Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am seeking representation for “March of Souls,” a 105,000-word urban horror fantasy whose parents are the films Terminator 2 and Nicholas Kazan’s Fallen and whose siblings are the novels The Dark Tower, by Stephen King, and Ninth House, by Leigh Bardugo. I always tell people not to open by stating that you are seeking rep (that's obvious), or with your title, word count, and comp titles. Everyone has those. Start with the one thing you have that no one else does - the hook for your own book. Your word count is high, as well. You'll need to get this under 100k.
Crowfoot, a counselor in an adolescent psychiatric ward for boys in Detroit, can sometimes see and hear, in her own head, the hallucinations of her patients. Interesting - slightly awkward phrasing that I would try to condense for clarity With her children off to college, her formidable maternal instincts getare channeled into the boys in the psych ward, particularly Dennis, a homeless thirteen with whom she has a history, What does this mean? Unfortunately it can be read in a negative light a very strong bond, and secret plans to become his foster mother. When Tucker, a new patient on the ward, claims that a soul-eating demon from a parallel world named “March” You don't need quotes around that is trying to kill him, Crowfoot shares his visions and realizes that they’re real. March is killing and possessing victims at a homeless shelter and hunting Tucker.Why? What's special about Tucker? When Dennis hears that his mother is at the shelter, he escapes from the ward to go save her and crosses paths with March. Crowfoot sees it all through Tucker’s eyes, and now, she must protect Tucker and save Dennis. But what does that mean? I don't know what the plot is here - what does Crowfoot want, what is stopping her from getting it, and how will she overcome the obstacles? Those are basic plot points that a query needs to hit. Right now this is just reading as setup, not illustrating the plot points.
I’m an American writer, playwright, ESL teacher, editor, and copywriter with a BA in English. If you've got any publishing credits, those need to be stated here.
I’ve spent forty years working professionally with children and adolescents, twelve of those as a counselor and supervisor in psychiatric facilities treating severely emotionally disturbed children and adolescents. I believe this brings an authenticity to my story. Definitely! But you don't need to state that - it's implied.