The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Can three headstrong brothers combine forces to save their city from a dusty disaster? Only if they don’t kill each other first! A rhetorical question isn't a great hook. I like the "dusty disaster" phrasing, but find a way to utilize the feel here without making it a question.

Ben McGuire’s seventh-grade priorities (ping pong and daydreaming, to name a few) are put on hold when deadly dust storms begin ravaging his hometown. Love the voice here, but because the rest of this reads very SF and off-planet, I think we need to know the where and when of home. When relief doesn’t come on the ground, quirky research company Indus Industries recruits Ben and his two brothers Why them? If ping pong and day dreaming are his big skills, why is he being chosen to save the world? into their Youth Space Fleet to solve the crisis from up above. Too easy! Except it’s not.

Near-asteroid collisions, moon sickness, and some serious sibling rivalry doom the mission at every turn. Despite the setbacks, the McGuires discover the key to purifying the Earth’s air lies within the moon’s lunar ice! But just as they’re celebrating, Ben learns that a traitorous insider is stealing millions from the company, and a profit-hungry competitor hacks the computer network to steal their work and destroy the base. And them? Are they in any personal danger? It will take the brothers’ craftiness, bravery, and determination to bring their discovery back home—or the whole Midwest could be destroyed. This feels like it shifts from an adventure to an economic tech thriller very quickly, which takes away some of the MG feel. Some re-wording suggested above. Also, what kind of threat is the hacker? It feels like a very non-present villain for them to contend with. If this person is sabotaging their ship in some way, or putting them in physical danger through their machinations, that needs to be included. Otherwise, it feels like a very remote antagonist.

MCGUIRES TO THE MOON is an upmarket middle grade novel with series potential. Fans of Gordon Korman’s UNPLUGGED will really enjoy this book. The manuscript is complete at 41,000 words.

I am a debut author with a B.F.A. from Texas Christian University and am a member of SCBWI. I have also been a technical writer for nearly 20 years. I would be thrilled if you would consider MCGUIRES TO THE MOON for representation. I look forward to hearing if you would like to read my entire manuscript.

Overall, this is quite good. You need to steer your hook away from question format, and interject a little more personality into the villain. I also question whether the other brothers need more room in the query. Your hook mentions all three, but it seems like Ben is the focal point. If that's the case, make him the focus of the hook. Otherwise you're starting with introducing three main characters, but never naming two of them.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I seek representation for my 96,000-word literary fiction manuscript, A Children’s Playground. I always tell people not to open with your word count, title, or the fact that you're seeking rep - they know that, you're querying them. Everyone else querying also has a word count and a title. Start with what only your have - your hook.

In the wake of the Global War on Terror, Unfortunately, this could span a pretty large amount of time, so you might want to be a little more specific. twenty-four-year-old Asad Khan, an Afghan tribal heir, and twenty-three-year-old Anna, a once-promising American music prodigy, find their lives intertwined, weaving a tale of resilience, love, and sacrifice as they search for a common future across two nations in conflict. This is a great intro! Definitely lead with this. After reviewing the entire query, however, this opening makes it sound as if Anna will be sharing half of the narrative, but it doesn't really look that way. She's a factor in Asad's story, by the way the rest of this query reads.

Straddling the responsibilities of succeeding his aging father, a war hero from the Soviet-Afghan war, as the new tribal chief and his dreams of becoming a successful Silicon Valley entrepreneur, an agonizing revelation shakes Asad to the core: an American drone strike in his remote village along the Afghan border has brutally injured his childhood playmate, Samina, ultimately claiming her life and that of her family. This paragraph is basically one sentence, so you need to break it down. I highlighted spaces above where it's getty wordy and some things can go. Also, if Samina ultimately dies, I'd just say that she's killed, along with her family.

This jarring news ignites inner turmoil as Asad strives to reconcile his affection for Anna and his newfound home in the USA with his duty to address the ravages of war against his tribal brethren. In this soul-searching tussle, Asad loses Anna not once but twice. Anna needs more room here. She's got a brief intro in the opening para, but she's not being built here at all other than a shadow of a real person. How serious is "affection?" What is the nature of their relationship? What is he losing if he loses her? Also, the vague nature of loses Anna not once but twice doesn't work in a query. Lost her how? Gained her back how? Lost her again how? How is any of it tied to his inner turmoil?

Will Asad choose love and a life in the USA with Anna, or honor family expectations, returning home to avenge Samina’s death and lead his tribe against the New World Order, risking everything to save his homeland from destruction? Don't end with a rhetorical question, that's not a good way to round things off. Instead phrase this as him facing a choice, and illustrating what he loses or gains either way.

A Children’s Playground echoes the timeless themes of social upheaval caused by war like Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner with the identity struggles of Mohsin Hamid’s Reluctant Fundamentalist in the clash between East and West.

I was born in Karachi, Pakistan. Currently, I live in San Jose, California. I served as a military pilot and lived in seven countries. I have endeavored to capture this interplay of human diversity and conflict to provide the readers with both sides of the story in my debut novel, answering the age-old question: Why do kind-hearted, well-meaning people worldwide find themselves entangled in wars so frequently? If you don't mind me saying so, as a non-military person that lives in the US, I don't find myself entangled in wars frequently. I think this is distinct to areas of the world and certainly sets up a great question in regards to Anna - could she ever understand that mode of living?

Overall your query is well-written, but we need a little more plot detail in here. The overall question - what will a man torn between two cultures choose? - is very clear, but the more granular aspects of the plot aren't present. A divided life is a known narrative - what makes yours distinct and separate from the others? Get it into the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Ethan Wells, a lonesome young man living in a secluded manor with his fanatically Christian mother, finds enjoyment in very few things, but one of them is an old Jest magazine that evokes forbidden sensations in him. What are those sensations? Lust? Hinting at things isn't a good idea in a query. You need to come out and say it. Also, having an idea of how old Ethan is and where this manor is located would be good.

When one of his emotions, Love, comes to life, he is finally able to have the experiences of a normal youth. What does this mean? Comes to life inside of him? Or outside of him, like he's interacting with a real person? What are the experiences of a normal youth? Sex? Again, come out and say it.

But Ethan discovers that the human mind is a multifarious place, and the arrival of Love has also enabled the emergence of something sinister, a memory almost forgotten. Like what? I don't have any sense of a plot here.

Such is the story in the book I recently completed, entitled The Ones Who Linger, my debut romantic horror novel set in a Gothic manor hidden in the forests of 1970s rural Oregon. Get those details in the beginning In this retelling of Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Mermaid, the creepiness of made-up monsters taking on a life of their own in Keith Donohue’s The Boy Who Drew Monsters meets the personification of human emotions seen in Pixar’s Inside Out and the romance between a human man and a sexy pin-up style drawn fantasy character as depicted in Ralph Bakshi’s Cool World. You're using comp titles to try to explain elements of the book, but what's happening is that it just sounds like you mashed a bunch of different things together. I don't know what the plot is, I don't know how these things are related to each other, and I don't know that this is offering anything new.

The Ones Who Linger, complete at approximately 80,000 words, tells of a young man’s path towards escape from his fanatically religious household and mindset. It grapples with the topics of unrealistic ideas about human bodies, the realization of one’s sexuality, and how the often unpunished sexual abuse by Christian authorities impacts the mental health of a victim. It will appeal to fans of Neil Gaiman and Silvia Moreno-Garcia. My real name is REDACTED, but I would like to publish this book under the pen name REDACTED. What's his path towards escape? What's the role of Love? How does sexual abuse fit in? Again, these are just a list of themes, and I have no idea what the plot of the actual book is. Don't worry about telling them you'd like to publish under a pen name, that's a detail that comes much later.

Although I unfortunately possess no writing credentials or accomplishments, this story draws on the true experience of my grade school friend who was sexually harassed by the local pastor, my own realization of my bisexuality, and the close-mindedness of the small, devout Christian Slovakian town community I grew up in, which regarded my family’s atheism very negatively. If you're basing part of this story on someone else's life, you might need to look into the legalties of doing so. And again, you're listing themes and concepts, but not telling me what they have to do with the plot. You also don't need to indicate that you have no writing credentials. If they're not included, it's assumed.

I have included an excerpt from my book, and I hope it will be enough to make you want to immerse yourself in my story. Don't include pages unless the agent specifically asks for the first however many as part of their submission guidelines. Be sure to check guidelines for each agent that you query.

Right now this query reads as a list of themes, concepts, and elements from other stories. I don't know the plot. What's at stake? What does Evan want, and what is stopping him from getting it?