The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my upmarket women’s fiction manuscript, FISH BOWL, (62,000 words).

Nelle spends much of her time worshiping women on the internet, including a MILF porn actress who Nelle relies on for maternal comfort, a blonde, bubbly Norwegian streamer, and the elegant film stars of her graduate course. Maybe a little bit more here about her course? Is she a film student? When watching no longer feels like enough, Nelle drinks a bottle of red wine to quiet her insecurities and turns the spotlight on herself, creating a streaming account on the “Just Chatting” section of the Twitch platform.

Soon Nelle is discovered by self-proclaimed “Twitch talent-scout,” SLIMTIM12, and appears to become the perfect streamer, happily leaping into digital fashion shows and hours-long Q&A sessions. She relishes in the attention of her audience: painting her face, injecting her lips with hyaluronic acid, and playing into the lustful roles begged of her. Donations flood her once empty bank account, compliments fill her chatbox, and Nelle feels as though she may never have to suffer the sticky pain of solitude again. But as she drifts further into the alternate reality of Twitch, Nelle realizes that while her audience members could detail every square inch of her face, she couldn't recognize one of them on the street. She finds herself drinking heaviermore heavily? in order to perform for them, and recoiling from their sometimes degrading exploitations.

Nelle’s discovered sense of self slips as she falls into paranoia—not knowing who in her audience she can trust, or who may be out to hurt her. When she is roped into doing a 72-hour “stream-a-thon,” a non-stop streaming event used to show gratitude to her audience, will Nelle flourish beneath the unending light of adoration she sought, or will the platform and her vices consume her? Everything you have here is great, but there needs to be a little more detail in terms of what's at stake - mental health? Emotional health? Physical health? What about the 72 hour event could be a breaking point? What specifically is at stake here? You mentioned someone might be out to hurt her, but most of the focus here seems to be on damage to her self-worth / identity. Some clarity on these points would be good, and don't end with a theoroetical question.

FISH BOWL combines the manipulative allure in Emma Cline’s The Guest with the search for self and the pitfalls of obsession found in Jean Kyoung Frazier’s Pizza Girl.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

16-year-old Clark Zhang has been a screw up all his life, What kind of screw up? Like he drinks straight out of the milk jug, or he drives too fast and killed someone? and he knows it. He’s happiest at Westwood Military High School’s library where cadets can’t target him, since he’s only a substitute Second Lieutenant. Awkward sentence, if you're just trying to establish he doesn't fit in well here, I'd find another way to say it. So, when the police seek help from the Student Corps after Security Chief Paul Coleman’s murder? Not a complete sentence / question, roll it into the next line Hard pass. Snitching won’t get cadets to respect him.

Until he got caught falling asleep during an important meeting… Now, he’s Baltimore PD’s new informant, helping the cops navigate the web of lies and secrets knitting Westwood together. Why? Why would falling asleep now make him the choice for this? If it's a punishment I feel like the PD wouldn't exactly want him if he falls asleep at important times

This would ensure Clark’s promotion pending between him and the oh-so-smart Sergeant James Fisher—whose everyone expects to solve the case for spring break — and the respect that follows. However, his efforts might be pointless when Coleman’s killer targets two students, putting Westwood’s future in jeopardy. Not following this very well - I don't really undrstand why students would be expected to "solve" a murder. Maybe help out, sure. But why would the general student body know who the "snitches" are? Wouldn't that undermine their ability? Does the killer actually kill two more students, or just almost? And if Clark doesn't really care / fit / like Westwood a whole lot, what does he care if it's future is in jeopary?

While Clark struggles to find clues, Fisher’s working with the police on virus-infected microchip after finding it. Desperate to catch up, Clark hides security footages pointing at fourteen-year-old John Baxter, risking jail for hiding evidence. Also, making sure that meddling kid isn’t the next victim. Unsure what all of this means, or how it's tied together

When John vanishes, but I thought his actions would keep John from trouble? Clark’s left to deal with the police and nineteen hours before Westwood’s closure. Clark must choose between fighting his way back to the case, despite working under Fisher, to save John, the school, and prove his worth. Or abandon the case of his life before losing his own. Again, not a lot of tension here if he doesn't really love the school or feel like he belongs there. And what's his connection to John? If he really wants to save him and it's important to the plot and the character, they should be friends and that should be evident in the query. Also, is his life in danger? Why? What does Clark want? What stands in his way of getting it? And what will he have to do to overcome it?

Complete at 80,000 words, THE SLUMBERING SLEUTH is a mystery YA novel with series potential. It combines the wimp-smart amateur detective from Kate Weston’s MURDER ON A NIGHT SCHOOL with the character-driven plot focused on the unravelling mystery and the male relationships of Elle Kennedy’s THE MISFIT. It features #ownvoice Asian American experience with a multicultural cast, themes of found family, and unreliable narrators who often do more harm than good. Good closing para, but the query itself needs to tie more plot elements together in order to work.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for THE HALL OF RAMS, a standalone Adult Historical Fantasy novel set in early 9th-century Norway, completed at approximately 110,000 words with series potential. Typically I tell people to start with their hook, but this is well done and is doing some good work, so I say leave it!

Now that summer’s over, Jarl of Konungsholm, an orphan and impoverished viking, only wants to feast, warm his bed with a woman’s company, and ignore his frequent dreams of distant lands. Okay, but what does summer have to do with it?

But, when formerly-allied allied with him, or with each other, formerly? Might be better to find a simpler phrasing raiders, led by Earl Orn and bolstered by a mysterious berserker, attack his home and capture most of its survivorshome as in his individual residence? Or as in his village / fief? , Jarl’s winter hopes melt like spring’s first thaw.

He expects his new master, Orn’s mysterious berserker, to be a sadist. Instead, his captor treats him with unexpected obligeance, I actually don't know this word and had to look it up patience, and (unlike Konungsholm) not sure who this is / would be? His former master? needs clarified keeps him fed. Another peculiarity strikes him—his captor, Ennilang, I'd put his name in the first sentence where you identify him as the berserker, as I was reading this as a new character claims to be the God Thor. Feels like slightly more than a peculiarity Despite the insanity of it, Jarl finds himself falling in love with the berserker. Romantically in love? Earlier he wanted a woman in his bed over the winter so maybe clarify

Plagued by dreams foretelling his death, his budding attraction to Ennilang, the pursuit of his people’s freedom, and Orn’s intent to bury him, Jarl learns that politics makes for (literal) strange bedfellows. Okay I think the attraction is clarified here, but why would Orn want to bury him? Is he fighting toward freeing his people?

Trapped in snowy Eikstad, I don't know what this is / means Jarl will uncover the truth of his lineage, unearth the source of his dreams, discover a very “queer” love, and, as his village’s last man, earn an Earldom, if he’s able to survive the winter … Definitely need more plot here. The truth of his lineage just now gets mentioned in the last para. More words are given to the romance than the plot - what does Jarl want? What stands in the way of him getting it? How will he overcome the obstacls?

I am a long-time lover of myth, having studied Classics, Classical Reception, and same-gender relationships in antiquity at the graduate level, and have since expanded to a second pantheon. My poetry has appeared in “Thel Literary and Art Magazine” and the academic Journal “Animus.” Great bio!