The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Spencer is a shape shifter of Clan Kitsune and student of language and history in the Age of the Clans. After being attacked at Kitsune Academy by a fellow student, Spencer searches for a way out of Haniel. Right away you have a problem that can be really common to high fantasy queries - name soup. I don't know what Age of the Clans means, or if it's even relevant. or what Haniel is or means. So, the Praetor sends her to Sachi Prison in secret to find The Red Book, a text that has been lost for centuries and could shift the power in Lantea from Paladin to Praetor. How could a book do this? This drags Spencer into a decades old political battle between three parties: The Paladin, the Praetor, and the Archon, who is a leader of rebels on the Sachi Plateau. Rebelling against what? In her search, she learns the stories of three people who fought for their freedom and the freedom of generations in the Age of the Temples. Kahdea, Braid, and Owin. So do those stories take place in a different time period? The Age of Temples? How long is an age? These other characters aren't contempoaries of Spencer's?

Kahdea defied laws preventing her education in the Age of the Temples. After her twin brother, the Prefect of Fianna, is arrested by The Paladin Council, Again, so many world-building words that are just contributing to confusion. she takes his place in the building Famorian movement. With other shifter leaders who are demonized by the Temples, Kahdea helps set up the defense of their way of life. And this matters why? How is this relevant to Spencer's story?

Braid had little more than her air ship and her crew. Coming across a Famorian shifter on a trade route on the Kruvale, more names! she is able to see the danger of ignorance. She ends up going to The Hall for as an Oblate of Fianna. no idea what this means She's hoping to find more information on The Red Book to help catalyze the Famorian movement. Your tense is in past at the beginning of this para and shifts to present. Again, I don't know if these timeline are concurrent with Spencer's or not.

Owin overheard a friend of his and a strange woman from another territory talking about Famorians. He followed and fell into the Famorian movement after discovering his shifting ability. He was often thrown to a front and soon stepped into a leadership role. He and his small militia take action on Sachi Plateau following Kahdea and the other Prefects after an assault on a refugee camp in Werewood. Again, unsure how these tie together.

Fear is the great motivator. It was fear of extermination that brought shifters together against the Temples. And it was fear of the monstrous Famorian form that banished them to Sachi. What I'm not seeing is any type of continuity of these three storylines. What's the actual point and goal of the story? Right now I have three disparate tales and no idea of how everything relates to Spencer, or even if Spencer is the unifying character. I don't understand what Spencer's goal is, or why it matters or connects to these others. You've got too many names and world building elements in here at the moment, it's coming off as disjointed and reading more like a synopsis than a query. Boil down, eliminate names, and connect these storylines so that we understand what the main goal and story is here.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

In a cryptic world, the biggest stranger Estelle meets is herself. Decent hook! I don't know what a cryptic world looks like, though. Hopefully clarified below.

Living with her guarded foster mother in Montreal, she flounders in a tangled web of unraveled mysteries, disconnected from the outer world she thinks she knows. This is pretty vague. What is the nature of these mysteries? Estelle pursues for need to strike "for" a life full of possibilities but unaware of the lurking threat of a sinister network of manipulation and villainy called Apex who’s in the hunt to exploit the innocent to destroy order. I don't know what this means, or why Estelle would be targeted. Your wording here is very vague so I feel like I don't have a good grasp on what the actual threat is. When she runs into her menace in the open far from safety, Estelle quickly realizes she is being hunted.

Fleeing for her life, Estelle escapes to her forgotten home of Auria, a fantastical world hidden in the shadows, where traces of her mysterious past linger. How aware was she of this mysterious past? Had she entirely forgotten this world? Or was just unable to access it? Realizing she is unknowingly gifted and powerful in her own ways, she is vulnerable to the various advances of Apex and the trials that await her, challenging her insecurity and her trust in others—including herself. What connection does Apex have to Auria?

When betrayal leads Estelle and her friends When did friends come into this? to a spiraling downhill of no return, it takes the power of self-sacrifice, confidence, and community to battle against Apex’s reign of evil and rescue all those who are captured. Even though Estelle saves Auria and finds salvation in herself with her new family, the mastermind behind Apex is still on the run and ready to retaliate with revenge.

THE CRYPTIC WORLD is a YA contemporary fantasy thriller of 87,000 words, the first in a planned series with the sequel currently in the works. I am a psychology student at Arizona State University with a creative passion of building enchanting worlds and challenging controversial ideas. I believe my book will appeal to young readers with its themes of confidence and innocence along with thought-provoking ideas embedded in the plot that will leave the reader questioning their reality and how they are represented and used in society.

This ending para is great, I really like it. However, you are too vague in your paragraphs above. All I know is that there's a girl with some abilities from a foreign world who never quite fit into reality, there's a bad force after her, and she isn't terribly confident in her new role. That plot that I just described could fit any hundreds of magical or fantastical novels. You need to get details into this to illustrate what makes your novel different from the hundreds of others that fit that mold. Also, you definitley need to find a way to make this a standalone with sequel possibility. Fantasy is a very tight market now in YA and pitching a debut fantasy series would be difficult.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Amateur jewel thief Lisette Colbert suffers a string of bad luck starting with a heist gone wrong that leaves her injured and unable to make rent. A decent beginning here, but because you mention a string and then backtrack to an earlier event it feels a little awkward. I'd try something more like - "After a heist gone wrong leaves amaetur jewel thief LC unable to make rent...". She stumbles across a haunted house Stumbles across how? Like this is online bait? Or she stumbles upon the actual house? that offers $1,000 to anyone who can make it all the way I'd strike "all the way" through on Halloween night. How scary could it possibly be? Little does Lisette realize, not everyone who enters the 13th Realm of Hell makes it out.

You need more here. I know what she wants and how she's going to try to get it, but where does the humor come in? Is she in this house alone or are there other contenders? I'm confused because the para above reads like straight up thriller or horror but then you mention humor below. You'll need to create a second body paragraph here where you tell us more about the actual house plot. Above, you basically just gave us setup.

The twists and turns and tongue-in-cheek humor of Mind Like a Diamond will appeal to fans of Sara Shepherd and Lev Grossman.

Mind Like a Diamond could stand alone or become part of a series.

A little about me: I perform standup comedy and also showcase my humor on GulfCoastMomsBlog.com where my nonfiction has been shared across the country.

Good bio! Just make sure that you are giving enough info about your actual story.