The Saturday Slash

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Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

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What starts as a regular, annual, delete "annual" family vacation to Grover Canyon State Park in Grover,delete "Grover," Colorado quickly turns into sheer horror for twelve-year-old Sandy and her younger brother Pete. Bored with the typical red rock and pine tree fare, they go off exploring while their parents unpack at the cabin and discover an off-the-beaten-path canyon nearby. the way this is written it sounds like the parents discover the canyon. You don't need to specify what the parents are doing, necessarily. We understand that they'll need to be separated in order for there to be a plot.

Turns out, though, delete "though" a pharmaceutical testing laboratory’s just go with "is hidden" hidden underneath the bottom of the canyon, and Sandy and Pete accidentally gain access to it. They explore its twisted maze of pitch-dark rooms and hallways filled with way too many horribly mutilated corpses to count.I'd just stick with "filled with mutiliated corpses" because "way too many to count" raises the question of how high they can count. Also, assuming this is MG, "horribly mutilated corpses" might be a bit much. Perhaps "failed experiments?" Freaked out, they flee the lab—only to discover the whole park’s been cordoned off and no one’s allowed to leave. Not only that, government helicopters are razing the place, shooting and toasting any living thing on sight. Really? Just mowing down regular tourists? Why? Wondering if their intrusion of the lab is to blame for the sudden, intense onslaught, Sandy and Pete must find a way to reconvene with their parents and escape Grover Canyon State Park alive.

THE HORROR AT GROVER CANYON STATE PARK is a 29,000-word middle-grade horror. My debut young adult dystopian novel, THE FOURTH GENERATION, was released by Clean Reads in August 2015. Clean Reads also published my middle-grade science fiction novel, PICKET TOWN, in April 2018. I have a degree in Creative Writing from Fairleigh Dickinson University and won the individual award for Outstanding Achievement in Creative Writing. I also obtained an MFA in Writing Popular Fiction from Seton Hill University in 2013. I interned at Kensington Publishing Corp. in New York City in the Publicity and Marketing departments.

Absolutely awesome bio. I guess my biggest hang up here is - what's the goal? Just escape? They're not trying to expose the lab or share the truth with the world? And the government is really just mowing down everybody who happened to be at the park? Why? Are they worried about a contagion spread or is this just a "keep it secret, keep it safe" move? I feel like we need to know more about the larger arc in this query.

Also, right now the only horror at work here seems to be human in nature. Has something escaped the lab? Is that tied to the all-on assault? Clarify what the dangers and goals are in order for this to come together more tightly.