The Saturday Slash
Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Everything’s perfect in the Waglan Empire, a thriving futuristic paradise powered by the magical element Elyxir. Money is obsolete, scarcity is a thing of the past, and 12-year-old Jelly has the power to destroy it all. Oh, I like this! Good hook!
THE GREENBLOOD CHRONICLES (complete at 77,000 words) is an upper middle grade fantasy perfect for fans of THE GOLDEN COMPASS and THE MARK OF THE DRAGONFLY. Based on your interest in [insert detail from manuscript wishlist], I think this could be a great fit!
When Jelly is kidnapped Why? Do they know of this power? Do they want to use it? What is the power? What does Jelly want? by the silver-skinned Greenbloods who lurk on the outskirts of the Empire — the same Greenbloods that killed her parents when she was just a baby — it’s up to her brother and their two best friends to save her. So, is Jelly not the main character? It sounds like the POV is with her brother and friends? And it’s not exactly the dream team you’d want on the job with your life at stake. Larry’s afraid of breaking curfew, let alone dealing with bloodthirsty monsters, and Cam’s dead-set on using another one of his harebrained inventions to guide the way. (Oh boy. We all know how FanPants turned out.) Sounds humorous, good voice injection
Meanwhile, in a first-person narrative The way this is written it sounds like only this POV is in first person told in alternating chapters, an unidentified Greenblood tells the story of his father’s abduction and haunting final words: “Find the Greenstone!”
Jelly’s friends journey to find her, and the Greenblood searches for the lost artifact, but as they all get closer, they uncover the dark and twisted truth about the stolen land the Empire stands on and the human cost of that so-called “paradise.” When the stories finally converge and their impossible connection becomes clear, Jelly learns she holds a power that will determine the fate of the Empire, whether she likes it or not. Whatever she does, some will suffer — and now it’s up to Jelly to decide who.
As a high school English teacher, I’ve devoted the past ten years of my life to helping my students tell their stories, and it would be the honor of a lifetime if you’d help me tell mine.
The writing here is good, but the way it comes together is disjointed. I don't know who has a POV. It sounds like the brother and friends have a journey story, but Jelly is pitched as the MC. Is she in captivity the whole time? Her learning about her power seems important to the plot, so I assume she has a POV as well, but then you mention the Greenblood having a POV, so I don't really know how many POV's there are here. Two? Three? Don't use Jelly as the hook if she's not a POV. Otherwise things here are quite strong, although I would adjust the fact that it's multiple POV's to the bottom. Structure would be - hook, Brother / Group POV para, Jelly (if that exists) para, Greenblood POV para, then clarify multiple, alternating POVs at the end.