The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

In the autumn of 1957, Anna and her identical twin Belle are hauled off across the country to attend the Larkspur Convent School for Troubled Girls. Diagnosed with hyperkinetic disorder a little more of a nod here as to what this is would be good! As a reader, I know what depression is, but this I don't have a handle on and severe depression respectively, the twins are deemed problematic by their socialite parents, who hope the school will transform the girls into normal, “pleasant” young women. Having already heard unsettling accounts about the lobotomies and electroconvulsive therapies performed at the school, Anna comes to a resolve the moment she sets foot on the grounds: she will escape with her sister. So far, so incredibly good. An indication here of what escape means - does she have a plan? Escape to where?

Each day, she scopes out potential escape echo (use of the same or similar words close together) here routes throughout the sprawling campus, but the presence of the stern nuns and the watchful eyes of the other girls—quick to snitch at any given opportunity—complicate her plans. Her plight worsens when the school’s psychiatrist, Dr. Robert Halstrom, becomes fascinated by the twins’ genetic similarities yet starkly contrasting natures, viewing them as the perfect subjects for his novel theory: that personality can be improved and transferred between dissimilar individuals by switching small portions of their brains. Dr. Halstrom promises that the procedure will not only cure both twins, but allow them to return home as the daughters their parents have always wanted. Oh, creepy!!

Desperate for relief from her overwhelming sadness, Belle implores Anna to undergo the procedure with her, seeing it as their only chance at normalcy. But when Anna witnesses a girl left unable to walk or talk following one of Dr. Halstrom’s psychosurgeries, doubt gnaws at her. Faced with this grim reality, she must choose between risking everything to escape, potentially abandoning the sister she loves, or submitting to an experiment that could alter her life forever.

Inspired by the life of Rosemary Kennedy, LARKSPUR is a gothic novel complete at 83,000 words. It combines the eerie, scientific mystique of Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s The Daughter of Doctor Moreau with the intricate twin dynamics of Brit Bennett’s The Vanishing Half.

I am on the doorstep to receiving a Bachelor of Science degree, majoring in Biological Sciences and Minoring in Psychology at Redacted. I also work in a clinical research lab, and in between experiments, I like to dream up book ideas like this one.

This is pretty much perfect. The bio shows why you're qualified to write this, the body is great, the comps are good. A couple of tweaks here and there as mentioned above, and you're good to go!