The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Three years have passed since the Elvanian King and Queen were found dead in their bedchamber, slaughtered by the rebel group known as the Belladonnas. Nice, this is a good hook that has me interested and sets up the genre Two years since the newly crowned Child Queen invaded Marigold’s home of Muscain and turned the kingdom into a prison. Ten months since Marigold found her parents hanging at the gallows for treason. I don't dislike what you're doing here, style wise, but technically these aren't complete sentences. However, I don't think it's a big bump. I did have to untangle it a little on first read, but I think it works.

One week since her best friend Naomi went missing.

Having already lost everything else — her freedom, her home, her family — Marigold sets off to find Naomi. But her search hits an unexpected bump when a conversation in a tavern implicates her as the accomplice to the very criminal who assassinated the Elvanian Crown all those years ago. I don't know if three years could be described as "all those years ago." Suddenly, Marigold finds herself on the run from the Child Queen, tangled with a rag-tag group of fugitives led by a woman named Viana Nightshade.

Growing up, Marigold knew her as Red Hand — cold-blooded assassin and leader of the Belladonnas. But the more time she spends with Viana, the more she learns that fugitive isn’t all she seems. are you missing "the" before "fugitive?" The stories spun by the Child Queen hide the truth: Viana isn’t just a killer of Kings and Queens, but a daughter of them. A princess playing fugitive, caught on the precipice of a revolution she never meant to start.

A revolution that killed Marigold’s parents, and threatens to swallow Naomi whole.

BLOOD STAINED NIGHTSHADES is a 95,000 YA fantasy novel following five perspectives: the red-handed Princess, the soldier sent to hunt her down, the Prince who tried to save her, the Child Queen abandoned on a cruel throne, and the ordinary girl caught in their intricate web of Royal lies. It is the first in a series.

Hmmm.... so the query itself is great, but then I get to the last para and there are two POV's who aren't even mentioned in the query - the soldier and the Prince. If you're able to write the query without them mentioned, its possible you don't need their POV's in the book, either. I'd reconsider structuring this in a way that makes it possible for you to get all five named POV's mentioned. Also, are all of these POV's teenagers? If some are adults, I'd all this high fantasy, rather than YA.

And last note - YA fantasy is clogged right now, and pitching something as a first in a series is a tough sell as a debut. Consdier if you can structure the book as a standalone, with series potential.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

The world is old, the gods are dying off, and the demons of the Underocean are about to sink the last continent. This is a good hook! You definitely have my attention. Tragic, but none of that is Alonso’s problem. Might not hurt to get a tiny bit of the danger clarified - is there going to be no land anymore? Is everyone effed? His primary concerns are fine-tuning his magical trick cards and saving up to buy his girlfriend’s freedom. From what / who? But when his estranged cousin, Clay, arrests him during a bungled burglary, the world’s problems become far less avoidable.

Demoted after a weaponized artifact shard destroys his sister and his arm, Clay still believes the artifact can defeat the demons if he reunites all the missing pieces. The trouble is, the artifact shard is locked in the same high-security magical facility as Alonso.What's the relationship like between them? You say estranged but that could be by choice, or not. A little clarity on the caper, too - is he trying to save Alonso as well, or is this just a convenience that A is already inside? Even if they do manage to escape with it, there are plenty of demon-corrupted monstrosities, undead gods, and magic-packing militants who will try to stop them – not to mention their uncle, the General, whose respect Clay is desperate to regain and whose disappointment Alonso has been avoiding for years.

Fortunately, Alonso isn’t the only prisoner willing to attempt a jailbreak. His cell block also houses a grouchy mechanic who cracks magical security systems, an anxious girl-monk with extraordinary strength, and an arrogant nun on a mission to save her god. Combining their skills, the five of them might stand a chance of finding the shards, repairing the artifact, and saving the last continent from sinking – if they don’t strangle each other first.

Nice! This is in good shape as it is, but I can rec a few tweaks. As I said before, the relationship between the cousins could use some fleshing out, and Alonso's girlfriend gets totally lost in the shuffle. She was his main priority, but she just kind of poofs. The goals go from REALLY big - save the world! To very specific - get this ONE thing! so, I'd take a moment to tie together how the two things converge to create the plot as a whole. Otherwise, looking good!

NIGHTLIGHT is a 150,000 word fantasy. This is a bit long. Fantasy gets a little room for worldbuiling, but 150k is still a big chunk for a debut. I'd try to get it down to 125 if you can, 100 if at all possible. Combining an unlikely ensemble cast with kaleidoscopic magic, the adventure plays with both humor and heartstrings, perfect for fantasy fans who wish they could read SIX OF CROWS again for the first time.

I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, From what institution? and NIGHTLIGHT is my first novel. Upon request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Six clans are threatening to tear apart. This doesn't work well, in terms of a hook. It doesn't mean anything to me, emotionally. If I said - six people are about to get into a fight - you wouldn't really care a whole lot, b/c you don't know those six people and don't have any connection to them. I also don't know what is being threatened here - a union? each other? And I don't really know why it matters, or what is it stake. The words below will fill me on in that, for sure, but I think you need a better hook.

Saoirse Cavanaugh, heir to the throne of Aineoi, only wants to be blessed with light on her sixteenth birthday. Doesn't really matter to me, b/c I don't know what that means But when she instead finds herself bequeathed with shadows – and therefore unable to claim her inheritance – she flees, terrified of her newfound darkness, leaving her younger sister, Eabha, behind. What does it mean that she was given light instead of darkness? It's an interesting concept, but the worldbuilding isn't present, so I don't know how significant it is, or what it really means.

Despite it being Saoirse’s sixteenth birthday, fifteen-year-old Eabha finds herself bestowed with light, an opposition to her sister’s darkness. Who is bestowing this? Gods? Magic? What does it signify Struggling with her unanticipated power and the burden of what was once Saoirse’s inheritance, she desperately searches for her sister, not physically, I assume? Through what means? all while fighting the encroachment of Dubhian – a rival clan – upon Aineoi, and attempting to battle the growing bond between her and Torin, heir to Dubhian’s throne.

When Saoirse stumbles upon a group of patriots desperate to raise a fallen clan, what does that mean? she realizes that aiding them in their quest to find their lost patron goddesses would perhaps rescind her darkness and bless her with light, and therefore return her to her rightful place as Aineoi’s heir. But fighting against her shadows what does that look like? only allows them to grow claws and teeth and strength to defeat her, and soon the former crown lady odd phrasing here? is trapped in a war against herself.

As both sisters drive towards their seemingly impossible goals, they realize that something far more sinister is simmering beneath the surface of the clans. Secrets have lay forgotten for far too long, and if the sisters don’t uncover answers soon, they risk far more than their inheritance. A new darkness is rising, and this time, light is not enough to stop it. Love this last line, but I think we need more of an idea of what that overall threat is. My advice is to shear down the individual sister's storyline paragraphs, and give more room to the overarching story of this darkness that is rising

SISTERS OF THE NIGHT, an 86,000-word YA fantasy novel inspired by medieval Ireland, will appeal to fans of The Queen’s Rising by Rebecca Ross and Sky In The Deep by Adrienne Young. [personalize letter to agent here]

I live in the South amid the incessant heat, spending my time trying to cram more books into my overflowing shelf while shooing away a spunky dog who loves to pester me while I’m writing. This is my first novel. Bios are tough when you don't have writing credits. I personally think anything cutesy isn't valuable. I know that you have a very Irish name - instead of sharing little personal details that aren't relevant, go for an interest and knowledge of Irish legend and folklore, your own ancestry, etc.

Overall, the writing here is good, but you're relying on the reader having some knowledge of world building that they just don't have - what does it mean to be gifted with light or darkness? Who is gifting this? You use six clans in the hook, but I don't think six are mentioned in the query. I don't know what they are tearing apart, or why it matters. There's too much attention paid to the individual storylines without really showing how they will intersect and come together to culminate in this overall plot - which I really don't have a grasp on at all.