The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

A magical palace. Magic Eaters. A dark family secret. You definitely need a better hook than this. It's just a list of elements that any book could have. What makes your book different?

Ten-year-old Adam is an orphan with snow-white hair and little hope of finding a family because everyone in the adoption centre says he’s cursed. This would actually work well for a hook! That’s until a gnome delivers him a letter from a Gushmar couple—individuals connected to magical monsters. Is this adoption centre in the real world, or a fantasy world? How alarming would it be for a gnome to show up? What do you mean by connection? Do they train them? Battle them? Keep them as pets? Adam learns he’s Gushmar, too, and enrolls in an academy to develop his magic and learn self-defence against the Magic Eaters. What are the Magic Eaters? At the academy, some students’ monsters go into a frenzy and attack each other. What does this have to do with the overall plot? With his two friends, Adam uncovers an evil Magic Eater’s plot to drain Gushmar magic, and must confront the dark part of his peculiar nature and save the Gushmar community. Does he have a dark part? First indicator here.

ADAM RAYAN AND THE CHAMELEON ROOM—If Harry Potter has the dæmons of His Dark Materials—is a 48,000-word Middle-Grade Fantasy with Mystery elements and unexpected twists à la J. K. Rowling. It’s perfect for fans of Nevermoor, and Amari and the Night Brothers, and stands alone with the main plotlines resolved and lays the groundwork for a five-part series. Good comp titles and smart to say it can stand alone or be part of a series. However, I think the similarities between Harry Potter are so strong - magical academy, trio of friends, dark side of narrator - that you may have trouble getting any agent interest.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Three years have passed since the Elvanian King and Queen were found dead in their bedchamber, slaughtered by the rebel group known as the Belladonnas. Nice, this is a good hook that has me interested and sets up the genre Two years since the newly crowned Child Queen invaded Marigold’s home of Muscain and turned the kingdom into a prison. Ten months since Marigold found her parents hanging at the gallows for treason. I don't dislike what you're doing here, style wise, but technically these aren't complete sentences. However, I don't think it's a big bump. I did have to untangle it a little on first read, but I think it works.

One week since her best friend Naomi went missing.

Having already lost everything else — her freedom, her home, her family — Marigold sets off to find Naomi. But her search hits an unexpected bump when a conversation in a tavern implicates her as the accomplice to the very criminal who assassinated the Elvanian Crown all those years ago. I don't know if three years could be described as "all those years ago." Suddenly, Marigold finds herself on the run from the Child Queen, tangled with a rag-tag group of fugitives led by a woman named Viana Nightshade.

Growing up, Marigold knew her as Red Hand — cold-blooded assassin and leader of the Belladonnas. But the more time she spends with Viana, the more she learns that fugitive isn’t all she seems. are you missing "the" before "fugitive?" The stories spun by the Child Queen hide the truth: Viana isn’t just a killer of Kings and Queens, but a daughter of them. A princess playing fugitive, caught on the precipice of a revolution she never meant to start.

A revolution that killed Marigold’s parents, and threatens to swallow Naomi whole.

BLOOD STAINED NIGHTSHADES is a 95,000 YA fantasy novel following five perspectives: the red-handed Princess, the soldier sent to hunt her down, the Prince who tried to save her, the Child Queen abandoned on a cruel throne, and the ordinary girl caught in their intricate web of Royal lies. It is the first in a series.

Hmmm.... so the query itself is great, but then I get to the last para and there are two POV's who aren't even mentioned in the query - the soldier and the Prince. If you're able to write the query without them mentioned, its possible you don't need their POV's in the book, either. I'd reconsider structuring this in a way that makes it possible for you to get all five named POV's mentioned. Also, are all of these POV's teenagers? If some are adults, I'd all this high fantasy, rather than YA.

And last note - YA fantasy is clogged right now, and pitching something as a first in a series is a tough sell as a debut. Consdier if you can structure the book as a standalone, with series potential.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

The world is old, the gods are dying off, and the demons of the Underocean are about to sink the last continent. This is a good hook! You definitely have my attention. Tragic, but none of that is Alonso’s problem. Might not hurt to get a tiny bit of the danger clarified - is there going to be no land anymore? Is everyone effed? His primary concerns are fine-tuning his magical trick cards and saving up to buy his girlfriend’s freedom. From what / who? But when his estranged cousin, Clay, arrests him during a bungled burglary, the world’s problems become far less avoidable.

Demoted after a weaponized artifact shard destroys his sister and his arm, Clay still believes the artifact can defeat the demons if he reunites all the missing pieces. The trouble is, the artifact shard is locked in the same high-security magical facility as Alonso.What's the relationship like between them? You say estranged but that could be by choice, or not. A little clarity on the caper, too - is he trying to save Alonso as well, or is this just a convenience that A is already inside? Even if they do manage to escape with it, there are plenty of demon-corrupted monstrosities, undead gods, and magic-packing militants who will try to stop them – not to mention their uncle, the General, whose respect Clay is desperate to regain and whose disappointment Alonso has been avoiding for years.

Fortunately, Alonso isn’t the only prisoner willing to attempt a jailbreak. His cell block also houses a grouchy mechanic who cracks magical security systems, an anxious girl-monk with extraordinary strength, and an arrogant nun on a mission to save her god. Combining their skills, the five of them might stand a chance of finding the shards, repairing the artifact, and saving the last continent from sinking – if they don’t strangle each other first.

Nice! This is in good shape as it is, but I can rec a few tweaks. As I said before, the relationship between the cousins could use some fleshing out, and Alonso's girlfriend gets totally lost in the shuffle. She was his main priority, but she just kind of poofs. The goals go from REALLY big - save the world! To very specific - get this ONE thing! so, I'd take a moment to tie together how the two things converge to create the plot as a whole. Otherwise, looking good!

NIGHTLIGHT is a 150,000 word fantasy. This is a bit long. Fantasy gets a little room for worldbuiling, but 150k is still a big chunk for a debut. I'd try to get it down to 125 if you can, 100 if at all possible. Combining an unlikely ensemble cast with kaleidoscopic magic, the adventure plays with both humor and heartstrings, perfect for fantasy fans who wish they could read SIX OF CROWS again for the first time.

I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, From what institution? and NIGHTLIGHT is my first novel. Upon request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript.