by Dr. Lise Deguire, clinical psychologist and author of Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience from a Burn Survivor.
Fifty-four years ago, I was burned in a devastating fire. Just three years ago, I discovered the true story of that fire. That same year, I also lost my mother, the last member of my first family. After she died, after we held her service and cleaned out her apartment, I began to write my book. I had never written a book before. I had no idea what I was doing.
Words poured out of me like water gushing from a garden hose. I woke up and wrote. I wrote every morning before work. I wrote every weekend. I gave up exercising and reading so I would have more time to write. I wrote like a liberated woman, which is what I was. I finally felt liberated to tell my story.
For 50 years, I withheld my life stories. I held back those stories because I knew my parents would be mad at me if I told them. My stories are not the same as their stories. In their stories, they were gifted and brilliant, sexy and fun. And my parents were indeed all those things. But they didn’t keep us safe, me and my brother. They meant to (and it is not always easy to be an effective parent). It is even harder to be an effective parent if you are absorbed with your own needs, to the point that you can’t prioritize your children. . . to the point that you can’t see that your children are suffering. . . to the point that your children are in grave danger and you. . . look away.
What are these stories? There is casual carelessness. There is neglect and abandonment. Also, fun and adventure. Music and travel. Stunning genius. (Them! Not me). Tragic suicides, searing pain, and more loss. Emotional healing and rebirth. Plus, you know, that fire. It all began with that fire.
Tension burns a different kind of fire inside me now. Who am I to share these secrets? Is it wrong? Will I regret this? Am I a bad girl, daring to speak ill of my parents, whom I also love? And yet. . .
I need to speak the truth about what I have gone through. I need to tell the truth about my brother and how I lost him. I need to speak the truth for my own wholeness and for the blessed memory of my brother, Marc. I survived my childhood; he did not.
Far beyond my own need to be true, I believe the truth helps people. Many people have suffered through stories like mine, and much worse. Those of us who suffer and get well can build a recovery roadmap for those who suffer now. Our roadmaps can point others toward the direction of healing. I hope my roadmap, my book, Flashback Girl, can help people trying to heal from tragedies and build themselves a better life.
Dr. Lise Deguire is a clinical psychologist in private practice for over 20 years and the author of Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience from a Burn Survivor. Her memoir is earning rave reviews and is available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Newtown Book Shop and The Commonplace Reader. The lone surviving child of unsettled and iconoclastic parents, she grew up all over New Jersey and Long Island. Following a horrific fire where she suffered burns on two-thirds of her body, she spent much of her childhood alone in a Boston hospital, undergoing countless surgical procedures. Dr. Deguire graduated summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa, from Tufts University and earned her doctorate in clinical psychology from Hahnemann/Widener University. She maintains a solo practice in Pennington, New Jersey. Dr. Deguire has appeared on television and radio, and has been published in the Trenton Times, GrownandFlown.com, and Medium.com. She also writes about psychological resilience issues in her blog and is a national keynote speaker. She is married, has two grown daughters, and lives in Bucks County, Pennsylvania.