The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Eighteen-year-old Andie Shore is finally old enough to audition for the reality TV show I Can Dance!, which she’s dreamt of competing on since she was nine. I don't know if we need quite that much detail. The word "finally" above tells us she's been waiting a long time She convinces her older sister Piper to audition too, even though Piper gave up dance two years ago for college and her controlling boyfriend. Phrasing a little awkward here - she gave up dance for college, but did the boyfriend push her to give up dance? The way the two are paired here just comes off a little awkwardly Andie needs her sister because only Piper can help with her debilitating stage fright—the kind that makes Andie nauseous, breathless, and all around a total mess. Getting Piper away from her boyfriend for a few weeks is a bonus.

But while everything is easy for Piper, Even after being away from it for so long? who doesn’t even care about winning, Andie struggles from the moment the judges say, “cue music.” Failing her first audition, injuring a fellow contestant, and that annoying voice in her head saying she’s not good enough, are just a few things Andie never planned for. Worse is getting partnered with Tae Kim—the technically perfect ballet dancer she accidentally jabbed in the nose. Andie can’t stand Tae, and Tae can’t stand Andie. Unfortunately, all of Canada can tell. Unless they find their connection, there go the votes. So she failed an audition and is still in the show? This might need clarification

As the choreography each week gets tougher, the internet haters get meaner, and her hatred Echo here with "haters / hatred" for Tae turns to something else (something definitely not allowed on the show), I'd strike this simply b/c it doesn't make a ton of sense. Romance between contestants is always a plus for a reality show, and you don't have the space to explain why that's not the case for this show in the query Andie’s stage fright only gets worse, and not even Piper’s support Is Piper still in the running? can help anymore. She’s one switch-split away from cracking under the pressure. But if Andie doesn’t win I Can Dance!, she’ll lose her only opportunity for a professional dance career. Worse, she’ll never prove to Canada, to Piper, Does she have to prove it to Piper? Her sister seemed liked nothing other than supportive until this line and more importantly to herself that even with her issues, she’s good enough after all.

A lot going on here, and for the most part you balance it well. In the first para Piper's b/f comes up twice, then is lost completely. I'd argue for striking him from the query, if he doesn't play into the plot enough to appear again later. Piper's involvement in the show isn't mentioned past a certain point either, even though you infer that P is better than A to begin with, so is she still in the running? The romance is a little lost as well, since it doesn't seem to play into the plot much more than just as an awkward sidebar. If it's inimical to the ending and climax, get that in there. Some tweaks and clarifications, but overall you're looking pretty good!

Hell's Half Acre by Susan Jonusas Giveaway

"Rich in historical perspective and graced by novelistic touches, grips the reader from first to last.”—Wall Street Journal

A suspense filled tale of murder on the American frontier—shedding new light on a family of serial killers in Kansas, whose horrifying crimes gripped the attention of a nation still reeling from war.

In 1873 the people of Labette County, Kansas made a grisly discovery. Buried by a trailside cabin beneath an orchard of young apple trees were the remains of countless bodies. Below the cabin itself was a cellar stained with blood. The Benders, the family of four who once resided on the property were nowhere to be found. The discovery sent the local community and national newspapers into a frenzy that continued for decades, sparking an epic manhunt for the Benders.

The idea that a family of seemingly respectable homesteaders—one among the thousands relocating farther west in search of land and opportunity after the Civil War—were capable of operating "a human slaughter pen" appalled and fascinated the nation. But who the Benders really were, why they committed such a vicious killing spree and whether justice ever caught up to them is a mystery that remains unsolved to this day. Set against the backdrop of postbellum America, Hell’s Half-Acre explores the environment capable of allowing such horrors to take place. Drawing on extensive original archival material, Susan Jonusas introduces us to a fascinating cast of characters, many of whom have been previously missing from the story. Among them are the families of the victims, the hapless detectives who lost the trail, and the fugitives that helped the murderers escape.

Hell’s Half-Acre is a journey into the turbulent heart of nineteenth century America, a place where modernity stalks across the landscape, violently displacing existing populations and building new ones. It is a world where folklore can quickly become fact and an entire family of criminals can slip through a community’s fingers, only to reappear in the most unexpected of places.