The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

By combining a healing salve with a poisonous sap, brainiac Haddie Kellar set out to change the world for all women—one man at a time. It would make more sense if you share what the salve does before making the broad statement that it will change the world. Not all men—just those who continually exerted their power and strength on their wives, their daughters, on strangers. Not sure that the "exemption clause"is necessary.

Fed up with continued abuse and sex crimes—not to mention blatant sexism—Haddie decided Consider writing it in present tense to make it more dynamic "decides" vs. "decided" to start a movement after discovering that her special gel weakened the central nervous system just enough to alter a man’s personality. Get this closer to your lead. This is the hook - it's buried down here. It only needed to be pressed into the skin, extinguishing urges for control and dominance, leaving the recipient calm and docile. I'm going to make the comment here that I (as a female) definitely have some urges to control and dominate, as well. Might want to consider rephrasing?

But Haddie was just one woman, needing an army to carry out her mission. So, she plucked her warriors one by one from Facebook, secretly vetting them from behind special software that concealed her IP address, assembling a group that stretched from coast to coast. Not even her loving, supportive husband, Sam, knew what his wife got up to once he left for work. This is fine, but again, the present tense would be more compelling. The way it's written now it feels like we're reading backstory, rather than the actual story, if that makes sense.

Wanting to remain anonymous, yet be recognized, Haddie’s recruits left their mark with three letters: H.O.W.—Hands of Women. When social media and major news outlets buzzed with stories regarding the mysterious society, Haddie knew she was crossing a line. Yes, men’s lives were being altered, but for the better, in her opinion. Was it so wrong what they were doing? Right now you are verging into synopsis territory. In general, this is already too long, and too detailed, to be a query.

When Sam discovered Haddie was behind the covert mission, it rattled their marriage. He loved his wife’s convictions for her fellow woman, but feared she’d be found out and then what? He couldn’t lose her, but she refused to stop, convinced that her cause created a better world for everyone. He eventually came around after reading stories from the women directly affected by Haddie’s creation.

And then it happened—a white hat hacker tracked Haddie’s identity, showing up on her doorstep. Imagine her shock when he turned out to be her brother-in-law. Will he do the right thing and expose her identity to the authorities? Or will he turn a blind eye, leaving her to continue helping women all over the world? Suddenly this story is about the brother in law, not our main character.

HANDS OF WOMEN is a women’s fiction I'm not convinced it is. This sounds more like a soft Sci-Fi or a domestic thriller novel complete at 81,500 words.

Starting out as a self-published author, I have seven books out in the market, three of them with a start-up contract publisher. Currently, I am writing book number ten, another women’s fiction. I wouldn't mention that you are self-published previously unless you have very good sales numbers to back it up with.

Right now this needs a lot of work to be turned from a synopsis into a query. The hook needs to be front and center, the details need to be cleaned out. A query sells the idea of the book - not the plot itself, or the order of events.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

En wants a quiet life working on mechanical marvels. The invaders want her to work on their lethal dehydration guns instead. Nice! Good hook. I'm invested.

The known world is a sunken basin, and the sides of that basin are impenetrable clay, referred to as “the Wall”. Mechanic En Etspring’s small desert hometown is nestled safely into the edge of the Wall. Like they are suspeneded there? Might be a little too much description here. What you are saying is that basically they are isolated, which is covered without the added detail of "nestled into the edge of the wall." But this safety proves to be an illusion when a hostile army arrives, and En must cooperate with them to keep her family safe. Townspeople begin to go missing, including En’s love interest Mo, a blacksmith. At the same time, an ambitious and ruthless invader named Javier has begun to take a dangerous interest in En. Soon, the only way to protect herself and her family is to flee her hometown into the lukewarm embrace of a group of rebels. Is it a surprise that these rebels exist? The "known world" felt small by the earlier description. Was her hometown the only known habitation? Why is the embrace lukewarm? Now that En is free, she is ready to be done with making weapons, but the rebels want her to share her new expertise. For En, escaping town isn’t the same thing as escaping the consequences of her decisions - or the jilted Javier’s revenge. So now she is being asked to make weapons again, but to use against the invaders this time? Feels a little anticlimactic. Maybe some inclination of if she feels any difference about who is on the other end of her weapon? Or is she a pacificist through and through?

Firebelly is an 86,000 word science-fiction adventure story about a young woman balancing conscience and survival, set in an alternative world. It will be my debut novel. Hopefully it is the first of many to include fantasy-style names and dragon motifs. No need to clarify first novel, that can be assumed. I would strike the last sentence as somewhat confusing - you're not clarifying whether this is series potential or themed career potential, and also the dragon motif might fit the title, but not the novel description./span>

Right now I like what you have, but I feel like there needs to be a little ray of hope or an alternative choice for En. Make weapons or... make weapons, doesn't feel like a plot. Is she searching for an alternative? Questioning pros and cons of using her skills against invaders? We know there's a moral quagmire here, but how is it playing out through her actions in the plot?

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Twelve-year-old Ella is still reeling from the sudden loss of her mother when her father’s oldest friend is murdered in Scotland. Good hook that draws us into the story right away. I would strike "Scotland" here and insert below, as it just tips the sentence into long-winded. She must accompany him to isolated Ravenfell Manor for Cornelius’s funeral. Ella is unsettled by the house which is filled with eccentric curios and precious objects, almost certainly haunted, and has far too many Ravens of both the feathered and family varieties. Not sure what you mean by "family varieties?"

After her father is arrested for the theft of a valuable artefact, could be Australian spelling? In the US it's "artifact" Ella is forced to cancel her plans to fly home Strike "is forced..." It's implied and teams up with Cornelius’s son Lachie to try to clear his name. What is Lachie's interest in clearing her father's name? In in the interest of the old friendship? Or is his father's good name impugned as well? They become aware that Strike "they become aware..."three hidden treasures lie at the heart of the mystery, as well as Cornelius’s murder, but struggle to unravel the dead laird’s cryptic clues Strike everything after "clues" to discover the location of the priceless objects. Someone else is searching too, roaming the manor at night, masquerading as an ancient Raven ghost. Again, is Raven a family name? It's not entirely clear

When Ella’s father is accused of even more serious crimes in order to keep him away from Ravenfell and the hunt for Cornelius’s treasures, Strike everything up to this point she and Lachie are drawn into a dangerous contest with the increasingly ruthless Ghost, who always seems to be a step ahead of them. Just as they finally seem to be getting somewhere, they make a mistake which has life-threatening consequences. The Ghost locks them in the ancient underground tunnel, sealing the crypt doors with tape. Unless they can decipher the final clues and find the code to open the door to the airlock and Cornelius’s secret room, Strike "C's secret room" they will die. And even if they can achieve this, they will never be safe unless they find a way to unmask and trap the Ghost. Strike previous sentence Ella must draw on previously unknown reserves of courage and possibly a little unsolicited help from the supernatural world if she is to save all of their lives.

RAVENFELL is a 38,000 word middle grade adventure/mystery. It is a stand-alone title (with potential for a sequel) that will appeal to readers who enjoy the creepy Gothic settings of The Night Gardener and Serafina and the Twisted Cloak, the mystery elements of Greenglass House and the quirky artefacts of The Ten Thousand Doors of January.

I have had a number of articles published in Good Reading Magazine (Australia) about visiting the settings which inspired my favourite authors. My travels have also sparked the ideas for my own storytelling. As a teacher and librarian, I enjoyed working with middle grade students to foster and expand their love of literature and am excited to read and write fiction for this age group. I live in Melbourne, Australia.

Great bio! Great comp titles! Overall this is strong, you just need to weed it down, as it's a bit wordy in spots. Trim it up, and I think you're ready to go!