My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Ethan Wells, a lonesome young man living in a secluded manor with his fanatically Christian mother, finds enjoyment in very few things, but one of them is an old Jest magazine that evokes forbidden sensations in him. What are those sensations? Lust? Hinting at things isn't a good idea in a query. You need to come out and say it. Also, having an idea of how old Ethan is and where this manor is located would be good.

When one of his emotions, Love, comes to life, he is finally able to have the experiences of a normal youth. What does this mean? Comes to life inside of him? Or outside of him, like he's interacting with a real person? What are the experiences of a normal youth? Sex? Again, come out and say it.

But Ethan discovers that the human mind is a multifarious place, and the arrival of Love has also enabled the emergence of something sinister, a memory almost forgotten. Like what? I don't have any sense of a plot here.

Such is the story in the book I recently completed, entitled The Ones Who Linger, my debut romantic horror novel set in a Gothic manor hidden in the forests of 1970s rural Oregon. Get those details in the beginning In this retelling of Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Mermaid, the creepiness of made-up monsters taking on a life of their own in Keith Donohue’s The Boy Who Drew Monsters meets the personification of human emotions seen in Pixar’s Inside Out and the romance between a human man and a sexy pin-up style drawn fantasy character as depicted in Ralph Bakshi’s Cool World. You're using comp titles to try to explain elements of the book, but what's happening is that it just sounds like you mashed a bunch of different things together. I don't know what the plot is, I don't know how these things are related to each other, and I don't know that this is offering anything new.

The Ones Who Linger, complete at approximately 80,000 words, tells of a young man’s path towards escape from his fanatically religious household and mindset. It grapples with the topics of unrealistic ideas about human bodies, the realization of one’s sexuality, and how the often unpunished sexual abuse by Christian authorities impacts the mental health of a victim. It will appeal to fans of Neil Gaiman and Silvia Moreno-Garcia. My real name is REDACTED, but I would like to publish this book under the pen name REDACTED. What's his path towards escape? What's the role of Love? How does sexual abuse fit in? Again, these are just a list of themes, and I have no idea what the plot of the actual book is. Don't worry about telling them you'd like to publish under a pen name, that's a detail that comes much later.

Although I unfortunately possess no writing credentials or accomplishments, this story draws on the true experience of my grade school friend who was sexually harassed by the local pastor, my own realization of my bisexuality, and the close-mindedness of the small, devout Christian Slovakian town community I grew up in, which regarded my family’s atheism very negatively. If you're basing part of this story on someone else's life, you might need to look into the legalties of doing so. And again, you're listing themes and concepts, but not telling me what they have to do with the plot. You also don't need to indicate that you have no writing credentials. If they're not included, it's assumed.

I have included an excerpt from my book, and I hope it will be enough to make you want to immerse yourself in my story. Don't include pages unless the agent specifically asks for the first however many as part of their submission guidelines. Be sure to check guidelines for each agent that you query.

Right now this query reads as a list of themes, concepts, and elements from other stories. I don't know the plot. What's at stake? What does Evan want, and what is stopping him from getting it?