The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

"When the Devil Wants to Hide, He Disappears in Plain Sight." Unsure why this is in quotes? Are these your original words? If so, they shouldn't be in quotes, because that makes it seem like you are referencing someone else's work. As a hook, it's not bad, but I'd ditch the quotes if it's your own wording.

Over millennia, Lucifer Morningstar has transformed from heaven's rebel to puppet master, manipulating realms and beings alike. Six thousand years ago, to strengthen his rebellion, he gave humans a taste of the divine from the Fountain of Eden. Now, appearing to have met his end, his death is but a ruse that has sparked a series of events beyond mortal comprehension. You're making a lot of references here to Christian mythology and relying on Biblical knowledge that the reader might not have. It's well written, but I have to culturally read between the lines to know what you are referencing. A reader who isn't already familiar with the origin of Satan and the Fall, won't understand. Also, how has Lucifer met his end? What happened?

Three souls find themselves entangled in Lucifer's intricate web: What's Lucifer's end goal? What does he want? How does this web work and what's the end game?

Amadioha Kamanu, a fierce leader in Niri's war against the oppressive Vodun nation, is on the brink of a revolution. Internal, external, both? But as he contends with internal betrayals and a fragmented alliance, he must discern friend from foe and question his own motivations in a war that continually reshapes him. Sounds like both. I also think we need more detail here. We've got good guys, bad guys, revolution, a conflicted leader... what makes this different from every other story that has these things?

Ikenga Umoren, willing to break the holiest edicts for love, inadvertently unleashes Eshm, a formidable spirit, setting off a tragic chain of events. As he grapples with the dire consequences, a sinister shadow suggests he's but a pawn in a much grander game. Again, too vague. I don't know why Ikenga did this other than general "love," or what this chain of events is, let alone the consequences.

Major Lilith Saeon, a dedicated officer of Hell's Masina Army, is unjustly framed for Lucifer's supposed death. Her fierce loyalty to her homeland wavers as she's thrust into a whirlwind of treachery. Again, need more. I think it's interesting to include a character on the "wrong" side, so we need to know more about who she is, not just plot points

As events unfold, the true depth of Lucifer's plans becomes apparent. The Arch Angels might have forgotten about him, but he has not forgotten about them. With multiple realms at the brink of upheaval, the eternal dance of light and shadow prepares for its most tumultuous performance. Everything is well written and interesting, but it's all too vague. What does this boil down to? Good vs. evil. We know this story, it's all stories. What is distinct and different about these characters? This plot? What are the events that are unfolding?

With the intricate weaving of divinity and deception reminiscent of Neil Gaiman's "American Gods" and the deep exploration of African mythologies akin to Marlon James' "Black Leopard, Red Wolf," "The Eden Ruse" is a 110k-word narrative that invites readers to question the boundaries of good and evil. Great comp titles and an awesome closing para here, but you need a stated genre. I think the concept is interesting and your writing is good, but everything is vague, so nothing stands out.

"The Eden Ruse" is my debut fiction, enriched by 15 formative years in Nigeria and two decades in the U.S. I have uniquely woven these cultural tapestries into a narrative unlike any other. Get this personal info into the para above. Your relevant experience is important, although you don't need to state that it's your debut. Also, I wouldn't claim it's a narrative unlike any other - the query isn't holding up to that. Show us that in the query, rather than telling us in the closing line.

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The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

THE HUNT FOR DEATH is a completed 90K supernatural horror that explores the consequences of past decisions, akin to Sundial by Catriona Ward, and lost love, as seen in Ghost Eaters by Clay McLeod Chapman. (+BIO and if personalized- goes here). I always tell people to open with your hook, not your title, genre, word count, comp titles - everyone has those. Open with the one thing you have no one else does - your hook and concept.

Mara’s life philosophy has always been to squash anything standing in her way. And it works.Or worked? Maybe a tense adjustment there, since it sounds like she's made adjustments and changes. Squashing is what got her here, but is she still maintaining that approach? She's living her ultimate happily ever after with a loving husband, a feisty kid, and a past that is... well, in the past. So, when her childhood friend grins at her from the TV screen as the latest guest on the Morning Show, it must be a joke. But then he opens his mouth, and the joke morphs into a nightmare. He reveals their past of summoning ghosts and demons to the world and promises to evoke not sure if evoke is the right word to use here the Grim Reaper — a mistake they swore never to revisit. These sentences can be pared down and combined, and I don't know that I'd use the terms joke or nightmare, but rather a phrase like it comes as a shock

A decade ago, their botched spell summoned... something. Reaper or not, it mattered little, because it caused an accident where two people almost lost their lives. Now Mara’s friend threatens to tell the truth not only about that fateful night. He wants to reveal The Death Gods Club members and their secrets to the world. Mara isn't afraid of the beheaded chickens and blood runes hiding in her closet. But of the unknown consequences of summoning the Grim Reaper again? Yeah! This is a bit confusing - what is at stake here? It sounds like the Reaper was already summoned a decade ago, so what's the threat in the present? How do the two people who got hurt in the past figure into the present? If she's not scared of being revealed, and the Reaper has already been summoned, what's the threat here?

For the first time in her life, the weight on Mara’s shoulders threatens to topple her. Despite her efforts to deter her friends, they form a new summoning group. Why? What's the point? The John Wick in her can’t leave them alone in this lunacy, so she joins. Definitely need more motivation than that. There are unknown consequences above that she is scared of, but she decides to go ahead and do it anyway? And they succeed. But calling upon such a force comes at a price. Right, so why do it in the first place? What is the benefit? The Reaper goes on a killing spree, not caring who stands in front of him. Mara struggles to find a balance between saving her friends, protecting her family, and preventing Death itself. If she doesn’t hurry, her choice might be taken away from her, along with her most sacred things. We definitely need to understand motivation here. They summoned death before, it went badly, she's been living a non-witchy life since then, her friend outs her and says he's going to summon death (again), which she doesn't really want to do, but then does anyway, and then bad things happen and she has to... what? It looks like she's not really driven by one thing - a desire to summon, or banish - she's just kind of doing whatever, and I'm not really seeing motivations or reasons why, from the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for Swipe Right, a dual POV contemporary romance (83,000 words) about a con gone wrong. (Also thought of beginning with the question: What happens when a con turns real? Let me know which you think is best?) It's alway my advice to start with a hook! Everyone has a title, a word count, a genre, and your reason for querying (seeking representation) is obvious. I say start with what you have that no one else does - your hook.

Sarah should be publishing papers to realize her dream of a tenure-track job and get slightly awkward phrasing here with "and get." I'd consider something that allows for more flow her wealthy, status-hungry parents to finally take her seriously. She definitely shouldn’t be up at 2 a.m. swiping away on Tinder. After another terrible date, she’s thrilled when she starts messaging with Jack, a handsome cybersecurity executive who shares her love of political philosophy, 90s sitcoms, and sugary breakfast cereal. He’s almost too perfect.

Whip-smart and deeply cynical, Jack grew up poor, going from hand-me-downs to tailored suits through a singular skill for deception. Jack swindles women from wealthy families, using the cash from his well-to-do marks to pay his mother’s skyrocketing medical bills. He considers himself a Robin Hood for the inequitable modern-day American economy. While Robin wore green to fade into the forest, Jack’s camouflage is his palatial rental estate, luxe wardrobe, and flashy car. His operation is simple. It all comes down to establishing an “ICC” (Instant Intense Connection) and then showcasing an irresistibly elite lifestyle. Then he fakes a MON (Moment of Need), inventing a lawsuit against his company. Claiming his funds are all tied up, he asks for a “loan” to “defend” himself. It’s almost too easy. I would cut everything after "flashy car" for space. You don't need to illustrate his method of operation in the query.

Dating Sarah starts as another con. But Jack soon learns that she prefers amusement parks to luxury shopping, funnel cakes to caviar, and genuine conversations to exhaustively documenting every moment on Instagram. Jack begins to fall for Sarah’s mind, body (yes please), and soul. He even begins revealing aspects of his broken self, getting dangerously close to letting the mask slip.

Meanwhile, Sarah is also falling hard for Jack. She’s never felt so understood and mentally stimulated … well not just mentally. Plus, she’s finally motivated to write again. However, she can’t shake the feeling that Jack is hiding something and begins to examine his past.What makes her unsure? I'd add a little about what (if anything) she finds.

When one of Jack’s prior marks returns with a social media campaign to expose him, he’s forced to confront questions he never thought he’d ask: Has he finally found something real, or is he conning himself this time? And, if Sarah learns the truth, could she ever love the real him? If it's a social media campaign, isn't it more of a question of "when" Sarah finds out, rather than "if?"

I am a graduate student at ___ university, specializing in the study of modern American political history.

Overall this is in really great shape. Take out the part where you describe his MO in order to pare down word count, consider adding an element of why Sarah isn't quite comfy with him and begins digging, and clarify my last question - otherwise I think you're gold!