Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am seeking representation for Can’t You Sea?, an adult dark romance fantasy complete at 106,000 words, and first of a planned series, but can standalone if needed. Your word count is high, even for fantasy. Try to get it below 100k, and simply call it a standalone with series potential Can’t You Sea?, combines romance born from mutual distrust and dark intentions, similar to Daughter Of No Worlds, and blends of action-packed sequences with moments of emotional intensity, like TV show Motherland: Forth Salem. I would personally put the comp titles at the end. I also would mention the author's name of Daughter of No Worlds. Admittedly, I don't know this genre well, so it might be a well-known title, but I'd include the author
Determined to get justice for her father, who died in an orchestrated terrorist attack, 21-year-old Aelita Saar inducts into her realms realm's war college to become a sky rider. The phrase terrorist attack immediately makes me think of modern day, but then that's clearly not what's going on. Also what is a skyrider? This could be a person who pilots a spaceship or rides a dragon, so it needs clarified. Little does she know, a nightmare, a song, and a handful of honey cakes would make her the perfect cherry on top of the new alliance made with her neighboring realm and war college, Sirentyr. I have no idea what this means.
When her mission to become a sky rider crumbles, and a cutthroat ranking system after her involuntary transfer is enforced, no idea what this means, either Aelita must survive the bloodbath to earn a spot amongst an elite kingsguard of water wielding soldiers, who use song and sea siphons, to amplify their power. Also known as streamers. Not a full sentence, and isn't needed As if the trials to see the next sunrise weren’t hard enough, let’s sprinkle a huge target on her back because everyone thinks she’s a spy, an eye crossing curriculum, and worst of all, Seymour Creed. So she's fighting for her life, but still going to classes?
Seymour Creed is Sirentyr’s most formidable and merciless chieftain, and despite their common war enemy, he doesn’t trust a single breath from Aelita’s lungs. As a loyal soldier to the crown, he’s dead set on killing her off from his unit. But with her sharp tongue, rebellious attitude, and voice made from heaven, he can’t help but find himself…intrigued. I'm not clear on who the shared enemy is, what a skyrider is, why she's thought to be a spy, or what war college is, for that matter.
I run an online thrift shop I started back in 2020 to feed my ever-growing love for vintage clothing. When I’m not daydreaming about books, buried in a book, or sitting still long enough to write a book, I’m enjoying life with my fur baby Montii, and packing orders.
If you don't have any publishing credits and your current job isn't related to the material (it's not), I'd instead focus on how much you read, and establish that you know the genre, market, and tropes well.