The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my 48,000-word middle grade contemporary novel, JAN AND DEENA, FRONT AND CENTER. It’s a story of friendship, community, and finding your role that will appeal to fans of Get a Grip, Vivy Cohen and Magnolia Wu Unfolds it All.

Life would be sitcom-perfect for ten-year-old Deena if only she had three things:

Long blonde hair like her idol, Jan from The Brady Bunch

A get-out-of-Hebrew-school card

Fewer sisters

But honestly? She’d settle for uninterrupted screen time and a little more attention from her family. Really great so far. Good voice and setup.

When her parents decide an after school improv class will channel her “energy” more “appropriately”, what are her activities that are currently considered inappropriate? Deena grabs her chance to shine. The teacher, Ms. B, is the most fascinating character Deena has ever met, and the friendships she makes on stage make her feel both part of the team and like a real star at last. Life is almost perfect, even for a middle child with bushy hair and trouble mastering the Hebrew alphabet.

But when she learns that her sister’s bat mitzvah is set for the same day as the big improv show, Deena refuses to accept the catastrophe. Soon, she has lied to everyone she cares about, and she still has no plan for how to be in two places at once. Missing the bat mitzvah would be unthinkable, but missing her moment in the spotlight would be unbearable. To solve an impossible problem, Deena must tap into a source of wisdom from long before she was born, asking herself:

What would Jan Brady do?

lol, this is pretty great. Normally I say it's not a good idea to end on a rhetorical question, but since it fits the voice so well, I think this is okay.

Like Deena, I’m both a certified Jewish Middle Child and solidly on #TeamJan. I formerly taught fifth grade, am a member of SCBWI, and serve as the VP of Education at a large and thriving synagogue. Great bio, everything fits!

You're in great shape. One minor tweak in my question about her current activites that are "inappropraite," and I think you're ready to query!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my YA fantasy novel, SEND DOWN THE STARS. This novel has been an ongoing project I’ve worked on for more than a couple of years now, and is a way of expressing my love for both the genre of fantasy and literature as a whole. It is mostly based on the vivid pictures I would chase in my head, though like all stories, there is a little bit of truth thrown in there. I honestly wouldn't bother with this. The story of how long you've been working on it, or your inspiration, isn't useful to help gain representation.

The stars died before she was born. This is a great hook. It's so good I would just open with this.

Eliza Sterling has never been able to explain just why her eyes have always been drawn to the stars. Like all reasonable girls, is she supposed to be reasonable? Is that a prized character trait in her world? she can examine the situation, observe the details, and reach the conclusion that to think there was anything special about the stars was only wishful thinking. And yet, she can’t bring herself to turn away from them, to pull away from their presence. This is a lot of words that are really only saying the same thing - what the first line said.

His name is Archie Griffin, and he was one of them. I'm from Ohio, so this name automatically makes me think about football. I have no idea how well Griffin's name is known throughout the general population. But here in Ohio it's an instant assocation. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archie_Griffin Also, I have no idea what "he was one of them" means.

Eliza’s secret suspicions what are her suspicions? are confirmed to be true in the wildest possible way when she witnesses the fall of a single star from the sky and follows its light to the forest just beyond her backyard. From there, the truth is merely a shard of a shattered mirror, a reflection that changes depending on whose hand is clutching the glass. I have no idea what this means or how it conveys the plot. She is thrust into a world of magic unlike anything she has ever seen before, a world she is certain her father played a role in. Does she live in the regular world, our world? Why would she think her father had anything to do with this new world, and what role could he have possibly played?

In a desperate attempt to fix what had gone wrong in her life, what went wrong in her life? Eliza agrees to help Archie Griffin how does she know him? track down and stop the man who had taken his soul and placed it within the fiery cell of a star, just as he had done to countless others. With the help of Noah Brook and Phoenix Levisay, two boys who were bound to fall into the web of Archie Griffin and his quest for justice, Eliza Sterling must venture into the darkness that has been waiting for her. Don't bother adding the boys' names, since they aren't playing a major role in the query. Why must she venture into the darkness? What does that even mean?

Will her interference be the end of the tragedy of the stars, or just the beginning? Don't end on a rhetorical question. Also I have no idea what the tragedy of the stars actually is.

The novel is approximately 108,000 words and has undergone several drafts throughout the months I’ve spent working on it. This is the first of a four-book series, all of which have already been completed. It's assumed that you've gone over several drafts; no one should query a first draft. Your word count is high and this needs to be a stand-alone with series possibility.

Right now this is reading as a lot of disparate things that don't seem to be drawn together in a cohesive way. You say it's a fantasy, but it reads like it's set in our world, which would mean the genre needs to be tweaked. I don't know why she wants to help Archie, how her life is ruined, what role her father plays, or what her relationship is with any of the people mentioned in the query. You already know all of these things, so when you read it, it makes sense. To an outsider, it's a mish-mash.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my upmarket women’s fiction manuscript, FISH BOWL, (62,000 words).

Nelle spends much of her time worshiping women on the internet, including a MILF porn actress who Nelle relies on for maternal comfort, a blonde, bubbly Norwegian streamer, and the elegant film stars of her graduate course. Maybe a little bit more here about her course? Is she a film student? When watching no longer feels like enough, Nelle drinks a bottle of red wine to quiet her insecurities and turns the spotlight on herself, creating a streaming account on the “Just Chatting” section of the Twitch platform.

Soon Nelle is discovered by self-proclaimed “Twitch talent-scout,” SLIMTIM12, and appears to become the perfect streamer, happily leaping into digital fashion shows and hours-long Q&A sessions. She relishes in the attention of her audience: painting her face, injecting her lips with hyaluronic acid, and playing into the lustful roles begged of her. Donations flood her once empty bank account, compliments fill her chatbox, and Nelle feels as though she may never have to suffer the sticky pain of solitude again. But as she drifts further into the alternate reality of Twitch, Nelle realizes that while her audience members could detail every square inch of her face, she couldn't recognize one of them on the street. She finds herself drinking heaviermore heavily? in order to perform for them, and recoiling from their sometimes degrading exploitations.

Nelle’s discovered sense of self slips as she falls into paranoia—not knowing who in her audience she can trust, or who may be out to hurt her. When she is roped into doing a 72-hour “stream-a-thon,” a non-stop streaming event used to show gratitude to her audience, will Nelle flourish beneath the unending light of adoration she sought, or will the platform and her vices consume her? Everything you have here is great, but there needs to be a little more detail in terms of what's at stake - mental health? Emotional health? Physical health? What about the 72 hour event could be a breaking point? What specifically is at stake here? You mentioned someone might be out to hurt her, but most of the focus here seems to be on damage to her self-worth / identity. Some clarity on these points would be good, and don't end with a theoroetical question.

FISH BOWL combines the manipulative allure in Emma Cline’s The Guest with the search for self and the pitfalls of obsession found in Jean Kyoung Frazier’s Pizza Girl.