The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for Can’t You Sea?, an adult dark romance fantasy complete at 106,000 words, and first of a planned series, but can standalone if needed. Your word count is high, even for fantasy. Try to get it below 100k, and simply call it a standalone with series potential Can’t You Sea?, combines romance born from mutual distrust and dark intentions, similar to Daughter Of No Worlds, and blends of action-packed sequences with moments of emotional intensity, like TV show Motherland: Forth Salem. I would personally put the comp titles at the end. I also would mention the author's name of Daughter of No Worlds. Admittedly, I don't know this genre well, so it might be a well-known title, but I'd include the author

Determined to get justice for her father, who died in an orchestrated terrorist attack, 21-year-old Aelita Saar inducts into her realms realm's war college to become a sky rider. The phrase terrorist attack immediately makes me think of modern day, but then that's clearly not what's going on. Also what is a skyrider? This could be a person who pilots a spaceship or rides a dragon, so it needs clarified. Little does she know, a nightmare, a song, and a handful of honey cakes would make her the perfect cherry on top of the new alliance made with her neighboring realm and war college, Sirentyr. I have no idea what this means.

When her mission to become a sky rider crumbles, and a cutthroat ranking system after her involuntary transfer is enforced, no idea what this means, either Aelita must survive the bloodbath to earn a spot amongst an elite kingsguard of water wielding soldiers, who use song and sea siphons, to amplify their power. Also known as streamers. Not a full sentence, and isn't needed As if the trials to see the next sunrise weren’t hard enough, let’s sprinkle a huge target on her back because everyone thinks she’s a spy, an eye crossing curriculum, and worst of all, Seymour Creed. So she's fighting for her life, but still going to classes?

Seymour Creed is Sirentyr’s most formidable and merciless chieftain, and despite their common war enemy, he doesn’t trust a single breath from Aelita’s lungs. As a loyal soldier to the crown, he’s dead set on killing her off from his unit. But with her sharp tongue, rebellious attitude, and voice made from heaven, he can’t help but find himself…intrigued. I'm not clear on who the shared enemy is, what a skyrider is, why she's thought to be a spy, or what war college is, for that matter.

I run an online thrift shop I started back in 2020 to feed my ever-growing love for vintage clothing. When I’m not daydreaming about books, buried in a book, or sitting still long enough to write a book, I’m enjoying life with my fur baby Montii, and packing orders.

If you don't have any publishing credits and your current job isn't related to the material (it's not), I'd instead focus on how much you read, and establish that you know the genre, market, and tropes well.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am thrilled to present “I am Online,” my debut novel that chronicles the unexpected rise of Sebas, an eighteen-year-old who inadvertently becomes an erotic webcam sensation. This narrative explores his journey of self-discovery, the complexities of human relationships, and the dichotomy between virtual fame and real-world anonymity. Not bad. Normally I tell people to start with their hook, but this is a good summation para, and I think it can stand.

Thirty-eight euros in his pocket, all his life savings, are you saying the euros are all his life savings, or he has that in addition to? It could be read either way. I would suggest cutting the phrase all his life savings and changing the following everything to all was everything Sebas had on him when he stepped out of the last night train at Barcelona’s central station. Probably Sebas should have planned his home runaway better. I don't think the phrase home runaway makes sense But he didn’t. He just could not stand his oppressive home life anymore. Why was it oppressive, what is he escaping? The city, poised to swallow him whole, instead becomes the backdrop for his meteoric rise in the adult industry. As the number of his webcam followers grows into the thousands, Sebas grapples with the stark contrast between his online celebrity and his offline struggles. What does this mean? You said as much in the intro paragraph, but this is a vague statement that covers the theme, but not the plot “I am Online” weaves through genres, I would definitely find a genre to allocate this to. Saying it weaves through genres isn't the best move one could say this novel is for “Fifty shades of Grey” what “Pose” is to “Sex and the City”: a kinky story narrated by those whose kinkiness is not mainstream or often understood. But by being designated as a kink at all, isn't it inferred that it's not mainstream? And what is the kink? An agent is going to want to know what the webcam is for, specifically, and what Sebas is doing It is the antithesis of “Heartstopper,” away from gay-mimicking-straight relationships in a sugar-coated plot,This is reading as criticsm of other books / authors, which you definitely don't want to do within a query I don’t hold back: Don't refer to yourself within the query Sebas goes through a lot like what? You should be talking about the plot, not using vague language and he gets to see the cruelty of human nature and how relationships are often driven by desire and selfishness rather than by love and feelings. Set in the year 2014, this tale also serves as a modern coming-out story, far away from those early-00 cheesy stories, Again, knocking other books / authors won't win you any points this one reflects a contemporary time when the lines between hetero and homo are more blurred than ever. My own experiences as an LGBTQ individual growing up in Barcelona and living across the globe have deeply influenced this work, infusing it with authenticity and a unique perspective. So far, only few friends have read “I am Online”. Feedback is diverse: “the world is a very f*** up place”, “I am ashamed to admit I wish I had been Sebas” or “this story will make readers disgusted and horny at the same time”. But maybe the best one was “it’s hilarious, it reads itself”. Feedback from friends isn't worth mentioning in a query. Also you reference earlier that you don't hold back, but then you censor the work fucked in the query? I have chosen to query you because your reputation for championing bold, boundary-pushing literature aligns perfectly with the essence of “I am Online.” I believe this novel not only entertains but also opens a dialogue about the evolving landscape of sexuality and identity.

So I'm left going... and what's it about? A query needs to convey these things - what does the main character want? What is stopping them from getting it? How will they overcome the obstacles? This doesn't do any of that - it just says it's about kink and webcams, and the complexity of human relationships (without mentioning any other characters in the story at all). Just saying your MC goes through a lot isn't going to cut it. Everyone's MC goes through a lot - that's a narrative. You need to be much more specific about the plot, get rid of the vague qualities. Don't bash other books / writers, and remove commentary from friends.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

The Asfours is a hopeful and moving upmarket 77,000-word family saga in the vein of The Vanishing Half, Little Women, and This Is Us. I always tell people to open with their hook. Everyone has a title and a word count. Start with what you have no one else does. Also I think describing your own work as "moving" an be off-putting. Of course you find it moving, someone else might not.

In Arabic, an asfour is a bird. What is more gentle, kind, sure, and brave than birds, who disperse seeds throughout the land and nurture nature among them? Not a great start. You need a hook, and I have no idea what a bird has to do with your book or characters, and you're also starting with a rhetorical question, which isn't advisable. And also, I love birds, but someone that loves honeybees can say the same thing about their favorite thing in nature, so it's just not a decisive statement.

Mira never believed she embodied what it meant to be an Asfour. The Asfours were more than hotel heirs and heiresses. They set out to better the world despite all the suffering they endured. I don't know what this means. How are they bettering the world and what have they suffered? Her family rose above misfortune in the only way they knew: not talking about it. But after the suicide of her mother, her life fell apart as she succumbed to addiction and struggled with bipolar disorder. After years of turmoil and a massive falling out with her family, she isolates for a year until she receives news of the passing of her father. Now orphaned at twenty-five, Mira is faced with a decision on her father’s final wish. What is his final wish? What is this decision that she has to make?

The Asfours chronicles how a family falls apart and comes together in the face of mental illness, abuse, and generational curses. Mira is the red string that ties them all together; as she navigates her challenges, the broader family tapestry unfolds, revealing their interconnected paths to redemption. There's not nearly enough plot here to make this a succesful query. I don't really know what's going on. I've got this - a family has big problems... and that's about it. That could be any number of stories, featuring any character of any type. You've got to get into specifics to explain why your story takes a new or untold angle on the family saga. Right now it's just - this is a family saga.

Redacted is a queer Palestinian-American that grew up in the Southwest Suburbs of Chicago. Her short stories will be featured in The Piker Press (July Edition) and The Wise Owl (August Edition). She received her BA from Columbia College Chicago. She works in literary representation with diverse and queer writers working in television. She lives in Los Angeles with her beloved cat, Sabrina (the teenage witch).

Good bio, but the bio should be in first person, not third.