Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I’m seeking representation for my Young Adult, Martial Arts version of Science Fiction Trilogy, THE COSMOS WITHIN. I tell pretty much everyone to open with your hook, nothing else. The agent assumes you are seeking representation - they just opened a query letter. Evreryone else also has a title and a genre. Open with something only you have - the hook for your book.
PART ONE: AN EVOLUTIONARY BREAKTHROUGH introduces a phenomenon that redefines our understanding of how the universe works, and the power the mind holds. Opening with the words "part one" implies that this will be a series. YA is a tough world to try to get into, and querying a series isn't the best way to put your foot in the door. If there's any way to make this a standalone with series potential, that's the way you want to go. Also, the way this is being introduced, it's not clear if you're talking about Cosmos as if it is something at work within the real world, or the fictional world you've created. If the reader goes on, it becomes clear. But the truth is they might not go on. Cosmos, given rise by the iconoclastic Leo Cosmos, is the use of thought and intuition to energetically connect with universal intelligence. Properly conceptualized, this awareness enables the user to manipulate their body’s capabilities, sense perception, or a compatible external medium. Okay, but what does this actually mean? It's clear there's a big idea here, and a good vocabulary, but you aren't looking to impress an agent with your personal intelligence right now (that can come in the bio). You need to get their attention with the concept of your book, and right now we're talking about abstracts, and the first character name mentioned doesn't sound like a teenager. Since its discovery, it’s changed how people think, work, and compete. How? I don't actually understand what benefits it brings to the user, by your description above. With its prevalence in sports, a new sport was created where the participant’s use of Cosmos is directly challenged through one-on-one combat.
Erijah Egnight. A cold, headstrong Cosmos athlete, thanks to his coach’s/gay aunt’s recommendation letter to the World Cosmos Association, qualified for the Youth Cosmos Tournament in a Los Angeles arena. This is a super convoluted sentence. And unless the aunt's sexuality plays a role in the plot, mentioning it within the query feels like a word-drop point for inclusion. His intent to win this competition, and eventually, the World Cosmos Championship, stems from a self-redeeming obsession. Following the death of gym mate, he questions his worthiness to use Cosmos, and fears causing another accident. He believes becoming the best Cosmos athlete in the world will leave him no doubt, he is in complete control of Cosmos, and his life. Good motivation and interesting character, but since we don't really understand what Cosmos is / does, it's just somewhat confusing. How did the teammate die? What happened?
After losing the final match of the grueling competition, a girl Erijah’s age approached You don't want to be writing in past tense in a query, in general. It's also not in keeping with the above para him in the arena’s dark hallway whom, to his shock, is the granddaughter of Leo Cosmos. On Leo’s behalf, she suggests he move to LA to learn more about Cosmos under his tutelage. Does this girl have a name? Or is her only interesting point that she is the granddaughter of a male? He stubbornly declines. Why? Minutes later, the well-spoken WCA president Con Vibrato, impressed with his performance, made a similar offer he couldn’t refuse. A sponsorship to attend the school with the best Cosmos team, Leonardo Cosmos Secondary in Los Angeles Too many characters being introduced here that I don't think are actually vital to the plot. Also, it's reading much more like a synopsis than a query, at this point.
In pursuit of Leo’s invaluable knowledge, Then why in the world would he reject the first offer? he moves to LA where meets a diverse group of classmates, each with their own love/hate relationship with Cosmos. Including a girl with a wheelchair and a pair of adopted brothers. Not a full sentence Will they help each other fully grasp this concept, and realize their improbable ambitions? Or will their limiting beliefs keep them blind to the universe’s unparalleled brilliance? Little do they know, Con has a more ‘chaotic’ agenda for them, and knows far more about Cosmos than he should.
Right now there's more concept than plot in here, which isn't good for a query. You don't want to tease a query, and don't want to be vague. I don't know what Erijah wants (if he's in pursuit of Leo's knowledge, why reject the granddaughter?), or what stands in his way of getting it. I don't know what Con's motivation is, or what the chaotic agenda is. In other words, I don't have any idea what the plot might be.
As a Law of Attraction enthusiast, I believe we have more control over the universe than most realize, and can manifest almost anything we want into reality. I don't think that's necessarily an important part of your bio. If the L of A is a basis for Cosmos, use that as a way to describe what it is and how it works within the query. This mindset, along with my time as a highly competitive youth athlete, is my inspiration for this story. As a Metis Canadian with ADHD, I recognize the importance of diversity, and make a point to respectfully express a variety, and commonality, of character backgrounds, motives, challenges and triumphs. This is definitely a positive thing, but those characters aren't getting much room within the query, which undermines your point. I'd keep it to simply stating that you feature a diverse cast. I also love anime, and dream of my stories being showcased through that medium. Unless you are specificlly querying someone in that respect, for that medium, I wouldn't mention it. It would be like querying a novel and stating how much you'd like to see it made into a movie -- that's not the purpose, or the job, of a literary agent, and you're stating excitement outside of the medium that you're asking someone else to invest in.
Major point... you don't have a word count in here. That's a must inside of a query