The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Love and Guts at the End of Times is a new adult horrormance novel complete at 70,000 pitched as Nobody Wants This but with zombies. It will appeal to fans of Wilder Girls’ hooky plot and horror vibes. Good start, I would assume that the agent you're pitching to would know this comp titles without author names attached. I don't, but it's not my genre.

If you asked twenty-two-year-old Romance Podcast co-host Viv McCallister how the world might end, she’d totally vote: large space rock collides with Earth. The second best-case scenario, sexy vampires suck everyone dry. Not zombies. It’s never zombies. So when her sister, and podcast co-host, convinces her to take a three-day date-cation with her childhood sweetheart ‘for the likes’ and the possibility of a podcast sponsorship, Viv thinks the worst that can happen is surviving a few awkward moments with a man she hasn’t seen in ten years. Great para, awesome voice. The only thing I'd consider tweaking is what I have highlighted above, just for space / flow / word count.

So of course, it's zombies. The worst that can actually happen, is her sister getting abducted by a ragtag group of surfer zombies, getting bit by one herself (how dare!), and falling for her childhood crush who might be the zombie uberlord. Or is it overlord?Not quite sure what the joke is there And to think, all she wanted was to stay home in her sweats and send her sister hilarious Instagram Reels. Did she? But why? Is she going through a breakup? Is the podcast her only job? If she wants to isolate and seal herself off, even pre apocalypse, I wasn't getting that vibe until now.

But no, hermititis I had to Google this b/c I assumed it had something to do with zombies is frowned upon by their listeners, her sister, and her anemic bank account. Now, she has to find a cure for zombie-ism, rescue her sister from flesh-hungry dude-man-bros, and fight the insatiable ache (not that kind of ache) that keeps growing for a taste of human flesh. And all of this in the tiniest sundress because god forbid she packed the Target sweats her sister forbade her from bringing (they’re not Costco for shitsake). As Captain Underpants’ is this referencing the childhood love interest? Not sure I'm connecting the dots there secrets rise like a horde of angry corpses, they’ll go from surviving the weekend together, to survival mode. Awkward phrasing here, and I'm not sure what the secrets are? Go on vacation, they said. You’ll get laid, they said. Sure. If she doesn’t die first.

After parting amicably from my agent, I am seeking representation on a new book. When I’m not drafting feral characters, I’m lovingly domesticating feral middle schoolers (as a teacher). I also hone my craft with The Uber Writing Group while sipping on a cup of coffee—even though I gave it up. Really great and full of voice! I'm not sure that anything after the Costco line is really adding much that isn't already covered, so I'd consider cutting. Otherwise, you're in really good shape!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m excited to share my debut paranormal thriller, THE COUNT IN THE ANDES. I wouldn't bother with this line. The genre and title will be mentioned at the bottom, and you don't need to say it's your debut. That's assumed. Better to jump in with your hook.

Pablo García’s life is a mess. His wife is divorcing him, he’s an alcoholic, and he was just demoted from his job for a botched operation, It might be better to state where he works before this, because with this wording I immediately assumed he was a surgeon which he doesn’t like to talk about. Kind of an assumed, I wouldn't waste word count on it As a detective in Ecuador’s Terrorism Operation Division, he’s seen his fair share of violent and gruesome scenes. Now, he’s been reduced to record deaths which in a country like Ecuador and a city like Quito, happens every day. Record deaths? Or murders? And just record them? Is he investigating them, or just like walking around with a clipboard and an abacus?

However, when a dead prostitute appears drained of all her blood, everything changes. Changes how? Like changes how he feels about the job? Changes his alcoholism and now his wife isn't leaving him? What is changed?

More victims soon appear and Pablo joins forces with an intrepid journalist, Fernando, to crack the case. Their search leads them to other people connected to it. Gregorio, the son of a wealthy businessman, Johanna, a woman who survived an attack, and Alicia, a forensics official who is romantically involved with Pablo. As they navigate dead ends and close calls, they realize they are caught in the middle of a war of not gangs or drug cartels but vampires. On one side, Leonardo, an impulsive and dangerous vampire, and, on the other, Count Dracula. In the shadows, Luzmila, a vampire who works for Dracula and is Leonardo’s mother, plots the best outcome for her. I'm not sure if naming all of these characters is doing you any good. I've just got a cast list here, but no idea of what the actual plot is.

Meanwhile, Pablo’s wife, Marta, has issues of her own after Dracula kidnaps her on the eve of a momentous decision. Pablo and the rest uncover a web of secrets and lies that involve the vampires and the country’s elite, who are in league with the creatures of the night.Way too vague. Why would Dracula kidnap her? What is this momentous decision? A web of secrets and lies, plus a coup with rich folks isn't exactly brand new material. Right now, this isn't doing it's job. We need to know 1) What does the main character want? 2) What stands in the way of him getting it? 3) What will he do to overcome this obstacles? 4) What's at stake if he fails? Right now I've got a vague idea of plot that isn't doing anything new, and a cast list that I don't know how to apply to the plot. Save that space, and get information about what distinguishes your ms from all the others into the query.

THE COUNT IN THE ANDES is a 94,000-word, four-part novel As in, a series? It's better to pitch it as a standalone with series potential, especially if you're trying to push four books at once in the same vein as books like Certain Dark Things by Silvia Moreno-García, Vampires of El Norte by Isabel Cañas, The Outsider and Holly by Stephen King, and The Searcher by Tana French.

It transports Dracula from XIX-century England to present-day Ecuador and uses him as an anchor to talk about the many problems the country currently faces. Corruption, colonialism, reproductive rights, violence (especially against women), inequality, and greed are depicted in a society on the verge of collapse and where “choice” is something reserved only for the most powerful. Like Stoker’s novel, it’s written in epistolary form through journal entries and letters, and it’s also told from different points of view. So this is what actually makes it different from other books. Get this information inside of the query itself, get rid of the vague language above and show how it does these things through the query, not in an explanatory paragraph at the bottom that the agent may not even read far enough to get to

I’m an Ecuadorian writer who has mostly written for TV. I’ve written two children’s TV shows that were broadcast nationally and won two local awards. On the print side, a short story I wrote won third prize in a national competition and was published in an anthology book. This is my first English-language novel. Great bio! Strike the last line, it's assumed you don't have any novel publishing credits if they aren't mentioned.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am contacting you for representation of my YA Romance Fantasy, THE THIRTEEN KINGDOMS, my debut novel. The manuscript is complete at 130,000 words, and can stand alone or become a series. It would appeal to fans of Jennifer L. Armentrout’s FROM BLOOD AND ASH and Holly Black’s THE CRUEL PRINCE. Stating that you're querying them seeking representation isn't necessary, they assume that, as well as that it's your debut. I'd put comp titles, series potential, etc., at the bottom. Right now fantasy is clogged, especially in YA, and the genre is losing heat. Your word count is high, so that's not going to do you any favors. Try to get it down to 100k, at least

THE THIRTEEN KINGDOMS is set in a world vaguely inspired by medieval Europe Also just kind of an assumed, unless you state otherwise.

In the small, suffocating village bordering the 13th kingdom, Myoria leads a life of suppressed rebellion and lingering grief. Years earlier, her father had been falsely accused of treason and executed on orders from the royal court—a betrayal Good so far, but how is it a betrayal? Did he work for the court? that tore her family apart and instilled in her a hardened distrust of authority and a hatred at the society that allows for it. Allows for authority? Most societies allow for some authority. I'd end this sentence after authority Now as she is trying tries to keep her fragile household afloat—her sickly mother, and the devoted best friend who has always been there for her—Myoria dreams of running away, even as her cynicism mutters that freedom will never be in the cards for her. Running away for what, and to where? It sounds like she's keeping her people together through loyalty, but when it's also referred to her lacking freedom, it feels a little murky

But when a long-buried relic—a mystical stone of unimaginable power—is unearthed by a mysterious being, Myoria's world is turned upside down. The stone’s abilities, chief among them the power to control minds, unleash chaos throughout the kingdoms. Worse still, the revelation that the supernatural exists—a secret that was closely guarded by the royals for centuries—threatens to break the fragile trust of the kingdom's people. Amidst the turmoil, a prophecy is revealed, foretelling the union of six “chosen” individuals who are key to the survival of the world.

To her shock and disbelief, Myoria is named among the six. Thrown into a dangerous, uncertain quest, she must join forces with an unlikely band of allies to retrieve the stone From who? Is the mysterious being the one creating this chaos? Who is the villain here? and prevent its power from reaching its full potential. Along the way, she navigates a treacherous web of loyalty and betrayal, including a complicated “ love triangle/diamond” that threatens to distract her from her mission. As she grows closer to her childhood best friend, two others enter her orbit: a compelling stranger with a mysterious past and, most bewildering of all, the eldest son of the royal family.

Myoria must confront not only the power of the stone but also the makings of her own being.What does this mean? She finds herself empowered to rebuild the world she once hated and feared. The world of the court? As much as the world needs the six who are chosen, Myoria starts to realize that only true salvation may lie in her learning to trust—and hope—again. That's super vague. We need to know 1) what does Myoria want 2) what is stopping her from getting it and 3) what will she do to over come it, and also 4) what's at stake if she fails?

THE THIRTEEN KINGDOMS is a historically themed romance with a BIPOC lead, that explores the power of resilience, the bending of gender roles and the choices that shape our identity.