The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

What starts as a regular, annual, delete "annual" family vacation to Grover Canyon State Park in Grover,delete "Grover," Colorado quickly turns into sheer horror for twelve-year-old Sandy and her younger brother Pete. Bored with the typical red rock and pine tree fare, they go off exploring while their parents unpack at the cabin and discover an off-the-beaten-path canyon nearby. the way this is written it sounds like the parents discover the canyon. You don't need to specify what the parents are doing, necessarily. We understand that they'll need to be separated in order for there to be a plot.

Turns out, though, delete "though" a pharmaceutical testing laboratory’s just go with "is hidden" hidden underneath the bottom of the canyon, and Sandy and Pete accidentally gain access to it. They explore its twisted maze of pitch-dark rooms and hallways filled with way too many horribly mutilated corpses to count.I'd just stick with "filled with mutiliated corpses" because "way too many to count" raises the question of how high they can count. Also, assuming this is MG, "horribly mutilated corpses" might be a bit much. Perhaps "failed experiments?" Freaked out, they flee the lab—only to discover the whole park’s been cordoned off and no one’s allowed to leave. Not only that, government helicopters are razing the place, shooting and toasting any living thing on sight. Really? Just mowing down regular tourists? Why? Wondering if their intrusion of the lab is to blame for the sudden, intense onslaught, Sandy and Pete must find a way to reconvene with their parents and escape Grover Canyon State Park alive.

THE HORROR AT GROVER CANYON STATE PARK is a 29,000-word middle-grade horror. My debut young adult dystopian novel, THE FOURTH GENERATION, was released by Clean Reads in August 2015. Clean Reads also published my middle-grade science fiction novel, PICKET TOWN, in April 2018. I have a degree in Creative Writing from Fairleigh Dickinson University and won the individual award for Outstanding Achievement in Creative Writing. I also obtained an MFA in Writing Popular Fiction from Seton Hill University in 2013. I interned at Kensington Publishing Corp. in New York City in the Publicity and Marketing departments.

Absolutely awesome bio. I guess my biggest hang up here is - what's the goal? Just escape? They're not trying to expose the lab or share the truth with the world? And the government is really just mowing down everybody who happened to be at the park? Why? Are they worried about a contagion spread or is this just a "keep it secret, keep it safe" move? I feel like we need to know more about the larger arc in this query.

Also, right now the only horror at work here seems to be human in nature. Has something escaped the lab? Is that tied to the all-on assault? Clarify what the dangers and goals are in order for this to come together more tightly.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

In a world where the names of the royals are given by the gods, Arden is the son of a beloved queen with a true name that makes him anything but. I don't think this is a great hook. We don't know what her true name is, or what the implications are. It's also a little convoluted as to what he's "anything but." A royal? A god? I can take a stab and say maybe he's a bastard, but that's after some untangling. I'd go with something more straightforward for your hook, personally.

Following their mother’s death, his brother ascends to the throne and plots to bring the empire under his control.But if he's ascended the throne, isn't it already under his control? Is there some danger to Arden? What is their relationship like? At his side is Isabella, whose family wields a dark power the likes of which Colwraetia has never seen. After a disastrous attempt to help the children conscripted to the king’s army, a servant secrets Arden away to a village with a powerful secret of its own.You've got an echo here with "secret" (word repitition). Also - who made this attempt for the children - the servant, or Arden? It's not clear. There, he befriends a boy with dreams of revolution and a deep mistrust toward the royal family. When an attack destroys the town, he Which he? Arden or the boy? is forced on the run alongside his former friend,They're not friends now? who seems to hate him as much as Arden is drawn to his fire. Hates him because... he's royal? Was that hidden from him at first? How was it revealed to cause the change?

Yet the sanctuary he hoped to find in the east turns out to be a cesspool of scheming while an aging emperor sits upon the throne. As his brother closes in, Arden has to choose between fleeing and losing the city he has grown to love or taking a stand that would risk the lives of the children he swore to protect. A decision that could seal his fate toward the darkness the gods promised. The gods are in the first and last line, but odn't appear to have much real role in the plot. Also - why does he want to help the children so badly? What is at risk for them? If he fights for this new city he's going to war against the conscripted children... right? Again, this needs a lot of clarificaiton. You don't want an agent to have to pick through this and try to put things together. They've got hundreds of queries to get through, and some of them will me more straightforward.

Dewdrop Prince is a YA fantasy complete at 97,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Prince of Thorns and Forest of a Thousand Lanterns.

I am a student and freelance writer from Texas who has a love-hate relationship with her cowboy boots. My works have been recognized by the Geek Partnership Society and the Poetry Matters Project. I look forward to hearing from you.

Good comp titles! Good bio! I think the story here has a good resonance to it, you just need to make the plot points more clear. It's difficult when writing a query because as the author, everything is already obvious to you - so it seems that way on paper. But to fresh eyes, we're just confused and trying to mine the meaning.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

I’m hoping you will consider my 95,000-word YA historical adventure novel, THE VICTORIAN TRAVESTY, which I believe will appeal to fans of Meg Cabot’s PRINCESS DIARIES and Diana Gabaldon’s OUTLANDER. What you have here is great in terms of comp titles and description. However, I usually advise to put this information at the bottom of the query. They know you're querying hoping that they'll represent you. It's an assumed. I personally think it's better to jump in wtih a strong hook.

What if there was a secret kingdom in modern-day that lived as if it was the Victorian era? Rhetorical questions aren't a good start. What if it was ruled by an evil queen, bent on keeping her people in the dark about modernity? What if there was only one girl with the birthright to dethrone the queen, but she was raised in the outside world? You need to strike this entire first para and get these elements Victorian enclave in modern day world, evil ruler, lost royalty, into the query in a different way.

Alair has never had to answer any of these questions until a mysterious uncle arrives and invites her to reunite with her estranged father in Penvellyn Quarter. Hidden deep in the lush Bavarian Alps, Penvellyn Quarter is a small kingdom that chooses to live as if it is in the Victorian era—in fashion, in manners, and in everyday simplicity. Decent, but we know nothing about Alair. Is she nice, mean, cute, ugly, sporty, proper? What's her life like before this happens? Is she bored, or invested in what she already has?

As if that wasn’t mindboggling enough, Alair’s father just so happens to be the king.

Alair’s uncle ushers her through a bustling Victorian town to a magnificent castle to reunite with her father. She arrives just in time to witness the unimaginable: her father is murdered by his wife, Queen Fidelia. His dying words: Dethrone Queen Fidelia. Now the sole ruler, Queen Fidelia is free to implement her evil vision for the kingdom. Right now this is reading more like a synopsis than a query. You're walking us through the setup when what we really need is to know the meat of the story.

Now-Princess Alair is overwhelmed by the dated and often backward mores of Victorian culture. There's no way she can remember the difference between fifteen kinds of spoons or learn the language of flowers. Her royal cousins won’t speak to her, and soldiers study her every move, as if they know just how many secret passageways she’s already found. So she can't go back? Why not?

Reeling from culture shock and grief, Alair is ready to flee for home. It’s only after she makes some friends, realizes the beauty, whimsy, and fun of this strange place, and comes to care about the dire danger it faces under Queen Fidelia that Alair commits to fulfilling her father’s wish—she commits to dethroning Queen Fidelia. Don't use Fidelia's name so much, it's muddying up the query. You also have an echo with "commits."

To do that, she must out Queen Fidelia’s secret that she killed the king. Luckily, the popular and cunning Fidelia has one hamartia not going to lie, I had to Google this. Better to stick with words the agent will know: she’s hidden proof of her crime somewhere in the castle. But why would she do that? It doesn't make sense. Alair just has to find it—before one of Fidelia’s attempts on Alair’s life succeeds.

If she fails to defeat her father’s killer, Alair, her new friends, and all of Penvellyn Quarter will be Queen Fidelia’s next victims.

THE VICTORIAN TRAVESTY is my first novel. I graduated with a BA in English from the University of Georgia, and I currently work as a freelance copywriter and editor. You don't need to state that it's your first novel, but everything else in the bio looks good.

Overall - don't start with the questions, open with something stronger. The idea of a modern girl being uprooted and tossed into Victorian life is a good hook. Don't cripple it with the rhetorical questions. The Uncle seems to disappear after serving his purpose, so does he really need to be in the query?

You infer earlier on that the queen keeps the secret of modern life from her kingdom, and that is part of her evilness. But that is dropped later on when Alair only seems to want to reveal the murder - not usher everyone into the 21st Century. So what's the real goal here? Move the people into the modern life? Or dethrone the queen for murder?