Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Six clans are threatening to tear apart. This doesn't work well, in terms of a hook. It doesn't mean anything to me, emotionally. If I said - six people are about to get into a fight - you wouldn't really care a whole lot, b/c you don't know those six people and don't have any connection to them. I also don't know what is being threatened here - a union? each other? And I don't really know why it matters, or what is it stake. The words below will fill me on in that, for sure, but I think you need a better hook.
Saoirse Cavanaugh, heir to the throne of Aineoi, only wants to be blessed with light on her sixteenth birthday. Doesn't really matter to me, b/c I don't know what that means But when she instead finds herself bequeathed with shadows – and therefore unable to claim her inheritance – she flees, terrified of her newfound darkness, leaving her younger sister, Eabha, behind. What does it mean that she was given light instead of darkness? It's an interesting concept, but the worldbuilding isn't present, so I don't know how significant it is, or what it really means.
Despite it being Saoirse’s sixteenth birthday, fifteen-year-old Eabha finds herself bestowed with light, an opposition to her sister’s darkness. Who is bestowing this? Gods? Magic? What does it signify Struggling with her unanticipated power and the burden of what was once Saoirse’s inheritance, she desperately searches for her sister, not physically, I assume? Through what means? all while fighting the encroachment of Dubhian – a rival clan – upon Aineoi, and attempting to battle the growing bond between her and Torin, heir to Dubhian’s throne.
When Saoirse stumbles upon a group of patriots desperate to raise a fallen clan, what does that mean? she realizes that aiding them in their quest to find their lost patron goddesses would perhaps rescind her darkness and bless her with light, and therefore return her to her rightful place as Aineoi’s heir. But fighting against her shadows what does that look like? only allows them to grow claws and teeth and strength to defeat her, and soon the former crown lady odd phrasing here? is trapped in a war against herself.
As both sisters drive towards their seemingly impossible goals, they realize that something far more sinister is simmering beneath the surface of the clans. Secrets have lay forgotten for far too long, and if the sisters don’t uncover answers soon, they risk far more than their inheritance. A new darkness is rising, and this time, light is not enough to stop it. Love this last line, but I think we need more of an idea of what that overall threat is. My advice is to shear down the individual sister's storyline paragraphs, and give more room to the overarching story of this darkness that is rising
SISTERS OF THE NIGHT, an 86,000-word YA fantasy novel inspired by medieval Ireland, will appeal to fans of The Queen’s Rising by Rebecca Ross and Sky In The Deep by Adrienne Young. [personalize letter to agent here]
I live in the South amid the incessant heat, spending my time trying to cram more books into my overflowing shelf while shooing away a spunky dog who loves to pester me while I’m writing. This is my first novel. Bios are tough when you don't have writing credits. I personally think anything cutesy isn't valuable. I know that you have a very Irish name - instead of sharing little personal details that aren't relevant, go for an interest and knowledge of Irish legend and folklore, your own ancestry, etc.
Overall, the writing here is good, but you're relying on the reader having some knowledge of world building that they just don't have - what does it mean to be gifted with light or darkness? Who is gifting this? You use six clans in the hook, but I don't think six are mentioned in the query. I don't know what they are tearing apart, or why it matters. There's too much attention paid to the individual storylines without really showing how they will intersect and come together to culminate in this overall plot - which I really don't have a grasp on at all.