say, but the parents really do honor academics over athleticism. You see how there's an imbalance and there's an emotional and a slight dripping of trauma that happens on a daily basis where they feel like they're not winning in that arena of their life. Also, you may have a child that has an incredibly close relationship with both parents, but is being traumatized at school on some level. Maybe the kids are teasing them. Maybe they feel alienated just because naturally they don't belong in the community that they're evolving in. 

So when we go back, and this is part of the work in the book. When we look back on our life, we're not just looking at the big broad strokes. We want to look at the messaging we got, and not only with words but with modeling. So, for example, you may have a mother or a father that behaves in a particular way, and I've had this in both sexes where either the mother was diminished in her role or the father was diminished in his role. And you can take some of that on behaviorally yourself into your own personal belief system and that may make you act towards any goal you want in life to be more diminished. So we want to investigate everything that's occurred in our childhood. That's why we look at it all, and we take full inventory of our life. Trauma, heartbreak, loss, and grief is not just caused by the great events in our life. It is caused by even the slow dripping of anything that might trigger, overwhelm, or freeze the nervous system.

Mindy: Yes, it's almost like a repetitive motion injury.

Melanie: Yeah. There you go. Like wearing you down. That's exactly right.

Mindy: I worked in a public school for 14 years, and I never want to be a teenager again. Man. It's like some people talk about high school being, you know, the best years of their lives or how wonderful it is. And I enjoyed high school, but I never want to do that again. And in particular that terrible transition of middle school/junior high, I think, is just a terrible, terrible time to be alive. We all have to go through it. But you were talking about the things that we don't necessarily recognize as being traumatic. And of course, there are those recurring events, beliefs, or modeling, like you were saying, that we come up against. As an adult, I can look back and I can tell you a just defining moment for me as a human being, but also... I don't believe that our personalities can change, but certainly my viewpoints changed greatly when I got a bad haircut in sixth grade. 

You know, I grew up in a very small town, very rural. I'm from Ohio, and I was just a kid that was confident, and I got good grades. And I was athletic, and I had friends. And my parents were social. So, you know, I was clicking all those boxes, and I was a cute kid. Like everything was fine. My life was really good. I had a high opinion of myself, like in a confidence way, but I also, looking back, needed probably to be knocked down a peg or two. And I got a really bad haircut, really bad haircut, in sixth grade, and it was just this cross-section of everything went horrible. I had just turned 13. All of a sudden I had boobs, which at 13 was not cool. No one else had them, and the boys were terrified. And I was tall. I just... Everything blew up. Like I had the body of like an adult in sixth grade. I had chopped my hair off really short, and I suddenly had horrible, horrible acne. On the social scale of small towns? Tumbled. Tumbled so far. It was really interesting and changed me dramatically. I think I would be a less kind, less empathetic person if that had not happened to me. I ended up at, you know, near the bottom of the social scale all of a sudden because people didn't really know what to do with me. You know, had to climb my way back out of it over the next like six years, and it changed me greatly. And I'm really happy that it happened because I think I probably could have become a fairly insufferable person if I hadn't been on the other end of the social scale, especially in junior high. So those years, those those terrible, terrible years. What are your thoughts on those?

Melanie: Well, I think that's such a great point. You know, we are wired as humans for survival and acceptance. And in the book, I also talk about what I call AACTs, right? Acceptance and approval creates tricks. So we, by nature, adopt masks and AACTs so that we will be accepted into our tribe. If our tribe rejects us, we die. That's the way the brain is wired, right? So I don't know if you remember the movie Mean Girls

Mindy: Yep.

Melanie: Right? Amy Adams character, you know, starts to get heavy, right? And she's in a panic of terror because her AACT was the pretty one. I addressed this in the book because our AACTs are not who we are. If we truly are tethered inside of ourselves. Bad haircut. Bad skin. We all went through it, right? Something happened to us as we evolved. Some people got pretty all of a sudden. It worked in reverse, right? So one of the things that I address in the book is, yes, it is the awarenesses and the shifting of our existence and how we're treated by our tribe and what evolves from that and what AACTs we take on. But it is also how do we learn to love ourselves just as we are, no matter the condition or the circumstance? When we start to identify why we are the way we are, we start to remember the original self. You know, again, I'll give you a simple example. A young person that has a dream of becoming a singer or an actor or a fine artist, but the mother and the father are both doctors. And that person reduces a spiritual journey of purpose and calling on the earth so that they can fit into the tribe. I'll go to school and be a doctor. I won't follow my soul's calling. That is also an injury to the soul. And these are the things that this book is trying to unearth. Who are you originally? What is it that took you off course, right? I talk about reflection and refraction. What is it that marred the smoothness of our soul journey and made our light start to fragment and shoot in directions not intended? That, too, is traumatic. It isn't just these big PTSD events. 

We are trying to know ourselves at the deepest level so that we can design the life that is truly in alignment with who we are authentically. I have people come to me all the time in my practice who are incredibly successful, top 1%, and they will say, "But I am not happy." Because they're not really on their journey. They became successful at something they fought hard for, but it isn't really in alignment with who they were born to be. That, too, is traumatic. That is a heartbreak. That is a loss. So... And you said something earlier, when you talk about being an actress and juggling how you look and how you present yourself to the world and balancing it with family and balancing it with being responsible to your schedule, etc. One of the things that people don't understand in a world where everyone is looking at you, you are so locked in to your identity and your image that as that starts changing, that also becomes a loss issue. When great beauties or leading men start to get old and age, they struggle emotionally. Because who will I be if I don't have that? Will I still be loved? Will I still be accepted? Or am I going to be rejected? So even the things that are great rewards in life can flip and turn into great losses. Great losses can turn into wins. And this book is really to help you diagnose the way you're existing, how close it is to your authenticity, and what it will take to get you on the specific rails so that you move beautifully, smoothly, and rapidly in the life towards your calling and purpose.

Mindy: You mentioned PTSD and...

Melanie: Yes.

Mindy: I think it is really interesting to talk about that subject because I think the term really entered the common lexicon in connection to veterans and...

Melanie: Yes.

Mindy: People that had been to war. People who had been severely injured, lost limbs. And I think that's how most of the population came to be aware of PTSD in the first place. And so we think of PTSD as being a singular event or something truly horrific. And I believe in the DSM, in order to actually be diagnosed with PTSD, you have to have either witnessed a death or been close to death yourself is one of the requirements. I think there are others singular events, but also quite horrific.

Melanie: They're pretty gruesome.

Mindy: They are. Absolutely. And because that is the general familiarity with PTSD, I think people that suffer in similar ways don't even recognize their own trauma. So one of the things that I have familiarized myself with lately is CPTSD, complex PTSD, which is not in the DSM. So it's not a recognized diagnosis. But would you like to talk a little bit about CPTSD and how a person can kind of give the weight that is due to their own traumas?

Melanie: Well, that's a really wonderful point because now what's happening in the world of trauma study is we are looking at different forms of trauma. So I don't know if you've heard there is the big T trauma, right? And then there's the small T trauma. And then there's complex trauma, right? So when we look at children's exposure to small events that are cumulative, we're talking about a complex trauma. When we look at Big T trauma, which is PTSD and then small T trauma, which is what I talk a lot about in the book, which I believe includes heartbreak, loss, and grief. I'm sure you've read the ACE studies and how many childhood events have impacted most all of us. Complex trauma. I like to think of it almost like how moss gathers. 

And by the way, I do want to make a note here. Trauma is not just what has happened to you. Trauma can also be caused by what hasn't happened to you. If you are growing up in a household where you never have a parent home. I talk in the book about one of my clients who, when they were nine years and younger, had to take responsibility for everything that occurred in the house. If something broke, she had to figure out how to fix it. If she needed repairs, she'd have to try to find the money and wait for the repair man and miss school. So these are also things that beneficially never happen to her. She didn't have the support of a parent. She didn't have somebody who protected her. She didn't have somebody who balanced her world. She didn't have somebody who helped her with her homework. Now, in that vacuum of that growth as a child, she didn't have something else to compare it to. Like, oh, they have that or they have this. But in her vacuum, there were things that were missing from her development. That is trauma. That is complex trauma. When we look at the events that happen to children, even parents that can be loving, but maybe somebody consistently has a temper or the parents didn't talk to one another and made the children feel very alienated. So these are all things that can add to complex trauma, and we don't look at them as trauma the way we used to. 

That's why the new definition of trauma and the new definitions of trauma and the leading experts on trauma now that really investigate the population. They're not just making a top down diagnosis. They evaluate the population. They are in the ecosystem. They are starting to recognize that what we see from trauma is people who are traumatized imprint their past in the moment. So if you are in your present moment, and I like to use this as an example... You are in the middle of a discussion with your spouse and all of a sudden you set yourself on fire. You're so upset, and you storm out of the room. You're not walking out on your spouse. You're walking out on your past. You don't want to feel the way you felt in the state of overwhelm. So you leave the situation. In the book, I talk about when that, what I call charge, arises, and you have hot thoughts and your energy system is going crazy. Instead of just storming out and keeping yourself heated, you sit with it and you wonder, "What am I feeling? What is below the surface here? What do I believe about myself? About the situation? What am I afraid of happening here? What have I lost control of here?" And as you start using the symptoms of the wounding, because by the way, trauma is the Greek word for wound. When you examine the wounding, you then can examine what it will take to heal. When you just storm out and just sort of wait for it to pass or hold on to the anger as a sense of power or hold on to the pain as a flag of identity. You want to figure out what was the origin and what am I really afraid of? Am I afraid of death? Am I afraid of shame? Am I afraid of abandonment? You have to get down deep into the internal knowledge that your body holds. It's there. So when we think about complex, it's a lot more complicated than, in a way, not in remedying it but in identifying it. If you saw somebody shot in front of you, you know what happened. But if every day you came home and your mother forced you to look you in her eyes or your father forced you to direct him in a certain way and behave a certain way, those are chronic small T traumas.

Mindy: They are, and you mentioned having a reaction. Like, if you're fighting with a spouse and all of a sudden you become overwhelmed, and you either blow up or storm out. Trauma reactions are very interesting. I am a person who has just always been told that I have a bad temper and, I mean, I'll own it. I do. But I've always been told that I have a bad temper. I wouldn't say that I fulfill it then because it was said to me, but I definitely do have a temper and I can react with anger to things. But something that I came to recognize as an adult was that it wasn't necessarily a personality trait. It was often a trauma reaction. So...

Melanie: That's right.

Mindy: We talk about fight or flight, and recently I've been seeing people add freeze to that, which I'm thankful for because that is...

Melanie: And there's also fawn, by the way.

Mindy: Yes. And fawning. Absolutely. If you could talk a little bit about those four trauma reactions, I think that would be wonderful. Because I think a lot of us probably have those little triggers that set us off and we may have identified it as a negative personality trait when it's actually a trauma reaction.

Melanie: It is, and so the difference between those four... Most people have heard of fight or flight. That's in our language for quite a long time. You know, fight is when you aggressively move towards what is occurring. Flight is when you run away from it, right? Those are pretty basic. Freeze is when your system actually shuts down. It paralyzes itself. That is the reaction. It is a very clever reaction, right, by our mind and our nervous system to protect us. And then there's fawn, which is almost a blacking out. We collapse into the self. We actually drop fully, whether it's an emotional or physiological reaction. 

Now, one of the things that's so incredible about the new wisdom on this, which was pioneered really by Dr. Peter Levine, one of my first teachers, and then really brought to the forefront even more boldly by another one of my teachers, Bessel van der Kolk. Body Keeps the Score is his book, and it's quite brilliant. But one of the things that we understand now is when we freeze or when we fawn, that energy gets frozen in the body. That energy becomes an imprint in our body. And so when it is reactivated in the moment, we actually go back to the past. Our body relives what happened. Now, what's interesting about it is our body doesn't remember what happened. A tiger comes towards you, and you freeze. And that gets frozen. The next time something happens to you, you don't think, "Oh, I'm thinking that's from the tiger that came at me a long time ago." Your body doesn't remember. It just reacts. One of the stories I love that's so beautiful by the Buddha is he talks about the first arrow and the second arrow, and how the second arrow is far more painful than the first arrow. Life is filled with first arrows. The second arrow is how we react to any future arrows that come toward us. If we are still stuck in the emotionality, the pain, the memory, and the energy of the first arrow, the second arrow is more painful because we're braced in the terror of it. So when we have experienced trauma and we freeze or we fawn, and that energy is still trapped in us, every time something... You know, trigger warnings, right?

Mindy: Yeah.

Melanie: That's the new buzzword. Every time we're triggered, that is the past that is imprinted in the present. You know that you have trauma there, and the key to healing from it is not avoiding life. It's releasing the energy that is trapped in the body. And Peter Levine started studying animals to understand why is it that they're traumatized all the time and they show no trauma in their future endeavors? Well, that's because they complete the energy. As humans, we don't. That's the key is starting to understand where the problem is to begin with. I always say to my clients... I won't say, what's the problem? I'll say, What's the pain? Because it does start with pain. And by the way, pretty good idea to try to avoid pain, right? You're not a dummy. It's actually really smart. But we also have to be able to complete that reaction to it. So the next time something presents itself, it presents as the first arrow, not the second arrow.

Mindy: When it comes to those four trauma reactions. The fawning one. Is that something in your experience that tends to appear more in women?

Melanie: No, I think it appears across the board. I think there's just as many men that fawn because it's not an intellectual decision. It's not like, "Oh, I'm macho. I'm not going to fawn. I'm going to freeze or fight, right?" It's really what your nervous system decides and your mind collaborating decide to do in the moment to protect itself. It's very involuntary. They've done studies on situations, shootings, so on and so forth. And they've studied people that were in the group. Why were some traumatized and why were some saddened or broken hearted or emotionally responded to the situation? The ones who were traumatized froze or fawned. The other ones moved into action. So when we freeze or fawn, we tell ourselves, in a subconscious way, we don't know how to manage what's coming at us. When we flee or we fight, we move into action to try to complete it. We feel more empowered.

Mindy: Hm. That's really interesting. I hadn't thought of the fight or flight as being action. Freeze or fawn being inaction. But yeah, they absolutely are, aren't they?

Melanie: Yes, absolutely. Yeah.

Mindy: Some people will just identify... I either flight or I freeze or I fight. Can people exhibit different trauma reactions to different situations?

Melanie: 100%. You may be walking down the street, and somebody comes at you to get your wallet and you bolt. But you might be in a room with a familiar face, and they go to assault you and you freeze.

Mindy: Yeah.

Melanie: So what is the amalgam of emotions that are occurring in the moment? If you are on high alert... Right now, I'm at my house in Naples, and you know, there's alligators here. I mean, you guys, it's not a myth. They're here. And so are bears, and so are panthers, right? So, if I'm just walking out of my house, la la la, innocently, and all of a sudden I see an alligator, I might go into a freeze. But if I walk out of my house and I'm like, "Oh yeah, that's right. I have to keep my eyes open for alligators," right? I may be like, "Got it! Out of there."

Mindy: Interesting.

Melanie: So it depends on the state we're in. It depends on the amalgam of emotions that are occurring inside of us. And this is why I'm saying it is involuntary. You can't say to yourself, "Okay, I got it now. From now on, if anything traumatic happens to me, I am fleeing. Or I am fighting." You don't know. It's not up to you. You go into... And it's interesting. They've done studies on what happens when your heart rate and your blood pressure go really high. And I think Malcolm Gladwell really talks about this in... I forget which one of his books, it might be Outliers, but the fact that we go into an autistic mind. We don't stay present. We don't stay conscious. We are in our primitive reactive state, but we can go into a mind that is not our own in normal circumstances.

Mindy: Yeah, the amygdala is incredibly powerful. I had had some very odd experiences last summer. I went off of my depression medication, and I did it correctly with the tapering and everything like that. And I had been off of it for, I think 3 or 4 months, and then all of my symptoms came back and with a greater charge than usual. And I was having trauma reactions to like, I mean, everything. It was crazy. You know, I was in a lot of therapy. Dealt with things appropriately, but it was amazing to me. I am a logical, rational person, and I could talk myself a little bit out of complete and total panic. But, I knew I wasn't in any danger in certain situations where I would be triggered. It was like, you're okay. Like, you know, you're, you're... It's okay. You're not in danger. But my amygdala is like, yep, there's a tiger. Yep, there's a tiger. We got to go. You know? And it is amazing. Like you were saying, no, it's not a conscious choice. I was able to logic my amygdala down a couple of times, but that took like training and work.

Melanie: It does take training and work. It takes being able to identify the pre-triggers also. For example, oh, my fingertips are tingling. I think my nervous system is activated, and I'm about to have a reaction. And the other thing I want our listeners to realize is when we are taking medications, those medications shift the chemicals in the brain. When you come off of those medications, your brain needs anywhere from a few months to a few years to reregulate. So oftentimes when people come off of these medications, whether they're antidepressants, benzodiazepines, etc, the brain is still trying to figure out how to rebalance its own chemicals. And so oftentimes the reactivity is heightened. I had a client two years ago, I think it was, maybe a little longer. They were coming off several medications and our work together... Part of what I did with them was to remind them that their brain and their body was still recovering from replacement chemicals. About a year after we completed our work, I got a letter saying, I'm blown away by how right you were. Because now I'm off everything, and I'm having no reactions anymore. Because the brain chemicals stabilized. I do want to say this. Anybody who is on medication, please talk to your doctors about it. Do not take yourself... You know what Mindy was just saying about tapering, etcetera, is the best way to do it. And always staying in contact with your doctor, but being able to recognize that the brain and the body need to learn how to regulate itself, you know, while you're recovering.

Mindy: They absolutely do. I want to talk real quickly about trauma and emotional regulation for creatives. So this podcast is very much with a listener base made up of writers and creative people. We do tend to be emotionally driven. So if you have any insight for people that are creatives who tend to have more emotional reactions to things or even those of us that struggle. I mean, you know what it's like when you decide that you want to be in the entertainment industry, no matter what angle you're coming in, whether it's books, music, acting, professional sports. Your window of opportunity and your statistics for becoming, quote unquote, successful are slim. And that is a hard thing to balance with, like you were saying, your path and what you want and who you want to be versus true possibilities and disappointment and all of the things that come along with trying to be a successful creative individual in the world that we live in today. So do you have any insights for that?

Melanie: Yeah, I do. Number one, just by nature, growing up in a culture that is so capital driven, a creative is often shamed. "Why are you doing that? Nobody... Oh, the chances. Why don't you go ahead and do this? You're such a smart blank. You're such a pretty blank. You're such a handsome blank." In my growing up, it was like be a doctor. Be an accountant. Be a lawyer, right? But what we have to remember as creatives is to untie financial reward with the act of creation. Now, those two things may ultimately come together. This is not a conversation about make it a hobby. But what it is a conversation about is as creatives, we must create for the act of creation. If we don't create... If I'm not creating, I am diminishing myself. I don't feel my best. I'm not in my own bliss. I don't have an abundance of joy. But if I'm creating and attaching myself to an outcome, whether that is approval or monetary benefits, etcetera etcetera, I'm damaging the act of creation, which in itself is traumatizing. Because truth tends to be the goal for creatives, and we want our product that comes out on the other side to be our truth. Do not tie that to whether or not someone can monetize it. Because they're separate. So if while you're a creator, you need to find other ways to support your lifestyle, that's one way to be able to balance that. So there's not pressure on the act of creation. I wrote this book because I knew it needed to be written. Even if I never got a publisher. I would use it in my practice. I use this work in my practice when I work with people every day, and I work with creatives all the time. I have literally had doctors, CEOs, teachers, on and on. College professors come to me and move into the second act of their lives because they always wanted to be an actor or an actress or a singer etcetera, right?

Mindy: Yeah.

Melanie: So this work actually has taken creatives to the next level, and gotten broken through barriers and walls and fears and beliefs and behaviors. So that you'll find that when the spirit is free and it doesn't believe anything some culture tells it as rules of society, you cannot believe the ability to manifest that all of a sudden presents. So what I will say, in our society, the creative is always being traumatized. Look what's happening right now with the writers strike and the actors strike.

Mindy: Yep.

Melanie: These people have trained their whole lives for this artistry. And now the world of venture capitalists and finance etcetera are going, "Nope. We want to take all the money. So, we're actually going to try to reduce your role in what it is that we make, and give you no credit for it." Again, shame. You've got to keep creating. Don't let anyone stop you from creating. If you need to bartend on the side or work at a job that you love or find a side hustle or use another... Let's say you're a creative, but you're also really organized, and you can help somebody else in their organization and make, you know, however many dollars an hour. And you do that and then you create the rest of your day and on your weekends until your door opens. But never diminish the purpose and the calling of creating because someone else hasn't told you they'll monetize it. Create because you're born to do it. Write because you're born to write. Tell your truth because you have a truth to tell. Someone has to hear it. And if you do it wholeheartedly and you become great at your craft, something on the other side will happen that will lift it up.

Mindy: That's wonderful. I think that a lot of people need to hear that. I know as someone that struggled for ten years to get published, and I wrote four novels that totally failed, never got representation or anything like that. It wasn't until the fifth one and ten years in trying to get a literary agent that I managed to do it. And just like you said, it was on the side. Write when you're in the doctor's waiting room. Write after... I was working full time. Write at night. Those little stolen moments is what got me through. And now I've been published for ten years. So we're just... We're hitting equilibrium.

Melanie: See, and what I will say is also trust something greater.

Mindy: Yeah.

Melanie: Just because you want the door to be open right now. If that door opened, it might have worked out worse. Maybe that piece of material wasn't as brilliant as the one that came four rounds later.

Mindy: Yep, that's absolutely right. And I say that all the time when I talk about my writing. If the first book that I ever written had been published, it would not have been a good thing. It wasn't good. It wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. I needed ten years. I had to become a better writer. There's there's no doubt about that.

Melanie: Absolutely. And, you know, we think we know, right? But I'm the best right now, right? But the truth of the matter is, and this is something else this book helps you with, is learning how to trust. That trauma, heartbreak, loss, and grief will get in the way of trust. So when you clear all that away, you know, there's this beautiful spiritual saying swaha, which means "and so it is." Where I am right now is where I am right now. I trust something greater than myself. I know that I'm not here alone, and I know that if I just keep allowing the magic that's in me to manifest outside of me, the within is the without. I will be taken on a journey. And probably a better journey than I ever could have imagined.

Mindy: That's the truth.

Melanie: Yeah.

Mindy: Last thing, why don't you let listeners know where they can find you online and also where they can find Unfinished Business, which released on August 8th.

Melanie: Absolutely. So for the book, you can go to Amazon. You can go to Barnes and Noble. Any of the majors, but you can also go to Unfinished Business the book dot com and order direct from there. It'll link you to all the stores that are carrying it at Unfinished Business dot com. To find me, you can reach me at work with Melanie Smith dot com. Work with Melanie smith dot com, or you can find me on Instagram at Melanie Smith official.

Mindy: Writer Writer Pants on Fire is produced by Mindy McGinnis. Music by Jack Korbel. Don't forget to check out the blog for additional interviews, writing advice and publication tips at Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com. If the blog or podcast have been helpful to you or if you just enjoy listening, please consider donating. Visit Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com and click “support the blog and podcast” in the sidebar.

Natural Beauty Author Ling Ling Huang on Body Horror and Modern Beauty Standards

Mindy: Welcome to Writer Writer Pants on Fire, where authors talk about things that never happened to people who don't exist. We also cover craft, the agent hunt, query trenches, publishing, industry, marketing and more. I'm your host, Mindy McGinnis. You can check out my books and social media at mindymcginnis dot com and make sure to visit the Writer Writer Pants on Fire blog for additional interviews, query critiques and more as well as full transcriptions of each podcast episode at WriterWriterPants on Fire.com. And don’t forget to check out the Writer, Writer, Pants on Fire Facebook page. Give me feedback, suggest topics you’d like to hear discussed, and let me know if there is someone you’d love to see as a guest.

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Mindy: We're here with Ling Ling Huang, author of Natural Beauty, which is a body horror genre - which I think is a fantastic way to talk about a genre. It's also darkly funny, and it has all of these different elements working within it to kind of investigate the world of beauty and how far we'll go to be beautiful. So first of all, thank you for being here and if you could just tell us a little bit about Natural Beauty.

Ling Ling: Sure. Thank you so much for having me. Natural Beauty is about this really talented pianist who is at a conservatory. Because of a terrible accident that happens to her parents, she's kind of forced to give up this really promising career, and she lands at this very high paid wellness and clean beauty store. Really drinks the Kool-Aid, but also starts to uncover kind of all of these sinister, dark things about the entire industry as she stays on.

Mindy: Some of the elements in the book are really interesting in that you take elements of the beauty world that exist today, that are actually really familiar, like... How do we keep our collagen going? How do we make sure our skin still has that elasticity? How do we keep our hair in great shape? And you take it to an extreme. So like, for example, one of my favorite things... You mentioned an actual parasite that the beauty store sells that is basically releasing hundreds of mites into people's hair. And it eats all of the dirt and the oil, and it keeps their hair really, really clean and their scalp really, really clean. But they also have a hive of mites on their head. But people are willing to do that. And of course, for an exorbitant price. And I think it is so interesting... You found these fears that we all have. Especially women. Our looks and comparisons and getting older and all of the elements of our lives that are difficult, you just kind of went, okay, what if? How far would we go?

Ling Ling: Yes. That was kind of difficult because there were so many ideas that I had, and then I would do a quick Google and, you know, it would be something that's already in development or used somewhere in the world. If I wanted to make sure this was a fiction novel, I had to really reach, and they are kind of all things that I could see being used in the next 5 to 10 years. I know it sounds kind of gross on the face of it, the whole mites situation, but I feel like I know those people who would love just being able to wake up and roll out of bed with great hair and not need to shower.

Mindy: Of all the treatments that you mentioned, that one was the one where I was like, "Oh yeah, I would do that."

Ling Ling: I feel like I could have used that my entire college experience.

Mindy: When we talk about this book, I often hear it described as body horror and as like a horror novel in this like social sense. So, was that your intention when you first started writing it?

Ling Ling: It definitely wasn't my intention, and actually I didn't quite realize it was a horror novel and especially a body horror. It's something that early readers were saying about it, and that was so interesting to me. But I almost feel like it's impossible to write about a woman's experience, especially in this country, without going into the horror genre. I'm happy with where it landed, but I was definitely surprised and it wasn't my intention.

Mindy: It fits very well there because it is horrifying. One of the things that I particularly enjoyed that I want to talk about as a feminist... One of the things that you point out is that they're all kind of competing against each other in a way. They're friendly, and of course there's a little bit of a relationship with our main character and Helen. But they are also always comparing one another to themselves. And if someone else's lashes are a little bit longer, they're going to go get that silkworm treatment. They're going to tweak themselves to keep up. We do that now. We don't have to have special sci fi beauty treatments. We do that now.

Ling Ling: Yeah, for sure. It's something, especially with like influencer culture and things like that. I teach a lot of young violin students, and so many of them struggle with what they see on the screen all the time. I remember talking to a 12 year old about her eating disorder, and it had gotten so bad. And it's because, you know, you can look at hundreds, thousands of amazingly beautiful people, and you just have this constant desire and need to keep up. And it can feel so overwhelming. And I've definitely seen it reflected in every workplace that I've worked in, whether it be music or wellness. It's tragic because we kind of lose touch with what we actually would want to look like, any of our actual interests, and we get disconnected from our bodies because we're so interested in changing them on a cellular level. Which is horrific. I would have loved to do more of that, maybe even an entire book, because it is so complex. The ways that women love each other and support each other but feel the need to keep up with one another and outdo each other.

Mindy: Absolutely. And it sabotages our relationships with our bodies, but also our relationships with other women. I think that society, especially Western society, does a really good job of making us believe that other women are the enemy.

Ling Ling: Absolutely. It's something I definitely bought into for way too long. I think only in my like early to mid 20s did I start reading enough great feminist writers and thinkers that made me understand that it was just this system that had made us really competitive with one another, and it kept us distracted from all of the real issues that need our attention.

Mindy: Yeah, absolutely. It's a divide and conquer. Patriarchy wins.

Ling Ling: Yes.

Mindy: Something else that I thought was really interesting that you touched on was the idealized beauty being a Western image, a European image. One of the things that our main character changing her appearances in pretty drastic ways, but there isn't a lot of description about her. However, when she is asked to come up with a different name, a less ethnic name to have on her nametag or to use to introduce herself when she's on the floor in the store, which I want to follow up on that in a second, she's asked to pick a different name. And then she has a conversation with another employee that she never thought was anything other than a white woman who actually wasn't, and her appearance had changed so much. And what was what was your intention there?

Ling Ling: You know, I grew up in Houston, Texas, and until like middle school, there was one other East Asian classmate that I had. I would have always wanted to have the main character's trajectory... to wake up with my hair getting lighter. I used so much sun-in and lemon juice. It was something that I would have really wanted. And in many ways, the products that are sold to us at any beauty store kind of uphold this ideal of beauty that is very Westernized and Eurocentric. And so I wanted to take that to the extreme. What if I had gotten everything I wanted as an elementary and middle schooler? What would my life be like now? I think for a long time I just didn't realize that there was something to lose in assimilating. Every time that's happened in my life, when I've achieved some goal that I've been taught to want and which I haven't really questioned, like, Is this what I want? I've been so disappointed that it doesn't actually equal happiness.

Mindy: That is so accurate. Oh, my goodness. I know this is your debut novel, which we should talk about in a second. I was trying to get published for ten years, and it was such a struggle. And last month, my 12th book came out. If 44 year old Mindy could have spoken to 30 year old Mindy and been like, Dude, you're going to be living off your writing income. You're going to have 12 books out. I would have been like, Man, she has her shit together. Like that 44 year old Mindy is on cloud nine. And it's like, no. I mean, I literally have everything I could want, and I still have shitty days.

Ling Ling: Yeah. That's been some of the experience of this. I keep trying to remember like, remember just even a year ago or two years ago how many antidepressants you were on because like you couldn't get an agent? But it's hard because I think I've internalized such a large amount of anxiety that any new opportunity kind of becomes a new opportunity to be anxious.

Mindy: That's the truth, because you have to make a decision. And then it's like, "Oh, I can't do that."

Ling Ling: Exactly. So there's just a lot of anxiety. I remember feeling kind of the same way with getting a puppy during the pandemic. I was like, "This is supposed to be the happiest moment of my life. Why is it so difficult?" I struggled with really bad eating disorders. I would reach like the goal weight that I had set for myself, and I would realize, "Oh, it just means that I'm at this weight. It doesn't make me happy or beautiful or white." Any of the things I had kind of been hoping for and didn't realize.

Mindy: Yeah, we never stop chasing something. I am probably in the best physical shape I've ever been in in my life, and I work out a lot. I probably weigh a healthy weight in terms of like fat versus muscle. I look better than I probably ever have in my life, and I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life. And I'm like, "God damn it, I have gray hair." It's like there's always... We're never happy. We're never happy.

Ling Ling: Are you telling me that women can't have it all? 

Mindy: I am. I am saying this.

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Mindy: I want to get back to talking about characters name, and I want to talk a little bit just about the beauty industry in general. A friend of mine is an esthetician, and she used to work at a pretty high end place where they worked on your face and you got massages and facials and she worked with body hair and waxing and all those things. And she worked at a really nice chain, but like a very high end chain. And she has a very pretty name, and there was nothing about it that was ethnic or anything like that. She is a white girl, and she has a really cool name. And they were like, "You need to pick a different name." And all of the girls on the floor had fake names. It was their work name. And they would give them a list of names and have them pick from it, because there was just a certain style and aesthetic that this particular chain wanted to have with their girls. And that was right down to what your name is. I just think that's bizarre. But it happens in real life. That is just a common practice at this particular chain. When I read that in Natural Beauty, where they have a conversation with our main character about picking a different name and they don't even really sugarcoat it. They just want it to be a whiter name. I just thought that was fascinating. And I know that you have a background that you did work in the high end beauty and wellness industry for a while. So, how much of that informed the book? Like the name changing? Is that an element that came in from real life?

Ling Ling: So I didn't know that that happens in real life. It's just been something my entire life that's kind of been implied to me and to other friends who have East Asian names. "That's an interesting name" or "that's difficult to spell"... Little things where you really feel like you're making someone else's life harder by having the name that you have. And the main character doesn't have a name because growing up, I kind of felt like I was a blank for whatever people's projections were. I do remember in school someone... I think it was like a teacher suggested that I have an English name. What about like Courtney? Yeah.

Mindy: Okay. That's horrible. I want to follow up on what you just said, because as a writer, I was fascinated as I was reading to discover about maybe 100 pages in, maybe 150 pages in... All of a sudden I was like, "Shit! I don't know her name." And then I realized that you purposefully never named your main character. And I was just like, "Oh my God. That is amazing." So I offer editorial services. Because the book is written in first person, when I'm reading first person, I will see people forget to let the reader know the name because it's just not something that comes up often, like in conversation or anything like that. So I actually, as a reader, didn't notice it until I was about a third of the way through the book. I thought it was very clever. Then later on, when she does adopt a whiter name, that name comes into use in the narrative. What was your driver there?

Ling Ling: I don't think about my identity as like a fixed thing, and names have a way of kind of pinning us down. And so at first it started as like, well, maybe not having a name so that everyone can kind of step into this person's shoes. Let's see where that takes us. But then I really liked the idea that everyone in her workplace would just project what they thought onto her as I've experienced so much. And also there is this stereotype often that East Asian people are passive. And so I kind of wanted to play with that and to see how it would shift for a reader to not have the name, the label, and then to have one suddenly. And would it make sense? Would it be really jarring for them suddenly to have such a Western name? It's always interesting when I meet someone and ask them what their name is, and it's something I really don't expect. If I go to a Chinese restaurant or something and they tell me their name is Courtney. And I know that's their work name. In some ways it's good. It probably protects certain people from customers. It's probably a choice a lot of them have made. Most of my friends who have not Western names, we have a Starbucks name because we don't want to have to spell something every time. So that was kind of the decision. And it also helped as a writer to be really close to the main character, to not have a name. 

Mindy: And I think it works for the reader, too. It's like as we're reading, there isn't a very distinct wall between yourself and the narrator. And so I thought that was a really interesting and subtle literary technique that you use there. I enjoyed it. You are a violinist. You perform. You travel. You are a professional musician. In the book, our main character is also a greatly talented musician, but her instrument is the piano. So why did you choose to not use your own instrument in that way? Or do you also play the piano?

Ling Ling: I did play the piano, but pretty poorly. And I quit 20 years ago, I think. My mom's a violin teacher, and my dad's a piano teacher. I think there's always been a little bit of guilt for focusing on my mom's instrument. And then there are so many great piano pieces that I wish I had gotten more advanced so that I could have played. And that's kind of the music that I listen to a lot because I get triggered by most violin music, or it becomes difficult to think about anything else if it's happening. But I love listening to piano concertos and sonatas, and they're really something I love running to. I love writing to. It's also so much easier to romanticize something that I don't do for work. I wanted to talk about classical music because I love it so much, but this kind of removed me enough to do it where it was really fun and felt like I was creating something new.

Mindy: That's so interesting. I also played the piano for a pretty long period of time as a child. I enjoyed it, and I practiced a lot and I was like, good enough. I didn't have any technique. I wanted to play loud, and I wanted to play fast. Those were always my goals.

Ling Ling: Nice.

Mindy: And that's what I did. I mean, I beat the crap out of the keys, and my piano teacher was the kindest, sweetest, like church organist. And she would just be like, "This is supposed to be in this time signature, and it is supposed to be this loud. What are you doing?" And I'm like, "No. Fast and loud. Fast and loud. That's what's great. That's what... I'm doing fast and loud." So it's like I am just not... Not a good musician in that way. But one of the things that I thought you did a great job of illustrating in the book, and people that aren't inside of that world probably aren't aware. But, you know, I would go to competitions and festivals and things like that. And man, it is fairly cutthroat. People are extremely serious about their craft and about their instrument and what they do. Again, as we were saying, women looking at each other as competitors rather than friends. And that's also there for our main character when she's thinking about her past with music and being at a conservatory and the competitive nature of the relationships that she had. Because she was so good, and everybody knew it. And so therefore she was to be hated. She was to be toppled. And it was just something I thought was extremely interesting because even in my limited experience of the music world, just going to competitions and things and meeting people who were so deadly serious about what they were doing. 

And it's like I was a musician, but I was also an athlete. And so it's like I would play sports where you're knocking each other down. You're getting hit with a ball. You're going to bleed. You're going to have scars from your sport. And so I was always kind of like, "Wow. You guys take the piano really seriously." But that's their corner. That's their jam. And they are very serious about what they do and it can mean so much. So, were you using that element of the competition and the comparisons from her childhood and music and then drawing that forward into the beauty world?

Ling Ling: Yes, definitely. I think I've experienced that competitiveness in both of those industries, and I think people in those industries... It can be really cultish the way that people in classical music and people in clean beauty, especially in wellness... It's like a cultish fanaticism toward what they think is good for your body and what they'll allow themselves to spend their time on. It's so intense, and they both really kind of believe the American dream that if you work hard enough, you can get the perfect functioning body and you can get to whatever performance hall you want. I was really inspired by this devotional aspect of both worlds, and I started this novel in my notes app on these long commutes I had between this job at a high end beauty store. And I was just drawing all of these parallels between the world I had just left and the world I was trying to step into. And maybe I'll discover that writing is similar. I don't know yet. But if you want to take something seriously, if you really want to be competitive, there are those people who are like that and you can go as far in that direction as you want.

Mindy: That's very true. I will say I think you will be pleasantly surprised by the publishing world. I have yet to run into animosity or a competitive feel. I definitely have moments where I'm like, "You know, I don't think that book is very good, and everyone loves it." But the truth is that in publishing, in particular, we always say a rising tide lifts all boats. If there's a book that your publisher has printed that is doing extraordinarily well and making millions of dollars and you're kind of pissed because it's not your book and you don't think it's that good... Your publisher just made a lot of money off this book and they might be able to pay you more next time for your book because of this book's success. If a book is out there that you don't really like that well and everybody else does, that book is going to find someone that maybe wouldn't read otherwise and turn them into a reader, and maybe that person will find you eventually. That's just how I've always... Well, I shouldn't say always. I had to come to that. But it's a good way to think about the publishing industry, and I think most of us do operate that way. I hope that you will find that publishing doesn't have that sharks blood in the water feel.

Ling Ling: Most people at a competition or in the music world, you're playing all the same pieces, and the beauty world, you're chasing the same beauty ideal. So and no one is like, you know, writing from the same exact formula for the same character and plot and stuff. There is so much more room. It hasn't felt that way, and I think it's probably unlikely. Don't want to rule it out because of some of the experiences I've had in in music, which is sad.

Mindy: So Natural Beauty is your debut novel. It just came out. What else have you got coming? Are you working on something new?

Ling Ling: I did immediately start working on another book. I think out of Imposter Syndrome. Right after I got this book deal, I was like, "Can I even do this again?" So I started working on something and I think, you know, this debut novel is so personal because I've worked in both industries mentioned. I'm also the daughter of immigrants. I wanted to challenge myself to see if I could write something totally different. The second thing that I've worked on, I don't think that it's truly a horror. But it does stay kind of speculative, and it's been fun knowing less about the fields that I'm talking about. This one is kind of more based in the performance art world, which is a world that fascinates me, but that I have no connection to. I have no idea what a career looks like for me. I just hope that I'll get to keep writing for fun. To have published novels would be amazing, but even just getting to write for fun is really great.

Mindy: Last thing. Why don't you let listeners know where they can find the book Natural Beauty, and also where they can find you online?

Ling Ling: Sure. So Natural Beauty should be in any stores. You can also find it online, Bookshop.org, Audible. I love the person who is reading the audiobook - Carolyn Kang. I love her voice. Instagram is at violing squared. V-I-O-L-I-N-G-S-Q-U-A-R-E-D.

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