The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for IN THE SPACES BETWEEN, a dual-POV adult psychological thriller complete at 95,000 words. I generally encourage people not to start with title, genre and word count simply b/c everyone who is querying has those - start out with something they don't, the hook for your own book.

There is an ever-growing list of shoulds in ten-year-old Esmee’s life. She should have friends, she should cry after her mom’s suicide, and she should fear the creature that is rumored to live in the forest behind her house. Good hook - I think start with this! But she doesn’t. And when a whisper beckons her into the woods forest, it gives her a sense of belonging and lulls her into a trance, until she exits hours later covered in blood. Not sure about the word "until" here, as it signifies something has ended or changed - which you may be referring to the trance, but I think it needs to be clarified.

Esmee’s dad, Peter, struggles to make sense of his new reality. The pain of losing his wife is unbearable, and the shadowed memories of his upbringing are creeping back in. He reminds himself that he isn’t his father, and his past is behind him. But when a stranger is standing at his wife’s grave, Peter’s grief is stained with questions, and he spirals in search for the truth. This is good until we get to "But when a stranger..." everything after that is extremely vague - graves, questions, search for truth - that could be anybody's book. You need more specifics about what THIS book has in it, that others might not.

Esmee’s reality becomes convoluted by her obsession, the creature’s voice overtakes her and incites increasingly violent behavior. I think collapse Esmee's paras together, this one doesn't really add anything and doesn't deserve to stand alone.

Peter unravels his wife’s secrets.Like what? Again, being vague won't win points in a query. And when he discovers that the same darkness that troubled her may run through Esmee, he attempts to get his daughter help, because he can’t lose her too. He's certain he can keep his family together, and safe… until Esmee’s actions threaten to shatter everything Peter has ever loved. How? In what way?

I work in Finance and live in Salt Lake City. When I’m not writing or working, I’m out in the mountains.

You have a good start here, but you need to get those specifics in there. Right now there's just a vague danger, and I'm not sure what the goals are, and what obstacles stand in the way of those goals. It sounds like Peter is the one who will have those goals, so I would use Esmee's intro (b/c it's quite good), and then have one para for Peter where you explain his struggles, what he wants now, and why he can't have that.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

OUR SECRETS WILL SAVE US is a 72,000-word YA modern-day psychological thriller. Told through multiple points of view over a 2-day period this “whodunit" mystery revolves around small town secrets and the lengths each character takes to keep them hidden. It’s perfect for fans of Holly Jackson’s FIVE SURVIVE and Netflix’s series MURDAUGH MURDERS. Good intro! I typically tell writers to put title, word count, genre, comp titles at the bottom, but you've done a solid job with this and I see no reason to move it.

It’s the night of prom prom night in the small southern southern is implied in naming the state, so you don't need it here town of Foley, Georgia. The high school guests all gather to celebrate the grand finale of the year I'd find a different way to intro this thought, you're basically describing prom, and we all know what that is and everything is going as planned - that is until one of their fellow classmates is found dead.

I'm not sure about the structure that you're using here. Is one of the listed characters below the victim? My initial reaction is that you're listing possible suspects, but then the last sentence implies that one of THEM is going to die... so do two people die, or is there only one death and one of the listed characters is the victim?

It also raises questions about timeline - is this book about the murder, or about figuring out who the killer is? In other words, are we going to see all these characters bouncing off each other, and then the penultimate moment is the murder itself? Or is the murder an early occurrence, and the story is actually about figuring out who did it? You call it a whodunit in the intro para, but if that's the question, then one of these characters has to be searching for the answers - not just being listed as having a motive.

Vivian - the Junior Class President - has worked tirelessly in perfecting the night, but of all people, she knows that nothing is ever as perfect as it seems. That's a pretty broad statement that could mean anything

Walker - the druggy - has one last chance to prove to them all that what happened last year doesn’t define him, that what happened last year should have never happened to him. But what happened last year, and why does it matter now? How does it tie into prom?

Averitt - the musician - has suffered for three years after his best friend’s death, but how can he move on when he is in love with his dead best friend’s sister? But how is that a motive?

Miya - the runner - has learned how to keep her distance, but when an unexpected romance becomes the center of her attention, she will do anything to protect their interracial secret. Definitely interesting, but again, I don't know how this is a motive, partially because I don't know who's dead

Brookyln - the newbie - has moved in with a step-father and step-brother she hates and is desperately searching for a connection - a connection that quickly turns into an obsession. Again, interesting, but all of these feel very disparate. It might be more intersting to trace how they connect, rather than setting each apart

Each of them has a secret. Each of them has a motive. And when each of their secrets begin to collide, someone will not leave prom alive. I like this, but it might work better as a hook!

I think you've created a difficult plot to query, lol! First of all, ask yourself if each of these 5 characters actually needs their own POV. Five is a LOT to juggle and as a first time writer, an agent might question your ability to pull it off. I'm not saying it isn't possible, but I do think it's something of a barrier.

I think your plot sounds interesting, and I love the idea of a prom murder, and each of their secrets being interconnected. That interconnection might be a more interesting way to structure the query, rather than listing characters.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

A work of upmarket fiction, EKPHRASIS is an empathetic novel about art, inspiration, and love that arrives too late. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed Sally Rooney's Conversation with Friends and Lynn Steger Strong's Want. I have to say that generally I tell queriers to put this information - title, genre - at the bottom, but I love the phrase "love that arrives too late." I think it could be a wonderful hook. I am a little leery of calling it an "empathetic" novel, mostly because you're not stating genre here and "empathetic" isn't a genre.

Wynonna Nichols is not an artist. She just recreates the world's great masterpieces for fun after her two little girls go to bed and her husband retires for the night to grade papers. But when she abruptly becomes the sole breadwinner and her boss at Austin's newest art museum learns her secret talent, Wynonna is flung into the spotlight as the star of wholesome videos where she imitates the paintings on screen. This is really good - you've captured a lot by saying a little - she's a mom, she's married to a teacher, life seems a little boring. I don't have any fixes for you here, although I do think you could use a slightly stronger hook, I don't think what you have is weak, by any means though.

Thrown by its immediate popularity, Wynonna can't believe the climbing view count as she slowly falls for her videographer, Julien, a local who cannot stand the changes to his city. Changes like what? Does Wynonna agree? Are they bonding over this? Their chemistry becomes the key to the videos' success, and as their audience rises out of control, not sure about the wording here, as an audience isn't something you could control anyway they find themselves careening toward one another. This is just a statement that might show my ignorance on the matter, but would a videographer be on screen for the audience to see him interacting with W?

For the first time since graduating college, Wynonna finds herself consumed with passion, both for her work and the people around her, but while the world takes notice, fame takes its toll. Millions of strangers adore her, but remorse threatens to destroy everything she loves when she finally gives in to the affair. While her morality wanes, her success grows—articles in Vogue and free trips to Italy, Julien by her side. Where's the remorse coming from? How torn is she? Does she love her husband? Is this an "I love them both?" or is it "I am in love with one and have duties to another?" I'd just like to know more about what exactly she's balancing, as well as how the kids come into it.

Forced to pick between her idyllic life of finger-painting was her life idyllic though? The first para makes her sound mildly bored at home. I think in order to feel the urgency of the choice, we need to know what's being weighed on each side and the all-consuming fervor of Julien, Van Gogh, and Klimt, Wynonna's life spirals out of her hands.

EKPHRASIS is complete at 83,000 words and ready for your consideration.

I am a fourth-generation Austinite with an MFA in screenwriting. This is my first novel.

You don't mention a genre, which is important. This could be a paperback romance, this could be a literary midlife crisis. What does Austin have to do with anything? You mention Julien's issues with it changing, and your own attachement to the city, so it feels like it's important, but I'm not seeing a lot of reason why in the query. Overall this is really well written, we just need a touch more info about what's at stake, and mentioning a genre would be good. I know your comp titles are doing a lot of work in that arena, but a genre is a must.