Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
SHADOW TOUCHED is a 100K fantasy-romance loosely inspired by the myth of Pandora. Told from the competing POVs of thief Naima, Prince Greyling and Captain of the Guard, Finch, it weaves together elements of Greek, Celtic and Caribbean mythology. The story is comparable to novels like A Curse So Dark and Lonely and From Blood and Ash. Because of your interest in Fantasy and diverse stories, I thought you might find my series of interest. This is smoothly written and well flowing, but your word count is high (not too terribly though) and the fact that it's a series not a stand alone with series potential could hurt you. Fantasy is absolutely packed right now, and you'll need every advantage you can get while querying.
For Lady Naima, stealing is a way of life—a means of never being controlled. The only child of the country's greatest fallen hero, her idyllic life of debauchery is upended when the infuriatingly handsome yet insufferable Captain Finch Stewart arrives with a royal summons: return home for the King's Jubilee. Or else. Why would she be required for this? If she's a thief, why does she retain this amount of respectability? What does or else mean? What is she being threatened with?
Though she despises being told what to do, the pull of reconnecting with her first love, Prince Greyling, proves too strong, and Naima agrees. Only Naima and Grey's reunion is marred by the return of her father's murderer, the Mad Lord Solditch, who's infected Grey with the Gloaming—an ancient and deadly curse that marks the afflicted as Shadow Touched, turning them into bloodthirsty killing machines. What does that mean? Like a vampire? Are they supernatural in nature or just violent humans? Is this also how her father died? What is Solditch's goal?
The fearless Naima will do anything to save Grey, including teaming up with the uptight Finch. Teaming up to do what? When the unlikely duo uncovers the army's general possesses a series of journals that hold the secrets to Grey—and the Kingdom's—survival, they plan a heist to steal them. Why wouldn't the general be sharing this information? As Finch and Naima work together, their clashing personalities begin to belie their burgeoning friendship—and blistering chemistry. As the Shadows ravage Grey's soul, Naima grows desperate. Finch, with his own secrets at play, can't shake his rising suspicions of the Prince. What does this mean? What are his secrets? What are his suspicions? It all culminates in a showdown at the Jubilee: a fight, near death and the ultimate sacrifice place Naima in a position she never wanted—reluctant hero. This is too vague - we've got a bad guy, a prince, an unlikely attraction and really no idea what's actually going on. The Prince is cursed by someone, but I don't know why, or what their goal is. The unlikely duo are going to steal information that would save him, but I don't know why the person that has it wouldn't share that info in the first place. The Prince falls under suspicion of some sort, but I don't know what that is, or what Finch's own secrets are. Then there's a showdown, which is a standard element of any plot. What makes this different from other existing fantasy stories? Figure out the answer to that, and capitalize on that in your query.
I am a marketing professional with experience writing across various industries, including entertainment, publishing and finance. As a writer, I focus on incorporating my Caribbean background into my stories. I love to place characters of colour in white-centric worlds in order to subtly investigate what it’s like to navigate these common fantasies as POCs. I adore writing strong women of colour with dubious reputations, mouths like sailors and hearts of gold. This is a great bio, and I love it! You just need to get the uniqueness of your story into the query itself, and not be so vague about the plot.