The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Ciel Briar’s sole dream is to escape her abusive mother. Great hook, thank you! A dream that gnaws at her insides due to the impossibility. However, this isn't a complete sentence so I'd combine the two and explain why it's an impossibilty. That is, until the charming Crown Prince of Eireann hosts a birthday celebration held solely You've got a couple of echoes here with sole/solely and holds/held An echo is when you use the same or similar words too closely together, and is best avoided. for the youthful faeries of the kingdom. The party is dazzling, but not more than the handsome stranger courting her. Mid-swoon, she discovers he's the Crown Prince's assassin, I feel like it's hard to discover anything while swooning and as the only one who can identify him, she becomes a valuable asset to the kingdom. Is she an asset or a threat? I don't understand why her knowing who the assassin is would be a big deal... unless I'm reading this wrong and he's not a court assassin, as in an employee, but rather he was actually sent to kill the Crown Prince. Which raises the question of whether he was succesful or not.

Welcomed into the safety of the castle walls, Ciel learns of the royal family’s esteemed bodyguards. The Watchers are the answer to escaping her wicked mother, How is her mother wicked? Why does she want to escape her? How are they the answer? but Ciel must prove herself worthy before the assassin is found or else return home. Worthy of what? The chances are slim for an untrained, weak faerie like her to become part of the elite guards. Why would she need to become part of the elite guard? Doesn't the fact that she can ID this guy make her important enough? Desperate, she finds the perfect opportunity when a starry-eyed woman approaches her, telling her of the assassin’s location. If Ciel can find him before the kingdom does, she will earn Watcher status, but the woman is a witch, and Ciel is ambushed. Forced into a magical bargain with the assassin, she's now a rebel spy. I don't understand why she wouldn't just tell the Watchers where he is... unless what you're trying to say is that her only chance of escaping her mother is by becoming a Watcher, and in order to do that, she's got to nab him herself. This all needs clarified.

The game she must play is tricky, and as Ciel learns the rules, she discovers her kingdom is more flawed than she imagined. With a rebellion on the rise, she must decide which side she wants to take: her beloved Crown Prince, or the cunning assassin tugging at her heart. This was the first time there's any mention of her having any sort of romantic feelings for either one of these fellows.

I saw that you represented [author name] with [book name], and I am excited to seek your representation for A KINGDOM OF STARFLOWERS AND BLOOD, a young adult fantasy romance complete at 100,000 words. An Irish folklore setting with themes of political intrigue, power, and resilience, it will appeal to fans of Witches of Ash and Ruin by E. Latimer and Powerless by Lauren Roberts. Good comp titles. The YA fantasy market is absolutely flooded right now, and breaking in will be difficult. If you can get your word count under 100k, that might help.

Last year, I won the Kingsmead Book Fair Young Writers’ Competition for the young adult age category, a national writing competition in South Africa. Currently, I intern at Future House Publishers. Great bio!

Overall, there are quite a few instances here where you know what you're trying to convey, so it reads correctly to you, but the reader doesn't have the background knowledge, so it's confusing. Clarify that the assassin is an enemy, not in the Prince's employ (that's how I first read it). Explain why her mother is so horrible and why escaping her is impossible, and clarify why becoming a Watcher herseelf is the only way out. Also, you say she swooned but that's the only indication that she's got eyes for either one of the male characters, and if a romance / love triangle is a part of this, that will need to be included, as well as some nod to the role each of these guys will play - is the Prince a nice guy, who doesn't want power? Is the assassin a lone wolf who doesn't want to fall for her, either? Just one line for each of the fellows will give us some feel for them as characters.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

After Claire catches real feelings for a dating app match that dupes her, she swears off romance to focus on her fitness brand. The ordeal ends with shots fired on both sides—including cheap ones Claire dearly wishes she could take back. Shots at who? The guy from the app? Is this public? Is it hurting her brand? Or is this just a personal issue? Channeling her heartbreak into bulking up her start-up, Claire empowers women on their health journeys for years—until the official launch of her business implodes, and only one IT genius can save the day. So did this dating mishap occur years in the past, and the business launch is a current event?

When IT freelancer Will meets his new client, he isn’t surprised Claire doesn’t recognize him from their dating app encounter. He’s turned his health around, using his newfound passion for activity to climb out of his rut. This info makes me feel like we need to know more about what exactly went wrong with their date / meeting The impetus for his transformation was to take control of his future, especially when his past is a place he’d rather escape. The unexpected reunion with Claire enables him to rewrite a painful piece of that history, and maybe, have a second chance with the girl he’s never been able to forget. Yep, I definitely think we need to know what went wrong.

After striking a deal to bring her start-up to life, Claire and Will find a mutual passion for wellness and sexual magnetism so heavy they can benchpress it. But every moment they're together brings her closer to recognizing Will as the man who deceived her; a revelation that will shatter their connection and tank her career. Although Will wants to believe Claire can love him for who he truly is, the acceptance he needs most starts with loving himself. If Claire can’t curb the reckless ambition that’s burned every bridge in her life, she’ll lose the only ally who can save her business and her heart. I feel like Claire wasn't cast in this light until now. It was reading like Will made a mistake and doesn't want to be found out, not that Claire also had a character flaw that could tank the relationship. This reads well, but we need to know what went wrong years ago, and Claire's foibles need to be clear as well.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for “March of Souls,” a 105,000-word urban horror fantasy whose parents are the films Terminator 2 and Nicholas Kazan’s Fallen and whose siblings are the novels The Dark Tower, by Stephen King, and Ninth House, by Leigh Bardugo. I always tell people not to open by stating that you are seeking rep (that's obvious), or with your title, word count, and comp titles. Everyone has those. Start with the one thing you have that no one else does - the hook for your own book. Your word count is high, as well. You'll need to get this under 100k.

Crowfoot, a counselor in an adolescent psychiatric ward for boys in Detroit, can sometimes see and hear, in her own head, the hallucinations of her patients. Interesting - slightly awkward phrasing that I would try to condense for clarity With her children off to college, her formidable maternal instincts getare channeled into the boys in the psych ward, particularly Dennis, a homeless thirteen with whom she has a history, What does this mean? Unfortunately it can be read in a negative light a very strong bond, and secret plans to become his foster mother. When Tucker, a new patient on the ward, claims that a soul-eating demon from a parallel world named “March” You don't need quotes around that is trying to kill him, Crowfoot shares his visions and realizes that they’re real. March is killing and possessing victims at a homeless shelter and hunting Tucker.Why? What's special about Tucker? When Dennis hears that his mother is at the shelter, he escapes from the ward to go save her and crosses paths with March. Crowfoot sees it all through Tucker’s eyes, and now, she must protect Tucker and save Dennis. But what does that mean? I don't know what the plot is here - what does Crowfoot want, what is stopping her from getting it, and how will she overcome the obstacles? Those are basic plot points that a query needs to hit. Right now this is just reading as setup, not illustrating the plot points.

I’m an American writer, playwright, ESL teacher, editor, and copywriter with a BA in English. If you've got any publishing credits, those need to be stated here.

I’ve spent forty years working professionally with children and adolescents, twelve of those as a counselor and supervisor in psychiatric facilities treating severely emotionally disturbed children and adolescents. I believe this brings an authenticity to my story. Definitely! But you don't need to state that - it's implied.