The Saturday Slash
Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
A young couple struggles to find their footing in marriage, causing the wife to no longer want children with the man she married. Why? What happens? Does she not want to have kids at all, or just with him? But she still wants to be married to him? We definitely need a lot more detail to understand and sympathize with the main character. When she discovers he is cheating, they come to an understanding she will stay if he stops pressuring her to have kids. But again... why? What's the motivation? Why does she want to be with him at all, if she 1) doesn't want to have kids with him and 2) he's cheating? I don't understand why she would want to remain married to this person. Then they meet a woman who makes life look easy by employing her wiles. What does this mean? It doesn’t become clear what she wants from the wife until she has ingrained herself into their life. What does she want? A query isn't the place to be cagey. Alliances are tested when it’s revealed the friend has been having an affair with the husband from the beginning. But why would this even matter at all, since he was already caught cheating? But the wife is guilty of lies of omission as well. She has been formulating a fallback plan to not end up a victim. Way, way, way too vague. I don't really know what makes this any different from any other "bad marriage" book that's out there. Name your characters, tell us their motivation, and don't keep any secrets from an agent in a query. What does the friend want from the wife? What are the lies of omission? And what is the fallback plan? Right now this is so vague it could be for any number of books. Figure out what makes yours distinctive, and get that in the query.
Her Grass is Greener is approximately ninety-thousand words in length.
The novel is in the spirit of The Last Mrs. Parrish and When Life Gives You Lululemons. It promotes female empowerment and touches on the negatives of comparison culture. That sounds interesting, but I don't see any of it represented in the query as it stands.
I reside in Atlanta, Georgia and have a Creative Writing degree from Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University.