Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am seeking representation for my 48,000-word middle grade contemporary novel, JAN AND DEENA, FRONT AND CENTER. It’s a story of friendship, community, and finding your role that will appeal to fans of Get a Grip, Vivy Cohen and Magnolia Wu Unfolds it All.
Life would be sitcom-perfect for ten-year-old Deena if only she had three things:
Long blonde hair like her idol, Jan from The Brady Bunch
A get-out-of-Hebrew-school card
Fewer sisters
But honestly? She’d settle for uninterrupted screen time and a little more attention from her family. Really great so far. Good voice and setup.
When her parents decide an after school improv class will channel her “energy” more “appropriately”, what are her activities that are currently considered inappropriate? Deena grabs her chance to shine. The teacher, Ms. B, is the most fascinating character Deena has ever met, and the friendships she makes on stage make her feel both part of the team and like a real star at last. Life is almost perfect, even for a middle child with bushy hair and trouble mastering the Hebrew alphabet.
But when she learns that her sister’s bat mitzvah is set for the same day as the big improv show, Deena refuses to accept the catastrophe. Soon, she has lied to everyone she cares about, and she still has no plan for how to be in two places at once. Missing the bat mitzvah would be unthinkable, but missing her moment in the spotlight would be unbearable. To solve an impossible problem, Deena must tap into a source of wisdom from long before she was born, asking herself:
What would Jan Brady do?
lol, this is pretty great. Normally I say it's not a good idea to end on a rhetorical question, but since it fits the voice so well, I think this is okay.
Like Deena, I’m both a certified Jewish Middle Child and solidly on #TeamJan. I formerly taught fifth grade, am a member of SCBWI, and serve as the VP of Education at a large and thriving synagogue. Great bio, everything fits!
You're in great shape. One minor tweak in my question about her current activites that are "inappropraite," and I think you're ready to query!